I don’t want the kind of love that comes with guessing games, silence, or mixed signals. i want something that feels safe, someone who tells me what they feel, what they want, and makes sure i don’t have to overthink where i stand. i want to be reassured without begging for it. i want love that’s consistent, not one that disappears when things get difficult.
Because i know how i love, i love deeply. i stay, i try, and i show up. so if i ever love again, i just hope it’s someone who doesn’t make me question if i’m hard to love in the first place.
When I get a depressive episode, it’s not some crying moment or a soft emotional scene. It’s a full shutdown. My brain drops into this heavy place where everything feels impossible. It’s like the light inside me just flips off. I don’t see solutions. I don’t see a future. I don’t feel hope. I don’t even feel myself the same way.
The suicidal thoughts don’t show up because I want to die. They show up like intrusive ideas that crash into my mind without permission. They’re loud. They’re repetitive. They hit when I’m tired or overwhelmed or hurting. It’s like my brain throws out the worst possible escape thought because it can’t see another way out. I know it doesn’t make sense, but in that moment it feels automatic. Mechanical. Like my mind trying to end the pain any way it can.
And the sadness isn’t normal sadness. It’s a kind of sadness that swallows everything. You stop feeling capable. You stop feeling worth anything. You stop feeling connected. It feels like being trapped inside your own head with a voice telling you you’re done, even when part of you knows you’re not. You can’t snap out of it. You can’t think positive. Your body feels empty and heavy at the same time.
People who don’t have depression think it’s about attitude. It’s not. It’s chemistry. It’s trauma. It’s exhaustion. It’s your brain running out of strength. And the reason it’s so dangerous is that when you lose hope, even for a moment, your mind becomes your enemy.
The truth is, I don’t want to disappear. I just want the pain to stop. And when I’m in that place, I need understanding instead of judgment, and support instead of lectures.
And here is something people need to hear. I do not want to die. I am not planning anything. I am not hurting myself. But the thought still shows up in my mind like an intrusive alarm that I never invited. It is scary and frustrating. It feels like a glitch in my brain throwing out the wrong answer while I am trying to hold myself together. It is not something I choose. It is something I manage.
I have been fighting this my entire life. It does not get easy. I just learn how to live with it. I learn how to call out my own brain when it lies to me. I learn how to ignore the thoughts that tell me the worst things. But some days hit harder. Triggers make it worse. People make it worse. Certain words, tones, or behaviors bring up anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and exhaustion all at once. It is like trying to hold a door shut while a storm pushes from the other side.
What makes everything heavier is when people say they are here for me but do not really know how to help. I get that. Most people have no idea what to say to someone who is depressed. And honestly, it is not about perfect words. Sometimes it is about simple actions that show care.
Instead of only asking are you ok, try helping me shift my focus. Send me a funny video. Share a meme. Talk to me about something I love. Bring up things that make me smile. Share music with me. Show me something cute. Start a conversation about literally anything that helps pull my mind out of its own mess. Even small distractions help. It does not need to be in person. It does not need to be complicated. Just real.
I am not asking people to fix me. I am asking them to show up in the small ways that matter. I need kindness that exists outside of a sentence. I need reassurance that feels genuine. I need presence that doesn’t disappear the moment I say I’m not ok.
Depression already isolates you. Gentle effort can be the thing that reminds you that you’re still connected to the world, even when your brain says otherwise.
If you care, show it in the ways you can. Small things matter more than most people realize ♥
There’s a place in the mind that only appears when the world gets too loud.
A space without names, roles, or expectations.
Just thought.
Just clarity.
Just the echoes of everything we never say out loud.
This blog comes from that place.
From the midnight questions
from the quiet analysis
from the patterns we notice but rarely confess we see.
Not a diary.
Not an aesthetic.
Just a mind stepping out of the noise to breathe, observe, and speak.
If you’ve ever felt like your thoughts run deeper than your voice
or that your heart feels heavier than your words
you’ll probably understand this place.
Welcome to the void.
Take what resonates.
Leave the rest in the dark.
titsay
baratheonpilled
izzy806
discoholicmusic
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
