A/N: A little drabble I wrote a while back so it's a lot shorter (and more janky) than the stuff I usually write. From the vault.
It had been pretty rough for you the last few weeks, with all the stress that came along with being an idol, sleep was the least of your worries, so it didn't really surprise Sana when she saw how tired you looked lately. She didn't think of that too much, she was worried, of course, but she knew that sacrifices need to be made when being an idol. What worried her the most was how sad you were looking.
During comeback season, she would usually see you excited and giddy, but you've been really down in the dumps lately even when you and your group won during award shows. Oftentimes she would see your members quietly comforting you, giving you reassuring hugs or rubbing your back whenever you were deep in thought. She knew there was something wrong, and you just weren't telling her.
You weren't the ball of sunshine she knew and loved. You may be able to fake your happiness, but your eyes have never lied. She knew you too well.
Sana knew that your group was finishing up promotions and that you were going on hiatus pretty soon, so she thought of a plan to cheer you up. She was excited to finally be able to spend time with you, even if it would only be for a few days since they had their own promotions.
But seeing you right now, Sana cursed herself for not being there for you sooner. All of you were at an award show, with all of the most famous groups and idols present. After the cameras stopped rolling, you broke down in front of your members and they all engulfed you in a hug while Sana observed you from afar. She wanted to go to you, but she knew people were starting to catch on, so she just watched as your members tried their best to cheer you up as you said endless apologies to them.
As the award show wrapped up, Sana decided that she couldn't wait any longer and that she needed to see you as soon as possible. She asked Jihyo to cover for her while she visited you at your dorms and luckily her leader agreed.
Sana then wore dark and thick clothes to hide her features. She made her way to your dorm using one of the company's cars after asking her manager and before she knew it, she was outside your dorm's door.
She knocked on the door and your group's maknae, Jieun, is the one who greeted her. "Sana-sunbaenim! Hey!"
"Good evening, Jieunnie!" Sana greeted with a smile. "Where is she? Is she okay?"
Before Jieun could speak, your leader, Ga-eun, interrupted. "Sana-san, she's been crying in her room since we came back from the award show. I keep telling her that she didn't do anything wrong, but I guess the negative comments have been getting to her."
"I feel really bad for her. She's worked so hard for this comeback and this is what she gets." Jieun commented with a frown. "I'll take you to her room, Sana unnie."
"Thank you, Jieunnie, Ga-eunnie." Sana stepped inside and greeted your other five members as Jieun led her to your room. Even outside your door, she could already hear your sobbing.
"Good luck, Sana unnie. I hope you can cheer her up." Jieun said before leaving to join your other members.
Sana knocked on your door and waited for your response. "Ga-eun unnie, I love you, but please leave me alone."
"It's me, jagi." Your sobs stopped when you heard Sana's voice coming from the other side of the door. "Can I come in, Y/N?"
Nothing but silence came from you, so Sana was about to speak up again to convince you but you had cut her off. "Okay, jagi."
She opened your door and saw you, back turned against her while you were under the sheets and hugging your pillow. Sana made her way to you and she sat down beside you. "What's wrong, Y/N?"
You didn't answer her, instead you just let out a long sigh and shook your head. Sana let out a sigh of her own as she inched closer to you and gently caressed your back. "Please talk to me, baby. You haven't been yourself lately and I'm really worried about you."
Sana continued, "Jieun told me that you've been getting those comments again. And Ga-eun told me that you've been crying since you got here. What's wrong?"
You thought hard, knowing that it would be unfair to keep secrets from your girlfriend and that she deserved an explanation since she came all this way for you. You got up from your position and faced her. The moment Sana saw your face, she immediately cupped your cheeks and wiped away your tears.
"I guess I'm just disappointed in myself." You confessed, hanging your head and avoiding her eyes. Sana wrapped you in her arms and placed a kiss on your head. "Why would you be disappointed, Y/N?"
"I just... I wish I could have done more for our group. The unnies did their best to plan the visuals of the MV and the maknaes did a lot for the lyrics. The only thing assigned to me was the choreo and I couldn't even do that." You explained while rubbing your arms, attempting to avoid your girlfriend’s gaze as you did, and you hugged yourself tightly. "People hated the choreo. They hated me. I'm so useless, Sana."
"Hey! Don't say that. You're not useless, baby." Sana reassured you, giving you a warm look in an attempt to convince you. "Look, people will say whatever they want to say. They'll hate whatever they can hate. What you did was amazing, love. They may not have been able to see it but your members, the fans, and I appreciate all of it. You did so well, all of you."
You sniffled and wiped away your tears before you looked up at her. "You really think so?"
"Of course, baby. And I'm so, so proud of you." She replied with a smile.
You rolled your eyes playfully and shoved her gently. "Of course you'd say that. You're my girlfriend."
