See, The Sun Is Shining

A blog now dedicated to my post college life. Welcome to it! To return to my home screen, click the winter trees. Other Pages Listed Below:

[mileageundermyeyelids]

She’s Here.

She’s here.

She’s been here for more than 3 hours. I have been in my room for 3 hours.

I want to get out.

I’m too nervous to leave.

Not ready to face her. It’s bad enough I can hear her voice when itunes is between songs.

I don’t know what it is, but something is holding me back. Something...Why does this bother me? And then I have the sudden urge to start dating. 

I know I’m not ready to start dating. I want to wait. I want to focus on me.

I want to get out my room. I want the option to go into the living room. 

I want to know why I’m so nervous to see her.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

Therapy: One Week Update

So, it’s been one week (therapy is Mon-Fri) of online therapy for me. I’m still not 100% sure if this will work better for me than in-person therapy, but I’m okay with it so far.

My therapist is nice. Right now we’re definitely still in the stage where she’s trying to get to know me and understand the problems I want to focus on right now.

I’m still really sad, but I’m taking this a step at a time. Like she said, it’s difficult now but I will move on.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

Therapy Step One: Pour Your Heart Out

Well, I did it.

I started the free trial and spilled my guts through paragraphs and paragraphs of my life and the current shitting situation that I’m in.

We’ll see how this goes.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

Therapy: What I Need

So, have you heard of 7 Cups of Tea? I found out about this site from Tumblr a few years back, but I didn’t use it as much. It’s definitely evolved since then, and there’s now the ability to talk to a licensed therapist through online messages. 

It looks like something that might me useful for me. I’m not good with communicating my feelings verbally. I prefer to write and send my thoughts, be able to read over what I said before I send them, give myself time to think things through. 

It’s also cheaper. I think $150 a week and your therapist will respond back to your message 1-2 times a day. I prefer doing something like this rather than $70-150 for an hour session where I stumble over my thoughts and words, not really getting what I want across to my therapist.

The first 3 days are free so you can see if you like it or not. I think I will give it a shot. I have to think of something because now I don’t feel right talking to my coworker about things. She told me how her other friends make her feel like she’s doing counseling sessions, and I don’t want to be a burden to her, or make her feel like she has to help solve my problems.

And while I told my other friend what’s going on, I feel like I’m bringing her down because she’s questioning her relationship with her boyfriend and seeing how they may have similar issues to what me and my ex had. And I don’t want to poison that relationship.

So, I’m back to having no one again.

Hopefully this online therapy will work.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

She Came Over

When I got home last night, the ex asked if it was okay if his girlfriend came over tomorrow (meaning today). I was honestly shocked. It was just a couple days ago that he was telling me she wasn’t comfortable with this whole situation of me being here. Now she’s willing to come over?

I’m not comfortable with it.

But of course, I said okay.

How can I not? He lives here too. He should be able to bring whoever he wants. And I don’t have the right to say no. We’re not together. We’re not going to get back together. It’s not right for me to hold him back or sabotage his relationships. Those are not my intentions.

But I’m still sad. I’m still angry. I’m still frustrated and confused and hurt and so many other emotions.

She came over, but it was while I was working. I guess they spent the whole day together, and she left when I was on my way home. He dropped her off, but I thought they were out for dinner or something. So I locked myself in my room for 2+ hours for nothing.

...

He’s realizing something is wrong. But I just can’t talk to him. I can’t talk about this with him. What would I say?

I’m feeling conflicted about your girlfriend coming over because it hurts me. I can’t describe how or why. Possibly knowing that you went from barely talking to anyone online to being in another relationship in less than two weeks. And I’m wondering when I’ll have to come face-to-face with her, and I’d rather hide out in my room and starve then come out and have to say hello because I’m afraid I’ll start crying, or worse, that I’ll have to pretend to be okay and hold back any tears. And I’m regretting us living together after the breakup because I honestly thought I’d have a little more time to move on before you started looking for new people. And that at the same time, I’m not surprised that you found someone else because it was super clear how important sex was to you, and now you’ve found someone who you like and who wants to have sex. It’s clear we were never going to make anything work between us. And I’m pissed off that you can’t even see that you’re hurting me, but at the same time, it shouldn’t matter, right? I’m just an ex now. We’re friends, but we’ve barely talked since you met this girl. And I’m feeling all alone and I can’t talk to anyone about it because everyone is dealing with their own shit and I’m better and hiding what’s wrong with me and helping them than they are for me. And I can’t see myself finding someone who will want the kind of relationship I want, and I’m afraid I’ll die alone. And all these thoughts are going over and over in my head while you talk about your new girlfriend and getting a text from you saying you’ll be staying at her place or that you’re going to her place again...and and and and

I can see it now. He’ll feel guilty about the whole thing. He won’t know what to do. He may even tear up a little. But it won’t help. It will just make things awkward.

