When I woke up this morning I didn’t feel well; that’s happening a lot in the mornings at the moment. But I felt good in myself; happy. When the pain eased enough, I got up, I went running, and even went to the park on the swings! I enjoyed myself. I felt light and free. But this afternoon I really struggled with my depression. It’s like carrying weights around in your stomach. There’s A Lot going on in life right now, a lot of which isn’t shared on social media. And today it all felt like life was just… too much. My psychologist says I have reactive depression… reactive sounds about right. It sounds like a nuclear distaste, a bomb going off, a collapsing building. And I’m left to pick up the broken pieces of what’s left behind. One of the things I hate about feeling this way is that often I really want and need a good cry, but I can’t. Apparently it’s a trauma response. One of the hardest things to learn about living with depression is that it cannot be loved away. My life is overflowing with so much love, and so much joy. But even all that love cannot stop the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach on bad days. Love may not cure my depression, but it certainly helps. A healthy dose of love really is the best medicine! This evening I feel better. My parents and auntie were amazing. Some lovely people on Twitter said some lovely things. My friends, who didn’t even know today was a Bad Day, cheered me up. I’m looking forward to so many things; bowling with my cousins, getting to hug Lucy for the first time in nearly two years next week, brunch with Bampi. I remind myself that “the yucky feeling in my tummy” (the official Davies Clan terminology for depression) is temporary. This too shall pass; this was one of the mantras my psychologist taught me to say to myself during panic attacks. This too shall pass. This evening I feel better. This is a ramble, but I feel it’s important to share the difficult bits of my life sometimes, as well as all the good stuff. #livingwithdepression #palliativecarewarrior #stillaliveandkicking https://www.instagram.com/p/CSfQW2XNZ2c/?utm_medium=tumblr