"And my opinion should be one of the most important, if not the most important, L/N Y/N." She retorted playfully and pinched your side.
"Come here you." You said and pulled Sana into your lap. You wrapped your arms around her waist and she wrapped her arms around your neck. "Thank you, jagi. You always know what to say to cheer me up."
"I wanted to cheer you up sooner, but things got a little hectic. I'm just glad that I was able to visit you as soon as I could." Sana explained while she buried her face into the side of your neck, pressing gentle kisses on your skin.
You closed your eyes and rested your head against the headboard. A contented sigh left your lips as Sana continued to trail kisses along your neck and collar. By instinct, you interlaced your fingers with her locks and you tilted your head to the side to give her more access.
"You seem to be enjoying this a little too much, Y/N." Sana joked and that made you laugh. You look at her and you couldn't help but smile. You cupped her cheek and gently stroked it with her thumb. "I love you. You know that, right?"
"That's a little bit obvious, yes." She playfully joked with an eyebrow arched. "What's with the sudden show of affection, huh, Miss L/N Y/N?"
"Nothing, sweetie. I just want you to know how grateful I am to have you. I love you, Sana. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm so lucky to have you." Your sudden sweet words caught Sana off-guard but she couldn't help grin widely and she hugged you tight.
"I love you too, Y/N. I love you so much. And I'm really lucky to have you too." Sana says as she tickles your sides causing you to laugh loudly. She eventually overpowers you and pins you down on the bed, straddling your lap and hands firmly pressed above your head.
You're both a giggling mess as Sana doesn't stop tickling your sides. Your laughter was a melody to Sana's ears, hearing it after so long made her laugh too. She had missed your lovely voice. "Jagi! Sana, stop! I can't breathe!"
Sana stops while you catch your breath and she stares at you for a while. Sweat trickled down your forehead and aftershocks of your laughter still echoed in the room. The dimples near on your cheeks and the corners of your mouth showed vividly, your smile reaching your eyes and Sana couldn't help the flutter in her chest.
When you felt Sana's hand on your cheek, your laughter had halted and you looked at her. The adoration in her eyes sent a flurry of butterflies to your stomach as they sparkled despite your dim room, your mouth agape as you stared at her beautiful features.
"You're doing great, jagi." Sana leaned down to capture your lips in hers before looking at you in the eyes again. "Remember that."
You smiled and nodded. Sana removed her hands that were pinning down your arms and you wrapped your arms around her again, pulling her down beside you on the bed. More laughter emanated from the both of you as you cuddled into Sana. With you nestled under her chin and your head on her chest, you felt your eyelids become heavy as the exhaustion from crying finally reached you.
"Will you be staying here for tonight, jagiya?" You asked sleepily.
You felt Sana nod, her lips momentarily brushing against your cheek and then lingering on the crown of your head. "Yup! Jihyo's covering for me, and my girl needs me. Get some sleep, jagi. I'll be right here when you wake up."
"Okay..." you whispered. "Good night, Sana. I love you."
Sana smiled as she looked down at you. "I love you too, Y/N. Sweet dreams."
actually i'm reblogging this again with commentary, fuck it.
There's people in the notes talking about "not basing your worth off numbers", and like. that isn't what this post is about. It's not a threat, either, it's a comment on how this site works, at a mechanical level.
Likes are worthless. Let me say that again.
Likes. Are. Worthless.
They don't do anything. They're a bookmark. They were never part of how tumblr works - in the early days we didn't even have a like button, and the site still more or less acts as though we don't. They're personal bookmarks and the only people who "get" anything from them are you (you bookmark the post) and the OP (maybe a very slight serotonin boost), but they don't keep the post in circulation, they don't keep it alive.
Without reblogs, a post will be dead in the water within an hour. No matter how good it is, no matter how many hours of painstaking love and attention its creator put into it, it will be dead within an hour and never seen again. It gets pushed down the dashboard and nobody aside from the followers who were online when it was posted will see it.
And there's a huge difference in engagement on posts that get even one lucky reblog from someone with wider reach - that one reblog shows your post to five, ten, fifteen other people, and if one of those people also reblogs it, and so on and so forth, that's how posts stay alive and in circulation.
It's like a contagion, but we're sharing creativity instead of disease.
And that matters. That "lifespan" of the post matters, artists and writers give up on this site and go to sites where posts have longer lifespans because it sucks to spend hours of your life, maybe even days, to get two notes and some fucking pocket lint for your efforts.
We create for ourselves, but we share because we want people to see it, because that engagement offers positive feedback and encouragement to continue.
But more than that, if every post (whether art, fic, gifset, whatever) is dying within an hour or a day of being posted, that means it's not making it onto your dashboard. And if it's not on your dashboard, you won't see it. This kills the site, after a while. You stop seeing the posts, because nobody is putting them on your dashboard, because this site doesn't have an algorithm like twitter and insta's and it shouldn't, it's the last bastion of chronological timelines.
