I hear my breath
And the ringing in my ear
Nothing is clear
And yet
I see the smoke part
I still guard my heart
I let you in and you left
I am alone with myself and my silence
Who is to blame?
Is it me?
I trust
And I give
Too much and too quickly
I must feel
To live
And I live
To feel
And because I feel
I want to die
I want to hide
I want to cry
I am not a victim of circumstance
This did not happen by chance
Did I self-destruct as I once believed?
Is it all my fault, or was I deceived?
“Yes I hurt you, but only because
You said this and that and the reason was
You are too emotional, you need to control
Those things that rise up in your soul.”
You said you loved me
And then you left
One because I hurt him
The other because
I am
Too much
To deal with.
And here is another
Introduced by my brother
A potential lover
I am broken
Is it beyond repair?
Can I trust you’ll be there?
What about when I’m sad?
What about when I yell?
And when my panic and anger swell?
When I push you away,
Will you still stay?
I need so much
I am afraid
I’ll lose myself
In you
I barely hold on
By a thread
And in bed
I cry and hide because
I am ashamed.
I want to be strong
You are strong
You are wrong
I am weak
I am tired
I can do this no longer
And yet I wake up
And eat and smile and work
All the while
Feeling as though I stand
On the edge of a cliff
Is it ok to lean on you?
I am afraid of what you do
I am afraid of what you say
I have heard others talk this way
“You are amazing. You are my soulmate.”
“You are beautiful. You are so brave.”
They want me for their own
I am the shiny thing
And shiny things
Attract thieves
That come
When it’s dark
And my heart
Is falling apart
They break and they take and they never make
A safe place
For me to feel and grow
And know
Who I am
Who I can be
Once they have the shiny thing
They realize that it wasn’t at all
What they thought it would be
And they let it fall
Between the cracks as they continue down the sidewalk
What scares me more?
Myself? Or you?
Does it even matter?
I fall too hard
I fall too fast
I scare myself
This cannot last
I am tired
And all that has passed
Makes me an outcast
And all I really want
Is to hide under the covers
And wait for light
To shine bright
And warm me.