sigh.

[midnightowner]

This past month has been so fucking mentally exhausting. But man, shout out to the three communities for the last two weeks: JDF, NWC, and FMM. Showing up truly can mean a lot both ways. I’m so fucking grateful for you guys. I’ve been dealing with so many emotions, ranging from heartbreak to exhaustion, but also the motherfuckin’ highs. Thank you guys for the boost and accepting me for my unapologetic self. Even when I get too inquisitive and ask too many questions or am confidently wrong or spaced the fuck out. Thank you for the patience and support. I wish my authentic communities were more convenient, but I’m so damn grateful for some of the people who are, were, and recently in my life regardless. I’m glad some people are grateful for knowing me too. It feels amazing to be able to effortless bring people up. We’ve been through some shit, so I’m glad we can support each other. Hell, it’s been amazing to see everyone support each other the best way they can in the moment. Thank you. I am so blessed.

[midnightowner]

I've been in survival mode lately. I feel my cynicism has been stronger than usual and has been causing me to spiral. I get hits of hope every once in a while, which helps me ride over the cynicism. But the cynicism has been coming in strong. I can't tell if it's because of my community, society, or some combo of both.

MS has been my most recent hit of hope. But he leaves the state in a couple of weeks. It breaks my heart. I think after he leaves, there is going to be a deficit in that part of my community: the Muay Thai community. IT and I will be the last veterans left? Although I feel like I technically fall under the generation after IT's generation, even if I originally went to that gym for a different class. Ugh, I definitely do not want to be friends with IT. I'm not sure if I should let go of that Muay Thai community and find a new one. Well, I think the question is more: when do I move on?

I think my 1+ year goal will be to prioritize vacation more. Especially nature. Not sure if I'll get enough nature fix in OC to spiritually satisfy me in a couple of weeks, but I've already been brainstorming for January 2027. I just realized it seems like some of my friends go on vacation a lot, but it's because they take shorter vacations. I aim to vacation every 5 months, max. I also prefer to take longer vacations due to savoring the moment, buffer days, and revisiting places that bring me joy. I'm more leisurely-paced than some of my friends, but I get more done than other friends.

My shorter goal? Finish the book I've been reading with Apo and Rigel. I kind of don't want the book to end, though. It's hard to find people who share the same spirituality as me, which I guess is another deficiency in my community. Not as bad as Muay Thai, though, which feels like it's getting to zero after MS leaves. Reading this book simultaneously gives me hope and makes me feel lonely. lmao But it's a nice break from the cynicism.

[midnightowner]

Nonsensical brain dump that makes sense to me.

Two people told me they think I could do van life. One of them shared the same issue as me: my driving anxiety. A few days ago, a vanlifer posted a short about her driving anxiety. There were many commenters echoing this too. I was like “Life, is this is you pushing me? I’m not planning to do van life anytime soon! Maybe not even in the next 5 years!”

I wonder if I should date someone into nature. Wondering if it needs to be a “must” like other stuff like “has a good support group”. People don’t live or move to my state for nature though…

[fieldexplores]

Proud Papa (Part 4/4) - Gator Days

[fieldexplores]

Aunt Julia's Cabin (Part 2/3) - Gator Days

[midnightowner]

I am grateful and pleasantly surprised by the support of some of the people in my life. Even the person who has a tendency to be problematic was so empathetic. I think I kind of got triggered by the guy that told me “Definitely take time to decompress, perhaps hiking or walking can help?” I wanted to be like stfu stfu stfu. Why are you giving me a plan of action? Why are you telling me that after something heavy? It’s insensitive. It hasn’t even been 24 hours.

I was talking to AP about some stuff. He has his issues and isn’t perfect, but I was happy to see him help others out, especially for RY. RY was a cause of worry for some of us, but I’m glad he had at least one person he felt comfortable enough to be open with. Also talked to AP about the deaths in our lives. I’m glad he’s been taking care of himself and trying to get his sibling to do the same. The reality of the future is kind of bleak, but we can still try to do our best today and make it a bit more bearable. It is tiring, though.