Forgive my giant fucking rant I am so tired right now and full of the plague but like stop acting like artists and writers are just being whiny little babies, or "threatening" to withhold our fucking work (you're not entitled to it! it's ours! if we get nothing out of sharing it we're well within our rights to keep it private!) when we say this site will dry up without reblogs. We're just stating facts.
also I’ve seen some people in the tags say ‘oh there have always been more likes on posts’ no there haven’t ????
these are posts from 2013, look at the ratio
not to sound like a nursing home resident but back then people know that the point of this site was to reblog things and share them, not to bury them away among your other 23k liked posts
#This place is not a place of algorithms...#no highly esteemed influencers are commemorated here...#nothing valued is here.#These practices are dangerous and repulsive to us.#This message is a warning about danger. @sky-ham
Man, you don't have to feel sorry for not being that interactive. You don't have to force yourself into something you're not comfortable with. And plus, give yourself time and slowly ease your way into interacting with your followers. We'll wait~💜
Awww thank you! That's very reassuring. I guess I was just overthinking a lot of things and I just wanted you guys to feel comfortable about approaching me or talking to me. It's really sweet of you to say this :))
Nahhh it's okay to be like that,I can relate to it too honestly
It's completely okay and your privacy matters:]
- biker anon
Okay! That's good to know. And thank you, by the way. I guess I was just a lil insecure seeing other people interacting with each other. I've never really been the best at that.
you know sometimes i feel a lil guilty for not being as interactive with you guys as much as i could and that i dont share much about myself but im still really shy about all this 👉🏻👈🏻
I'm a new reader of yours and I managed to stumble upon your Chaeryeong fic 'Safe and Sound', and man do I actually love you🥺...It hit me way too hard than I actually wanted, especially now that life has been shit and the person I held deeply in my heart just left me when I'm most vulnerable...your fic somehow gave me comfort and maybe, just maybe there's someone out there willing to do that for me as well....keep up the good work man, your writings bring comfort to your readers💜
Hii! I'm so, so glad that my story brought you some comfort. And I'm sorry that you're going through a rough patch right now. I can't begin to imagine how heavy carrying that on your own must be. Thank you for your kind works, I'll do my best to continue making you all happy and comforted through my stories. Also, if you ever need anyone to talk to don't be shy to send me a message, I'm 100% willing to listen to what you say as long as you're okay with sharing.
your recent chaeryeong fic was beautiful ~ can’t wait for more gg angst hehehe
i'm glad you think so! i took a lot of time to make sure i got it right.
i also have a lot of things in the works right now, but with school starting up it's gonna take a while for me to finish them. gonna do all i can to make sure i post on a more regular basis though!
Warnings: deals with abuse, mentions injury, and tackles panic attacks. if any of these bother you or make you uncomfortable, please be weary or avoid this story outright.
A/N: I wrote this on a whim. The idea for this story has been lingering in the back of my mind for the last couple of days now so I decided to just write it. Also, apologies for the hiatus (again) I've been preparing to move out for college.
Falling in love was never the easiest thing to do, considering how naïve and foolish you were. You ate up romance in movies and books like it was your last supper, consuming it like a wildfire through a dry forest, and it always set your standard so high whenever you fell in love. And you fell in love a lot.
It was a simple thing to do, to chase after every single person you’ve fallen in love with and fawn over them like they were your everything. To wait on them and let your entire world revolve around them. The hand holding, kisses, and whispers of sweet nothings were like a routine. You didn’t have to think much about what you did whenever you were with the person you loved. That was the easy part.
What wasn’t easy to do was to pick up the pieces after they broke your heart. Nor was it easy to build yourself back up after every relationship that failed.
The long nights alone crying in your bed as your heart ached was the worst part, you thought. The days where you refused to leave your room because you couldn’t pull yourself together didn’t help either.
But despite all of that, you still chose to love again.
Whether it was your crush in middle school who chose the popular cheerleader over you, or that asshole who stood you up during senior year at highschool prom, or even the jock you gave a chance during freshman year of college— you continued to love as if your heart had never been broken before.
And you guessed that was your downfall.
Because you loved people despite seeing all their flaws.
You loved your crush in middle school even if she did choose that cheerleader over you and you always helped her whenever she was having a hard time with math homework. You loved that asshole who stood you up and even drove him home when he got too drunk to walk. And you loved that jock even when he barely spent any time with you because of how busy he was with training and you even went to every single one of his games.
No matter who it was, or how little their role in your life was, you loved them regardless.
Even when they treated you badly or when they would disregard you, you loved them regardless.
Even when they hurt you or when they took you for granted, you loved them regardless.
