Marlene often found herself thinking of what she would say, were she ever given the chance to face the child version of herself again. That little girl had been nothing but bright eyes and optimism, rebellious and often too impulsive for her own good. She wore the emblem of the badger as a sign of honor, spent much of her time alternating between utter insecurity and wholehearted obsession with the unique shade of her hair. Her dreams then had consisted only of someday earning her motherâs love and playing Quidditch for Ireland. That girl had been filled with nothing but youthful determination and thought that her recklessness and lust for life made her something special.Â
The child version of Marlene McKinnon was, in many ways, lost. Too much had changed in the years that had come to pass. Growing up, she was often hearing adults speak of their children as objects; it was at Hogwarts, with Pomona Sprout, that she heard it other ways. Children were instead personifications of time passing; if you wanted a reminder that, regardless of whatever happened or was to come, time did not stand still you could only look at a child. Still, now, it was impossible to remember just how little time had passed. Only twenty, life had barely started. Yet so much - too much - had changed. If life moved the way it was meant to, without a damned blood war washing over England like a tsunami of carnage, she could be training for her team, have a team. If life pushed onward as she had once wanted, the nightmares that plagued every moment of Marleneâs mere existence would have never come to pass. Â
Despite it all, she wanted to go back. That was wildly selfish, and for an abundance of reasons would never be allowed. For one, time turners were almost impossible to get without plausible cause, and for another, even if she were to face the thirteen version of herself, what would she do? Cry, probably. Try to give her the love that, so young, she had been desperate for. Promise she was perfect the way she was, that her hair should be worn like a crown, that in seven years time, Dirk Cresswell would still be her person just as much as he always had been before. She would tell herself to promise everything would be okay, but it would be a lie. And despite it all, Marlene would find herself incapable of altering the past; she still would have jumped head first into war, upon graduating. Still would have placed protecting Dirk far above her own sense of security. No amount of regret would change that, or change the fact that her best chance keeping him alive had for so long paralleled standing beside him.
She couldnât do it anymore. Now, she had to hope that maybe saving herself would lead to saving Dirk. Even if it meant, sitting in this cold, crumbling castle, facing the rightful leader of their government. Even if it meant her inner cheek was quickly becoming a war zone, torn apart by raging anxieties manifesting in a nervous habit. The silence that followed her admission hung in the air, almost suffocating Marlene in her own fears. If she were to be discounted and marked a pariah, she would accept it. Instead, somehow, her Minister was willing to hear her out. Even if only for now.
âIâŠI was eighteen, and stupid. It sounds like a cheap answer, I know, but I was.â She began, drawing in a shaky breath. If Millicent was willing to listen, then Marlene would tell her everything. With or without the veritaserum that now weighed heavy in her pocket. âThey approached me as I was leavinâ Hogwarts. When they were starting, I didnâtâŠI didnât know what they would become. It was described to me as being rebellion to fight the Death Eaters anâ fight back. Someone I love very much, more than one actually- they have Muggle blood. And as I said, I was stupid. Desperate to protect âem, but I had only just graduated. There was only so much that the Order allowed me to do then, I wanted to protect them.âÂ
All resolve that Marlene had been so vehemently grasping onto began to fade, with the crack in her voice and fresh shine in her eyes sneaking through. âI was with my father when the plans were made that ended the late Ministerâs life, by the time I found out it was too late for me to stop it. And then, Iâ was taken.â The words fell out, lamely, though the shake to her words was only growing worse. âI-I thought in the beginning that any side fighting Voldemort was right. Now I realize that it wasnât, that I was mistaken. And I deeply regret it.â
Millicent prided herself on being reasonable. Whenever possible, the pros and cons of each decision needed to be weighed. She needed to discuss options with her peers (or advisers, now that she had no peers). On one hand, she could expel Marlene from the castle for her crimes. But on the other hand, Millicent recognized that despite her emotional investment in expunging Aversio from Britain, Marlene was a young girl and she likely failed to recognize the effect her actions had on the world until it was too late.
Emotions were something with which Millicent was no longer comfortable. Sometimes her veneer cracked enough to allow her sadness or fear to emerge, even if only for a second. Her passion was still there â somewhere. It had been buried deep within her and suppressed out of necessity. In order to survive the world of politics and come out on top in a time like this, she had had to make adjustments. It had happened so slowly that she had not even noticed. It was only now, when presented with a girl shakily explaining her crimes, that Millicent realized somewhere along the way to the top she had lost something. And as much as Millicent wanted to be firm and harsh towards the girl, her age prevented her from doing so. She was still a child. (Millicent knew that when she had been Marleneâs age she would have resented being called a child, but ten years had passed, and she had been given a new perspective). The young were easily swayed. Marlene had only seen the appeal of it. Aversio was going to help make a difference.
âItâs not a cheap answer,â Millicent said sincerely. And it wasnât. At eighteen, Millicent had been wide-eyed and excited for her future. She had believed she could make a change. Over the years, that had turned into a steadfast determination to make a change. She knew Marlene had meant well when she had joined Aversio, but that didnât mean that Aversio was good. No amount of good intentions could erase the havoc Aversio had wreaked since they emerged. Aversio could mean well, but when they kidnap innocent people and murder them, any good done is negated.Millicent listened intently to Marleneâs confession. The more she learned about why people joined Aversio, the more she understood. With more information came more potential solutions. It was the action that Aversio promised that seemed to draw people in â especially the youth. The appeal was the instant gratification that you had done something worthwhile â until you stepped back and realized you had murdered innocent people. Violence was sometimes necessary, but Millicent would always use the law and diplomacy whenever it was possible. She nodded sympathetically before speaking. âI donât blame you for wanting to join or for joining. They made it sound attractive and you didnât know any better,â she said.
And there it was. The mention of Harold. Millicent inhaled sharply. Hearing about him never seemed to get easier, especially when being reminded of him in the context of Aversio, rather than in the context of what an amazing man he had been. Marlene was not part of his death, and yet, Millicent almost wished she had been. It had been months and she still had no closure. She just wanted to see the person responsible face-to-face, if only to let out the feelings that had been bottled up for far too long. At the same time, it was relieving that Marlene was not involved. It would be much more difficult for Millicent to separate her emotions from the situation if she had been. âI appreciate you coming forward,â Millicent added, doing her best to be fair and understanding like him. âIt took a great deal of courage to come forward, and I commend you for that. The question that remains is what can be done to rectify this error in judgement?â Millicent was not going to punish her, but she was curious to hear what Marlene felt she could do to help the cause. And if it was reasonable, Millicent saw nothing wrong with allowing her to do so. (With some supervision, of course).
vaporwave
blakekathryn
jbbartram-illu
areudirty
