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LOVE OVER SPIRTIUALITY

Fighting over within myself is the most difficult challenge in life..

Struggling over what you believe in and what your heart desire is the supreme trial to take in

Battling over what is good and right.

It’s been 1 year and 2 weeks and I still can’t get through this challenge of myself.

If love is a choice what good is a choice? If I can’t fight the person I love the most over Almighty God

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure..

Yes! I chose God over the person I loved. Because I don’t want her to Become sinners like me.

I don’t want to drag her to a temporarily insanity.

Yes, you are accurate the relationship is not right and pleasing to his eyes; but it felt like she, my feelings, her feelings is right but NOT.. It felt good but not right..

I let her go and turned my back, broke my promises to her and shattered her heart..

I stayed away from her so God could wipe out all her sins to become pure again..

I loved her so much for I can’t bear to see her not being with the person whose right for her with blessing from above.

But why until now I am still unhappy, sadness still lurking inside my heart even if I did the right thing

Yearning keeps growing because the longer I hide my feelings for her the more I fall for her. But I can’t make a move for I know if I return to her it will only goes back from where it started.

I thought it will be easy when I discontinued my relationship to her but it was not..

I stopped going to church because I am still guilty that I am sinner

Yes! It’s true that heart is temporary and I wish I had a push button to change my craziness

I wish I can switch off my heart but not.. I brush it off all the time but then it keeps coming back.

It’s been a year and still I can feel the pain..

*On top of that I realized all these during my heightened feelings for her to the point of asking her to marry me but then it struck me HOW? OO! Mahal na mahal ko siya peo magiging happy ba talaga kmi kung hindi nmn tama ang panahon at ang pagkatao*

ikaw lng

Love never asks why since it speaks from the deepest heart of me and never explains.. it doesn't think twice and it comes at once. it has to be strong.. yes, my love stays strong when your in my arms and more stronger even more now.. you thought na unfair ako na iniwan kita, mali ka dun mas totoo ung naramdaman ko na nagkaroon ako ng courage na iwan ka kasi alam ko na may taong karapat-dapt para sau.. masakit na iniwan kita, hindi ko kinaya ung nararamdam ko, isang bagay na hanggang ngaun tinatanung ko pa rin na tama ba ako sumunod ako na ibigay sau ang kalayaan na para sau o mahalin ka ng wala kang kalayaan na matagpuan ang taong karapat dapt para sau.. UU! duwag ako na na itali ka ng habang buhay sa piling ko, kasi takot ako na mahalin mo ako kasi maling tao ako, takot ako na patuloy ka na magkasala sa mata ng nasa taas kasi maling AKO, ANG PAGKATAO KO PARA SAU.. minsan na icip ko, sana tama lang ang pagkatao ko para mapatunayan ko sau na ikaw lng at nag iisang ikaw lng ang gusto ko makasama habang buhay peo mali e.. hindi ko kayang baguhin.. gusto ko man ipagpatuloy na sana tau lague kaso ung pakiramadam na inuusig ka ng nasa itaas at itatak sa puso ko paano mo sasabhin na mahal mo cia kung hindi KO nmn kaya ibigay ang tamang para sa knya. ang saklap na isasampal sa mukha mo at pakiramdam na ipinagdadamot ko pala ang pagmamahal at kalayaan mo.. ang hirap icipin, ang bigat sa pakiramdam na bitawan ka.. sobrang sakit na ile-let go ang pinaka importanteng tao sa buhay ko.. peo wala ako magawa.. hindi ko kaya patagalin na patuloy ka magksala..

ang daming kung tanung sa taas.. masaya ako na ibinigay ka nia sa akin na iparamdam na may nagmamahal sa akin ng totoo peo ikaw rin pala ang naging paraan para kunin ka nia sa akin at baguhin ang pananaw ko sa buhay.. ang tanging hiling ko lng sa nasa itaas e ung wag nmn nia kunin pati memories mo para sa akin, un na lng ang pinanghahawakan ko sau..

sapat na bawiin ka nia sa akin wag lng un pakiramdam na mahalin ka kahit malau ka sa akin.. takot ako na mawala ung memories mo kaya wala ako ibang minahal kundi ikaw sa buong tao na wala tau. hanggang ngaun.. wala ako karapatan magmahal kasi ikaw lng mahal ko.. ngaun lang nangyari sa buong buhay ko.. i kept my promises.. to love you forever.. na ikaw ang pinakahuling babae na mamahalin ko at wala ng iba.. hanggang ngaun.. buo ung pakiramdam ko.. hindi man tau ang tinadhana sapat na ako na mahal kita and andito lng un sa puso ko habang buhay..