Maybe it’s that part of you that allowed you to let your last girlfriend treat you as awful as she did. Maybe it’s that part of you that found it so hard to walk away despite of how many times she cheated on you. And maybe it’s that part of you that never fought back whenever she hurt you during your arguments.
All your life, you just wanted to be loved the way you loved other people.
But no one ever did. And you guess that was the hardest part of moving past everything that hurt you.
When you got out of that relationship with your ex-girlfriend, it felt like your entire world was crumbling right before you as you tried to pick up the pieces of who you once were before you met her. You figured that the injuries and bruises she gave you was the least of your worries. It was the years of emotional manipulation that tore you down and made you question your idea of love. And it made you question your entire identity as well.
Who were you apart from the love drunk fool who keeps searching for the right person to call your own? Who were you apart from the mosaic of broken pieces people left behind whenever they entered and exited your life? And who were you apart from the hopeless romantic who longed to fit in in someone else’s arms?
Honestly, you didn’t know.
All you’ve ever known is the feeling of love and loss, and your constant search for something more to fill in the gap in your heart. All you’ve done is try to find that special someone who’d be able to hug all the broken pieces of you back together.
Without realizing that you couldn’t really love anyone else until you started to love yourself. It would be a long and arduous battle, you knew that, but you weren’t quite prepared to accept all the mistakes and shortcomings you had when it came to taking care of yourself.
It was easy loving other people. But loving yourself? Not so much.
So it took you years. Years to finally be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not have that voice in the back of your head to tell you to look away. Years to finally smile whenever someone took a pretty decent picture of you, seeing all the pretty features of your face instead of the mistakes and flaws that tainted it. And years to finally accept what had happened in your past and to acknowledge that none of it was your fault.
And as you grew up, the more you matured the more you started to love yourself. For a while, you were content with that. And for a while you were okay with being alone.
That was until you met Chaeryeong. And then your entire world turned upside down.
All the doubts and fears in your mind were silenced when you fell in love with her. It felt like a whirlwind of emotions engulfed you the moment you first laid eyes on her, and you couldn’t deny the surge of affection that rushed through your entire body when you first talked to her. With your reputation when it came to love, it wasn’t really a surprise that you fell hard for her.
But this time it was different.
When you fell for Chaeryeong, you fell hard. Harder than you’ve ever fallen before. The feeling was exciting and anxiety-inducing at the same time. It was a rush of adrenaline, a wave of unexpected happiness, and it felt like an explosion of butterflies erupted in the pit of your stomach. But it was also terrifying. And as soon as the euphoria of realizing you had feelings for her wore off, then came all the memories of the traumatic experiences you had with your ex-girlfriend.
Would Chaeryeong love you the way you loved her? Would she accept you if she knew about your past? Or would she end up like everyone else in your life who you’ve loved?
Would she break your heart to pieces too? Would she take advantage of the kindness you had in your heart? Or would she end up proving you wrong?
You knew that falling for her would be a risk, a jump into the abyss with no bottom in sight, and despite knowing this, Chaeryeong was the person you loved and you wanted to take that leap of fate for her.
So, recklessly, mindlessly, and foolishly, you jumped. You jumped into the feeling of falling for her with no end in sight, with no intention whatsoever of her loving you back, and with no hope of having your feelings reciprocated.
Each day you were with her, your affection for her only grew and you couldn’t deny how much the raven-haired girl had cemented her role in your life. She was important to you now, she was a part of your routine, and you never wanted her to leave your life just like all the others did.
And that’s where your fear started to set in.
What if she found out about your feelings for her and it’d make her uncomfortable? What if she pushed you away? What if she didn’t want to be your friend anymore after the fact?
It was a silent torture you dealt with on a daily basis and your intense emotions along with your raging thoughts started to push you on the brink of madness. You were lost, at a tug of war between your heart and your head, and you didn’t know which to follow.
Your head was clouded, your judgment at a disadvantage, and you couldn’t think straight knowing that your choice would change the trajectory of your friendship with Chaeryeong forever.
But your heart wasn’t a better choice either, knowing that it had put you in tough positions before and that it had hurt you time and again.
However, Chaeryeong made that choice for you. On accident, funnily enough.
But if it weren’t for that fateful night at their dorms when she had called you over after she had a hard day, then you’d probably wouldn’t be with the most amazing girl you’ve ever loved.
When Chaeryeong confessed that she felt the same way, you swore you’ve never been happier. And now that you were allowed to love her freely and without restraint, you showered her with all the affection and care you could muster.
Who would’ve thought that the girl you loved loved you back?
It wouldn’t be a perfect relationship, you knew that, but you were happy regardless. Chaeryeong loved you, and she proved that time and again despite having a busy schedule, and you couldn’t be any happier.
The past wouldn’t matter to you anymore, now that you have a future with Chaeryeong to look forward to.
You hoped it wouldn’t affect you anymore.
