secret plural(?) sideblog

[minimum-viable-person]

trying to contact headmates after a stressful week:

[mildly-inconvenient-plur-is]

MIP is We have got to start journaling cuz this *gestures vaguely* is a mess

(no but fr we are so disoriented and confused all the time and we lowkey hate each other uhhhhh yeah something's gotta change)

you can do it! I believe in you. /gen -Scint

[thethreeofusalone]

We definitely have some kind of amnesia but also sometimes it feels like a memory is a bar of soap in the shower and I’m the poor soul who’s scrambling to grab ahold of it, never to succeed

[minimum-viable-person]

I've described it as searching for a specific card in a shuffled deck

[ssenograph]

How its going

[enbyclarinet]

is it concerning that i relate to this-

as someone who hasnt been diagnosed with anything (but suspected AuDHD), ive experienced everything in this many times, and probably still do

i know there is a lot of overlap between some disorders, and some symptomes might be taken as others, like me spacing out a lot being blamed on me being overstimulated (which does also happen a lot so its not impossible that it could just be that).

even as i'm writing this, i don't feel like my hand is mine, i look in a mirror and it feels so distant, sometimes my surroundings don't feel real

[minimum-viable-person]

I'd really recommend reading about dissociation!

here's a nice chart of ways it can feel

[polypeptied]

everything is so odd everyone here is also MJ and MJ is also nobody

[diatomsssss]

ive noticed that in our own brain, it is really really hard to untangle "i know i am [the host/whoever everyone outside expects us to be] because ive been acting like them my whole life" with "if i stop filling this [persona], am i real?"

and this of course also makes me think about how hard it is to figure out who you are as a Person when you suddenly dont have to pretend to be anyone anymore + doubly hard when everyone in your brain ALSO thinks they were the same person as you and so everyone is used to being muddled together and masking as each other.

shrugs. basically i think the way people on this site saturate the plural experience with clear cut alters immediately on blog formation is... tough. i wish there was a way to represent the confusion that happens so that more people would feel okay sharing it. sorry for the ramble

[polypeptied]

no yeah, very much this. from our blog i feel like it seems like we usually know who we are all the time, but thats definitely not true. its rare we dont feel like the Host Persona. but its hard to tell when that is because we are that person, or because we are used to acting this way, or because we are used to feeling unsure about ourselves and identify "host" as "identity confusion" rather than "the part of us who is the host."

for us, we have some internal lines of thought with clear appearances/names/etc, who i used to call imaginary friends. and separate external self states. sometimes these line up (it makes sense that X, who thinks like this, is the one that behaves this way outside our brain). but sometimes they dont, and we struggle to identify the external self states even when we DO have an internal part that matches with it... so its tricky.

i figure the fact that we are on social media makes it look like more people have more clear cut alters ig? but it makes it really hard to look through social media content when you arent like that. its part of why we refused the system idea for so long

[chimerid]

recently came to the realization that my parents blaming every mental and physical health problem on me acting out for attention until i genuinely thought that if i was a better person i wouldn't be like this... was bad. anyway i think i might be faking DID because i am a fundamentally evil person

[chimerid]

looking back at our pre-syscovery diary entries where we talked about how horribly ashamed we were for even thinking about plurality when we know we're only faking it, and being even more scared of not faking it because no one would ever believe us. and how there was something horrible inside us making us think like this. okayyyy

[insanitize]

the well okay of it all

[severalcomic]

i thought it would also be fun to reblog some of our older comics here because most of them are like proto-severalcomic. enjoy

[one-in-a-nestillion]

people always describe the system experience as either the host makes all the decisions with input from their headmates, or the headmates vote and come to a collective decision, but what i experience is more closer to a dictatorship where whoever’s fronting at the moment does whatever the fuck they want until they leave and then it repeats with the next fronter and the one after that too.

[semiplural]

🚁 helicopter for the ask game? love all your essays and other works btw, theyre really well done :]

Thank you!

🚁 (helicopter) - Which things have gotten easier with time? Which things are still hard?

It's been long enough that this is actually a bit of a challenge to answer- it's hard to remember everything that's changed in almost a decade.

Easier:

Not fighting with each other 24/7. We still have the occasional argument, but we give each other a lot more grace when they happen and approach it as "this issue is all of us versus the problem". It's made a big difference in how well we get along.

See also: arguing peacefully instead of falling apart into insults and threats.

See also: not hating each others' guts. There was a period of our life where some of us would have gladly killed each other. I don't think anyone wants anyone gone like that anymore, though some people are still closer than others. But we've at least got neutrality for even the more strained relationships nowadays.

Communication. It does get easier, especially when you don't rely on words alone. There's still room for improvement, but we can all reach each other a good chunk of the time.

Control over switching. We've had a good bit of practice with this now, and we can generally arrange for someone to come forward (unless they're unreachable at the time- it's not perfect, and sometimes someone isn't available).

Teamwork. We're gradually learning what everyone has a knack for, which lets us lean on each other's strengths.

