“Beyond the Gridiron” – Part 1
Me and Dezmond began drifting apart during summer practice. By the time the season started, we’d downgraded to just being occasional fuck buddies. We just stopped talking as much and as a result our relationship on and off the field became strained. With him being quarterback and me being our team’s running back, it was important that we kept our personal issues off the field. Whenever we were alone together, I’d ask him if he wanted to end the relationship. He’d always say no but I could tell he wanted to just as bad as I wanted to. The feeling just wasn’t there anymore and the more he tried to force it, the more I wanted it to end. Finally, one day I just decided enough was enough.
“I feel like it’s run its course,” I said to him as we sat in my car in the practice field parking lot. “You can’t even name one reason why we should keep it up.”
“It’s convenient, El,” he said to me. “I don’t wanna go back to fuckin’ around with random dudes who I gotta worry about tryin’ to out me if they get salty. And no other niggas on the team get down like we do.”
“That’s your only reason? Convenience?”
“What else do you want me to say? You act like I don’t care about you.”
“Yes. You know I do.” He sighed and continued, “El, we’ve been doin’ this for almost two years now. Nobody suspects a thing and I can’t lie; the convenience is a real factor. And even you can’t deny the sex is bomb as fuck. I still get horny whenever I think about you.”
“I get horny, too. But Dez, the connection ain’t there anymore. You know it and I know it. We can’t just keep fuckin’ to catch a nut and then not speak for days. Meanwhile, you’re throwing the ball to Shaad more than me because you’re frustrated with me.”
“That’s not why I throw the ball to Shaad. I throw it to him because he’s fast and he know how to shuffle his way out of a situation to catch the ball and run it. I hand or toss the ball to you when we need to get a first down quicker.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“Ellis, I feel like you’re puttin’ this shit on me because you haven’t been focused on the field lately.”
“I haven’t been focused? Nigga, you’re the one who thinks he’s faster than lightning and tryin’ to run the ball all the time; only to be sacked and lose yardage!”
“If I get sacked then it’s because you simple ass niggas don’t block worth shit and can’t seem to outrun even the weakest defensive line!”
I took a deep breath and told him, “That’s it, whatever we had is over. I’m not gonna fuck up my last college season over some dick. We both are tryin’ to get drafted and that means this season has to be our best. It can’t be the best if we’re mad at each other over shit that has nothin’ to do with football.”
“You’re the one bein’ difficult for no reason!”
“It ain’t for no reason, Dez. I want more than just some dick every now and then. You can call me a bitch or whatever you want, but I want somebody I can connect with beyond sex. I need somebody that I can talk to about the shit that be on my mind from day to day. I can’t do that with you because we don’t have that kind of relationship.”
“What if I let you fuck me? Will that change anything? I know you be wanting to because you’re always lookin’ at my ass and rubbin’ on my asshole when you suck me off. If that’ll fix our problems, then I’ll do it. I’ll let you fuck me.”
“That’s not what this is about? I am vers but I don’t wanna top you. I only do that shit because you got a tight and pink asshole. I mean it would be cool to fuck it but…” I shook my head. “No, I’m not doin’ this anymore. We gotta end it. And we can’t let it fuck with our performance on the field.”
He sighed loudly and said, “Well fuck it then. I tried. You wanna act like a bitch for no reason. I thought two grown ass niggas wouldn’t have to deal with this stupid bitch made bullshit but I guess I was wrong.”
“Can you get out my car? I’m ready to go.”
He gave me a look and asked, “Damn, you salty as fuck ain’t you? You big mad or lil’ mad right now?”
“Just get the fuck out of my car, Dezmond! I’m not salty. How am I salty and I’m the one kickin’ yo ass out? You couldn’t fuck worth a shit no way.”
“You a bitch ass nigga for real. And you can’t take dick. Fuck you!” He climbed out and slammed my door.
I watched him as he stomped his way over to his car and left the parking lot. After collecting myself, I started my car up and left. As I drove to the apartment I shared with two of my teammates, I thought about my recent behavior. I don’t know why I was wanting a boyfriend so bad. It was risky. I would definitely have to trust him and hope that he wouldn’t one day out me if things didn’t work out. My situation with Dezmond wasn’t threatening because he was a football player like me; therefore, he’d be outing himself if he ever said anything to anyone about us. I did feel bad for how I did him but I owed it to myself to strive for an actual relationship with somebody who respected me as much as I respected him.