—
“Y/N, baby, I’m home!” When you heard Chaeryeong’s cheery voice entering your shared home, you started to panic and your movements became frantic as you attempted to clean up after your mess. “Y/N, where are you?”
You hissed through gritted teeth as the glass sliced through your palm, causing you to let go of the shards you picked up just moments before, and the sound caught Chaeryeong’s attention. Her ears perked up as she heard you and she immediately rushed to where you were.
The sight before her caused her eyes to widen, seeing your hand bleeding out as you knelt beside a few broken pieces of glass on your kitchen floor, and you dreaded having to meet her gaze as she looked down at you. “Ch-Chaeryeong… I’m sorry I—” “Oh my god, are you okay?”
Your breath hitched in your throat as you saw the worry reflecting in Chaeryeong’s eyes as she knelt down beside you, holding on to your hand delicately while she grabbed a clean towel, and she carefully wrapped your hand with it. “Talk to me, baby. What happened? Are you okay? Does it hurt?”
You were frozen in place somehow, your mind lagging as you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in,and your heart raced as you realized how close your girlfriend was to you.
“Hey?” Chaeryeong calls out as she touches your cheek with the palm of her hand, the sudden touch causing you to flinch, and your gaze finally meets hers as you quivered where you were. “What’s wrong, my girl? Does it still hurt? Do I need to take you to the hospital?”
“Y-You’re not mad at me?” You managed to stutter out, your voice shaky as tears welled up in your eyes and you held on to her hand as it rested on your cheek.
Chaeryeong looked taken aback by your words, her brows furrowed in confusion as she searched your eyes, and she shook her head at you. “Why would I be mad at you? You’re hurt and I’m sure what happened was an accident, right?”
You nodded your head pathetically at her words, eyes flickering to the broken glass before you, and you let out a defeated sigh. “I’m— I’m sorry. I tried reaching for it from the top shelf and it slipped out of my hand. I wanted to clean it up before you got home because I didn’t want you to get angry.”
“I’m not gonna get mad over you breaking a glass cup, baby.” She reassured you as she pressed a kiss on the side of your head, her hand brushing over your arm comfortingly, and she smiled at you warmly. “Let’s get you patched up, alright, my girl?”
Your girlfriend helped you get up from the floor, carefully navigating you around the shattered glass, and she let you sit down by the couch. Chaeryeong moved far too quickly for you to even comprehend, but in your defense you were still far too shaken up to even fully acknowledge what was going on, and it's only when she sits back down beside you with a medkit in her hands did you realize what was happening.
She tended to your wound with utmost care, making sure it was clean, and you couldn’t help but stare at her as she did.
Normally, whenever you got hurt by your own clumsiness, it was always just you mending your wounds and patching yourself up. Sometimes, you forget that it isn’t just you this time. Sometimes, you forget that you aren’t alone anymore.
Chaeryeong is here with you now. And she always takes care of you.
“There.” She huffs out with a satisfied smile on her lips and she brushes her thumb over your now-bandaged hand. “Is that better, my girl?”
“I— uh, yes.” You haphazardly answer with a shy smile and you mindlessly nod as you couldn’t help but stare at her, your heart hammering against your chest as you saw nothing but adoration reflecting in her beautiful brown eyes, and you let out a contented sigh. “Much better.”
Chaeryeong plants a kiss on your palm and she weaves her fingers on your own. “Remind me to put the glasses on a lower shelf next time so you don’t have trouble reaching for them.”
You nodded once more, squeezing her hand gently as you did. “I will. I’m sorry again.”
Her fingers brush over your cheek and she kisses the square of your forehead. “I told you, you don’t need to apologize. It was an accident. And it’s partially my fault anyway for putting them so high up.”
“Okay.” Was the only thing you could say, your head turning back to the shattered glass on the floor, and you stood up from your seat. “Here, let me go clean it up before one of us gets injured again.”
“What? No, no. Stay here.” She insists as she pushes you back down to the couch gently, ushering for you to stay where you are, and she walks to the broken glass. “Why don’t you place the food I brought on the coffee table while I clean this up, yeah? I don’t want you getting hurt anymore.”
“You brought food?” You question as your eyes land on the paperbag she had supposedly brought with her, picking it up as you examine its contents.
“Of course, I did! It’s your favorite too.” Chaeryeong responds cheerily with a beautiful smile on her lips, already finishing up with cleaning the glass you had dropped, and she grabs a drink for both of you from the fridge before she sits back down beside you. “I figured I’d buy you something nice to eat since you’ve been so busy with work too. Take it as a little treat from me.”
As if your smile wasn’t wide enough, the sheer intimacy and tenderness in her voice caused it to grow wider, and you couldn’t help the flutter that erupted in your chest as the two of you began eating with each other.