Likewise for not clinging so aggressively to control. It's hard to let the money expert do their thing if you don't get out of the way. We do still struggle with someone clinging to control sometimes, but it's been getting easier to trust someone to bring you back when they're done.

Denial. It's a lot more rare now, and when it crops up, we know how to handle it (ask what it's protecting us from, then address that).

Accepting that we can't and don't know everything about our system, and that trying to nail everything down is a losing battle that hurts us more than it helps us.

We spend almost no time on "traditional" plural community list/profile-style documentation nowadays because we realized that it wasn't helpful in a system structured to thwart that exact kind of identity prying. All of the profiles that we used to make were worse than useless, and we switched up how we handled documentation after realizing that. Nowadays, we tend to make art or web-style maps, not profiles, and it works much better for us.

Being seen by friends. There are people who know us individually now, both offline and online, and it's helped us feel like people actually know us instead of knowing this hollow, mirror-coated simulacrum of a person that we used to try to portray.

Still hard:

Everything to do with trauma and processing it. It sucks. It's probably going to keep sucking for a long while. This isn't a fast process. A lot of us still struggle with shame, self-blame, hyperarousal, etc. on top of the memories themselves, and untangling that whole mess takes time. Doubly so when the fallout while processing one event often hits multiple people, making it much harder to function well.

General mental health. Some of it has improved! Some of it has gotten worse or stayed the same. We're dealing with a rough patch right now, unfortunately. It'll pass.

Memory gaps. They're usually not a huge problem (or very large, nowadays), but sometimes they are a problem. There's not much to do about it but react, fill it in if possible, and move on.

Relatedly: finding objects. We still tend to disagree on where objects should be put away, and we're not great about notifying each other if something is moved. We still need to find some kind of practical system to get that information relayed.

Balancing our free time is always a challenge, especially when we all have our own projects. We're currently working on finding more free time for a few of us who could use it.

Knowing what our entire system is like. Do we know some things? Sure! Enough to get by. The trouble is that things change, and our system seems set up to evade being deeply known. There's a lot of strangeness in here and we've found that the best approach is to let it be strange and live with it as a vague, unknown blob of stuff that affects or is us. Sometimes, the idea of an objective reality isn't useful.

Agreeing on lunch.

[chimerid]

things I didn't realize were signs of covert DID

a lot of "signs of plurality" lists focus heavily on introjection and alter communication, two things that we have very little of. we wanted to lay out some experiences we had prior to syscovery with a focus on memory loss, identity confusion, dissociation, and unconscious masking since these are what we experience most. we hope this helps someone.

this is not an exhaustive list and identifying with it does not guarantee anything nor does not identifying with it mean you are not plural. we are one system and these are our experiences, which have heavy overlap with our other comorbid conditions. you know yourself/ves best, use your own judgement when reading.

feeling as though i was never a child even when my body was, that i was always an "old soul"

feeling as though i never stopped being a child, that my body aged without me

feeling as though it is my first day on earth and nothing has existed before the present moment

experiencing all of the above so strongly at different times that i cannot imagine feeling any other way

"i don't hear voices, i just have multiple overlapping trains of thought all reacting to and arguing with one another. probably the ADHD"

feeling upset as a kid that my imaginary friends didn't act the way i wanted, or that they didn't like me

remembering my childhood in third person, as though watching a movie of my own life

feeling as though i am having lines fed to me when talking about myself

remembering times that i was upset, but with the inciting incident cut out. being unable to understand why i felt the way i did

feeling as though the "real" me died a long time ago and i took their place

being talented at acting and lying. feeling like i have spent my whole life acting, as though "i" am a character i put on for other people

being afraid of voicing opinions because i know they might change suddenly, being upset when someone tells me a supposed opinion of mine that i no longer remember or agree with

knowing when i am supposed to have an opinion on something but not knowing what it is, having to make up my own opinions based on what i think "i" would most likely say

"what did you do today" i don't know "how do you feel" i don't know "what do you want" i don't know "did you have work yesterday" ...probably?

feeling like my body sometimes says things that my mind does not remember/agree with, or that i'm surprised to hear the things i'm saying

reflexively lying about things i didn't do because i assume i must have forgotten about it

being freaked out when someone touches my stuff without telling me, because i assume i moved it and forgot entirely. being afraid of how quick i can forget things

having excellent memory as a young child and terrible memory as an adult

"face blindness" where i can tell that people look familiar but feel like i have never met them, being unable to put faces in context

feeling like i have never actually met my own friends and loved ones

"i don't have amnesia, i can objectively tell you what happened. even when i do forget, i can usually put it together through context clues."

