All of the Doorknobs!

[minkainka-blog]

Hi. I have.... Been keeping something under lock and key for the past few years and I am going to address it. I feel better throwing this document out into the wind. So... Here it goes...

The person I am speaking about is Spinner. Inscaeit on Tumblr and Adria on Darkspyro-- Which is where I first met them.

Before I say anything there will be a few #rape mentions, not being threatened/directed towards me, just something that would be most likely be classified under 'rape culture'. And, of course, it feels better to make that a warning just in case.

Also #Dating a Minor and a bit of #Pedophilia. You’ve been warned.

This person is quite abusive and they have resorted to: Silent Treatment, Minimizing*, Manipulation*, Mirroring*, Lying*, Denial, Neglect, Projecting

Spinner also has the tendency to size themselves up with topics that don't really belong in conversations. Roll all of that in with victim blaming, hiding behind ignorance, instances of stalking*, trying to erase/ignore abuse and someone else’s mental illnesses, and we'll roll onto explanations...

* The following tactics were admitted to being done by Spinner.

First of all, this is a pretty long document. Some parts lack evidence simply due to the fact that the abuse started via cellphone and it lasted say... Mid-2012 to early 2014. So if you see something along the lines of "Texting Era" it means no pictures exist to back-up the statement because screencaps weren't taken during the time (I had no intentions on really making something like this back then. Hell, it feels weird doing this now but after what I went through; it feels fair to write this out as a coping mechanism). So ‘Texting Era’ notes are recollections. So take them for what you will. "Skype Era" shall be anything after August 2015.

I am going to go by scenarios. Sorry if it gets too cluttered and confusing..

Also third-party names and certain websites will be filtered out. Along with personal stories that involve different online parties (mostly if it's detailed and would make it easy or them to be identified) so if large boxes exist; they are covering up information that should not be shared.

01. Silent Treatment

Pre-Texting Era

- Let's start with the first action that kicked me in my anxiety. This actually happened a bit before the Texting Era and on DarkSpyro itself!  If my memory serves me correctly, this happened around Summer of 2012. People can leave messages on profiles so I left a couple of quotes from the video "Love is a Battlefield with Literal Lyrics" or something along those lines. Spinner later replied with "Maybe I should lock my guestbook.". I messaged them if I could send them private messages and their reply was "At least I can delete those without looking at them". When I went to check their profile, their guestbook was locked. Spinner left a simple "No" in their profile, which was in reference to me.

Admittedly, I might have took this to heart to a serious extent. Because after the action was done, I got really nervous about it, especially since it wasn't referenced again and this action was pretty deliberate. Instead of a "Yuni, could you please stop?" I got that. I was too scared to send a PM that said "Sorry" because I was worried it'd be deleted in an instant so I kept quiet about it and never forgot it. Back then, I was a bit of a doormat and very quiet about my problems and almost never bothered with confrontation. Packed with so much self-doubt so I began blaming myself whenever conversations went quiet or got nervous I was being annoying.

I guess it hurt a lot more when we later had private conversations on Tumblr via Fanmail and I had mentioned that I was worried I was annoying them. I got a “I don’t think you’re annoying but it pisses me off when people think that way.” And seeing that hurt a lot.

Real Talk: Silent Treatment

Before I 'end' this section: I want to say silent treatment of any kind has the biggest affect on me in any relationship. It might because of my DPD, but I can not stand it. I get so nervous over it and it causes severe problems with me because I start to worry over every. possible. aspect. Which can include multiple aspects especially depending on what's said around me and the person who’s doing it to me. Me worrying is not intentional, nor do I enjoy being in this state of mind. But it's very hard to control my emotions when fear is involved.

It stems from growing up with my mother who would ignore me over simplistic questions that could be answered with just one word. I would get yelled at by my mother if I asked the question again. Questions would usually be something like "What are we eating today?", "What time are we leaving?", really basic questions, ect. Usually she'd look at me, knowing I was there but never said a single word. I mention this because it's left a large imprint in me from how I grew up. This sort of treatment makes me really frantic because it it's an easy way to make me feel shunned.  Because, yes, I did grow up in an abusive and neglectful household. After going through many years of it started a nervous tick that happens if someone does it to me frequently.

