I go to university because I wanted to
I study because I wanted to
Not because I have to, hell, I could quit right here and now if I wanted to, but I don't
I have a tendency to feel like school is an obligation. After graduating high school, a place where school really does feel like an obligation, I faced university with the same mentality as high school
I mean, I still chose this study because I like it the most, but I'm way more focused on getting assignments and projects done because they have to be,
and I forget that I should instead focus on what I'm actually doing in those assignments and projects, and what I'm learning
Like all students, my days are packed with stuff to do, to plan and to organise for school. As a neurodivergent individual, who gets easily stressed and overwhelmed regarding school, I quickly lose sight on why I'm doing things.
Now that I think about it, it makes me sad.
I spent all these past months, this past school year, worrying my ass off whether or not I was gonna pass the subjects, or even pass the year.
Will I make this deadline? Will I get a good grade? Will I this, will I that.
Not a single thought went out to "wow, this is interesting! I'm enjoying what I'm working on right now, and I would like to learn more!"
It's frustrating too, because I don't know whether it's my own fault completely or if it's also partially thanks to the school's system.
I don't know how to change it, because I know I won't stop being a worry wart, and I won't stop trying to be the best and get the best grades.
It's always just "god, I wish I was home right now" or "man I really want to go home, I'm tired." Always wishing the day would pass by.
I can never tell whether that is a common thought, or a sign that this study isn't right for me.
I think I need a talk with my therapist
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