sigh.

@midnightowner

10.4K posts

I am grateful and pleasantly surprised by the support of some of the people in my life. Even the person who has a tendency to be problematic was so empathetic. I think I kind of got triggered by the guy that told me “Definitely take time to decompress, perhaps hiking or walking can help?” I wanted to be like stfu stfu stfu. Why are you giving me a plan of action? Why are you telling me that after something heavy? It’s insensitive. It hasn’t even been 24 hours.

I was talking to AP about some stuff. He has his issues and isn’t perfect, but I was happy to see him help others out, especially for RY. RY was a cause of worry for some of us, but I’m glad he had at least one person he felt comfortable enough to be open with. Also talked to AP about the deaths in our lives. I’m glad he’s been taking care of himself and trying to get his sibling to do the same. The reality of the future is kind of bleak, but we can still try to do our best today and make it a bit more bearable. It is tiring, though.

I was talking to LM about some stuff. I’m so tired of people doing stupid shit and self-sabotaging. I’m so tired of selfish, egocentric people. I’m tired of people. Tired of witnessing unloyal, two-faced people. I am cynical, I’ll admit. I think the small pockets of genuine selfishness I see from others are what help me not give up hope on society. To those, I say thank you.

It’s so surprising to me when I’m candid and it attracts a lot of positive attention. Sometimes I feel stupid and slow, so it’s nice to not feel that way among a sea of people. I still don’t like being in the spotlight, but I do like people appreciating what i share. It’s nice to share joy in common interests and even learn from others. Although the volume of people and stuff definitely caught me off guard.

I don’t think I ever got a concrete answer though, but at least I can make a more educated guess. lol

I also am glad to be able to be myself with some people, even if it’s in doses. M thought I was exaggerating about some things regarding R, but R was like, no, she’s right. lmao It feels nice to not have to be afraid to call out people on their shit and not have it become some messy denial thing. Although, I feel like most people who stay in my life know better than to stick around if they can’t handle my blunt side.

Went to a local event and bought two candles. Sounds like a mini-fireplace. The smell surprisingly does make me feel like I’m enveloped in a warm hug.

It was a fun, chill day yesterday. And I’m glad the person I was with felt the same way. I’m thankful that despite having sleeping issues and starting off with a dull headache, I’m able to feel some version of calmness right now despite everything going on.

I hope some of my friends pull through in two weeks. I don’t want to be alone with Hieu and TM. Hieu is so self-absorbed. I tried to bail but he rescheduled. He’s lucky I like TM and the others enough to help plan these things out. They’re the reason why I have enough patience for this. Otherwise, I wouldn’t put much or any effort with him.

Snek

Mulch ring project. Yay for free mulch.

Been dealing with fatigue for 10 days. I hope when I wake up in the morning, it won’t be my 11th.

My heart aches. I used to think this girl was wrong that only broken people can understand. But I’m starting to think she was right. I thought I had proven her wrong with my lived experience. It’s starting to look like it’s turning out that way, though. But then again, this season in my life may pass, and I’ll disagree with her again.

I remember when two guys separately said that they couldn’t open up to their girlfriends at the time. The boys would try but then end up being the one comforting the girlfriend. It was too much for the girls. But the guys themselves were the one looking for relief in the first place. They didn’t get what they were looking for.

I don’t expect anyone to understand me 100%. I don’t expect anyone to be there for me during the lowest of lows. I am grateful for myself and my self-validation. It makes the world more bearable. But I’m also so tired. Sometimes, I do long for outside validation so I don’t have to carry the heaviness alone. But the majority don’t know how to be there for that part of me. Which is fine. Empathy is painful, and I wouldn’t wish that type of pain on them.

That’s why I’m glad for yesterday’s smaller moment. The relief was short, but it was nice to be able to breathe for a bit. It was nice to be able to not have to censor myself. It was nice to feel heard. I’m glad we were on the same wavelength. I did not have the energy to try to get them to understand if they didn’t.

December 5, 2025 to February 13, 2026

I trained with a strong partner at MT yesterday. Training session was to practice defense, but my partner let me focus on my kicks. There was something oddly satisfying to me when my partner dodged my kick and I did a 360. It probably didn’t look graceful, but it felt graceful. My partner told me I would be a good fighter, which took me by surprise. It was so obvious my defense was lacking and that I think too much. Coach even told me I’ve done all this before! And blocking with shins is the basic! But I did appreciate my partner’s praise. He’s knowledgeable and makes MT look cool and intuitive. I don’t think I would want to dedicate my time to train for a fight though.

I think I fucked up my hand though.

Ugh, man. I checked up on someone and their family, and they told me such a dark secret. They thanked me for following up and then told me how it was resolved. I didn’t need to know that shit! No warning!!! I guesss they had no one else to really tell, but me?? That’s what I get got asking. Sometimes I feel like people take advantage of my secrecy *coughmomcough*. I used to think it was cool when people would share their secrets with me. But now I find some of them a burden.

Spent this afternoon and evening with my mom checking out businesses for a friend. Hoping my backup plan for them comes through. I forgot to ask for one info though. Picked up some stuff from Paris Baguette for my family too.

Mangggg… Danny’s mom sent me this video, and it’s so bittersweet. LOL This was Father’s Day 2017, and everyone was just… going through the motions. I am honored they all felt comfortable with me joining them that day during a vulnerable time. It also had worked out with my own Father’s Day plans. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the family.

This video is so much more depressing now…

Five days of fatigue in a row. Been doing my best to rest where I can. It sucks to see others I care about go through shit too, but I’m glad we’re able to have pockets of relief, including shared ones.