The entire night, Chaeryeong was attentive to you; asking about how your day was and even telling you about hers. And as you two were engrossed in a conversation, you had to remind yourself to push away the doubts that had been lingering in the back of your head for the last couple of days now.
You shouldn’t let the past ruin your current happiness.
—
You jolted from your shared bed with Chaeryeong as your nightmares had shaken you awake from your deep slumber, tears had been endlessly rolling down from your cheeks, and your shoulders shuddered with your heavy breaths.
She haunted your dreams again. She’s always haunted you no matter what you did.
You thought you were finally able to move past it, how badly she had treated you and how badly your relationship had gotten, but you were wrong.
You can still remember each painful jab she took at you, each stinging remark she voiced out whenever she was angry, and you can remember each agonizing bruise she left on your body whenever she got carried away in your arguments.
It had been years since you were able to free yourself from your relationship with your ex-girlfriend, and yet somehow, even when you were miles and miles away from her, her memory still haunts you.
You felt so small and weak whenever your thoughts haunted you, your mind taking you back to each moment she had hurt you, and there was nothing you could do but curl into yourself until the terror and dread eventually passed on.
Tonight was no different than all the nights you were crying on your own. The only difference was that Chaeryeong was right beside you, sleeping away the remnants of her exhausting day, and it only made it harder on you since you didn’t want to wake her up.
This wasn’t the first time this happened, the previous times it did you managed to slip away with some half-assed excuse as to not worry your girlfriend, but this time you were paralyzed in place.
You couldn’t move a muscle as you quivered pathetically in your spot, your heart hammering painfully against your ribcage, and soon enough there was very little you could do to silence your sobs.
As much as you dreaded Chaeryeong waking up to see you this disheveled and broken, a part of you wanted her to wake up.
You needed her to hold you, you needed her to hug back all the broken pieces of your heart, and you needed her to help fight away the doubts that clouded your head.
Luckily for you, your wishes would be granted soon enough.
"Y/N? Baby?" Chaeryeong’s voice was groggy, pushing herself up from the bed, and she rubs the sleep from her eyes as she turns to you.
It was dark, so she wasn't able to see your tears right away, but she did hear your sniveling, and as soon as the sleep exited her system, worry immediately replaced her drowsiness. "Are you crying? What happened, my girl?"
"I—" you hesitated, not wanting to reopen any old wounds, and you hugged yourself tightly as you strained your mind for the proper words to say.
Chaeryeong never knew about your past, you figured it would be better to leave it where it was, and you didn't want to add any more of her worries. Being with you was hard enough, you didn't want to give your girlfriend a harder time.
"I had a nightmare." It was a pathetic and childish excuse, but you figured it was better than curling into yourself and refusing to answer her.
You shut your eyes tight, preparing for a snarky remark from her or an annoyed groan, but you were surprised to hear neither from her.
Instead, you hear Chaeryeong let out a coo as she inched closer to you, and she brushes her hand over your arm comfortingly. "Oh, baby, I'm sorry. What was it about? It must've been really bad if it had you this shaken up. Do you wanna talk about it?"
Chaeryeong never failed to leave you speechless, always surprising you even in the smallest of ways, and you could feel yourself falling deeper for her the longer you two were together.
"Y-You're not annoyed that I woke you up?" You gulped, dreading what her next words would be, but she never says anything bad to you, regardless of your childish excuse.
"Why would I be?" She shrugged, pulling you close to her as she wraps her arms around you, and she rests her chin on your shoulder after she presses a kiss over it. "Nightmares happen. I have them sometimes too. It's normal."
"I'm sorry. I know you—" "I'm gonna stop you right there, my girl." She says with a chuckle, poking your cheek as she did, and she looks at you lovingly. "Why do you always apologize for the smallest things huh? It's okay, baby. Would you like me to stay up with you until you can fall asleep again?"
You stared at her for a little bit, blinking repeatedly as you got a hold of yourself, sighing out as you leaned your head on her shoulder, and you wrapped your arms around her tightly. “I think I’d like that. Will you cuddle with me too, please?”
“Of course, baby.” Chaeryeong smiles as she encases you in her arms, fingers weaving in your locks as she massages your scalp, and she plants a kiss atop your head. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
With your eyes sewn shut, you shook your head and you buried yourself deeper into her. “It was just some dumb nightmare, my love. I don’t wanna think about it too much. I just wanna feel you.”
Your girlfriend hums, looking down at your face with gleaming eyes, and she smiles as she sees the peaceful look on your features. “Well, whatever it is, my girl, you’re safe with me now. And I’ll make sure to scare all your nightmares away.”
“Thanks, Chaer.” You smile as you look up at her, leaning close to press a kiss on her cheek, and you nestle yourself into the crook of her neck. “You’re the best. I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.” Chaeryeong says sweetly and she lulls you back to sleep, holding you as close to her as possible, and it doesn’t take long for you to drift away in your dreams.