So when I got to the apartment complex, I was happy to see neither of my teammates’ cars parked out front. I figured they probably both went to the gym after practice. However, when I stepped into the apartment, I was surprised to see Shaad sitting in the living room playing Madden NFL 17 on the PlayStation 4. Rashaad Salaam was our team’s best wide receiver and was one of my closest friends on the team. I was surprised by him being there because his black Toyota Land Cruiser wasn’t parked out front.
He noticed me walk in and said, “Wassup Ellis.”
“Wassup Shaad,” I said back before closing the door. “How are you here but you’re Land Cruiser ain’t?”
“I let Keyshia drive it to her Delta Sigma Theta meeting.”
“Oh, okay.” I sighed and began making my way towards the hall.
“Yo, hold up.” He paused the game. “What’s wrong with you?”
“It’s nothin’. I’m just tired.”
“It’s about Dezmond, ain’t it?”
Okay, when he asked me that I swear my whole body locked up for a quick second. I laughed nervously and asked, “What makes you say that?”
“He barely passed the ball to you in practice today. And both of y’all been actin’ weird lately.”
“Nah, we cool. I mean he does need to hand the ball to me a little more but we cool.”
“Yeah, bruh. It’s all good.” I waited until he resumed the game before I turned and headed to my room.
After closing the door, I tossed my duffle bag over near the closet and then collapsed on my bed. I looked at my phone to see Dezmond had texted me eleven times already. He’d forgotten that he’d called me a bitch just that fast. I wanted to text him back to get him to stop, but I honestly didn’t feel any different than I’d been feeling. I was over him. If we had something special to begin with then it would’ve been worth fighting for. He texted me a record twelfth time without me responding and that’s when I decided to just turn my phone off. Almost immediately after I turned it off, there was a knock at my bedroom door.
“It’s me,” Shaad said from out in the hallway. “Can I come in?”
He opened the door and stepped into my room before asking, “You wanna go get somethin’ to eat? The fridge is empty and I know you’re hungry.”
I laughed a little and told him, “Yeah, let me take a quick shower and put on some clothes first.”
Even though I was close friends with Shaad, I never let him know about me. And it wasn’t because I thought he’d out me or anything like that. I never told him because I figured since he came from that whole Nation of Islam background that he was most likely extremely homophobic. He was a cool down to earth dude and I’d never seen him get upset by anything before, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t homophobic. I always kept my front up whenever I was around him. I made sure not to even look at him a certain way.
We headed to Zaxby’s in my car to get some food but when we got there, he insisted on getting the food to go. I didn’t have a problem getting the food to go so I didn’t question why he didn’t wanna eat in the restaurant. I don’t know what it was but I kept getting this weird vibe from him. Usually he’d be going on and on about his girlfriend Keyshia but he’d only brought her up once that day when he told me she had his car. I would soon find out why—like me—he wasn’t himself that day.
“Why you wanted to bring the food back here?” I asked him while we were eating in the kitchen together.
“So we could talk in private,” he replied.
The moment he said that, I tensed up. I took a quick sip from my cup of Sprite and then asked, “What we need to talk about in private?”
“El, you don’t gotta lie to me. I know.”
“That you and him are…together.”
My heart was pounding in my chest but I was playing it off. I chuckled and lied, “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He took a deep breath and sighed before revealing, “Last Tuesday after practice I came back here and realized I left my phone in the locker room. So I drove all the way back to campus and…”
“I didn’t mean to walk in on it. I grabbed my phone and jetted.”
I couldn’t believe what was happening. My biggest fear was having somebody else find out about me and Dezmond, especially somebody like Shaad. Me and Dezmond mostly jacked off together that day in the locker room so I tried to come up with a bullshit excuse to give Shaad. “We just jacked off together. That’s it.”
“But y’all were kissing and he had his finger in your…”
“Damn, what all did you see?”
“Enough to know y’all just wasn’t catchin’ a nut together.”
“Oh my God.” I fell back in my chair and covered my face with my hands.
“El, I’m not gonna tell anybody. You know I wouldn’t do that.”
“I told him not to start no shit in the locker room. He kept sayin’ the possibility of gettin’ caught turned him on. I can’t believe this!”
“How the fuck is okay, Shaad? You probably lookin’ at me as a fag now. This is gonna change everything on the field. We’re gonna start missin’ plays and shit and…”
He reached over and touched my hand while staring into my eyes and said, “El, it’s okay. This doesn’t change anything, at least not for the worst.”
“I know you don’t think that you and Dez are the only niggas on the team that get down.” He laughed. “Bruh, you don’t even know the half.”
[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.
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