Lester's Fixins Sweet Corn Soda
I don't know what possessed me to buy this. I don't especially like corn or anything. I guess I was just taken by the novelty of it. The bottle sat on my kitchen floor for weeks, and then in my fridge for more weeks. It migrated to the back of the fridge, then, finally, when cleaning it out, I decided that I'd drink it, just to keep it from cluttering up the shelf.
The label is in John-Deere green-and-yellow, with two ears of corn prominently displayed. A photo of a serious-looking, spectacled bald man - maybe Lester, maybe Dwight Eisenhower - is tucked into a corner. "Y'all get yer fixins!" reads the bottom of the label, a statement which I find conceptually offensive. Tiny particles swish lazily through what appears to be a very viscous, piss-colored liquid.
Words can hardly describe what a terrible mistake opening Lester's Sweet Corn Soda was. This swill was born for the garbage can. I removed the cap and was almost floored by the execrable smell. It flooded my nasal cavities with sweetness and a scent that, though it registers as corn, does not smell like anything in nature. It's terrifyingly sweet and a little sour and supernaturally powerful - almost inescapable, in fact. And indeed, escape is a desire called to mind by this scent.
It took a lot to overcome the stench of this... stuff, but I took a big drink and retched instantly. There is something about this soda that feels wrong, like eating rotting food. Sluggishly carbonated and god-awfully sweet, there is no redeeming value in this bottle. It is very corny, but somehow not like corn at all - and really, upon reflection, I never wanted corn to be cold and carbonated. It morphs slowly in the mouth, from an initial blast of sweetness to a thundering salvo of corn flavor, giving way to more abstract tastes of sourness and heartbreak. Nothing can adequately explain how vile Sweet Corn Soda really is. "Make it stop," I thought, unable to speak. Even having swallowed it, the very air I breathed spread the overpowering, cloying corn flavor into my lungs. It stays in the mouth for much longer than any substance I've tasted.
Some soda sellers online describe Lester's as tasting like a bowl of corn flakes. No, it does not. It does taste like corn on the cob, but carried to an indecent extreme. The other flavor that both I and my co-taster identified in Lester's Sweet Corn Soda was the taste of Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies, which, interestingly, the sodajerks.net review also notes.
I usually fight my way through a whole bottle of the soda I'm reviewing, regardless of how bad it is, but there's no way I'm drinking any more of this. As I balefully glare at the bottle (at a considerable distance, because the smell really travels), the bald man's face now appears to be wearing a wry grin, as though he knew exactly what he had in store for me. The smell makes me physically recoil and the flavor causes me to gasp and scrunch my face. I never want to taste corn again. I hate Lester, and I hate Rocket Fizz for commissioning and selling this inexcusable drink. It's downright irresponsible to release this on an unsuspecting world.
Under no circumstances should you buy this. It is truly foul. Seriously, this is the absolute nadir of food science and one of the worst substances ever intentionally created.