You were safe in her arms, you needed to remember that. For the sake of your relationship, you just had to.
You shouldn’t let the past ruin your current happiness.
—
This was the moment you had been dreading since the very start of your relationship with Chaeryeong. Admittedly, you had done everything in your power to avoid a moment like this for fear of things escalating and, ironically, it was your paranoia that had led up to this moment.
“It’s all my fault,” you told yourself over and over as you watched Chaeryeong pace back and forth right in front of you, your own mind racing with endless thoughts as something dropped to the pit of your stomach, and you could only stand as you watched her usually calm features contort in frustration. “It’s all my fault.”
With an annoyed huff, Chaeryeong stops walking, her back turned towards you as she rested her palms on her waists, and she hangs her head defeatedly.
“Chaer—” “I don’t understand you sometimes, Y/N.” The melancholic tone that laced her voice cut through your heart and it only elevated all your fears as you watched her hug herself hopelessly. “It’s like there’s a barrier between you and me all of a sudden. One moment you refuse to be apart from me, and the next it’s like you don’t even want to be near me. I don’t— I don’t get it. Is it something I did?”
The guilt in your heart only doubled down as you caught a glimpse of the lost look reflecting in her beautiful eyes. You shook your head at her words, hesitantly stepping close to her, and your hands hover around you, not knowing whether you should reach out or pull back. “Chaeryeong, no, of course not. I swear, it isn’t anything you did.”
“Then what is it?” She questions, her head snapping to your direction, and she furrows her brows at you. “I’m trying so hard to make things work between us and I can see you trying too, but I can still feel that you’re hiding something from me. Do you not trust me, baby?”
“No! Of course, I trust you!” You assert, panic rising in your chest as you try to look her in the eyes, and you feel your breathing pick up its pace. “Chaer, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way, that isn’t my intention, I swear. I— I’m sorry if I’m being difficult and I’m sorry if it’s starting to become too much. But I promise you, I’m trying. I’m trying so hard.”
“I know you are. I can see it.” She sighed as she turned on her heel, walking towards you to meet you halfway, and she took hold of your arm gently. “But, if we want this to work, you need to let me in, baby. I’m having a hard time here too. Please, just tell me what it is. I want this to work.”
You couldn’t help but stare at her hand as she held you, reveling in the small form of intimacy she had shared with you, and your head was screaming at you to finally tell her. To finally open up about the past you’ve hidden for so long and to finally air out the pain you’ve been feeling. But you just can’t.
There’s something inside of you that’s stopping you. Maybe it’s the embarrassment. Maybe it’s the guilt. You don’t know which one, but you just didn’t have it in you to burden Chaeryeong with all your trauma.
“Chaer, I’m so sorry.” You say through gritted teeth as you meet her gaze and you swallow the lump in your throat. “I— I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
The disappointment, more so frustration, on Chaeryeong’s face was evident as she shut her eyes defeatedly and she let out an exasperated sigh. You opened your mouth to speak, attempting to apologize to her again, but you stop dead in your tracks when you see her raise her hand up.
A whimper slips past your lips as you flinch at the sudden movement, hands instinctively covering yourself in defense, and you curl into yourself as you await for the hit to come.
Chaeryeong looks at you in shock, then she looks at her raised hand, wanting nothing more than to brush her hair back, but seeing you quivering in front of her because of the gesture caused her heart to break.
“D-Did you…” she hesitated. “Did you think I was gonna hit you?”
The heavy atmosphere that surrounded you both had finally dawned on you, letting the tears you’ve been holding back slip past through your eyes and down your cheeks, and you stared at her in shock.
“Y/N, my love, I would never lay a hurtful hand on you. Ever.” Chaeryeong shakes her head with each word she lets out and she eyes you carefully.
Your mind buzzed as the memories all came rushing back to you, the dread and horror invading your system, and your sobs had gotten the better of you. Endless strings of muffled apologies left your lips as you broke down in front of your girlfriend, knees buckling as your strength seeped out of you, and you slinked to the ground pathetically.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” You repeated over and over, gipping onto your hair tightly as you curled into yourself, and you rocked back and forth as you hugged yourself. “My fault. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry.”
Chaeryeong stared at you in shock, her mind going blank as she desperately tried to think of a way to help, but seeing you so broken in front of her immediately sent her common sense flying through the window. She had never seen you this panicked or frazzled before, and it terrified her to see the mortified look on your features.
As stunned as she was in that moment, her instincts immediately kicked back in when she heard your shallow breaths and saw how your shoulders shuddered as you continued to panic in front of her.
“Y/N, I need you to breathe.” She mutters in a hushed voice, not wanting to alarm you or invade your space, and she gets down to your level. “You’re not breathing, baby. Take slow and deep breaths for me. Do as I do, okay?”
