helloo. i just got finished watching this indie horror film on tubi called evan straw. when i was younger i would make fun of indie films cause i thought they were low quality, but i wanted to be open minded to this one. that old way of thinking was very ignorant of me and closed minded. and as someone who writes movie scripts and actually wants to produce indie films, how could i judge !!!
anyways, it was a pretty good movie actually. I am going to start watching more indie films. even though the video quality and special effects may not be as good or advanced as a box office or Hollywood movie, the plot was genuinely so much better and it was so creative. i would rather watch something low budget with a good plot vs an expensive boring movie. disclosure day , i am looking at you. anyways! the movie was about this woman who moved into a house that was rumored around town to be haunted. she was experiencing paranormal things, and so she sought help from psychics. it turns out that the thing 'haunting her house' was a tulpa. a tulpa is an entity that was never human and was created by collective belief. the fact that so many people in this town thought this house was haunted created this entity. in the words of the psychic in the movie, 'the house was never haunted... the people in this town MADE it haunted.' and eventually they got enough ppl in the town to come together and 'destroy it the same way it was made' aka imagine it away. honestly i realy liked this movie i loved this plot it was so interesting and new, and it gave me inspiration to keep on writing my own movies.
I did not like disclosure day. when i saw the part from the preview where the reporter lady was making noises, i was seriously hoping that the movie was suggesting that the ppl we see on tv such as the news and political networks were extraterrestrial beings or sm shit. Like it was scary when she started speaking russian and shit cause i was like omg she's an alien whos finally malfunctioning after pretending to be human but NO. shes a regular human who just happened to act odd 1 day. And her dumbass bf asking too many questions and not listening to her. And how the fuck was that dude able to project himself to any place he wanted. I dont get it. Like was he possessing ppl and taking over their bodies or can he just project himself anywhere? Or both? makes no sense. it doesnt explain why the main 2 characters were chosen to be contacted by the aliens. i thought the devices they had were intresting but horribly cliché. Like yes ofc the device coincidentally turns the power on and makes you invisible. and its never explained how jane was able to find where everyone was at the news station and it doesnt follow her journey at all. And how the fuck did the agents not see Daniel or wtv his name was when he was running outside the farm house. Mf didn't hide at all. Same with when he was hiding behind the rock at the cliff with jane. How they didnt see yall big asses. ts is so unrealistic like yes ofc... these government agents totally didnt search the entire premise. They only searched 1 sliver of tve area. no coverage at all. And when jane left the motel. Like bruh no way they didn't see you😂😂 and bruh where the fuck did they get that big ass alien from. Why did it just come to the news station to say sm bullshit like what the fuck this was probably the worst movie ive seen in my life my ass itches after that
one of my main problems is that for so long i have tried to convince myself that i want and like and desire the same things as everyone around me. the truth is that i genuinely have zero intrest in dating and i genuinely can not remember the last time i was authentically intrested or attracted to someone. there was a basketball player i really liked. And i mean i still do. but other than him, i cant think of the last time. 2024 actually. thats the last time i genuinely had a crush and was attracted to someone. 9 times out of 10 when i talk abt a new guy, i entertain the thought of him bc hes bearable or 'good enough' ☠️. i genuinely do not give a shit abt any of these people and i need to get to the point where i can admit to myself that im asexual. because i am genuinely disinterested in anything pertaining to relationships and sex. i care much more about upholding my friendships and keeping them for life vs finding my life long lover and getting married. i couldn't give a less of a fuck. i love friendship far more than romance. but what also bothers me is that i am incapable of seeing myself in a romantic situation. like i feel so disconnected from my body in scenarios like that and the only way I've ever been able to picture myself in a committed normal relationship with all the things included is if i pictured myself through a different body entirely. that kindof thing just feels so wrong to me. I dont know.
i actually saw the backrooms movie 2 times now, and i want to see it for a third time to see the added 15 minutes.
i really liked the movie. i did. i really like clark and mary. my favorite part of the movie was when mary asked, 'clark, what is this?' and he responded with 'its every place that ever was.' i also really liked the conversation between mary and clark where he was expressing how he didnt want to change, and after trying to help him for so long, mary finally understands and says, 'then i think you should stay exactly where you are.' i really like the entity of captian clark. i thought that he was really scary. i thought the worried expression on his face, and how large he was was very unsettling and uncanny. i like to imagine that as he was reaching for mary when she was in the narrow wall, he was saying 'help me', like the theories said.
