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the-suicide-effect

And someday I hope that my sadness will be replaced by something beautiful

(via the-suicide-effect)

Its always in the back of my head. Anything can set it off. Like tonight, I was trying to make my mom a christmas present and was failing miserably at it and it ruined my night. My self hate is always there. Even this afternoon, I seen a pretty girl walking down the street and then I just start questioning everything about myself. I want it to go away. Every saturday for like thr past few months have been ruined by it. I just quietly cry until I fall asleep. I dont know how to change it. Or talk about it. It all sounds so immature and silly when I say it outloud to myself. To me, I can never satisfy myself never do anything right. I suck.

There has never been a time where I thought I was pretty enought not to care what other people thought

Any advice? I will take it

With all the comments that have been made to me regarding my weight shouldnt it be motivation for me to change. Its constantly affecting how I see myself. Tonight many things are going through my head. Mainly I am mad at myself for not being able to change. I need to make it soon or I may drive myself to be crazy. I need to be a better person. My anger is going to cost me my job. My saddness is going to cost me everything else. I do a pretty good job at hidding thebfact that I absolutely hate myaelf and believe to think of my self as a bag of trash. I cant think of any reasons not to hate myself. Im selfish and immature. I have an old soul and its cost me a lot of things in my life. Or it just could be my anxiety in the way. I dont think its just anxoety, im depressed. I wish I could talk to Martin about it all but I just keep it all bottled up until nights like these, when its all I think about. Ive turned to blogging my rants instead of my journal so that if he reads them one day, he doesnt feel betrayed that I turned to a book or the internet rather then him. I couldnt stand to hurt him. Even though I think I have in some strange way that I just havent figured out yet. He needs a better person then me. One that can give him more, rather then be rittled with anxiety. Some days I have a hard time not hiding it but I seem to get it passed him. We have been together now for over two years. And I know he loves me, and maybe im just blanking it out but I dont really mnow the extent of how he feels about me. Im just being insecure and stuff. I just dont want to feel responsible for any unhappiness. There are just so many things about myself that I dont understand. But then I dont ask the questions I should outloud to learn. I just probably dont want to hear the answers. I just sick of getting to a boiling point and crying in secret. Some days I think I should see a therapist. I think ive kept it all in for so long, how could I talk to someone. Its all silly stuff anyways, it would be a waste of money and time.

The amount of self hate I have for myself is too much for one person.

How do I change this?

How do I love myself, so I can stop hiding?

How, How, How???

Today sucks.

It seems I only come here to vent. Mainly because know one I personally know will read it. I went to a party with at my boyfriends friends house for Thanksgiving. I mean I have been to many gatherings with then because face it I dont have any friends who actually invite me out. Martin always tells me they are my friends too, but I just dont feel like it. Im too shy and dont fit in. It may have to do with my lack of liking to drink or im too quiet. Too ashamed of who I am. The fact that I socially awkward may help. I have known them for almost two years. I wish that I had an easier time making friends, or at least keeping them. I know the girls try but for some reason I dont know how to act around them. Being me wont work. Very few people actually understand me. I have to start coming out of my shell. Maybe I wouldnt be such a bitch and make it look like I was a fun person. Fake it till you make it right...

Fat Balloon.

I feel like a big balloon, never going to pop or deflate. Just one big fat balloon.

My self hate issues are creeping in tonight. making a thousand questions or comments racing through my head. One day it's going to ruin everything good in my life.

I already have no friends.

I already hate going into work.

My anxiety already takes over my life.

My boss said if you literally say "next" your brain will move on to a new thought.. Wish it worked for me.

Why can't I just make the commitment to change.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Normal is another word that comes up. I don't know what exactly it means but I just want to be it.

I wan't friends, I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to be a bitch anymore.

I just want to love myself.

I don't know how and don't think I ever will. People tell me the good traits that I have but I can never seem to believe in them.

Fat balloon.

Fat ugly balloon.

Inflating more and more each day.

I guess I just don't know who I am. I don't like myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm an anti-social. The very few friends I do have I am slowly pushing away, soon I wont have any at all, maybe it's for the best. I wouldn't know how to be a friend apparently anyways.

Maybe I should just stop throwing fucking pity parties for myself and just suck it up. I've been doing it for years so why can't I do it now.

The person I see is a coward, a fool, a disappointment to herself and others, ugly fat girl. I don't have the motivation to change this, even though I want to change it so bad. I don't know where to start.

I am just not good enough. I need to face this reality. I am the only one who can change this. I am stuck in this rut that I can't seem to get out of. I don't want others taking pity on me or upsetting them because of my bad moods.

I have this amazing guy in my life and for the life of me all I ever wonder is what is it that he sees in me that I am blind to. I don't want to end up hurting him or us because of my lack of self love. I feel it may eventually come to that because I can't get over my problems. I know he will always listen but he can only listen to what I say, and unfortunately it's not much. I see the sadness it brings him and I DON"T WANT THAT. No one should ever have to be looped into my issues, they don't deserve that. Plus my issues are stupid.

The only way to get it out is to cry. And I'm really tired of it because it's the same thing over and fucking over again. It really isn't fair to myself either. It holds me back from the things I actually want (not that I know what those things are but maybe if I had a clear head I would figure that out)

Let's just say I'm not interesting.

life-is-like-a-wineglass

zel-duh

hellanne

danielodowd-deactivated20170124

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