Volatile

Written form of my random thoughts

[mienda]

About last year: a glimpse of us?

Ok since I have been spending three weeks at home and am running out of ideas what to do, here’s another blabber.

2019 was quite a surprise. Never thought that I finally arrived at this stage of life. I am quite used to attend friends’ and relatives’ wedding and sometimes a fleeting thought crossed my mind, “maybe one day I’d be doing so but yeah, still a long long long way to go” so I got no worries at all. But when I ended up sitting on the akad chair with a stranger next to me, whoa, I realized the decision I took was huge.

Well he was not completely a stranger. We have known each other since 2011 and were “in a relationship” status in 2012. Scroll this tumblr page and there’ll be some cheesy posts about us years ago. Any idea about ending up together for life? Nah at first. But turns out that seven years of togetherness have taught us how to put ourselves in each others’ shoes (although it was often too late to be realized that we kept arguing before doing so), revealed our true selves and eventually, made us learned to accept each other. And after going through lots of fights, arguments, boredom, opposite thoughts, lowest point of one’s condition, breakups and comebacks, parents’ rejection (HAHA) we always run back...to each other.

We are completely different in many ways but I’m glad we could still keep things afloat (though the latest free personality test showed the only difference was the E & I thingy and the rest are identical, we can trust it, no?!). And just like the past 7 years, the road ahead might be bumpy but let’s work on it and enjoy the ride like we did. We’re gonna make another 7 year times infinity.

And in the end, I love you. I’ll see you right after this pandemic ends.

[mienda]

Gimana nanti

Dari dulu kalau masalah hubungan, motonya selalu “jalanin aja dulu” dan “gimana nanti”. Kalau ditanya “lanjut ke tahap lebih serius ga?” jawabannya “gatau, gimana nanti”. “Udah yakin belom?” “gatau, jalanin aja dulu”. “Sampe nikah gak nih?” “gatau gimana nanti, jalanin aja dulu kalo nikah alhamdulillah kalo enggak ya bukan jodoh”. Tujuh tahun jawabannya gitu aja terus. Sampai suatu hari ditanya dalam sebuah wawancara penempatan, “kalau kamu ditempatin di Bontang calon kamu gimana?” “eee... gatau Pak, gimana nanti”.

Gimana nanti alias belum kepikiran, karena males berpikir akhirnya jalanin aja dulu :)

Seminggu setelah wawancara tiba-tiba ditaro di Bontang, kemudian resmi akan lanjut ke tahap yang lebih serius, 9 bulan berlalu dan sekarang tinggal hitungan hari tapi posisi masih di Bontang sampai entah kapan...Lalu orang-orang pun mulai kepo “gimana nanti abis hari H? LDM?”. Masa jawabannya mau “gatau gimana nanti” dan “jalanin aja dulu” lagi...

Duh, maaf ya Pak Calon. Terima kasih sudah sabar menanti. 

[kurniawangunadi]

Krisis

Kalau kita melihat media sosial, begitu banyak orang yang membahas soal Quarter Life Crisis beserta isunya. Mulai dari karir, sandwich generation, dsb. Banyak, dan pasti memang banyak di antara kita yang tidak pernah terbayang sama sekali; tidak bisa memahaminya, bingung ketika menyadari kalau dirinya adalah sandwich generation, resah karena karirnya disetir oleh orang tua, dan semua kegelisahannya.

Di antara kita ada yang sedang berjuang dengan pendapatan 300ribu sebulan. Di media sosial, kita melihat orang lain yang seusia kita pendapatannya sudah di angka 30 juta per bulan. 

Kita bahkan tidak tahu dimana yang keliru. Apakah ikhtiar ini kurang? Dan juga sebenarnya kita tahu dimana letak masalah-masalahnya. Dari mulai bidang pekerjaan, orang tua yang tidak mengizinkan kita merantau, lingkaran pertemanan yang serupa, dan mungkin ada yang juga mengaitkan ke almamaternya, “ah dia kan lulusan ITB, lha ku…”.

Beberapa di antara kita juga ada yang sedang berjibaku, bekerja keras untuk ikut serta membantu ekonomi keluarganya. Menopang adik yang masih sekolah, ikut jungkir balik membayar cicilan hutang orang tua, dsb. Kita tidak tahu caranya menabung, sebab semua pendapatan selalu habis tak bersisa. Bahkan kadang kurang.

