Unspoken Words | Unrevealed Feelings

always the second best • book lover • frustrated chef • aspiring photographer • frustrated calligrapher • dreamer • wanderlust •

[milesandmaybe]

maybe, just maybe, again

photo credits to him :)

So… I mentioned it might be the last time I wrote about them here. This is the next installment, lol. I’m so hesitant to write about him, I mean, after ... But I guess I’ve made peace with that. I’m not sure if being on the same medication builds this kind of invisible string, lol. Three months felt like a year, honestly, and I’m not sure if that’s normal. The ups and downs I felt were crazy. I wanted to write about it from the beginning, but I wasn’t sure if this was the right platform to do that. But anyway, here’s something I can write. So, this job is the most unique one I’ve had. Not because it’s extraordinary, but because it sometimes feels unreal, or maybe I’m just not used to it. Yesterday, on 4/21, my 4/22, we were talking on the phone while he was doing his daily walk. We’ve not been on video calls for a while now, so yesterday was unexpected. I’m thankful for the cute snail he came across, the koi pond, and the pretty clouds in LA. He turned on his camera and showed them. Of course, it was his face I saw first, and it’s crazy that it felt like the first time I saw him. It sounds over the top, but yeah, I was stunned. The snail was cute, the koi pond was beautiful, and LA’s clouds and landscape that day were picturesque. It was a productive call, I would say. I hope it was on his end, too, haha. I asked him if he could snap a photo for me, and he did. I honestly wanted to paint them. I just couldn’t. I mean, I can’t find the courage to do so, which is sad. I decided I won’t resign or leave yet. Not because he took photos! Because I remember that he believed in me when I was so close to accepting rejection. So, I decided to stay until he says he no longer wants to work with me.

photo credits to him :)

I can still vividly remember how beautiful his smile is, how pretty his eyes are, and the haircut, I think, that suits him well, even when he is wearing a cap. Like what I hope for most people in my life, I’ll pray for his happiness and clarity, and that he never makes himself small or compromises too much, because he deserves genuine love, care, and happiness. He has helped me in ways that sometimes seem invisible, but have a big impact on my life and perspective. And I appreciate everything. I hope he knows that. Although I’ve always wondered if I am, or ever was, a help to him, I can’t bring myself to ask. I hope I find the courage before it’s too late.

Until then,

M

his 4.21.2026 | her 4.22.2026

[milesandmaybe]

for the last time, maybe

Today, let me write about them for the last time here. Maybe, just maybe, he inspired me to write about my dreams, about my feelings, or maybe there’s something in me that wanted these writings to reach them on their own. And maybe, just maybe, it was me processing all the feelings one at a time.

So let’s write about him first.

I’ve always wanted to dream about my uncle since he passed away, but surprisingly, I didn’t dream about him. I dreamt about him, the guy I once thought was my one and only lol, the one I finally had closure with last November 2025.

In the dream, he was always beside me, traveling to Manila, meeting my friends, and celebrating my birthday. It was so vivid that I remember how he smiled at me and at the people I love. It didn’t make my heart race. It made me wonder why, but not in a way to dwell on or overthink, not in a way that made me anxious.

But why do I write about him here? Maybe because it’s nice to feel comfort when you’re grieving. It was nice to see a familiar face. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s about having the person you once wished for, even if only in a vivid dream.

We are no longer in communication, and I don’t feel hurt. If anything, I feel relieved. It feels like the chapter is finally closed. A decade or so in the making, worth every tear? I’m not sure, lol.

I’ll end it here. I can’t think of words to write, maybe because I’ve run out of them, like how I’ve run out of feelings.

M

04.22.2026

[milesandmaybe]

9 days have gone by so fast after losing a loved one. 9 days, and yet I still feel like I haven’t cried enough.

I don’t know, but I feel like just minding my feelings. If this is selfish, then so be it.

[milesandmaybe]

I’m not sure if it was me, my MDD with anxious distress, or the medication.

I feel like I haven’t cried enough, and yet the tears won’t fall. I want to get angry and blame someone for what I am feeling right now. The Lord? The universe? I don’t know.

I feel so restless. What do I do? Can I just sleep forever and feel nothing?