Chaeryeong’s voice was faint in your mind, but no matter how quiet it sounded in comparison to the buzz in your head, you had managed to listen to her words, and you desperately tried to calm your breathing as she guided you through it.
“That’s it. You’re doing great, my girl. Keep that up.” Chaeryeong praises gently, easing her way to you, and she manages to sneak close enough to you. “Is it okay if I stay here beside you? Do you want me to stay?”
You manage to nod your head, whimpering as your eyes flickered to her, and you shut them tight as your vision started to spin. The room felt tiny around you, every little thing felt suffocating, but having her beside you was the thing you needed to be grounded back into reality.
“It’s okay, baby. Take your time. Take all the time you need.” She reassures you, reminding herself to keep her distance, and she keeps all her focus on you. “Can you tell me something you can sense right now? Maybe something you can smell?”
“Y-Your perfume. I can smell your perfume.” You managed to mutter out through your sobs, burying your head into your knees as you hugged yourself tighter, and you swallowed thickly.
“Good job, my girl. You’re doing great. You’re doing so well.” She affirms you with a small smile and she wracks her brain for any other way to help. “Do you want me to hold you? Do you wanna hold my hand?”
You shake your head immediately, curling into yourself even more. “P-Please, don’t. D-Don’t touch me.”
Chaeryeong takes that as a sign to back up a bit, fearing that she might do more harm than good, and she nods her head understandingly. “That’s alright too. Can you tell me what you need?”
“I— I don’t know.” You choke out, your heart hammering in your chest, and you whimper as flashes of your memories continue to run through your head. “Please, make it stop.”
“Where are you, Y/N?” She asks carefully. “Can you tell me where you are right now?”
“She’s here. I’m back with her again.” Chaeryeong didn’t know who you were referring to, but judging by the way your voice quivered and how your body shook, it was enough to tell her all she needed to know. “Not her. Please, anyone but her.”
“You’re in our house, baby. You’re safe. You’re safe with me.” She reminds you, voice barely above a whisper as she continues to coax you through your thoughts. “Touch the floor, touch the carpet. Look at the pictures on the walls or listen to my voice. Ground yourself here.”
You manage to press your palm against the floor, feeling the ground beneath you as you start to come down from your frantic thoughts, and you take in a big deep breath.
Hardwood floors and a comfortable carpet. Her apartment didn’t have that.
Your eyes fluttered open, immediately darting to the decorations that adorned your home.
The pictures on the walls weren’t of her. They were of you and your girlfriend.
Then you manage to look at the girl in front of you, seeing how she kept her bright eyes focused on you and you saw nothing but love and adoration staring straight back at you.
You’re with Chaeryeong now. Not with her. Chaeryeong loves you. And she would never, ever hurt you.
“I-I’m in our house.” You mumble, relief flooding your system, and you see Chaeryeong smile at you as she nods her head approvingly. “That’s right, baby. You’re in our house and you’re safe here, I promise. Is there anything else I can do to help?”
“Hold me.” Your voice trembled, the remnants of your tears staining your cheeks, and you bit the inside of your cheek. “Please, hold me.”
Chaeryeong opens up her arms for you and you crawl into her lap almost instantly, straddling her as she encases you in a hug, and she intuitively brushes her fingers into your hair. “I’ve got you, my girl. I’m here. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen.”
You merely nodded your head in response, stilling yourself as you buried yourself into the crook of her neck, and you wrapped your arms around her tightly.
She held you in her arms as long as you needed her to, whispering reassuring words to you as you focused on your breathing, and once you had recovered from your fit of terror, you manage to muster up the courage to finally talk.
You tell Chaeryeong everything, at least everything you could handle to speak about, and it was a long, arduous but much needed conversation.
Admittedly, you were terrified of revealing your past to her, but with everything that just happened, you knew in your heart that Chaeryeong only wanted what was best for you and that she would do everything in her power to make sure you were okay. She had proven time and again how much you mattered to her, and how much she had loved you, and it only made sense for you to share the most crucial parts of your life to her.
And Chaeryeong, being the amazing person she is, listened to your words intently. It broke her heart to find out that you’ve been carrying this burden on your own for the longest time. A mix of anger and sadness had bubbled up inside of her as you revealed more about your past, and she couldn’t even begin to imagine how painful all of this had been.
It made so much more sense to her now. Why you would be so reserved most of the time, why you would apologize for every little silly mistake you made, and why you would always blame yourself in any given situation.
Chaeryeong assured you that she wouldn’t leave your side and that she would help you move on from this, regardless of how hard it’ll be and how long it’ll take. She was going to stay with you and she wanted to work through this with you.
You were the love of her life and she would do anything to make you feel safe and make you happy.
You weren’t going to allow your past to ruin your current happiness.
And now, Chaeryeong wouldn’t allow for that to happen either.