So after this form of treatment;  (Texting Era) I asked Spinner if they were mad at me or if they hated me the moment the conversation went silent. If there was never a 'goodbye' and I was the last to reply I would ask "Are you mad at me?" or "Do you hate me?" on occasion--which later had me asking frequently as time went on because Spinner acted more passive aggressive with me. Giving rude remarks or getting angry at me when the questions came up but it resulted in me asking even more because I got even more worried and just wanted reassurance that things were OK instead of playing a game of Minesweeper. But I would get comments about how I didn’t need reassurance and things of that like from Spinner. Because apparently they are the ones who decide how my mind works. 

I had told Spinner that I liked little things like updates if they were going to stop talking or if they didn't feel like talking after a while. But this was something they consistently refused to do on my behalf because they would say things like "Well i'm not going to change" and “I don’t have to do that unless you have a good reason” so I got so confused over it because I just wanted little updates now and again, but apparently it was too much to ask for. And it was apparent my anxiety wasn’t valid or a ‘good reason’, either. Since updates never came during the Texting Era; I would stumble into days where Spinner wasn't in the mood to talk and i'd suffer more backlash for it. And there have been times when Spinner would be in a bad mood and suddenly the conversation would drop and I would say “Should I leave?” to get replies like “yes, you should”. Usually I'd try talking or bring up subjects at 'wrong' times. I would be unaware but Spinner would later reply with "You always bring up this shit when i'm not home!" when I was never aware of where they were nor did I have the intentions to bring up the questions or problems when they were away from home. But it felt like I was expected to know everything--when they were mad or when they were away.

I will admit, my anxiety was (and still is) terrible. I get so upset when I know that I hurt someone. So being left in the dark will always leave an negative infliction on me and getting blamed for not having the knowledge on particular subjects hurt me so much. Not that I expect someone to cater to me all of the time, my anxiety is not the 'stalking' type--just that I'm never sure when it's a good time.

 2. Minimizing

Texting Era - Where to begin with this... The Minimizing happened a lot. From confrontation or me mentioning little worries going about in my life around Spinner. It was not uncommon for Spinner to give rude reactions or some form of passive-aggressive comment to them. Then there's Spinner making points that their problems are more important than mine and this was a frequent point they hammered into me just to get me to shut up. There's also times when they think i'm overreacting with my point of view just because they deem it 'unfair' if I see them in a negative light--Even if I give my reasons to why I see them that way.

- Spinner would usually reply to things with "If that's what you think, OK" if I ever mentioned that I believe that they dislike me after doing certain things that hurt me. I would bring up subjects that hurt me and would ask if disliked me. Their "If that's what you think, OK" replied were, in short, a form to blame me for thinking in such a way. It became a constant phrase Spinner would use whenever I brought up something. I always fell quiet afterwards and the words being used always made me question my emotions and worth. Along with my my disabilities.

This phrase is also a direct mockery to my psychosis. Basically it’s one of those “it’s all in your head” insults--Which was something I got a lot from my mother whenever I was upset. So it left a massive negative infliction on me. Be it unintentional or intentional. 

- They criticized me for harmless things. My artwork and how I draw makes a good example. Drawing is more of a hobby I developed for coping with my depression so criticism was (and still isn't) good for me because it only stirred up my anxiety. I actually took up drawing because it was the only thing that kept me from doing self harm and Spinner was well aware of this.

So hearing things like "you drew the breasts wrong" or  "this looks wrong” and having them refer to my art as shitty in front of me with nothing else always put me in a pinch. Then there were times I drew a few of Spinner’s characters and usually got no reaction. Though, they would usually stay quiet or hint at disliking the art when they started criticizing me more. There have also been a few instances of them laughing at my work and mocking me in one instance. On some occasions Spinner made excuses that did not make sense. During a few attempts at approaching them them I got meager “I just want you to improve” replies. Which were not very noble answers if someone was hurting me even after I request them to stop criticizing me. 