Been trying to not isolate myself. It’s hard for me though. I barely have the energy to even socialize via text, but I know it’s not good for me to be so antisocial. Appreciated low-effort conversations with good friends though.

It’s been a rollercoaster this past week. Some of it felt so overwhelming and like I was going to explode. I’m glad through some of it, I’ve been able to stay grounded though.

My patience for some people has been wearing thin though. NV pissed me off. I haven’t talked to them since 2024, and a lot has happened since then. We were catching up. I told them many times I wasn’t doing well. “it’s been rough”, “I’m tired”, “Life has been 🤪 A lot of shit but some nice moments.” I wasn’t expecting them to ask me for details, but I hated when they said they were happy for me when I mentioned one improvement in my life. I did miss this friend, but now I’m glad we became distant. This felt like déjà vu in more than one ways. My heart cannot take it right now.

Highlights since the last post:

More flowers from the kalanchoe. Ironic to the last couple of years, the Vietnamese name for the plant is “hoa sống đời”, which literally translates to “live life flower”, or I guess “the longevity flower”. My mom was neglecting it and didn’t expect it to have offshoots. I have been tending it for months now. I also gave a cutting to a friend last Monday.

I’ve been composting for a couple of weeks, and it’s been amazing to see how fast the pile has been shrinking. Well, my mom dug a hole for cold composting, but I started being more active with it. It’s been nice to use my brown packing paper that I get. That clutter pile has shrunken in my office. The trial-and-error process has been fun too. My environmental side is feeling fulfilled, even if there is more I would like to do.

I’ve been making progress on this neglected-by-family Paint-By-Number project.

Man... This week has been something. I was on a high, trying to use my connections to help others. Felt like I was playing secretary Tetris. There was some roofing drama that was pissing me off, though. It was so frustrating, I had no idea wtf was going on, and it took me a while to form my thoughts enough to finally vent to someone about it. But even then, I was still leaving out a lot of details because I'm so fucking tired (of this shit). lol

Anyway, I don't want to go into that anymore. Regarding Secretary Tetris, I was like, "Yes. Making the world slightly better!" But fuck, man, what a dark start to the weekend, unrelated to the roofing drama. Sigh. *cues "The Sound of Silence"* "empathy is often painful. if you're so primed to avoid pain i can see why that kills any capacity for empathy." Even then, there may be times others won't ever be able to empathize with you. Sometimes, it may be an invalidating, heartbreaking solo journey. I don't know, man.

With all of that aside, one of the things I've been looking forward to is seeing this kalanchoe flower.

Kind of surprised I was able to get some rest last night despite sleeping late and waking up super early today. I'll take that, though. Grateful.

Hosted the yearly winter get-together, but this time, in honor of my brother, Huy. I had a lot more fun and more laughs than I expected. I did feel a bit self-conscious that we were laughing a lot at the cemetery, but a lot of stupid shit kept coming up. 😂 Even in death, you’re still bringing us joy.

Towards the end to about 2AM, I did start feeling nostalgic. I don’t usually eat out with the group during those yearly get-togethers, but I generally show up at the end when the same 2-3 people are still around. It definitely made me sad to not hear Huy’s voice or laughter this time around.

I struggle to be vulnerable, so I do find some solace from today. It did take a lot to socialize today though, so I’m back to prioritizing rest.

Man, medicated depression is a lot more bearable than not medicated, but of course I still deal with moments of misery, apathy, and/or exhaustion/fatigue. Last Saturday was fucking brutal… I have no idea if there are plans for me to be off my anti-depressants in 2026, but I definitely will discuss with my doctor about May and December.

Good Muay Thai session yesterday! 😊

I appreciate this vibe. 🥹🥰 I cried the other day because of Shuyen and Porcupine. I’m not stressing as much nowadays, although my insomnia is beating my ass again/still. I’m trying to have more fun, so I’m thankful for these two. It makes going out easier.

ALSO, I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE FRANCISCO OFFERED ME HIS TOOTHLESS. 😭 MY FUCKING HEART.

Dealt with a sinus infection for a couple weeks about a month ago. Had some troubling symptoms and decided to go see a doctor. She also brought up my depression symptoms, which surprised me. Gave me some SSRIs and SARIs for my depression and insomnia. The SSRIs took awhile but has been helping. I’m still playing around with the dosage of the SARIs and melatonin for sleep though. That’s been a struggle.

Had a follow-up appointment a few days ago. I asked her about grief and my antidepressants and if it changes our approach. She said she’s not worried about the current approach. If I didn’t have a history of depression, then she wouldn’t have recommended it, but because I have a history of depression, she recommends I continue our current plan. Especially because the grief is making it worse. She told me a lot of things, such as anecdotes about other patients, and it made me so grateful she’s my doctor. It definitely made me feel seen. The current plan is to take antidepressants for a year and see if that helps. We will do another follow-up in a few months.

It was nice hanging out with RN and ED last week. I’m glad I initiated the hangout, even if it took me weeks to find the energy. I felt like part of a community with them.

CG and I have started talking more this past week. I’m grateful for his perspective. I didn’t think I would ever be friends with someone like him. I especially appreciated when he called me out for calling myself lazy. And how he made me realize I actually do a lot more than I realize. Although compared to him and others, I don’t really do a lot, so I was surprised he said that.

I will say though, I’m so fucking tired of people trying to give me advice on how to deal with my depression or low energy. It is so dismissive. But I don’t have the energy to explain. I’m still learning about it, especially through trial and error. I wish some people could be honest with themselves about how little they know about [my] depression. Depression can look different in everyone. Most of the time, I don’t want advice. I just want patience, an understanding that I am doing my best, and support.

That last sentence has been on my mind lately lol

sigh. @midnightowner - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag