Since today is my birthday, I want to post my confession for once
[Warning : A lot of rant and venting, do not read if you can't stand personal rant]
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I know so well there wasn't anything that last long forever in this world, but goddammit I don't think I can handle myself if every year I had to get to know a bunch of people but in the end, it doesn't matter because I'm just a flow without real existence.
Honestly, nothing major happened to me, my body is still intact, my sense still working, but my brain? It's beyond hopeless, inner peace is just a myth for someone like me.
I handle the worst situation back in 2017 - 2018, but at that time, maybe because I wasn't this old and battered, I can handle it pretty well, but right now, I barely had the energy to interact with anyone in here.
This is the first time I came so close to quitting, ready to leave behind if I don't have a sister who had the same passion as me.
In the end, I'm quitting not because of the environment, but because of time.
Yes, I deliberately stop approaching both in post and messenger because I really did have no energy to interact, I spend any energy I had only to respond to people who contact me.
I'm not avoiding anyone, I literally just had no energy, like, every time I open messenger and want to talk to someone.
There was fear.
I feel restless, anxious, whenever I try to talk to someone.
This reaction stressed me so much, it's messed up my moon cycle. I can't sleep at normal hours because my brain always pumping at certain hours, what can I do? just slam a pile of works so my brain can just shut up.
I don't want to open this beloved account just to see a person I thought I was a friend suddenly shut me out. Man, Can I just want to quit as a social being, why I can't? Why do I have to do it?
I decided to move out from my home next year, because even if one day I finally stop wanting to survive, at least I want to feel what it's like to work and live in a place I yearn before I totally end.
Starting next month, probably I only post things that relate to hobbies, such as cosplay, games, etc. I will no longer post any personal feelings or anything that relates to health.
It's time for me to let go of things I cannot hold anymore.
//Sorry, I can't feel genuine happiness for a long time, especially on my birthday, every time I feel happy, it only takes a second for anyone to ruin my happiness, and right now I even have trust issues with my own feeling.
I don't feel safe when I'm happy because I know the next thing I will feel more depressed quicker than Sonic running on the green hill.
There's nothing I look forward to next year for myself since I know I probably messed up things again, got shunned out again, it's an endless cycle of my life, so I have to bear with it until  I stop breathing.
I don't know how to love myself anymore. It's a good life and I'm satisfied if it ends like this.
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