i can make another one of these?

my friends see and follow my vent account now and id rather not concern my friends or my tw followers about how much i really wouldnt mind if i got hit by a bus you know?

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whats funny is i dont talk to the same friends anymore (busy :() and i finished high-school and started college ?? but i still dont really talk about my mental state

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i am. clinically insane???

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oh my gOD please i have told you TEN times i do not want those pants and i will never wear them so theres no point in keeping them. stop trying to make me keep them every day and then get pissed off because i tell you YET AGAIN i  w i l l  n o t  w e a r  t h e m

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ALSO i want a mother, not a best friend. 

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hHHHhhHh i cant tell if i missed home or not. like ever since i got here its been do this do that what do you think about this? PLEASE let me rest i have been working for a month straight oh my GOD. and then she gets pissed off because I DONT LIKE HER IDEAS and then //i// get pissed off because she stirs up my anxiety by TRYING TO DO HER IDEAS IN M Y SAFE SPACE????? oh my g OD!! like what the fuck please moving that there sets off my anxiety please stop trying to move shit around my room i have ocd and anxiety and you c a n n o t move that bookshelf there. and you cant just leave those things out of place i have my shit where i want them for a REASON!! and you cant come in my room and look at my donation box and tell me that you will use it wHEN YOU W O .NT???? like please im not selling these things because i dont see them in a fit enough condition to do so. some things are resellable and some things are something you should donate to shelters for people who need them and cant afford them. im not letting you sell my worn jacket for a dollar when it could be given to someone who really needs it and doesnt have a dollar to spare. theres other people with more problems than we have and not to mention we might not have problems if you sat the fuck down and stopped spending money but whatever!! im a child!! 

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so i just binge ate 3 cookies and my blood sugar is high as fuck and my head and stomach hurty

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I feel so nauseous just talking about and acknowledging my eating/body issues. I feel so disgusting telling anyone about it. I did this to me and i should be ashamed. I am ashamed. I can never enjoy being who i am because i have problems i dont want to confront. I need help and i know i do but its so hard to allow mysef to get the help i need.

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jesus fucking christ

i do not enjoy picking you up off the fucking floor.

im your daughter

not your babysitter

not your nurse

not your therapist

i am your c h i l d

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i think im upsetting my friends by talking about dieting :((( im sorry i know you guys are sensitive about that kind of stuff. I just wanted to talk about it to someone because its all new to me and its gonna be a big part of my life. :(((((

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saying shit like "oh god i hope its not diabetes" literally does the opposite of helping me. please just support me or say nothing. that sentence feels so fucking invalidating. like it might be, what are you gonna do if it is? im over here learning about a diabetic diet and youre just like "oH hOpE iTs nOt tHaT" like what the fuck???

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i think the scariest thing rn is that idk what my diagnosis is so its like idk what i can eat that could be more or less destructive to myself.

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my head hurts but all i wanna do is blast music so i cant think

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did my dad tell my mom?? idk but guess what? I'm not unless I absolutely have to. I'm not here for listening to her talk to me about trans fats and fibers. that will NOt be happening. if I have to listen to her talk to me about what I should be eating and what I can't eat and what has too many this or that I'm gonna fucking kill myself lmao. 

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OOOOHHHHHHHH BOOOOOYYYYY YOU THOUGHT I COMPLAINED ABOUT THIS SHIT BEFORE??? LMFAO

this diagnosis is gonna fuck me over so hard yall might not be able to call me a virgin anymore

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i hate having to try and make time for school and my family because i can either go to my dads and spend time with them and then i can go to my moms and spend time with her but i have to have wifi for school and my dad doesnt have wifi so i just go to my grandmas sigh. im highkey failing school bc i dont make an effort to get my shit done at my dads when i have options and my mom also freaks out if im gone for more than a weekend and is like “you should just move in” like wtf chill.

im gonna go home to my dads tonight sigh i feel guilty its his birthday and im just not there :(

but at the same time at my moms my dog is depressed because im not home

i hate having to choose between people and then it coming down to them being upset that im not doing great in school but im not doing great BECAUSE im always trying to balance them with a third option. jfc i feel panicky and like im gonna throw up

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holy shit this just like hit me too fast pls i was having a good day

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I don't understand why or how death can be so,,,, sudden. like yeah, there's sudden causes and sometimes it’s better than its sudden than for it to be painful and long-lasting. but like?? you're like idk washing dishes, boring, and then suddenly you're dead. that's how you died. that's the last thing you remember or do. you're just gone. dishes and death. And since I believe in reincarnation, you just die and your soul is born again just to die again?

what’s the point of living if you just die and don't remember living before being reborn?? what’s the point? just live to die some boring way again? that's so shitty why do we have to do that?

and what about the people important to you? any amount of time before someone dies they're doing something with someone, whether that's talking or having fun. you do that and then you die and you leave that person or people to deal with you not being there anymore. it’s literally so fucking painful to not have someone a part of your life and then they're just GONE!

like who gets to fucking decide, “okay you've had enough of living in this time, time to go” and gets to yank the rope real quick. it’s not fair. “life's not fair” yeah no shit you can be dead in 2 minutes.

and like if you get to make it to 65 like?? you've had more time to find more people to hurt. and then you die and you’re reborn and suddenly it’s just new. you're not who you were and you don't remember who you were you don't remember shit because you have to make more shit to remember. 

anatomy is weird. living is weird. 

why do we live if we’re just gonna die and hurt people?

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OH THATS ANOTHER THING,

you can make an imprint or a mark in the world and then die and what are you reborn to find what you did before? do you never think about it? what if like David Bowie doesn't like their own music as whoever they're reborn as? like that's kind of fucked up right?