Metaphysical Complaints

Trembling cluelessly at the edge of adulthood

[millennialsighs-blog]

I don’t know what to do. Nor what to say. Nor how to behave...

What’s the first thing to say to a person who you’ve been talking to for weeks but have never met personally? Will “hi” be too boring and too predictable? Or maybe I could make a remarkably witty statement about his love for romantic movies? Or will it be too cheesy? How do you even do it?

But first, I have to lie to my friends that I’ll be meeting some friend for lunch which is why I cant go with them. I dont think they find me suspicious. You could tell a lot about a person by the way they say things and the way they look at you. And I could tell they believed me. So I went....

I was “borrowing” his Nursery Rhymes CD that I “needed” for internship, that’s why we both agreed to meet. I know, it was a lame excuse. And he probably knows that too. It’s been a while since we’ve been “talking” to each other and all I have in my head is this hypothetical person who loves cheesy movies and hates to hear cussing. It’s time.

I told him we’d meet at the library. Funny, because that’s where I always wanted to meet a guy while I am busy reading my favorite book and he’ll go straight at me and ask me about my favorite line in the book and he’d tell me his. So maybe I forced it to “happen”? Perhaps, you’re right, I’m a cheesy, romantic person too. Is that bad?

We agreed to meet at 12 noon for lunch but not inside the library, only at the benches outside. And I was too early because we were dismissed from my class earlier than expected. It’s okay though. I needed those extra time to stop myself from pacing and fidgeting. I spent a lot of time deciding in front of the mirror whether or not I should pull my hair up or let it settle down on my shoulders. But we have an April sun which means letting my hair down means a welcome song for sweat to drip out from my pores. That wouldnt be a good way of meeting someone for the first time, I guess? But then again, FOREHEAD. I never liked my forehead. They say I got it from my father. They say big forehead correlates to higher IQ. That one may be correct, but will people see me as a smart person or a person with a hideously huge forehead? I think it’s the latter. But whatever, let him have a taste of the real me with this hideous forehead. So I put on some powder on my face to wipe out the oils I managed to collect. And patiently waited on the bench.

I was fidgeting. I look at every person walking towards me and feel a tingle in my spine. I feel like I’m going to poop any minute. The tension rising as time goes thinner. I’m getting dizzy trying to look to the left to right to left again to see if he’s there but I decided that I dont want to look too expectant so I tried so hard to seem oblivious and chill but deep inside my heart and my lungs are racing. My stomach turns like a rusty washing machine. I forced myself to just glance at the door in front of me and look like I was observing people but I was really staring blankly at space and feeling the tension build up. Suddenly, I saw a shadow right in front of me. A blurred shadow. I waited for my pupils to accommodate from staring far from space to looking at the guy wearing a striped green polo shirt facing me. My heart stopped. My lungs silenced. I looked up.

[millennialsighs-blog]

universe & some sort of unfortunate things

A friend once asked me, “So, what’s your plan now?”

The Sarah that I am at the prime period of being a fresh college graduate, a newly licensed professional answered such funny question with “I will conquer the world.”

God, i have so many plans! My mind was always racing with thoughts of possible ventures, of new learnings and opportunities, of breaking grounds and of moving away from my comfort zones. I felt supreme and fresh. It’s like the whole world is welcoming me in a new dimensional place I am too excited to enter. I was eager. I was ready to thrive.

8 months past my “prime period”

Another friend again asked me, “So, what’s your plan now?”

I cringed. I just want to hide away from the world I thought I will conquer. 

[millennialsighs-blog]

“How are you?”, somebody asked me

Without even thinking, I mechanically responded, “well, i’m fine”. 

He didnt hear the little break in my voice. Nor the shiver in my bones. He didnt hear the efforts of my lungs not to suffocate from the lie I just told him. He didnt see how my eyelids quickly flutter to shield tears from falling down. He didnt see the developing void inside me, like something ancient left the crevices of my body, like how bare walls and frame marks signify unforgotten memories. 

..i managed to put a little smile. “I’m fine.”, I told him again, maybe to force myself to believe what I said.

[millennialsighs-blog]

how this society over sensationalize things

I honestly dont understand why the mere thought of letting guys tell a woman that she has blood stains (from menstruation) on her clothes can be really offensive and awkward. Why, isnt menstruation a normal biological process that every biological female has to undergo (monthly)? Why does it have to be a big deal especially when it is boys who have seen it incidentally? I dont get it. Really. I’m a girl and i would really appreciate it if someone (be it a boy or a girl) would tell me if i have stains on my pants or any lower garment because that’s the polite thing to do. AND IT’S NOT AT ALL HUMILIATING. 

It’s 2016 already and we still argue about the morality behind breastfeeding in public. I dont see it as humiliating especially at instances where the baby is hungry. Many people may not understand that a mother’s priority is always for her child. The wrong thing that this society is teaching us is we treat breasts as a sexual object when in fact, (biologically) breasts are nothing but big lumps of fat accumulated in the body if you’re not bearing a child. It functions merely as a way of feeding and nurturing a child once you’ve become a mother. And I wish people will start to understand that because it is not in any way offensive. 