Memang, kita semua tidak pernah memiliki hidup yang ideal. Selalu ada letak ujiannya. Bahkan pada orang-orang yang kita kira selesai semua urusannya, mereka tetap memiliki ujiannya. Hanya saja, kita tidak tahu.

Tidak apa-apa, tidak apa-apa dengan kondisi kita saat ini. Yang sedang galau karena gaji dibawah rata-rata, galau karena karir kita tertahan izin orang tua, galau karena bingung bagaimana menyiapkan masa depannya sebab kita ikut menanggung hutang dan biaya hidup keluarga. 

Ujian kita tidak sama, maka jawabannya tentu tidak sama. 

Hanya satu hal yang ingin ku bisikan lirih kepadamu. “Jangan kalah oleh keadaan, menangkan!”

©kurniawangunadi

[mienda]

Untuk si penakut

Untuk kamu, yg selalu ketakutan dan panik akan hal-hal yang belum kejadian.

Untuk kamu, yg akhir-akhir ini mata dan bibirnya suka bengkak, dan kulitnya suka gatal-gatal tanpa sebab.

Untuk kamu, yg bosan duduk dalam ruangan petak tanpa bicara, tanpa teman.

Kamu, yg mukanya semakin keling dan katanya semakin kurus.

Kamu, yg takut gak bisa pulang, yg takut di rumah sendiri, yg takut menjalani hidup di tempat terpencil sendiri dengan tanggung jawab besar padahal lagi-lagi, belum kejadian...

Iya kamu, kamu yg banyak takutnya

Kamu, yg akhir-akhir ini sedang takut melangkah lebih jauh bersama orang asing dan segala urusan menuju kesana.

Hidup masih panjang,

Jangan mati cuma segini

Mari kita berbahagia.

[mienda]

Pagi

[mienda]

Living with Lulu part 2

Have just realized that long before I posted something about Lulu here, I already had a draft which talks about Lulu too! So rather than keeping it in the draft folder, I decide to just share it to you~ (though no one is probably reading this ha but who cares)

P.S. Lulu, you are so lovable that I make two posts about you!

By March 30 2017, I had a new life companion.

Her name is Lulu.

Lulu is living inside my body.

Lulu is actually nice if I could treat her right.

But that time I wasn’t being nice at all that I kept pushing myself even though Lulu had turned the alarms on.

Then she got so angry and attacked my cutie platelets.

She was mad that she also forbid me to watch a concert that had been dreamt of for sooo long.

Later she was suppressed by some compounds that varied in taste and the way they were administered, just to avoid her acting that way again.

And to finally keep her sleeping softly.

The good thing about Lulu is she helps me saving money from buying make up.

Because Lulu could make your cheeks blush naturally, just exactly like what blush on does.

And Lulu also helps me protecting myself from direct sunlight.

Which means (hopefully) I could be less darker than before :D

 Though I sometimes feel that Lulu brings less up but more down to my life

(and my closest people as well).

I believe that there are certain good reasons why I am trusted to live with Lulu.

So my dear Lulu,

Because we still have a bunch of unchecked lists, lot of places to go, but less time to spend.

Go have a sweet dream and sleep peacefully.

I am slowing down the pace so you won't be disturbed.

And kindly do not touch the other parts of my body.

Let’s work together and be nice to each other, shall we?

Cheers,

Your (learning to be) sincere host :D

[mienda]

Pulang

Dulu waktu masih sombong, rasanya pengen keluar pergi jauh dari rumah. Jadi anak rantau biar kelihatan mandiri, banyak pengalaman. Biar tambah keren kerjanya di lapangan, pakai coverall sambil ngitung-ngitung.

2017-2018, Tuhan Maha Baik. Dapat kesempatan ke banyak kota, hidup nomaden, ngalahin bang Toyib yang gak pulang-pulang. Meski di tahun yang sama akhirnya sadar kalau pakai coverall ternyata gak bagus karena kegedean, kerja lapangan itu panas & capek, dan ngitung-ngitung itu lumayan bikin pusing. Plus kadang, meski ada banyak orang, gak ada yg bisa mensupport layaknya orang-orang terdekat. Dan ini yang bikin rindu, rindu akan rumah dan mereka yang bisa dijadikan "rumah".

