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I'm not the same person I was

as before and I will never be. 

That girl, is gone

But she didn't go anywhere.That girl is, was, still me.

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And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

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How many times will I make the same mistake over and over again?

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Finally realizing how depressed I've been this last year. 

Feel like I've wasted two years of my life to depression/dissociation.

Feel like I've lost so much, but I'm left with the present. 

Yet I keep looking to the past and wondering why. 

Wasting time thinking about how much time I wasted.

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Have been reading this article lately, and it pretty much sums up everything I’ve learned (and forgotten) within the past half year-- such a greatly timed reminder. 

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Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.

Mandy Hale

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In a way, it is simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying to know that in nineteen days, my life will completely change. 

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You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have.

Maya Angelou

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I am letting go.

Out of my hands; it was never there to begin with. 

I may be lost, but I’ve found myself. 

[lazyyogi]

Stop trying to leave, and you will arrive.

Lao Tzu

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Boundaries are not walls — they are living containers within which your desires can breathe, gestate and grow until they are ready to be born.

Hiro Boga

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It’s been awhile since I’ve been here.

Eight months since I first started at my job and I’ve finally done it again. 

This time I’m a little less lost, but a little more aware. 

Here’s to the future and the unknown.

[metaphysicalnexus]

So a little over a year after moving to Florida, I finally have a big girl job. (And by big girl, I mean I can finally afford rent.) 

Yes, I graduated from a Top 20 University and it took me that long (while friends have completed their masters already, have begun their residency, are climbing the ladder in their fields, etc.).

No, it isn’t within my aspiring career field.

Yes, it took me a full year and a half to find it. 

But after moving three times (to FL of all places, one of the worst freaking job markets for recent graduates, into a co-living arrangement with M when my sister moved back home, to an even bigger house after that lease was up), quitting two jobs (a three month administrative position and a six month restaurant job), three job searches, car issues, getting scammed over $1,000, fire performing for my very first time, attending my first burns and festivals, struggling with an onslaught of dissociation [seemingly out of the nowhere], wanting to escape from it all multiple times, finding the current love of my life and the first place I’ve called “home”, I’ve finally managed to secure a “big girl” job somewhere along the way. 

So can I get a fucking amen.

Even though I still feel lost in some ways, I’ve carved out a little niche and piece of home in this godforsaken part of the US.

And I’m gonna enjoy it. 

Because if I’ve learned anything in this past year, it’s that there are so many goddamn people in this world, doing so many goddamn different things, living so many goddamn different lives and to hell if I haven’t done those things in that way, in the way society expects me to.

Thank you, Universe, for your perplexing way of simultaneously giving and denying everything I ask for. 

[metaphysicalnexus]

Just accepted a job at Pan Am International as an OCC Specialist.

It’s not within my aspiring field or career goals.

But it is secure and well-paying in relative to my previous jobs.

I’m terrified that it will turn out like Monarch or Chang’s.

But I need a job, the people seem nice, and it allows me to be a “big girl” for a little while. Plus, I needed work experience like yesterday.

The only downside is that I’m not sure if I get any holidays off. [This has been clarified now, I do actually get holidays off while some people don’t.] I was hired through a recruiting company too so if I ever quit, people other than myself or my boss might be unhappy.

At least it gives M time to get back on his feet. He started Ubering about a month ago, then he took a part-time job at a vape shop. He is just stuck in general and is lacking motivation.

But now we don’t need to worry so much about how we’re going to make rent, which makes me happy.

Still terrified. 

[metaphysicalnexus]

“Run from what’s comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.” --Rumi

If Rumi’s words are anything to live by, I have pretty much done all of the above. Still working on the notorious part though . . 

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“let it go let it leave let it happen nothing in this world was promised or belonged to you anyway all you own is yourself”

-- Rupi Kaur