Sometimes i wish i could just slap facts to the faces of conventional, too conservative and know-it-all people. There’s no existing principle about blood stains and breastfeeding. Nobody told us that those things are highly wrong and at most embarrassing. These things are biological needs as much as food, shelter and even sex. These are things that we normally need as humans. But others tend to view them differently. That’s where everything normal starts to go wrong in the eyes of the society. Somebody who understands should start by slapping people with reality.

[millennialsighs-blog]

•i'm so mad right now, i can't speak •if i speak, i might explode •i'm so tired from all these unnecessary arguments •i swear sometimes i want to just push you away •i might sound tough but you're really hurting me •and sorry if i second guess myself sometimes •i'm scared •really scared •ok, bye

[millennialsighs-blog]

Right now, I am listening to Ebe Dancel’s new album. I have to say listening to his songs inspired me to write here again. Not that his songs are purely motivational to push me to type my sentiments here but ~*how should i put this*~ let’s just say that his songs have the power to make you feel every tiny emotions you were trying to shy away from - be it pain, or doubt or love. Anyway, this is not a blog post about him nor his songs. Well, this is about life. Yes. Sadly. My life.

2015 has been a year of so many changes. I finished my internship year, conquered every oral and written revalida(s) and completed my thesis. I graduated a bachelor degree last June and passed the national board exam on August. I was immediately hired as consultant to 2 different clinics on September. And had my first big investment on December. Come to think of it, everything that happened feels entirely surreal. I finally understand the reason behind my unanswered prayers, my heartbreaks and even my failures.

It taught me how to believe the seemingly impossible. To believe, most especially, in myself and in the great things that I’m destined to make. 2015 taught me to let go and leave the comforts of a box that I contained myself in. To breakdown the walls and let love seep in. To love and be loved in return. I realized that love is so much simpler than we think it is. We tend to over romanticized love that we reach the point where we forget its true meaning and take the people we love for granted. You cannot. You can’t be mediocre when loving a person. 

2015 taught me so much about family. It made me understand them in a much deeper level. And respect the differences in every one of us. I have learned to be patient about my parents’ ramblings about finances, the future and my plans. I have learned to respect my younger brother’s need for privacy and his quite unconventional maturity. And to guide my younger sister to becoming a grown up and lovely lady that she will be but still treat her as the baby in our family. I have learned to love them, more than ever. 

It was definitely a year of intense growth and successes and I cant thank God enough. So here’s to a year of multitude blessings and learnings! So here’s to another year of transitioning to adulthood and growing up and learning and loving and failing. And here’s to another year of wonderful travels, great friends, good music, and amazing films! 

Here’s to 2016! May you be merry!  

[millennialsighs-blog]

I stand there in the middle of the street. Oblivious to what is going on around me. I dont understand. My feet were frozen on the ground. It’s as if they’ve known, almost exclusively, the science behind the principles of inertia. Rested, not even moving. Around me are the people in a rush hour of a busy day in Shibuya crossing. Hundred pairs of feet shuffle to different directions - to north, to east, to south, to west. But mine remained stagnant. It feels as if I was gazing through the window from the bus seat and all I see is the multicolored blur. Everything around me is in constant movement, while I stayed on the same, exact spot. Everyone knows exactly where they are headed. Probably that lady in a corporate attire is in a rush to her corporate meeting in a plush corporate office with his corporate team. Or that guy sporting a guitar on his back is headed to that seemingly unknown cafe to play in its open mic stage, and probably pour his heart out with the waitress as his only audience. Perhaps, that student is finally done with his college papers and is now headed to that lone bar where everyone thinks that being intoxicated is the only means to escape reality. 

And I stand there in the middle of a busy street, while people walk past me, like a fulcrum in a compass. I am not north, nor the east, nor the south, not even the west. And I am fucking lost. 

I have a question though. Does everyone really knows where they should be going? 

Or everyone’s just as lost as I am.

[millennialsighs-blog]

The real world is a mad, bad world.

I still remember my father telling me these words when we had a little talk, day after I moved out from my dormitory to go back and live in my hometown.

“You are supposed to encourage me, Papa.”, I told him. “You are supposed to atleast pretend and tell me that it’s a big world out there that is ready for me, ready for the passionate and hungry 20-something person to live her dreams and goals.”

I looked at him expectantly. Perhaps, atleast, he could do me a favor and tell me the words that I wanted to hear. Instead, he just looked away and told me, “Well, it’s not. The world will fail you, and you will get disappointed. You’ll get hurt. You’ll feel alone and tired.” I looked up, trying to avoid making eye contact with my father. I don’t want him to see that I am scared. I want to show him that I am not afraid.

“The world will break you. And it will make you. You just never ever let the world take away that passion and that faith.”, he continued.

The sky above was brimming with stars this night. It’s as if making a promise of a wonderful future ahead. And I believed that, because maybe that’s what I want.