the one and only thing i would say i didnt completely love about the movie is the characters actions. i love horror movies but the thing that always stops me from being completely emersed in the movie is being unable to relate to the characters actions and decisions. i often feel like horror movies are unable to progress without the characters making absolutely irrational decisions. i spoke about this with my friend. i said that it was kindof unrealistic for someone to find a portal in a wall, and continuously go back in it. so many people would be way too freaked out. i feel like its very unrealistic for a manager to show up at their employees house on their day off, and ask them to come do something undisclosed, even if overtime pay is offered. and even in the event that they agree to go, its unrealistic that someone would go thru a wall following their manager, let alone going down a steep slope with nothing but a rope. i feel like no one irl would ever do that. but my friend made a good point by saying i underestimate the power of human curiosity. he said that maybe these characters decisions arent that crazy, because some people do not think through the lense of the supernatural or metaphysical. some people are logic led, and i have to agree with him. i never thought of it that way. if i were home alone and heard my moms voice in the house, i would freeze and instantly become afraid thinking it is supernatural, whereas he would assume its her, because from a logical standopoint, who/what else would it be? so i agree with him. maybe bobby clark cat and mary werent crazy for going into a place so mysterious. maybe i do underestimate curiosity. also yes ik im overthinking it and its just a movie and movie logic blah blah, but its fun to think about. i understand things tking place for the sake of the plot, however i do think of what i personally would do sometimes. but otjher than that i loved the film
something that i have thought about nonstop recently is my own death. i feel as though every day, i am ready to die. i am not suicidal, i just do not fear or run from death.
i am not religious, therefore i do not believe in the traditional concepts of heaven and hell. i feel as though the afterlife is as mysterious and unknown as this one. i believe in different dimensions and going where the state of your consciousness is, and so on.
so without the fear of hell / the after life, the only reason i wouldnt be ready to die is because i felt as though i didnt complete my duties on earth, but let me unpack that.
i have done my job as a daughter. i have done my job as a sister. i have done my job as a granddaughter. i had to make sure i did my job in those areas, because i have a certain obligation to those people. my parents and grandparents raised me, kept me alive, gave me everything and more. they made me into who i am today and i have an obligation to them, to an extent. because they did a helluva a good job.
i have an obligation to my brother because we were formed in our mothers womb to be partners in this life. we chose each other before our formation began and for that, i have a responsibility as a sister.
i have done my job as a friend. i have always done my best to work things out, even if it took me a while to build up the courage. ive always been so passionate towards my friends because the love i have for them is something i truly take serious. romance is not the only form of love that i take serious. platonic love is just as if not more important.
i have done my job as a lover. even though the love i had for nathan was short lived and unconventional, i still did a helluva job. there was never a doubt in his mind that he was adored by me. and that was my responsibility to him above all else. i can confidently say that any of the times things didnt work out, it was not my fault. i did everything i could which is why ive made peace with his death. i know that in the very least, i did my duty to him. even though i havent had the chance to be with jordan the way i want too, i am okay with that.
there isnt anything i havent said to anyone. at least to my knowledge. i have done my best to apologize to those i needed to apologize too. thanked the people i needed to thank. and told and treated the poeple i needed too with love. even if i havent said i love you enough to people, i beleive that i have done a good job at showing it. ive always been passionate about writing letters because that form of expression helps me to collect my bearings, in a way.
come what may, because i met caden. ive apologized and adored keeyin. i havent given up on people easily, and so on.
i have heard beautiful music, and felt the sun on my skin. ive been on an airplane and solo traveled the way i said i would. ive done all that..
this has been the most transforming semester of my life though. for the past few months i have been into yoga and fitness and ive lost some weight and gotten stronger. i love moving my body because its a challenge for me. the real challenge isnt the work itself, rather staying consistent. its completely worth it though. i like working out and yoga because there are no short cuts. i like doing these thingsbecause i am letting my body know that i care about it and am willing to do what it takes to get results.
ive also seen the beauty of meditation. meditation is something that has always been in the back of my mind, but ive never really perused it much because i didnt care and i didnt realize its power.
i have been intrested in the shifting community for 5 annual years now. i have never fully shifted but ive manifested and minishifted and lucid dreamed many times. ive tried so many things for so long and ive taken many breaks from shifting, and ive tried for all these years to find my skeleton key to shifting. but finally, after 5 years i have finally realized what my skeleton key is. its meditation.
shifting for me has proven to be rewarding the same way that working out is. i only get results when i really am working for it. i would actually rather that be the case. theres a satisfaction that comes with being the reason why a dream comes true. i love seeing the work ive put in start to work. its a feeling like nothing else. meditation has made me more spiritual in ways i cant describe.
ive been obsessed with shifting, and ive come back to shifting over and over for all these years because i know its real. i know i can do it. i cant ever let something as amazing as that ever pass me by.
