Mind o Mike

[mikejsmith32]

Hmmm...

[mikejsmith32]

Wait, I'm confused... I thought this was the Smith family's reaction to After Earth. 

[mikejsmith32]

"I was at a casino, I was standing by the door and a security guard came over and said, 'You're going to have to move. You're blocking the fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

Mitch Hedberg

[mikejsmith32]

Lana: "You're looking for Predator, aren't you?"

Archer: "Yes."

Lana: [Sighs] "Couple things. A, he's invisible."

Archer: "Not totally. He has a telltale shimmer."

[mikejsmith32]

"I got 99 problems and this sip is one!" 

[mikejsmith32]

[Mac easily pulls out Charlie's tooth with pliers.]

Mac: Wait... that just kinda came out on its own. 

Charlie: Yeah, that slipped right out, huh.

Mac: I barely pulled that... I barely pulled it. 

Charlie: Whoa. [Easily pulls out another tooth.]

Mac: What? Damn dude-- 

Charlie: That's another.

Mac: Man, you should really brush your teeth more because that is not normal.

Charlie: [pulls out another tooth, yelps]

Mac: Oh! Charlie, stop pulling your teeth out like that. 

Charlie: They're just coming right out.   

Mac: You're freaking me out.

Charlie: They, like, slip right out. 

Mac: It's really freaking me out. 

[mikejsmith32]

Libertarians, you need to do a better job of introducing your candidate to the rest of the nation because for a minute, I thought you were nominating a marionette.

[mikejsmith32]

If his name is Nicholas Brody, why does his wife call him Brody, and not Nick?  

[mikejsmith32]

Yes. This happened.

[mikejsmith32]

If you're ever looking for a drinking game to play, just watch an episode of The Walking Dead from the first two seasons and drink every time Shane makes this face. 

[mikejsmith32]

[mikejsmith32]

Why is it that when Jacqui says, "I'm staying" everyone is pretty much like, "Okay, peace out"? But when Andrea says she is staying too, Dale is like, "Then, I'm staying." 

I'm looking at you, T-Dog!

[mikejsmith32]

"Why is the door open?"

[mikejsmith32]

Sean Payton's Appeal

Payton: A year without pay?!?! C'mon!

Goodell: I think it's fair.

Payton: C'mon.

Goodell: .......

Payton: C'mon.

Goodell: .......

Payton: C'mon.

Goodell: .......

Payton: C'mon.

Goodell: .......

Payton: C'mon.

Goodell: .......

Payton: C'mon.

Goodell: .......

[mikejsmith32]

Lily: Wait, when you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blonde boy? 

Barney: No, I root for the scrawny, loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate. When I watch the Karate Kid I root for the karate kid, Johhny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai Dojo. Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

[mikejsmith32]

Blake: What's a 401k?

Anders: I'm glad you asked. Basically, it's a retirement plan so you can--

Blake: Oh, no. Nevermind. I totally thought it was a laser.

[mikejsmith32]

Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

Balki Bartokomous