[milesandmaybe]

And just like that, April took someone away from me again.

[milesandmaybe]

Today is Lola’s birthday. A few days from now, it’s Papa’s death anniversary and his birthday.

Now, a loved one is fighting to stay with us. A week in the hospital, and it seems like we’re not getting the results we want. And I can’t even pick up my phone and call because I’m afraid I’ll just cry.

April, why are you always like this? Why do I have to feel such big emotions every April while I’m still breathing?

It feels like I don’t have the right to process my emotions one moment at a time.

Do I really deserve to be happy?

[milesandmaybe]

Today, I confirmed that it wasn’t a maybe anymore. It’s back, recurring, with things we didn’t expect.

[milesandmaybe]

every feeling, all at once

trigger warning: mention of self-harm

Today wasn’t a maybe. Not what I feel about him, but what I feel about anything lately. It’s like words finally came before my eyes closed to sleep, or so I thought. I fell asleep in the middle of writing this. Lol.

I’m not sure if this means I’m back to square one, if it’s lighter, or not. But one thing I know is that it might have been triggered by the feeling of being an option and the uncertainty of things in this world.

Do you know why it’s sadder than before? Because it involves people who said the right things but did the opposite, and things that I learned to love.

This time, I don’t have any harmful thoughts, but my mind keeps running. It either lets me sleep, or it won’t allow me to at all.

I’m tired of not getting the usual sleep. I’m tired of not being productive or fueled the way I was a month ago. I’m tired of conversations in general. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like checking on people and things the way I used to, and I don’t feel sorry for it.

It makes me feel nothing. You’re annoyed that I reply shortly? I don’t care. Angry at me for something I did? I don’t care. I just don’t care, and the only thing I care about is what I’m feeling.

Is it bad? I’m not sure, but I’m not sorry.

I’m not crying while I write this. That’s unusual.

Am I drained? Feeling empty? Or did my empathy just walk out on me?

I just hope it ends.

I’m tired.

If you're in the Philippines, you can contact:

NCMH Crisis Hotline

📞 1553 (landline)

📞 0966-351-4518

📞 0917-899-8727

They’re confidential and free.

M

[milesandmaybe]

So today wasn’t a maybe. It hurts to see him frustrated and hurt, but I’m proud he was led to something that makes him stand out. Either way, he doesn’t deserve that. Maybe this is just empathy.

But why does it hurt like this, enough to make my tears fall?

His 3.2.2026, Her 3.3.2026

[remanence-of-love]

[milesandmaybe]

How do you say you were hurt to people who are hurting? Do you say it like you don’t know what they’re going through? Do you say it gently when you know, for a fact, that whatever tone you use, they will interpret it the way they want? Or do you just write it off, let it go, and keep in mind where you stand in their lives?

Maybe, just maybe, the latter. We don’t overinterpret their words, even if it hurts us, because there might be a different meaning. It’s not being a masochist. It’s being realistic. It’s giving them the benefit of the doubt.

[milesandmaybe]

Maybe, just maybe, people feel it: the change, the pain, the silence. They just keep it, for whatever reason they have, mostly thinking it will save the relationship.

[vexheart]

[milesandmaybe]

🙃

[milesandmaybe]

Last for today:

What kind of feeling is this? My thoughts keep running, my heart is racing, and tears are at the edge.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope it’s just me overthinking. I don’t want to walk on eggshells for God knows how long.

It’s better if I’m wrong. 🙃

[milesandmaybe]

It’s funny how I can write my real feelings, yet they only land the way others choose to interpret them, labeling them as something that might not even be the context.

[milesandmaybe]

Never again.

Two words, yet they strike whether you received them or gave them. They leave a pang.

But quietly, you have to choose them. It is gentler than staying in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Gentler than being with people you thought understood you.

But most importantly, I should know better. I should ask, even when it is hard, rather than putting words in their mouth and hurt myself

[milesandmaybe]

It has to stay coded, discreet. Yet somehow, words and actions betray me in ways I didn’t expect. Emojis turn special. “How are you?” feels warm. “Soon” and “later” become something to look forward to.

2 . 17 . 2026