Miah's notebook

Ramblings and thoughts about stuffs

[miahiswriting]

Absent fathers take up too much space

[miahiswriting]

Mama, is he kind? In a way I can recognise? In a way I can appreciate? In a way I can love?

When mama tells you of a boy, asking if you’re interested.

[featherumbrellas-deactivated201]

I think the most awful thing about poetry is that, no matter how well you write it, or how much you mean it, or how badly you want it to, it cannot make someone love you back.

[miahiswriting]

your name

Your name will always echo ameen within the chambers of my heart

You have resided within those walls where the sound of rabb 

rules

You will always leave a lingering scent of longing 

long after you are gone. 

Though you will never know-

You have been- oh so very wonderful

As lacking as these words are

I hope the very best (for you)

[miahiswriting]

My Dad never ever dreams he says

never visits his father

sleep is blank

but today he said to me

I saw you got it

I saw you had it in a dream

My father’s dreams are for me

And my future is his. 

I promise you this Baba.

[miahiswriting]

I know you need a warm embrace

I do not have command over my arms

I can not raise them as you need them

I need me more than you need me now

[miahiswriting]

Unrequited Rishta

My heart jumps for joy around you

So I keep my mouth shut

Lest it should come tumbling out

And leave a bloody mess

[miahiswriting]

Unrequited Rishta

My heart jumps for joy around you

So I keep my mouth shut

Lest it should come tumbling out

And leave a bloody mess

[miahiswriting]

You wound me

and so I asked my skin

Why did you bruise so?

And this is how I always am

I would rather

leave you be

and marvel at my pain

feel all of it

and patiently heal.

[miahiswriting]

you used to favourite everything i tweeted.

now i can’t respond to you(r texts, emails or phone calls).

i am deeply grieved by how easily i can unlove.

and how free that makes me feel.

[miahiswriting]

I feel everything and nothing, all at once.

[miahiswriting]

I think university is definitely a place

where i can undress my self

from structural woes and clothes of 

what i am

what i am supposed to be

who i am

and i have definitely been taught 

to exist only within the space that

i have been allowed to breathe in

and the reason why i don't share

the things i’ve accomplished or done

or been able to do

is because i’m reminded of the clothes i’m meant to be wearing

and then i forget to exist

as i mean to

and i just want to cry

because i’m so constrained

you claim to give me freedom

and opportunity 

but it comes with so many restrictions

that i can no longer speak to 

anyone except God about it

and i know only He understands

yesterday i went running

in a park, i’ve never been there before

and a brown uncle glared at me

with such contempt  

and i was going to smile at him

because that is how you greet humans

who you pass on a sunny cold day

in october

in the middle of park

and he made me forget to smile

and made me feel like shit

because i’m brown

and have boobs

and so should not 

make this home i live in

a better one

i should be caged

cloaked

covered

in choicelessness

and i only wan

and you called me a child

and so today i haven’t done anything productive

because i’m so immoral

and unislamic

for wanting to live the joy

in my bones

and muscles

and spirit

but you’ll never struggle to call me fat

but you will make it a struggle for me to get rid of it

and you always make me feel

ashamed

for wanting to breathe 

as much as i need to

and immoral and unislamic and wrong

but islam is the only lens through

which i make sense of the world

and my woes

and my wants

and my will

and my wonder

and this doesn’t mean anything

but it means everything.

[miahiswriting]

This one is for dad.

You stood in the middle

of the living room storm.

Dancing blindly with swords.

Your mouth sprouting beats 

in tune with each jab.

I, too transfixed to move.

I treasured your angry sorrow in my chest.

Felt it grow, greedily

Till it engulfed my heart.

So I spent empty full moon nights.

As that thing, that was yours

beated along to a tune

that was the soundtrack 

for my darkest days.

when the only thing I felt

was the hollow of my bones.

But I was shown a five pointed star.

I grasped it in my palms

it's points pricked my fingers like that spindle.

I saw the dark and you wash away.

And from here I stand and sit

for times the standing so strong is tiring.

And I see your shadow.

in place of you.

So I reach out.

And I realised that you too were wanting

I pick up the phone and ask you 

How are you doing?

I can tell when there is no music in your voice.

When the empty takes up all the space.

And I want to reach out,

from across all these cities

And hold you. 

To say

‘it is fine

Break.’

I'll watch and help clean up the mess

And try my damnedest to make sure you don't hurt

But you will hurt

But then you'll look up

And see something instead of this foggy nothing tonight.

[miahiswriting]

I think of you in smiles

Remembrance

[miahiswriting]

To Light Skinned Dark Girls

you will be called 

Beautiful

for ugly reasons

you will woke from that slumber

that sedated self hatred

you wear your otherness

in anger

to dispel the myths of

your melanin

the next time 

someone bleaches out your ancestry

uses their racial prejudice to cloak you in praise

you (and they) will see 

angry red

when someone mistakes who you are-

dishonours your lineage

you will rise

and burden them 

with the full weight of Your Being

You are infinite multitudes-

oceans and sunrises.

You are a story borne of the thousands before you 

You are all that You are

[fakeass-mariahcarey-blog]

this is so lovely, thank you.

[miahiswriting]

Thank You. For hearing me. For seeing me. I thank You.

[miahiswriting]

I think...You I thank...You

Love//Worship

[miahiswriting]

To Light Skinned Dark Girls

you will be called 

Beautiful

for ugly reasons

you will woke from that slumber

that sedated self hatred

you wear your otherness

in anger

to dispel the myths of

your melanin

the next time 

someone bleaches out your ancestry

uses their racial prejudice to cloak you in praise

you (and they) will see 

angry red

when someone mistakes who you are-

dishonours your lineage

you will rise

and burden them 

with the full weight of Your Being

You are infinite multitudes-

oceans and sunrises.

You are a story borne of the thousands before you 

You are all that You are