What Self-care Is and What It's Not
I cannot begin to explain how glad I am that the movement of self-care has swept over our communities in the last few years. The notion of looking out for ourselves in all ways has transformed how we look at our day-to-day activities. We now set out to perform mundane routines with the intention of self-love, nurturing our bodies and minds in ways we haven't thought of before.
But what is self-care? What exactly qualifies? The technical definition is anything we do to tend to our physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs. So when you think about it, anything from simply brushing your teeth to planning a movie night with friends, can be considered an act of self-care. But what about all the trendy posts of luxurious baths and sunset dinners for one?
Let's break it down and talk about what is and what is not self-care.
Self-care is not:
For show. It is not about what it looks like to anyone else or how it'll look in a photo for the Internet.
A luxury. Sometimes, we can believe that taking care of ourselves with anything more than the bare minimum is a form of excess, but that simply isn't true. The spectrum of self-care reaches all aspects of our health-- spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. That means that some things that may not be practical or logical in a physical sense are actually necessary for tending to our emotional needs. And that is just as valuable as ensuring that we are adequately fed and watered throughout the day.
A lack of discipline or boundaries. That being said, spending more than we can afford on a manicure is not an act of self-care. Overextending yourself will more often than not lead to more harm than good. Also, lacking self-discipline and being unable to say no to harmful habits or make healthier decisions defeats the purpose of self-care altogether.
A distraction. It can be easy to fall into the trap of distracting ourselves with acts of "self-care" under the pretense that we are looking after ourselves when, in fact, we are distracting ourselves from important hurt feelings that need to be healed and addressed. Don't get caught up in the trend so much that you forget to check in with how you truly feel and forgo caring for some of your most pressing needs.
A rigid set of actions. What works and is healthy for one person may not hit the mark for another. Acts of self-care are vary from person to person and will change throughout your life as you grow and evolve along your journey. Being open to new ideas and being willing to adapt is in itself part of self-care.
In general, self-care is not always easy, and it's not just about making you “feel good.” It's about giving yourself what you need, even the hard-to-admit stuff like more boundaries or less caffeine.
Now, let's explore what self-care is. During my most recent therapy experience, I learned that self-care was more comprehensive than I'd originally thought. I've concluded that self-care is any act or opportunity you create to witness your true self.
The true self is a term used in “Internal Family Systems” or IFS Therapy to refer to the part of us that is complete and embodies eight key characteristics (Compassion, Creativity, Curiosity, Confidence, Courage, Calm, Connectedness, Clarity). The term is also used in the meditation and metaphysics realms, more often referred to as the higher self. For me, these two understandings are pretty united in that the true self is the essence of who we are in the purest and most whole sense. But in IFS, the idea is that this true self is hidden by "parts" that develop to protect us as the result of trauma we face in our lives. So if we approach self-care as a way to connect with our higher self and rediscover the purest version of who we are, we create the chance for self-care to be much more rewarding.
In the simplest sense, self-care is anything that allows us to connect with and experience those eight key attributes of the self. So if bubble baths and manicures make you feel confident and compassionate, then go for it. But remember, the intention behind any self-care act is to connect to who you really are, not to distract you from feelings or thoughts. Actually, those activities would be considered coping mechanisms rather than self-care (more information on that in another post).
Self-care is:
A way to recharge and recenter.
A preventive action that boosts resiliency when hard feelings come about.
Hard work. Sometimes it's choosing new healthy habits over old comfortable but unhealthy ones. It's learning to say no to others and even yourself sometimes.
About healing and growing more than anything else. Consistent self-care is working to bring you closer to your highest self.
Intentional. Self-care that is the most nourishing to our bodies and spirits is intentional about what actions to take and how they make us feel during and after. "After" being the key word here. Feeling good in the moment has its value, but what about after? How activities make us feel when we reflect on them is very important for creating a healthy mind space and building self-trust.
Here are some ideas for self-care that I've recognized as ways to elevate you to your higher self/connect you with your true self:
meditation/mindfulness
Spiritual practice/prayer
Exercises like yoga or dance
Art creation/art observation
Volunteering
Time in nature
Preparing a meal for yourself
Time with a hobby
These are just a few that help me connect with my true self. What about you? How do you take care of yourself? How do you feel afterward? Let me know in the comments below!
Til next time,
Take Care!