So, basically, Spinner had “good intentions” with wanting me to improve and they considered it A-OK to give me insults and not apologize for anything when I brought up how uncomfortable I was back then.

Criticism was never my sort of thing and the way Spinner spoke about it around me was basically just a flat-out way to express that they hated my art. I had stated to them before that I did not appreciate criticism but they merely shrugged it off with a "Just saying". Then there was another time when I said I had trouble drawing something I only got a "Aren't you an artist? This should be easy!" comment. Because, you know, being an artist means everything is easy for you!

While I don’t have text snippets I did ramble to a friend about it during the texting era.

*** July 23rd-24th 2013 ***

*** July 29th 2013 ***

Honestly, re-reading these comments from my friend makes me smile. I’m happy to have dug these up because they had offered so much comfort on a subject they weren’t even a part of. Along with being patient with me if I brought up the subject multiple times due to how upset I was. Seeing these again help me realize how fantastic my friends are.

Also, while I couldn't find it, this person had offered to look at the drawings I made for Spinner and compliment them. They (my friend) actually offered to take a few moments of their time to give me positive comments on my artwork to help me with my self-esteem. They fully understood how I was with negative criticism so they never used it around me. They actually took my emotions into account first. And what's better is the fact that they didn't just simple say things like "cute". They would go into detail about what they enjoyed about drawing. Each time their compliments were unique. My friend actually put effort in making me feel better.

Eventually I stopped showing them to Spinner and just ran to them to look at. Spinner showed annoyance to it since I began to hide art from them. I felt bad about it at first but not too since I had made it clear I didn't appreciate silence or insults. I was not wiling to subject to negativity and didn't appreciate getting blamed for seeking positive reinforcement. Spinner just expected me to take their insults and neglect and soak it up like a sponge.

I have trouble drawing art for other people after that experience--which is troubling for a person who has to take art commissions. This was a huge problem back then and it's still sticks to me now. It stems from my experience with Spinner because, they were basically the only... 'friend'... who criticized me crudely in the past. I got criticism for my art a lot, and I still do now, but I learned not to listen to outside opinions since there are people out there who will try their best to break you down. So when I got this sort of treatment from someone I trusted... Well... Let's just say I managed to get trauma that psychically effected me. I have a nervous tick when I draw now--specifically for other people where my hand begins to shake and I can’t hold a pencil. In the instance of mocking I let Spinner request a drawing and I couldn’t complete it since I began tearing up. I confessed I couldn’t draw it due to crying and I (a few months) later I felt a bit brave. And I asked Spinner if I could draw their character. Their reply was a mocking “Why? Aren’t you just going to cry again?” I dropped the subject quickly afterwards.

I almost forgot this little bit but Spinner would act like I had the knowledge that they liked my art. Which was a terrible lie because I thought the complete opposite and I had my reasons as to why from the lack of positive comments and the silence. So when there was little to no compliments or even recognition to my artwork that I drew for them. I’d peep up my worries about them not liking my art. There had been a few instances where they said  “I know you know that I like your art”. Basically as a way to avoid really telling me anything because apparently I already knew everything there had to be said. But Spinner treated me as if I had no emotions or assigned emotions to me out of sheer convenience instead of actually bothering to hear me out it during the long run anyways.

