Midnight Merciful

[midnightmerciful]

And in this moment I am being taught

To remain silent

To not complain

To not despair to others.

No good will come

From the complaints that I speak.

Let them stay in my head

Quiet and alone.

From silence I came

To silence I return.

[midnightmerciful]

Oh how I wish I could believe

The words I speak.

[midnightmerciful]

When my time comes

Will I say with honour

It would be my pleasure to die.

[midnightmerciful]

This gut renching sadness

Lord only you see me now

And only you are with me.

[midnightmerciful]

Allah you are with me.

اللّٰهُ حَاضِرِي

اللّٰهُ نَاظِرِي

اللّٰهُ مَعِي

[midnightmerciful]

Lord you are with me

And I am not alone.

[midnightmerciful]

And what a metaphor

That it's only the darkness of the night

And the stars that accompany it

That are a witness to the tears my soul bleeds.

[midnightmerciful]

And I'll think of you

Knowing that you will never think of me.

[midnightmerciful]

How do I cling to the feeling that I am loved by God when I've just sinned.

How can I say that I'm a slave of God when I did the thing he explicitly told me not to do.

When someone finds the answer please come and tell me.

Until then I'll sit here praying God takes me back to his side.

[midnightmerciful]

I don't want to be alone.

[midnightmerciful]

Following the deen has never felt so sweet.

Honest to God, I'm not doing anything worth noting.

I went to bed with wudu and I prayed the morning dua.

I did not, in anyway, do something that is written in books as going down in history.

But by Allah I feel like we're friends.

Me and you Allah.

Is this me being delusional.

Have the sins that bind my heart became so thick it clouds perception of myself.

Lord I require clearness.

Lord I yearn for closeness

Lord I beseech you for proximation to you.

[midnightmerciful]

It's going to be okay

That's inevitable

Are we not promised

The ease will come following the pain

But will I be pleased with myself

Once the hardship has lifted

And the clouds have cleared

Will I be able to live with the actions I did

Whilst I was going through it.

[midnightmerciful]

And maybe we weren't made to love each other in such a way because that would be sabotage.

God knew we would destroy ourselves in this insanity of love.

If we loved, and we were drunk on it, and we were obsessed with another person, we would lose ourselves.

Because that sort of Love should only be intended for Allah.

So he gave us a standard by which to love.

And we are told the peak and the best way to love is love for the sake of God.

For that is the purest form of love, fulfilling life's purpose by making yourself happy and pleasing God.

For even this thing that is solely for your benefit, it's not a form of worship, objectively, has become a way to Jannah.

And isn't that amazing, your road to Jannah was paved by your love.

[midnightmerciful]

I am sorry

I have greatly forgotten myself

[midnightmerciful]

Im so tired

So unbelievably tired

[midnightmerciful]

I'm floating

Not feeling

Not really hurting

Not yearning

Just floating

Almost numb

Sometimes numb to the point of death

Oo what I would give to feel

To hurt, to cry.

To feel something.

Watch yourself

Don't end up wishing something on yourself that will kill you.

[midnightmerciful]

And if I died tonight

Who would know.