I was talking to LM about some stuff. I’m so tired of people doing stupid shit and self-sabotaging. I’m so tired of selfish, egocentric people. I’m tired of people. Tired of witnessing unloyal, two-faced people. I am cynical, I’ll admit. I think the small pockets of genuine selfishness I see from others are what help me not give up hope on society. To those, I say thank you.

[midnightowner]

It’s so surprising to me when I’m candid and it attracts a lot of positive attention. Sometimes I feel stupid and slow, so it’s nice to not feel that way among a sea of people. I still don’t like being in the spotlight, but I do like people appreciating what i share. It’s nice to share joy in common interests and even learn from others. Although the volume of people and stuff definitely caught me off guard.

I don’t think I ever got a concrete answer though, but at least I can make a more educated guess. lol

I also am glad to be able to be myself with some people, even if it’s in doses. M thought I was exaggerating about some things regarding R, but R was like, no, she’s right. lmao It feels nice to not have to be afraid to call out people on their shit and not have it become some messy denial thing. Although, I feel like most people who stay in my life know better than to stick around if they can’t handle my blunt side.

[midnightowner]

Went to a local event and bought two candles. Sounds like a mini-fireplace. The smell surprisingly does make me feel like I’m enveloped in a warm hug.

It was a fun, chill day yesterday. And I’m glad the person I was with felt the same way. I’m thankful that despite having sleeping issues and starting off with a dull headache, I’m able to feel some version of calmness right now despite everything going on.

I hope some of my friends pull through in two weeks. I don’t want to be alone with Hieu and TM. Hieu is so self-absorbed. I tried to bail but he rescheduled. He’s lucky I like TM and the others enough to help plan these things out. They’re the reason why I have enough patience for this. Otherwise, I wouldn’t put much or any effort with him.

[midnightowner]

Snek

[midnightowner]

Mulch ring project. Yay for free mulch.

[midnightowner]

Been dealing with fatigue for 10 days. I hope when I wake up in the morning, it won’t be my 11th.

My heart aches. I used to think this girl was wrong that only broken people can understand. But I’m starting to think she was right. I thought I had proven her wrong with my lived experience. It’s starting to look like it’s turning out that way, though. But then again, this season in my life may pass, and I’ll disagree with her again.

I remember when two guys separately said that they couldn’t open up to their girlfriends at the time. The boys would try but then end up being the one comforting the girlfriend. It was too much for the girls. But the guys themselves were the one looking for relief in the first place. They didn’t get what they were looking for.

I don’t expect anyone to understand me 100%. I don’t expect anyone to be there for me during the lowest of lows. I am grateful for myself and my self-validation. It makes the world more bearable. But I’m also so tired. Sometimes, I do long for outside validation so I don’t have to carry the heaviness alone. But the majority don’t know how to be there for that part of me. Which is fine. Empathy is painful, and I wouldn’t wish that type of pain on them.

That’s why I’m glad for yesterday’s smaller moment. The relief was short, but it was nice to be able to breathe for a bit. It was nice to be able to not have to censor myself. It was nice to feel heard. I’m glad we were on the same wavelength. I did not have the energy to try to get them to understand if they didn’t.

[midnightowner]

December 5, 2025 to February 13, 2026

[midnightowner]

I trained with a strong partner at MT yesterday. Training session was to practice defense, but my partner let me focus on my kicks. There was something oddly satisfying to me when my partner dodged my kick and I did a 360. It probably didn’t look graceful, but it felt graceful. My partner told me I would be a good fighter, which took me by surprise. It was so obvious my defense was lacking and that I think too much. Coach even told me I’ve done all this before! And blocking with shins is the basic! But I did appreciate my partner’s praise. He’s knowledgeable and makes MT look cool and intuitive. I don’t think I would want to dedicate my time to train for a fight though.

