Ruin
You want something that is going to destroy your life. Maybe you don't think about it in those terms. Maybe you focus on the positives. You imagine what your new life will be. The freedom, the excitement, the joy. The incredible experience of the unknown, new and surprising. But for that to happen, the old needs to be brushed away. Maybe that's the key.
You want something worth ruining your life for.
You want to get that lost in the experience. You want to be thinking about it the next day. Your mind drifting back over and over again. On your commute, you aren't thinking about traffic or how many more stops. You are remembering how it felt to drop, to feel your mind surrender. You remember your eagerness to feel control slip away.
At work, you keep finding yourself going over your scattered memories, piecing together events, trying to put them in order. Images and feelings flash back into your awareness as you remember what we did and what you became. You remember your focus. Your attention captured by a word or a gesture. You remember the all-consuming desire to do as you are told. You remember your inability and your unwillingness to resist. You remember pleasure...
You keep looking at your phone, wishing for a message...a trigger...a command. A word to send your mind reeling back to that place that felt so heavenly. You imagine your responses coming eagerly, so excited to obey. That you know you could never resist doesn't seem to matter. Running off to the bathroom to take and send a picture just like you've been told. Or taking a little longer and obeying a few more explicit commands.
You've become obsessed. Addicted. Your need overwhelms your reason. The rest of the world loses its color by comparison. You find yourself disappearing or closing your door for a few minutes of privacy. Anything to get a chance to relieve the desire building in your heart and in your body. Your other tasks for the day almost completely forgotten. The only tasks you care about are the ones I send you.
You come home and all that is on your mind is if we can do it all over again tonight. You eat, not out of enjoyment or need, but as a way to pass the time. To maintain some semblance of routine. You are vaguely aware that you need sustenance. That you'll want your strength if I decide to wear you out as completely as you know I am capable.
You watch the screen, silently praying for that green light. That flash of text to let you know my words will be with you again soon. To know that I am planning to claim you again. You shower, trying to calm yourself. Chiding yourself for what a mess you've let yourself become. Knowing that it's beyond your control now. Knowing that you wouldn't have it any other way.
You climb into bed. The stillness of the night awakens all your fantasies anew. Images half remembered mix with those desperately longed for. You are so lost in the haze of pleasure and the light trance your reverie has brought you back to that you are no longer sure what you've really experienced and what I've merely described to you. Which are your own desires and which are the ones I've created for you. You know deep down it doesn't matter. That you are long past caring about what is the real you. You are what I am making you. That is all that matters.
You fall asleep aching and unsatisfied. Always wanting more. Craving that release. Moaning in your sleep for a satisfaction only I can give you. You dream of that perfect surrender. Of giving yourself completely and the pleasure that submission brings. Of being taken, mind and body, completely. Over and over again.
You wake. Work is just a distraction. Something that gets in the way of devoting yourself fully to me. You wonder: if I commanded you to quit, could you resist? Captivated in the deepest part of your subjugation, would you do anything but eagerly obey? It frightens you a little that you don't know the answer. You wonder if that fear hides a secret wish...
And then, what else would you change, would you abandon, for the simple joy of obedience? The possibilities are endless and you find yourself writhing on the bed imagining them each in turn. I command you to look a certain way. You already dress each day however I tell you to, but what about something more...permanent. Gain or lose weight. Get a tattoo, implants, surgery. You get so excited thinking about being reshaped into my perfect doll.
What if your job was getting in the way of your submission to me? You take a sick day because you are told. Or move to part time. Or give your two weeks notice. You stop hanging out with the friends I don't approve of. The ones who think you are changing for the worse. Maybe you are told to start planting seeds of desire in the ones who seem excited by what I am making you. Would you corrupt them for me? Could you betray them? The way you moan at the thought gives you your answer.
You start talking to family less. They just got in the way of your devotion. The red flags anyone else would see just serve as further enticement in your broken mind. This is what you wanted, you tell yourself. Someone who would be worth it all. Who you could weigh your entire life against and not think twice about leaving it all behind.
And if I decide where you live is inconvenient to me. The neighborhood. The city. The timezone. You imagine finding yourself zoning in shopping for rentals in a zip code you don't recognize. Buying plane tickets. Finding your bags already packed due to suggestions you can't even remember but eagerly accepted.
You imagine I've decided to claim you. That when I've taken everything else from you, cut all the ties that kept you from me, I show up at your door. Unannounced to your conscious mind, but the depths of you that know your slavish devotion completely have been preparing for weeks. For months. When you think about it, you've been preparing for a lifetime.
This is what it was all for. This is what made everything worth it.
You found someone you would give everything up for. Someone to make you whatever I desire. And then, possessing that infinite power over you, mind and body. Possessing your heart. Your will.
I take what you are, and embrace it. Taking all of it, all of you, as you are.
Maybe that is why it is worth ruining your life over. Because even though you would, you know won't be asked to.
You are enough.