So, I have to figure out a way to deal with this. 

I’m not okay, but I will be. 

It will just take time.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

They’re A Couple Now

It’s been a little over two months.

He’s officially dating this one girl. They’re a couple now.

I am happy for him, I really am.

But I also feel like crying. 

It doesn’t help that he asks for advice.

It doesn’t help that he says he wants to make sure we’re okay.

I knew we couldn’t work out for the long term.

It still hurts.

I still feel lonely. 

I still feel sad he’s gone.

Why was it so easy for him to move on?

Why can’t I do that?

How long do I have to pretend I’m okay?

[mileageundermyeyelids]

Clarity

I’m not upset that he’s dating. I’m happy that he’s looking for someone else.

I’m sad because he seemed so ready to do so. Like, two and half years was nothing.

****

He just left to see her again. Again, I’m not upset. I’m just trying to get used to this. I want to make sure he’s comfortable. And I want her to be comfortable. I don’t want her to be afraid that I’ll try to rope him back in, because those are not my intentions.

I hope things work out for him.

And I hope that I can learn a new routine.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

I’m Not Handling This Well

I thought I could handle this better, but I’m not. Even though he doesn’t give me a details on his dates, he wants to talk about them.

And I understand. We’re supposed to be friends. 

But it hurts me more than I thought it would. We dated for two and a half years, and he starts looking for dates not even a month after we break up. He went on a date this week.

Actually, he went on three. Two with the same girl.

I’m 100% sure they were intimate because of what he told me (and didn’t tell me), and the fact that he went to see her Friday night and didn’t get back until Saturday afternoon.

I was invited to his sister’s Halloween party Saturday, and I went.

But man did I feel awkward knowing that his two siblings knew we broke up, and that he’s already looking for someone new (I don’t know if they know he went out this week). 

He kept making comments that he was tired. And it’s obvious to me why he was tired.

He wants to talk about the long date with me, but I honestly don’t want to hear it.

My pseudo-aunt told me yesterday that I’m just torturing myself. That we shouldn’t have lived together after the break up. That I should get a second job now so I can save up to get my own place next year.

At this point, I’m thinking she may be right.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

Discovering Myself Pt.1 : My Love Language

So, I’ve been doing some reading. Have any of you heard of: 

This book in particular is about couples, but the author has written one for singles. Anyway, I’ve looked into this before. Basically, there are 5 ways you wish to receive/give affection. From what I’ve read (and if anyone has read it and thinks I’m interperting it wrong, please tell me!), most people want and give the same type of language. There are those who give and wish to receive different things, but it’s not as common.

So, years ago, I had taken it and this was what I had found, from my primary language down:

* Physical Touch * Quality Time * Acts of Service * Words of Affirmation * Receiving Gifts

When I was dating my boyfriend, according to this, we were perfect. His love languages were in a similar arrangement. However, after noticing that I was having trouble being physical with him, after spending two and a half years dating and a little over a year living together, I started noticing that we didn’t seem as aligned anymore. I was getting frustrated with him, I was pulling away.

Last week, I took the quiz again and these were my results:

*Acts of Service *Quality Time *Words of Affirmation *Physical Touch *Receiving Gifts

For the latest quiz, I took both the In a Relationship and Single quizzes. The results, while slightly different numbers, were the same.

So, I have to wonder: Did my recent relationship change the type of love I wish to give/receive or did it show me what I really am since the first time I took the quiz, I had never been in a relationship...

I’m not sure which is correct, but what I do know is that I feel the results are correct now. And they apply to not just romantic relationships, but any sort of relationship in my life. And it’s why I’m realizing I’m still frustrated with my ex/now roommate. We’re still not on a similar page as friends. I feel like I’m doing a lot of things by myself, that he doesn’t pitch in, that he doesn’t care.