Tapi, karena seperti kata quote pada umumnya kalau life must go on, jd yoweslah kita jalani saja hidup ini. Demi hidup yg lebih independen, jalanan tanpa macet, kicauan burung tiap pagi, binatang-binatang unik yg bisa dilihat tanpa harus ke kebun binatang, langit Bontang yg selalu biru, dan banyak hal lain yg masih bisa disyukuri, cheers untuk tahun dan kehidupan baru! Dengan resolusi, gak sering pengen pulang dan lebih mensyukuri hidup.

Jadi rumah, tunggu aku pulang nanti ya--kalo udah dapet cuti!

[mienda]

My friend, L

Have i ever told you that i've got a new friend?

She came in the 3rd month of 2017 when I was getting ready to have fun in a concert that had been long, long awaited. But back then she forced me not to leave. Not so many people know that she's with me but those who know, we call her Lulu.

Once Lulu pissed me off, made me frustated and sad at the same time because she asked too much attention -- she wasn’t and wouldn’t allow me to do anything I wanted to do either. 

I was mad at her so much. Why did she have to come to my life?

People said it was because i didn't care of myself. When that happened, Lulu hit me hard and slapped me in the face. “Lulu, you know that way is too harsh, don't you?”. 

 But then she might say, "because if i don't, you wouldn't listen, would you?". And I admitted she was right.

Now we're trying to become good friends. I try to understand every little sign she gives me when she thinks I don't treat myself well enough. And I'm sure she's also trying to keep reminding me softly -- I only need to notice.

So my dear Lulu, 

Promise me to stay calm, cause I'll do good. And thank you, for always emphasizing the importance of loving myself

[mienda]

A Stroll Around Melacca

“Travel brings power and love back into your life” - Rumi

[mienda]

Turning Blue

An admired old poet has once ever said, “expectation is the root of all heartache”. Try to google some quotes about expectation, then what's coming up were the relations between heartbreak, disappointment, and expectation. Even the religion itself has stated, “never expect from anyone but God”.

I should have held onto that...

Because not everything that's wanted is what’s exactly needed, not everything that’s been planned is in line with God’s will, and not everything that is considered the best has its’ real side as perfect as it seems. And this, this does not only apply to a ruined plan, unmet goals, unfulfilled wishes, or remaining limited concert tickets that sadly weren’t bought even with hundreds of attempt. Wistfully speaking, this applies to living creatures too, to those who have been well-recognized for years, those, who are at first, thought to be the ones that we spend the remaining years with, those who have left traces so deep in our life.

And as their traces have been rooted, so do the expectations for them -- or foolishly, about me and them. About us. 

Now that the root has firmly grounded along with the hopes, once we realize that it does not stand on where it belongs, removing it up would be totally devastating, notably to the one who’s waiting to see it flourishes as what’s been expected. Then there comes the big hole, an emptiness that makes “the one” turns blue, just like today.

[mienda]

As I grow up...

1. I realize that the time to meet your beloved is getting more and more limited

2. I realize that distance between you and your beloved is a thing that you need to deal with

3. I realize that subjects, tasks, exams, lecturers, laboratories, classrooms, and foolish friends in uni are precious things that you miss a lot

4. I realize that working is more like a routine, no, your life is more like a routine

5. I realize that weekend is precious, moreover when you can go back home and meet your family

6. I realize that moments spent with family are soooooo much precious than they used to be

7. I realize that I sometimes need to put make up on and pick some nice clothes to work

8. I realize that my surrounding, especially the girls, start to get engaged or married. And if they don’t they’d talk a lot about marriage and the urge of having boyfriend at their ages

9. I realize that you have to determine your goal in career to motivate you every time you get up for work

10. I realize that sometimes I feel like growing up and being an adult are sucks

11. I realize that at this age, there will be no source of money when you don’t work

12. I realize that no matter how comfortable you are with a man, dad will always be the best man who never disappoints you

[b-andriyani]

ada satu orang

Aku ingin kau percaya satu hal dari ribuan yang pernah kuceritakan;

ketika hatimu berada pada sudut paling sepi dan tersakiti, ingatlah setidaknya ada satu orang yang melihatmu sebagai seorang luar biasa yang pantas bahagia. ada satu orang yang cara pandangnya kauisi, kaupengaruhi. ia ingin kau berdiri, hey! jangan mati cuman segini.

ada satu orang; aku.

[mienda]

Don’t read because I don’t think we can make it.

One good article on social media that I red tonight told to write diary as one of 27 things to do before settling down, and this might be my first typed-diary since my last written-diary several years ago.