my deep desire for something more than everyday life is one of the many things that has made me feel alien to other humans. i feel as though shifting has saved my life. if it werent for the constat understanding that there was more out there, something greater than this life, i probably would have died by now. i dont think i could ever live in a rotton world like this and think that this is all there is, and when i die its over. shifting has been the thing thats kept me going and i will do it one day no matter what it takes.
but yes. my deep desire for something more has made me feel isolated from my humanity. i yearn for magic and just, something else. i dont know what, but something.
but yes. to end this post, i want to mention how intrested i am in wholistic medicine and methods. thats all i ever want to use for my ailments. i have my father and his side of the family to thank for that. and my uncle douglass.
my frustration about the whitewashed history of the humanities was only unit one though. unit two was amazing.
in unit two, we talked about the arts and the humanities. i loved this unit so much. its so interesting to see how much rhe arts being incorporated into the medical field can help.
we did an exercise where we were blindfolded, and sculped with clay. the lecture was about how we should listen to our bodies more, and that we shouldnt rely on our sense of sight so much. this lecture really stuck with me because it was the first time that i ever considered these things.
in the third unit, we talked about multiple ways of knowing, and prescription medicine vs wholistic medicine. this unit really opened my eyes.
i was exposed to the world of medical humanities back in january. the course was initially titled 'religion and medicine', and i chose this course because i assumed it would be religion and spirituality based. what i found out though, is that the course is heavily medicine and healthcare based, and religion and spirituality is only a small portion.
i did not know how to feel about this class, as a fashion major. the medical field was always something that i steered clear from, because it scared me and i didnt really have any care for it. i was open minded though, and so i didnt drop it.
medical humanities has opened my eyes to a whole new world, and this has easily become one of my favorite classes. i like medical humanities because it challenges me and it makes me think.
i initially did not like the class because i felt as though the course was too white. i was put off by the fact that all we were learning was the perspective of healthcare and medicine from the european and western point of view. i felt as though a course like this should be called 'the history and development of medical humanities in Europe/america' because general healthcare is far too vast to only be from those perspectives. this is my critique of many psychology courses as well. sure, the germans and europeans may have been the first people to give the field of psychology the NAME psychology, but why dont we ever learn psychological advancement from different continents? because im 100% certain that the trajectory of africa or asia did not change just because freud suggested that children wanna have sex with the parent of the opposite sex. but anyways, back to medical humanities. i brought this concern up to my professor, and while she understood and agreed with me somewhat, she told me that its true that alot of things in the heathcare field did in fact start in europe. i personally just dont buy that. the medical humanities is literally just the act of treating your patient with respect, intent and care, and treating them like a person since many times, patients feel dehumanized and humiliated by physicians. i refuse to give europe the credit for that just because it may have been the first continent to give this practice a specific name.
i just dont agree with this perspective of the healthcare feild, because if europe was so medically and medicinally superior to the rest of the world, they wouldnt have had the black plague. they wouldnt have been throwing their piss and shit in the street for so long that paris still stinks to this present day. if europe was so superior, indigenous people wouldnt have had to teach them how to bathe and wash their ass. i refuse to believe that andreas vesaius was the first person to do an autopsy. i just dont buy that at all. if this is a generalized medical class then i think its fair that we also learn about african, asian, indian, native and literally anyone elses perspectives on medicine too.
i didnt like undertone that much. maybe im just slow, but i didnt really understand the end of the movie. i know theres an argument about how some people aren't very literate when it comes to films, and maybe im one of those people. i dont mind implications in media, but i felt like the implications in this movie were a bit to broad for my understanding. for example, i didnt realize that the moms death rattle while she was in the doorway meant that she had actually died. i just thought that was a vision/hallucination or something i dont know.. also, i feel like the auditory element was too insignificant. i went so far as to see the movie in imax for the full experience. but i felt like the auditory elements were the same as any other normal horror movie. i would've never known that the audio was the focal point if it never stated it was in the advertisements. i feel like the movie wasted it's potential. it built up for the entirety of the movie, just to never really climax. i thought the movie was kindof boring and just didnt live up to what was promised in the advertisement.
ppl who glaze this movie tho lowkey piss me off, because they act as though its impossible for them to understand why someone may not have liked this movie. the only argument of theirs that ive seen is 'u guys are just desensitized to horror and you're mad cause there were no jumpscares 🤬🤬' whole time, in all the critiques ive seen, not once have i seen someone ask for a jumpscare. ppl didnt like the movie because it was boring and didn't do a good enough job of being an auditory horror movie. not bc there were no jumpscares. let's be fr plz. they marketed this as an auditory horror experience and the only real auditory thing they incorporated was a reversed nursery rhyme just like every other horror movie in existence, but u think im mad over a jumpscare. plz
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