fake fan

i haven't found a drop of life

[mess-is-mind]

tw sh

i thought i was doing well but idk all the old feelings of inadequacy and guilt and self-loathing and self-sabotage came back and i started hurting myself again and i feel like i am spiraling

[mess-is-mind]

GAHHHHH I DONT WANT TO STUDY ANYMORE (i enjoy the class and am happy with my life choices) I LOVE THE PROFESSOR I DONT' WANT TO STUDY IVE BEEN WATCHING SO MANY LECTURES TODAY BC I GOT SICK OVER THE WEEKEND AND COUDLNT' DO ANYTHIGANOSDFHJOAKFJKSAJFDOKASHF

[mess-is-mind]

i love having a mini panic attack because i'm not doing my chem homework because i'm too focused on having my panic attack which is because i'm stressed that i am not doing my chem homework beca

[mess-is-mind]

i need to work on my time management skills frrrr

[mess-is-mind]

tw sh thoughts

i'm clean ive BEEN clean i literally don't even WANT TO HURT myself but i'm still thinking about it???? i'm not sure why it feels engrained in my identity considering i barely did it to begin with, and now i sh like 1-2 times a year max......... ughhhhhhhhhh

anyways new year's rsolution: stay clean FOR THE WHOLE YEAR. odn't cut a single time. do ur best. see what happens. see if it's possible.

is it bad that this feels daunting scary hard. like it might almost be impossible cuz i've gotten pretty close before. but always i get stressed. something always stresses me out.

[mess-is-mind]

feeling soooooo normal about my bf rn (i can't get him out of my head) SO NROAMAL

[mess-is-mind]

sit back relax sit back. Relapse Again .

i used to be good at school what happened fuck now I feel like I don’t even care that’s a lie obviously I care a LOT but I don’t show it by idk… STUDYING ENOUGH…. God fuck damn it AGH

[mess-is-mind]

i fucking hate it here. so much senseless violence so much tragedy. it doesn't feel safe here anymore

[mess-is-mind]

i don't really have anyone to tell about this but i got a 4.0 in my first yr at college :DDDD i'm so happy rn lolol

i felt insecure that i wasn't going to a "top" college or anything and i'm not like. a math major or anything else crazy stem. but still i'm really proud of myself! esp for taking classes that are hard FOR ME!!!! i super struggled w/ chem both semesters this yr but i kept putting in a lot of effort, asking a lot of questions, and studying a lot for the tests and i did it! i'm really proud of myself!

[mess-is-mind]

anyway i fucked this life up so when do i get a redo

[mess-is-mind]

ummmmmmmmm yeah my roommate has covid and i really hope she feels better because legitimately that really sucks and ik she was planning to do stuff w/ her friends this weekend, and i hope that she doesn't get symptoms and recovers fast

but im gonna be self centered under the cut

i was planning on doing shit too!!! ik she did her best to be responsible but she def going out and stuff so much was risky... and she knew... and she was exposed to covid previously (first warning sign!) and didn't wear a mask in the room which was :/// but yeah i was GOING to do a lot of fun stuff this weekend, 3 of which were once a year events so im kind of pissed off. actually scratch that im REALLY pissed off - not at her because she's the sweetest and this was probably inevitable in a school setting anyway but i was really looking forward to doing my stuff u kno :(((( like iw as really really excited for it and it was so embarrassing i was like crying walking to buy a covid test and then crying some more just now

[mess-is-mind]

i'm so happy y'all i CRUSHED my tests last week (well the 2/3 i got back anyway) Maybe College Isn't So Horrible After All..... and all it took was my sanity and social life!!!!!! haha!

[mess-is-mind]

i got an a on my first bio test of the year!!!!!!

[mess-is-mind]

tw sh

lol relapsed :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) school is the bane of my existence. keep purposefully triggering myself too going on this hellsite and other such social media things..... god

[mess-is-mind]

why do i hinge my happiness on other people's approval and the attention they give me.... god.....

[mess-is-mind]

i just hate myself sm rn PLEASE

when my inferiority and superiority complexes collide...

[mess-is-mind]

//tw: sh

lmao camisado should just be my theme song at this point... "relax relapse again" hahahahahahahahah i am Not Feeling Great.... watching my peers be more successful than i with access to the exact same resources reminds me how much of my life i've wasted doing stupid shit like... oh yeah... *checks watch* STAYING UP TIL 5 FUCKING AM ON MY PHONE WHAT THE FUCK

oh and i'm questioning my sexuality too! am i straight? apparently maybe not but also probabllyes but alsO??!??!?!?!ieuhaf