So today was just another ordinary day, nothing was special… I did my morning bath at around 7 then went to the office without breakfast since my dear MT friend had brought me some plain bread to eat, so I had it there with Nutella and a glass of hot milo. I made several revisions on my PPT since it had to be re-reviewed again by my very kind product manager, though finally I found that it was still have to be revised again after the re-reviewing. Had my lunch on a basement of a fancy mall, my friend showed me a photo which I found…normal. Yeah, totally normal and I swore that I didn’t think about anything bad. Well to be honest—since it is my own diary, I’m supposed to talk about everything, even about secret, aren’t I?—there were some sexy pretty skinny girls, maybe around ten, in the photo with a man in the middle of them, all were standing on the side of a beach. Well, to be rude, beach’s bitches~ wkwk (oops! Supposed to write something polite!) I recognized that man, he’s my boyfriend’s friend who works at a cigarette company in western/southern part of west java, or precisely, Sukabumi, and you must have known about what I’ve been thinking about this city and the company. Well, I think a lot actually... so I was teasing my boyfriend by asking whether he had ever done the similar thing like his friend, and I don’t know… I got some kind of panic reaction? Or did I just misunderstand? Well I don’t really care at all at first when he said that he had never taken a photo with the sales promotion girls, he just took a photo with an attractive Butler’s cashier as an accepted challenge from his colleagues. Things popped up in my mind when he said that were: (1) what is Butler? (2) Why all of a sudden we talk about cashier?

So the first thing I asked was what Butler is, and apparently, it was a quite fancy restaurant in the city (you can go search Butler restaurant on google if you really want to…). And secondly, why cashier? Surprisingly, he thought that I saw his photo with the cashier in my friend’s social media group (which is his group too) where he posted his photo with this cashier, and he thought that I thought the cashier was the sales promotion girl—that is why he said he never took a photo with an SPG, because it was a cashier, not an SPG. Not so important, to be honest… don’t really care if that girl was a cashier or SPG or supervisor or doctor or director or housewife or else.  He said that his colleagues challenged him to take selfie with this girl and since my boyfriend well…let’s think positively, really loves challenge, he accepted it. Then he took a selfie with the cashier with a bright face and wide smile. Cool!

This pretty cashier had bright skin and was literally pretty and attractive, no wonder why those men liked to tease her. At the first sight, she looked like Jessica who was suspected pouring cyanide to Mirna’s coffee, yet this cashier was prettier. Well at first I had no problem at all when seeing this, even I burst into laugh because out of nowhere, he told it by himself while I didn’t suspect him about anything.

However, as minutes went by, the woman part of mine started to be reactive and there came the dislike about this photo. Why should he posted it on the group and errrr why that very bright smile?

Well I have to admit that this is totally embarrassing. I really hate when the woman side of mine is awaking because it will make me drown into such unimportant thing and this surely wastes my time, just like today.

Yeah to be precise, I just don’t like the photo. Really (well not so really actually) don’t like it that I don’t want to talk to him for now till the time that still couldn’t be determined or at least till my mood and logic back. Or if I really have to talk, all what I really want to say is “I don’t think we can make it to 4 – 5 years ahead…” though it seems to have no correlation to the photo but I don’t care… that is what I want to say.

This is embarrassing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA hate to have such kind of cheesy and unimportant feeling. Hate to admit that this is some kind of…jealousy? Shit.

I’m done writing diary for tonight.

[mienda]

"Your fun and playful personality keeps you young and youthful. Although you are easy going, you tend to have lower self-confidence and anxiety about specific things in your life. You are usually unorganized; yet don’t even know where to start to help yourself to fix the messy problem. You are a proud individual but you need to learn to love yourself more. You need to take the time to find yourself through self expression. How are you currently expressing yourself to the world? Remember that there are people around you that can help you, but you need to let them know you are willing to receive help. Life is easier when you let people in."

That door fits me best.

[zenpencils]

[mienda]

Life is only about point of view, including luck. See a problem as a problem, then you'll feel unlucky. See a problem as an opportunity to learn something new, you'll feel very lucky.

a friend's status on facebook

[travelingcolors-deactivated2020]

Forest Seasons | Poland (by Erik Witsoe)

"The landscapes here in Poland are something that have completely taken me by surprise and always leaving me wanting more. Stunningly beautiful in every season and I have wandered endless to try and capture the magic that I find throughout the year." (Erik Witsoe)