Her soul craves for love. His soul feeds off respect. This is “love” in the purest form of human nature. A woman feels “loved” when her man is attentive, caring, and aware of the cracks and petals of her heart and surface. A man feels “loved” when he sees that his woman recognizes his position in their relationship, as the knight in shining armor, who is also vulnerable to the ramifications of deceit and betrayal. However, this respect is a respect that does not correspond with fear, but rather respect that corresponds with acknowledgment. So when a man and a woman fight, the woman does not feel “loved”; she feels no comfort or warmth from her man, as his words are only meant to feed his own pride, often which he does not realize, has taken over his own conscience. The man does not feel “loved”, and the feeling of disrespect results in more actions that attacks the woman’s exposed state of vulnerability. It is a constant loop of dissatisfaction, sadistically fitting perfectly into the necessities of human essence. Love is more complicated than a cluster of borderline insanity.
i like this photo. i like that I seem happy. and that I look... good. I’m ready to write about it now. I’ve written during the process but it’s always different when you’re looking back. I’m at a good place now. But for a while I wasn’t. I was stretched beyond what I thought I could bear. Yet, here I am. And I’m ready.
This was taken in late Feb 2019. I think I was genuinely happy here, in the moment this photo was taken. But now when I look at this photo, I feel a flood of sadness and a slight taste of bitterness. This was it. The last month I felt normal before everything came crashing down. My symptoms had only slightly began to come back.. it was at that tender point where I was aware of them, but where I could still believe that everything was going to be okay. If i just stuffed everything to the back of my mind and prayed harder, my body would be fine. What followed in the next couple months was the most severe pain, mental battle, and feelings of loss I have ever experienced in my life. I couldn’t sleep. I cried a lot and often. I was on a strict diet and couldn’t eat what I loved. I lost 12 pounds. I lashed out at those who tried the hardest to help me, then hated myself more for doing so. I physically and mentally felt like I was in a dark hole constantly. For the first time in my life, I felt like I didn’t know my own mind. I had no idea how the mind is capable of such evil. That my mind was capable of such self-hate. When I could sleep, I would wake up and have to mentally fight with myself to think positively. Be strong. Be bigger than this. I had to give myself mental pep talks throughout the day just so I wouldn’t fall off the edge. I didn’t know how hard it was so argue against myself. If I wasn’t careful, I would feel my mind going in slow circles... a downward spiral that dug deeper and deeper into the dark hole of self-pity and desperation. I was constantly trying to escape my own mind but it was obviously futile. I was tired all the time. It was an insane feeling to not sleep one night and then feel so tired the next night but still not be able to sleep. I would toss and turn at night, worrying, contemplating, re-thinking every decision I made in my life. How does one relieve exhaustion when sleep isn’t the cure? but the worst part was the jealousy. The envy I had for what others had. I lost all my hair and all I could think about when I met with anyone was how lucky they were to have a full head of hair. Other people could eat whatever they wanted. Other people could go to work like a normal person. Other people didn’t have to wear a hat everyday. Comparison stole my joy on the daily.
Was I depressed? I’m not exactly sure... but I don’t think so. There were times when I did long for heaven to come and relieve me of my pain but I never thought about killing myself. I never thought I was useless to society or that the world was better off without me. But i was sad constantly. I lived in anxiety and fear. Every decision I made wasn’t a simple one. My mind was always being stretched into two opposite sides and every decision was laced with regret. I think I was terrified to make the wrong decision. In my mind, the reason I was suffering so much was because of the decisions I made... so I was scared to make any. Though I can say I’m in a better place now, this is something I’m still trying to heal from. I ask God to give me peace from my decisions and about my decisions.
What got my out of this state? Well, the wedding being over definitely helped, but my reliance on God was truly what changed. How often do we forget as humans that everything we have comes from him? Strip me down and what am I? A wretched human whose identity lies in how she is seen, how she looks, what she has, what job she works, how happy she seems. While these things were manifesting themselves successfully on the outside, inside, selfishness, bitterness, vanity, and pride were taking root. For a long time, I felt these evils make their home in the pit of my heart and it clouded everything I did. God did what he does and brought them to the surface. I wasn’t allowed to hide them anymore and when he did, it made me realize that TRULY nothing matters if I don’t have God. If my life is perfect (and i really did have everything I wanted), that’s still not enough. Bitterness and selfishness still exists even when you have it all. Purposelessness still exists and is inescapable without knowing the One who loves you with a perfect love. I believe that those who think they’ve found purpose in their life without Him will eventually be disappointed... because even if they’re doing some humanitarian work or dedicate their whole lives to something other than themselves, when you look at it through the lens of death... none of it matters when you’re dead, you’re just gone. The knowledge that death hovers over everything is enough to show you your life is nothing but a speck on a timeline. If you’re someone who is able to live their life knowing this and can still live with purpose.. I truly don’t have what you do, but I’m not sure that I need to, because to me He is the answer and always has been. It takes more faith for an atheist to believe there is no God than for one to believe that there is. Look at this beautiful, intricate, perfectly curated earth he created specifically for living creatures!!! How is it possible that there is no creator? He put me on this earth and he has the power to take me out of it. He has the power to allow me to live a life that is free of guilt and free of shame and free of pressure to be what people expect me to be. The promise of a life after death paints my view of life a completely different color. And don’t I know it. The joy that came with remembering this seeped in very slowly but it did come in and it brought the smallest amounts of light into the darkness that was my mind. My perspective on life found its focus again. It was the only thing I could really cling to, that made me want to get out of bed every morning. Through it all I was showered with more love and care than any human deserves, least of all me. I can only imagine what would’ve happened to me if I didn’t have my parents, my friends, my church who held my hand, prayed with me and for me, carried my burdens and sat on the phone with me for hours while I cried. I am undeserving and will always be undeserving.
I’m on the path to recovery still. Unfortunately and fortunately, this is something that I will always live with. My illness is one that is lifelong, but I have learned to be grateful for it. I have learned that it is what makes me who I am and I’m perfect because God made me exactly so. There are still days when I feel so ugly, so worthless and so small. Those who live that mental battle everyday, I’m so sorry... It’s something I never wish upon anyone. I know how you feel and I want you to know that it doesn’t last forever, but it’s up to you to find a way out. Don’t give up on finding that way out cause it’s there and it’s ready for you when you are. Think about what got you here and what could possibly get you out. Focus on that. No matter how alone you feel or think you are...You’re not alone and good times are waiting for you.