Oh, and I did address this to Spinner again:

*** December 9th 2014 ***

Because you know, good friends insult your work in hopes you improve. It means they are supportive and it means it they care. It also means they care when they ignore when you tell them on the spot that you don’t appreciate what they tell you because it only causes you anxiety and ruins your already low-esteem and they ignore your discomfort because they care for you. And apparently that’s OK! 100% OK to insult someone just as long as you good intentions. Go ahead. Tell your artistic friends their flaws after they draw their OCs when they don’t ask you for criticism. Make fun of hair colors and the artist’s color choice. Mock them with “her hair looks like piss” and “what do you mean you can’t draw that? you’re an artist! everything should be easy for you!” Because being an artist who shares their work means you’re allowed to be attacked--*ahem*--I mean... “criticized” by your supporting friends! Supporting friends who don’t recuperate a mentally ill person who struggles with enough emotional problems that someone found the need to bully and harass them until they cried because they believed drawing was the their talent and even considered committing suicide because apparently they couldn’t get a break or small bits of positive reinforcement like “this looks nice” or “great job”. But it’s OK... Because apparently just because insults weren’t meant to hurt someone--it’s perfectly OK. You can also neglect someone who needs positive reinforcement if you don’t think they need to... Because apparently you’re also in charge of their mental illnesses and thoughts! Apparently insulting friends is OK as long as you don’t intend to hurt them! This is OK.  (:

( ! ! ! THAT WAS SARCASM. Don’t do this to your friends unless you want to be seen as a living shit hole ! ! Especially when they tell you that they are uncomfortable and you KNOW they are mentally ill and use something harmless as art as a coping device! ! If you force insults upon them so they can ‘improve’ when they need reassurance you DO NOT have good intentions ! ! You are NEVER free to make fun of people and hide behind “good intentions” and “I didn’t mean to”s. The moment someone is picked on speaks up--you lose your side of the argument.

Just adding that disclaimer in case the sarcasm wasn’t evident.  Please don’t harm your friends. Especially if they are mentally ill. Good intentions don’t clear your name. Good intentions don’t make you the better person if you are forceful about it . )

- Texting Era: There had been a time when domestic abuse was happening within the household (between my mother and her boyfriend) and I was extremely anxious over the situation since the fighting got physical. I locked myself into my room, terrified that things would escalate to the point where I could get hurt as well. I had been shaken up over the events and hadn’t talked about it to my friends, save for my girlfriend. I tried bringing up the topic with Spinner and I got a mere "You had a bad day? Well, I had a bad week." comment. I should mention that them not updating me on real life events at the time still wasn’t a thing.

- When I tried talking about how I felt Spinner actually resorted to saying that I was ‘playing the victim’.

Along with that I was called “Bitchy”, “Pissy”, “Thick-headed”, “Stubborn” whenever Spinner was frustrated over symptoms to my mental illnesses. Because name-calling is OK, apparently. 

*** August 28th 2014 ***

Though the "stubborn" insult was apparently Spinner calling themselves that. I can assure that the whole "stubborn" thing was directed at me with "I wish you would stop being so stubborn" comments from them. Spinner later stated that they were actually speaking about themselves but it either way: they were taking their anger out on me by insulting me. It was directed at me. Then they tried to hide the fact that they did so by saying that they were addressing it to themselves. Which, honestly, is nothing more than a form of projecting emotions onto other people. 

The Kicker: One of the saddest things of this experience through the Texting Era is that Spinner would stalk a particular someone’s Tumblr. One day they sent me a text, making a comment over something the person reblogged that went along the lines of “Do not put your problems over another person’s problems.” and Spinner ridiculed them. I had to let out a false chuckle and look the other way. While the person in question did behave like that--seeing Spinner criticize the person did not sit well with me.

And for an extra kicker: Spinner would say things like “Your feelings matter”, “I care about you”, “You are important to me”, and things of that like as well after they’d insult me or mistreat me at the end of the day. No apologies were ever really given to me after expressing how hurt I was--in fact expressing that I was hurt only made them mad. It really showed me how “important” and “cared for” I was

00. Uncategorized

These are mentions that I do not fit under the categories. Or they do but I am honestly unaware of it. (Friends are free to point out what form of abuse it was if they wish.)

00. On the Topic of Hypocrisy

This is somewhat touchy. But dealing with Spinner’s hypocritical standpoints were always off putting.

00. "Changing", "Caring", and "Loving"

Writing this article is so painful but it pulled at my heartstrings to delve into this topic.

