Hello, Tumblr. Itās been a really long time since Iāve been on here. I donāt even know if anyone I used to RP with or talk to are active, especially since the Purge. Something in me is telling me to reach out here again. I donāt know if Iāll be consistent. I donāt know if Iāll beĀ āqualityā. But I miss writing. I miss Marik, I have dreams and thoughts of him.
The last time I was active in role playing Marik, my crisis was just beginning. Marik was a crutch, an anchor, and Iāve felt guilty for using him as such just to bare with my worsening reality. Eventually, everything stopped, and I had nothing left but anger and desperation to survive.
This time of the year marks something of mixed feelings. Tomorrow is the anniversary of me and my best friend making our Marik and Bakura blogs 6 years ago. Our friendiversary, when we developed a life changing relationship.
This also marks a time of great loss for the both of us: her very much moreso.
I donāt know how to talk about this. Itās a private thing. Itās not mine to talk about. But in 2016, due to a heavy loss, I jumped back to Marik so I could give something fun and distracting to help my best friend. I didnāt know I was doing the same thing for myself.
The past three years have been torture. Have been turmoil. I never talk about my personal life on here. I want to portray a happy, supportive version of myself. But thatās not how real life works. Iām sorry, internet, but Iām letting my dirty laundry air out.
Saving details out of this, in 2016, I hit a major burn out. A major loss on all sides of my life. I was grasping at thin air to hold onto. By January of 2017, it was a full blown mental health crisis. I tried to help myself. It just wasnāt enough.
But somehow it was. Somehow.
My mind, my heart, my soul were beyond crushed. My anxiety fully exploded. My PTSD ravaging me. The depression numbing my mind. I had to reteach myself how to read and think from the brain fog obliterating my train of thought. I couldnāt get out of bed for days, the dysfunction was severe. Panic attacks constant, daily, my dissociation almost permanent for a span of two years. I was convinced I was in the wrong time line. I was in purgatory. Reality was a nightmare I couldnāt wake or fix or stop. The world was a lie, ever in sepia tone. This was derealization... My body was deteriorating from the mental H-bomb.
I didnāt know how to deal with the fall out.
Please fast forward with me, now. Iām constantly grinding on becoming better, healthier, sustainable, stable. I, my own hero, and the help and love from REAL PEOPLE who ACTUALLY love me and care about me, we changed my life. Iām alive. After a 3 year mental health crisis, Iām doing better than I had in 6 years.
Yes, Iām on an antidepressant now, and I have mixed feelings, but I know MY efforts have changed my life. Every second of my day is me fighting for myself.
My best friend, my Bakura, has been here with me through thick and thin. And I for her. We are partners in crime, thick as thieves, and through her I have inherited a wonderful, loving family who I love dearly. I wouldnāt know what I would do without her. Iām glad I decided to make this goofy, wonderful, fun Marik blog 6 years ago with her.
I hope I can keep coming back time after time after time to have wonderful adventures. I hope I can go back to KH3 and feel healed and confident enough to play and beat and love and cry and cherish that game. I hope Kingdom Hearts can forgive me for the broken heart I have... I donāt want to escape. I want to live. And I hope I can face KH3 with the full respect it deserves.
If you read this, thank you. If you didnāt want to and are annoyed, thatās understandable. Iāll frebreeze my dirty garments and fan them the other direction.
OH, Btw, Iām happily living on my own now and am a proud mom of a puppy dog. =3 I love my new town, my new job, and making a new life for myself.
Hope yaāll are doing okay. <3