#'ya

may mga bagay pa rin ako na hindi ko maintindihan at hindi maipaliwanag.. cguru nga lahat ng katanungan ay walang sagot.. at ang lahat ng sagot ay hindi na dapt sagutin ng isang katanungan..

pilitin ko man sagutin ang mga katanungan ko peo wala rin solution dun.. hindi maari maresolve at palitan ang tamang scripture.

bkit nga ba? anu ba talga ang dapat.. ang daming kung tanung peo iisa lang ang sagot na namumutawi.. to love you from a distance..

nakakatuwang icipin na binabasa ko ulit lahat ng sinulat ko sa papel na hindi ko kayang isulat sa pribadong blog ko.. mas masarap sa pakiramdam ung isusulat ko sa papel kasi bumubuhos lahat ng emotions at pagmamahal sa bawat patak ng tinta ayon sa nararamdam ko ng mga uras na yaon.. kahit paulit ulit kong basahin ang bawat sinulat ay ganun pa rin ung naramramdam ko ng mga moment na naramdaman ko isulat ang bawat nilalaman ng aking puso..

ang pagmamahal hindi masusukat dahil may status/relationship/commitment.. minsan mararmdaman mo na totoo ung nararamdam kapag wala na kau, hindi dahil nasaktan o regrets na wala na kau kundi ung memories na iniwan at binuo nung dati kau..ang sarap sa pakiramdam na mahal mo ang isang tao kahit hindi mo na kelangan ipaalam na mahal mo pa cia.. minsan sapat na ung itago at ikaw mismo ang magcherish nung akalain ng partner na nawala.. minsan may mga bagay na nagpapahirap sa isang relationship lalo't alam mo na mas gusto mo maging masaya cia at tahakin nia ang tamang daan para sa kanya..

isang bagay lng na napatunayan ko sa buong taon na wala kmi.. ay ung mapatunayan ko na buo ang pagmamahal ko sa knya peo hindi sapat na sabhin na buo un kung hindi mo ibibigay ung karapatn nia na magmahal ng tamang tao na para sa knya na alam mo sa simula't sapol tama sa pakiramdam mo ung pagmamahal na nararamdamn mo sa kanya peo mali sa panahon at sa pagkatao..

12/13/2013

its been ages ng hindi ako nakakasulat dito ah.. tagal na.. 1 year and 3 days.. now lng ulit ako nagkalakas loob buksan..

1 year and 3 days dami ko na realized.

not enough for me to contemplate however napatunayan ko lng na ikaw at iisang ikaw lng ang minahal ko ng higit sa pagmamahal na hindi ko iniexpect.. kaya nga until now mahal kita.. hindi ko lng masabi na mahal kita peo mas sobra pa... hindi ko na kelangan sabhin sau na mas minahal kita ng sobra.. its still gives me butterflies everyday, seconds, hours na narraramdam ko.. ang weird ko kasi mas ok na mahal kita ng sobra khit hindi mo alam.. khit malau ka at khit wala na tau..

12/15/2012

ahm... official na toh... kausap kita sa skype.. i asked you one more time if magbabago pa icip..

ang tanga ko lng talga na d ko pa naintindihan na 100 percent na decided na k NA..

grAbe mabaliw baliw na ako... wala ako kausap kundi sarili ko.. ang maliit na higaan at ilang unan ang tanging kasama ko... wala ako masabihan at makausap.. akalain mo na ako lng talaga gagawa ng way para mawala ung nararamdaman ko.. mas pinakamahirap na toh.. wala ako comfort zone ko super lau ko.. wala pamilya ko.. kya ako lng.. hirap ng nasa malayong lugar ka tapos eto ang mraramdaman mo.. nag iisa..

mahirap ngaun at bukas at sa isang bukas.. sa darating na bukas..

peo panigurado mawawala at mabubura lahat ng nararamdaman ko...

cicguraduhin ko na bato na ulit akong babalik..

Parang tanga lng ako!!!!

Parang gago lng ako e noh!! Nag iintay tumunog ang telepono at makita na cia ang nagtxt.. Potek!! Hirap nmn!! Wala ako magawa!! Wala ako makausap!! Wala ako mapagsabhin at wala ako ibang kasama kundi ang unan... Wala ako sa pinas kaya mas ten times ung stabbed at sakit na nararamdamn ko.. D man lng makapg unwind at labas d katulad sa pinas kasama ko pamangkin ko.. E dto ako lng..