I think I fucked up my hand though.

Ugh, man. I checked up on someone and their family, and they told me such a dark secret. They thanked me for following up and then told me how it was resolved. I didn’t need to know that shit! No warning!!! I guesss they had no one else to really tell, but me?? That’s what I get got asking. Sometimes I feel like people take advantage of my secrecy *coughmomcough*. I used to think it was cool when people would share their secrets with me. But now I find some of them a burden.

Spent this afternoon and evening with my mom checking out businesses for a friend. Hoping my backup plan for them comes through. I forgot to ask for one info though. Picked up some stuff from Paris Baguette for my family too.

[midnightowner]

Mangggg… Danny’s mom sent me this video, and it’s so bittersweet. LOL This was Father’s Day 2017, and everyone was just… going through the motions. I am honored they all felt comfortable with me joining them that day during a vulnerable time. It also had worked out with my own Father’s Day plans. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the family.

[midnightowner]

This video is so much more depressing now…

[midnightowner]

Five days of fatigue in a row. Been doing my best to rest where I can. It sucks to see others I care about go through shit too, but I’m glad we’re able to have pockets of relief, including shared ones.

Been trying to not isolate myself. It’s hard for me though. I barely have the energy to even socialize via text, but I know it’s not good for me to be so antisocial. Appreciated low-effort conversations with good friends though.

[midnightowner]

It’s been a rollercoaster this past week. Some of it felt so overwhelming and like I was going to explode. I’m glad through some of it, I’ve been able to stay grounded though.

My patience for some people has been wearing thin though. NV pissed me off. I haven’t talked to them since 2024, and a lot has happened since then. We were catching up. I told them many times I wasn’t doing well. “it’s been rough”, “I’m tired”, “Life has been 🤪 A lot of shit but some nice moments.” I wasn’t expecting them to ask me for details, but I hated when they said they were happy for me when I mentioned one improvement in my life. I did miss this friend, but now I’m glad we became distant. This felt like déjà vu in more than one ways. My heart cannot take it right now.

Highlights since the last post:

More flowers from the kalanchoe. Ironic to the last couple of years, the Vietnamese name for the plant is “hoa sống đời”, which literally translates to “live life flower”, or I guess “the longevity flower”. My mom was neglecting it and didn’t expect it to have offshoots. I have been tending it for months now. I also gave a cutting to a friend last Monday.

I’ve been composting for a couple of weeks, and it’s been amazing to see how fast the pile has been shrinking. Well, my mom dug a hole for cold composting, but I started being more active with it. It’s been nice to use my brown packing paper that I get. That clutter pile has shrunken in my office. The trial-and-error process has been fun too. My environmental side is feeling fulfilled, even if there is more I would like to do.

I’ve been making progress on this neglected-by-family Paint-By-Number project.

[midnightowner]

Man... This week has been something. I was on a high, trying to use my connections to help others. Felt like I was playing secretary Tetris. There was some roofing drama that was pissing me off, though. It was so frustrating, I had no idea wtf was going on, and it took me a while to form my thoughts enough to finally vent to someone about it. But even then, I was still leaving out a lot of details because I'm so fucking tired (of this shit). lol

Anyway, I don't want to go into that anymore. Regarding Secretary Tetris, I was like, "Yes. Making the world slightly better!" But fuck, man, what a dark start to the weekend, unrelated to the roofing drama. Sigh. *cues "The Sound of Silence"* "empathy is often painful. if you're so primed to avoid pain i can see why that kills any capacity for empathy." Even then, there may be times others won't ever be able to empathize with you. Sometimes, it may be an invalidating, heartbreaking solo journey. I don't know, man.

With all of that aside, one of the things I've been looking forward to is seeing this kalanchoe flower.

Kind of surprised I was able to get some rest last night despite sleeping late and waking up super early today. I'll take that, though. Grateful.