"it can't have been that bad, i barely remember it and don't feel upset when i think about it"

"i can't have DID, nothing bad has ever happened to me"

no name ever feels right longterm

creating alt accounts due to a desire to "pretend" to be someone else

lacking a solid sense of identity, feeling like a hollow husk of a person who occasionally experiences moments of clarity and wants to be treated as someone other than the "me" i present to the world

"i've never had a switch, i just have an inconsistent sense of identity"

"i've never had a switch, i have always felt exactly the way i do right now"

feeling like my mind is being pulled in several different directions, especially when i'm upset. being unable to act because different "parts" of me want different things

feeling jealousy when seeing other systems be open about their plurality. feeling like it's something you're not supposed to talk about

feeling guilty for being happiest when i'm "faking" plurality

feeling drawn to stories about possession, secret identities, or doppelgangers

all of the above being such routine experiences that i never even thought to question them

[bathhousekitty]

For the longest time, I truly believed I couldn’t have DID because I “didn’t have amnesia”.

Now, in my mind, amnesia meant everything sort of went black and you’d come to days later without a clue of what had happened or where you were. And while, that absolutely can be the case for some— it wasn’t for me.

Amnesia for me is much more complex. The gaps of memory I loose are patched together by the things that I do remember. My mind may omit half the day, but because I can remember the other half, it doesn’t feel as if I’ve lost any time truly. My mind worked overtime to hide how much time I was loosing, simply because if I knew, I don’t think the past version of myself would’ve handled it very well. </3

I suppose all this is to say that how amnesia presents itself is much more complex than most realize, especially when your brain is trying to protect you in its own weird way. It took me a long time to understand its true face… Q_Q

[rainofthestorm]

System Silence, Blurriness, and Identity Confusion

identity confusion / blurriness

Identity confusion is a pretty common state. Blurry, or foggy, is sometimes how we refer to it. It will pass in time. It's not fun, I know, but it will pass. Rest, recover. You will be okay again.

We've been there for a few weeks at a time sometimes. Usually the best way out of it is to make sure you sort out anything in your environment that might be making y'all feel unsafe or otherwise pressured beyond your current ability to tolerate.

Focus mainly on the essentials, on self care routines, on the immediate things that need sorted out, and making sure you eat and sleep enough. Look after your body. And if there's sources of stress, do what you can to either avoid, escape, or disarm them, or else push through them and solve what can be solved.

internal reorganisation

Sometimes, this kind of state can be a sign of the system internally reorganising or restructuring, that does happen from time to time. Not the most fun, but… it is sometimes necessary. As far as we know, it's not something you can control. It's just something that happens as needed, and we weather it as best we can.

What happens exactly depends on the system, and it might not be noticeable at all. Usually it's pretty minor, sometimes a few traits get shuffled around, sometimes roles. Sometimes memory ownership changes.

Some systems do have larger / more extensive reorganisations and it can involve fusions, splits, or just… new headmates showing up. That might sound scary, but it's pretty normal, honestly. It'll be alright; it just takes time for things to settle.

what if my headmates disappear?

Solid "it's complicated" on that one. It's something we've worried about a lot in the past, and there are definitely some headmates that aren't as active for us at present as they used to be. But… I don't know, we've never felt like they're gone, either.

I would say, definitely make efforts to remember them, regardless. We like to collect little bits of info in headmate profile pages, memories, drawings, preferences, things they've written, whatever. If they stick around, great, you have some good anchors and things they can work on. If they happen to not, they're still remembered and a part of you all the same, just in a different way.

Not every headmate is necessarily always going to be around front is a thing, too; lots of systems have a lot more mainly-internal or internal-only members, those which operate more invisibly and seamlessly, or just prefer to take a back seat rather than be dealing with things in front.

Personally our tendency is to never assume parts of our system are gone, we don't think anyone truly disappears. Is no longer in front, sure. Is maybe not in the same form they were in, or the same function and role and interaction patterns… sure. But... they were part of us once and they always will be, even if the exact way they interacted with the system has changed or grown less overt in some way.

To exist is to change, and that's true for systems too. Headmates change, the system dynamics shift, but generally nothing is gone… just changed. Sometimes it bears grieving, for many possible reasons, but often… we're all still here, still together, still ourselves, all the same. Even if it's not quite how we'd have liked to be in perfect circumstances.

Additional Resources

Handling the "Silent Periods" by Phosphor of the Hungry Ghosts

You don't need to know who you are all of the time and I'm probably faking all of this! from plurality.systems by the Pleiadesfolk.

[pickin-up-pieces]

pickin' up pieces, comic #2. The non-amnesiac experience is interesting and often not discussed much among systems, so I wanted to say my thoughts.

[obscure-entity]

it sucks

[royal-we-collective]

Dreadnought (dread-nawt) , literally translating to fear-nothing, role in systems/plural collectives generally categorized as a subsection of energizer, but doesnt have to be. Dreadnoughts generally have reckless instinct and lower self preservation skills, and a 'here for a good time, not a long time' mentality.

We mainly came up with this so Gold would feel included (everyones got a role except him...), but feel free to use it for yourself if it fits! If anyone would like to make a flag for this, feel free to! I like the simple ones with just stripes, but honestly go nuts.... (if you do make one, ill add my favorite to our prns.cc with credit and maybe even its own post!)

[minimum-viable-person]

top 10 tracks to derealise to

[freakoutgirl]

problematic will to live gap