December 11, 2012

start: 2:30

i don't know how to begin again..

i am so frustrated...

i am so alone...

this is so hard...

i am so vulnerable...

i am unlucky...

i am so unworthy...

i cannot carry my heart... my feelings.. my emotions..

i don't know whom to talk to...

i will carry my burden alone...

i asked for it so i have to suffer the consequences..

i can't drink till i'm drunk... till i fall over..

i want to sleep to death...

i want to stay away from where i am now...

i want to pull my heart out and put it back when the rain is over...

my heart beats triple and i want it to stop...

my eyes is crying vigorously and i want my lacrimal duct to stops..

i want to block my thalamus..

i want to my neurons to stop functioning...

But then ....

i don't want to forget you..

i don't want to stay away from you..

i don't want to erase you from my memories..

i don't want to forget the feelings that we used to share..

i don't want to stop from crying because it reminds me of you...

i don't want to fall over and stumble and be gone...

you will always...

you will always stays in my heart...

you will always my 'ya...

you will always be a part of me...

you will always complete me...

you will always be the person i want to grow old with...

end : 2:50

December 11, 2012

Start: 2:00 am

i am so thorn...

i am loser...

i am damned...

i am nobody...

i am so out of the blue...

End: 2:30

meaningless

Dear You,

i don't know how to put this in to words.. but definitely a lot of things change...

we seldom talked, yeah! you and i are both busy.time between us are taking at stake

i don't want to be the disturbance to you nor interrupt your way of life..

we never fought at all even small things, you don't want any arguments..

i wanted to put a spice on it but eventually i back down for i might intrude ur thinking

Silly it may sounds, self-centered. Yeah! i guess so..

pondering............, thinking.............., wondering...............

what kind of life is really ahead of us???

From,

blue days

I often find myself depressed and start analyzing...why am I depressed? I talk with other people about similar feelings...."blue" days....

I'm coming to the realization that I'm just really, really, really bored. And I have thought about this for a long time....what would make me happy?....what could I be doing that would make me feel better?

Im in a state of unbearable feeling of sadness. It's heavy. It hurts. It's almost tangible. I feel down...

NOTHING makes me feel better (except wen im with 'ya) EVERYTHING sucks. Everything hurts, and I don't want to do a damn thing. I want to sleep. Period.

Im in a state of transient affective....confronted with nothingness and meaninglessness of existence... :-(

crazy

i've realized that life is indeed full of contradictions .. sometimes its crazy to be sane .. you need to fall to fly .. people suffer because you care .. you have to unlearn to know the lesson .. you have to give up because you are strong .. you have to be wrong to make things right .. nonetheless,, life's complexities are also life's source of beauty .. we should cry to laugh again .. fall apart to be whole again and get hurt to love again .. wonderful isn't it??

fight for something i want and not to fight...

do we nid to get wat we want or stop wanting? we ol, from tym to tym become

slaves to our desires... we imagine we'l feel wonderful wen we finally achieve our

goals.. sometimes its a big let down... we dont feel anything like wat we had

expected.. y is dat? if our goals and priorities cause us to struggle.. do we stick

with them or stop chasing the same old rainbow?.. i have learned if you fight hard

and long enough you can accomplish almost anything.. it often seems one road we

choose will lead to a destination worth reaching.. however the other road may lead

to a hollow victory... one road is usually a little easier to follow and therefore holds

the allure of accomplishments... that is where that hollow victory feeling comes in..

if we stick to the narrow path it usually takes more effort but then the personal

rewards seem so much more satisfying... i feel it for myself.. i want them to be

attainable.. jaz like the goals i set for my kids at KV.. i want my goal to be

something i can strive for with confidence.. yet know in my heart it will take effort

and commitment on my part.. without crushing me in the process....

wer life takes us...

lyf is niether fair nor unfair... kind nor cruel.. it simply the energy that allows us to exist... it makes no judgements but whenever we stop for a moment and recognize wat a miracle our existence is.. life somehow takes note.. if we can summon a little gratitude it becomes even happier or rather we do.. wen we judge life to be worth living we fill uo with joy and wen we feel so much enthusiasm, magic vanishes faster.. life starts to cripple.. sometimes we dont know wer life takes us.. wether we choose the long road or the short one....

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