For example, I just cleaned our apartment (kitchen, bathroom, most of the living room) while he was playing a video game. We’ve been here for a few weeks now and it was high time we did some cleaning. I was actually waiting him out to see if he would volunteer we both do something, or if he would even do something on his own. Nothing. So, I did it myself. He knew I was doing this because he asked if I was finished with the bathroom because he needed to go. He hasn’t even said a measly thank you for doing the chores.

And, we may have a leak in our laundry room. He told me and I had made the suggestion that “he” wipes the water up and we use the washer one more time to see if it’s us or someone else. He didn’t have anything to wash, so I was going to do some of mine. I saw him grab a towel before I said I’d wash my clothes. After separtating my clothes to make a load, I go into the laundry room and the puddle is still there. I asked, to be sure, if he had wiped it up and if this was new water. Nope, he didn’t touch it. Apparently, after I said I was going to wash, he didn’t need to clean up the water.

For a split second, I wanted to cry (and now I’m barely holding it in now as I write). Why won’t he help me? I just cleaned everything else in the apartment. While yes, you didn’t actually spill water on the floor, it happened with your clothes. You couldn’t get it up? I have to send the message to maintenance? I have to do everything?

These were feelings I had when we were together, but I never told him. I know one of my faults is not communicating what I’m feeling. It’s always been like that. I’m better on something like this, a blog that I figure won’t be read. 

And he’s back on the game. And I’m here complaining and not saying anything about it. I’m just pathetic.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

Still Adjusting

Maybe it’s the heat right now. Maybe it’s the headache but...

I feel lonely and I keep getting the urge to start online dating. 

I know it’s too soon. I know I want to focus on me right now, but the urge is there.

Maybe it’s because only a couple of people know we’ve broken up, and most of them I can’t really talk to right now (for numerous reasons). 

One person I want to tell, I don’t want to poo-poo all over her happy feelings of beginning her own relationship. She doesn’t need me to be a debbie-downer.

Another person I want to tell, he can’t be serious, and I really don’t want to hear jokes right now. 

A person who could probably understand...whenever we talk about anything serious, it’s always about them. I don’t think I could really tell my story with them.

Am I lonely because I’m single now? Am I lonely because I’m recognizing that I don’t have many friends I can talk to about anything, whenever I need to? 

Probably both.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

Yesterday Was Bad

Yesterday wasn’t a great day for him. He was very depressed, wanting to drink himself to sleep. He’s afraid he’ll end up alone. He doesn’t think anyone likes him. He’s getting frustrated with online dating and thinks it’s because more shallow and appearance-based (the whole swipe left/right trend).

I tried to help. I gave suggestions for tweaking his profile, trying IRL dating events, going to casual things to meet people who share similar interests, taking a break from online dating…

I don’t know if I was helping.

I got him to not drink himself to sleep, so I had to be doing something right, right? I stayed with him. Even though we weren’t talking, I stayed in the room so he knew he wasn’t alone.

I tried to get him to make decisions on other things: dinner, what to watch while we ate. At first, he didn’t have opinions. So I would narrow things down to two and have him pick from there. I hope this was the right thing.

Watching the shows on netflix may have helped. It obviously didn’t “cure” his depression. But it got his mind of things. It got him to smile.

That’s all I really want.

(But, I also…I also want to say it hurts. It hurts that he started looking for someone else a week after we broke up. It hurts to see him depressed and know you’re a cause to it. It hurts that we still haven’t told anyone in his family. I don’t know what to say to them, how to react. It hurts knowing that they’ll probably stop talking to me. It hurts that it may have been better if we lived separately because I don’t think either of us can heal properly.

But I won’t say anything.)

[the-pink-posse]

[kingdom-spades]

I don’t know, will she?

[grainadloafs-deactivated2021101]

Reblogging again for that comment ^^^ 

[dailystrangerthings]

Stranger Things Season 2 - Promo Posters

[dailypotter]

King’s Cross station today, the 1st September 2017

[fionagoddess]

[mileageundermyeyelids]

I hope things get easier. Today wasn’t so bad. Just taking it one day at a time I suppose. I do wish I could talk to someone though. They only person who knows we broke up is my mom and his best friend. 

My mom has enough going on in her life. She doesn’t need my pitiful situation.

[mileageundermyeyelids]

Even though he’s in the room with me, I miss him.