00. A Racist / Stereotypical Comment from from Spinner

... In 2012 on DarkSpyro there was a “post pictures of yourself” thread. I was never fond of those threads since I don’t like posting pictures of myself. At all. But I felt a little brave that day and decided to post a picture of myself.

Spinner made a single comment on mine. Which was the word “gangsta”. There was nothing else. Nothing complimentary or anything of that like. Just that single word. Which was just to mock my skin color.

I swiftly deleted the picture afterwards and felt ashamed.

(And no, there was no apology or anything on this matter. Meaning Spinner said that and left it as is.)

I’ll also make the note that Spinner is white and end this here.

00. 'Payback'

Texting Era: During 2013, on a little pixelated petsite that was once my favorite place to hang out on. The website was dealing with it's own issues and I got a couple of prizes for signing up for an event (that was later canceled). Participants received prizes and, since Spinner said they were in a crummy mood that day, I decided to give them one of the items as a gift.

A few days later Spinner sent me a message that they were contemplating the idea of trading the gift away. I had typed something along the lines of “*frowns* Already thinking about selling it?” and they snapped at me about something I had done about a year or two ago about a gift.

Pre Texting Era: (This either happened in 2012 or 2011) Spinner and another friend had saved up currency for me to get a special item on the website as a birthday gift. It was a decent amount accumulated by both of them. I saw someone selling the item and messaged Spinner. Spinner hadn't signed in for a few days and by the time they sent me the currency; I missed my chance to obtain the item once I checked. Spinner had signed out again and I got nervous telling them that it was too late. I admit, I saw a different item and spent the currency. I ended up caving into impulseht it without consulting either of them. I did end up confessing to Spinner and the friend and ended up promising to pay them both back fully. After apologizing and selling things, I managed to and did pay them back!

Me doing things out of impulse isn't uncommon. Though, I have been doing my best to curb that habit. I'm the worst at saving money--in real life and digitally. So I learned from the past. I said my apologies and made sure to make amends. It was all I could do and I was surprised that it was thrown back at me after I was told it was OK after I paid them back. Though, months later, I gave Spinner an item because they wanted one, which was practically sold quickly after. It’s funny, I never got after them about it. I’m pretty sure it was out of spite, anyways.

But, I can keep my dignity about it. At least I tried to make amends. Nothing I did was out of some form of spite. There have been times when impulse takes over and I don't think of consequences--It was a dumb teenage me who learned how to grow out of that state. I managed to keep quiet on some of the things they said, or did, to me and why it bothered me. I tried not to hold them to every bad thing they did, though. Funny how if I did get after them Spinner would counter with complaints as if I always did something wrong and it always cornered me.

And the kicker? After an argument over the subject: Spinner later admitted that they were trying to be an asshole. So I sighed, and tried my best to let the topic go.

Sizing Up

Texting Era

: Frequently within the Texting Era would would size themselves up with saying things like "Well I always put others before myself" and things of that like. Usually when I requested something (e.g. the update thing I explained in RT: Silent Treatment). It was not uncommon for Spinner to say "I always do nice things for friends" or other similar excuses. I never really asked for much other than asking for updates or a request for them to stop saying things that pricked at me. Then they'd toss around the "I've been jumping through hoops to keep you happy" and I was left in the dark as what those actions were since anything I requested was ignored.

It was most likely done to make me feel bad--and it did. Each time.

They would mention other people, completely unrelated to the topic, as if it applied.

The following also happens within the Skype Era. It wasn't as frequent but... It still appeared. It's nice to know someone

"Friends"

This is one of those things that pricked at me a lot, while I can understand Spinner's PoV since i'm the same on the whole concept... To an extent. Me talking about my friends would usually be casual. I also have the tendency to talk about my depended a lot. Though, there had been times when I avoided Spinner to talk with a friend in the Texting Era and I would simply avoid problems to confide the situation with said friend and Spinner was aware of it.

The main reason as to why I would was because Spinner would minimize the situation, or Spinner would throw in multiple problems at me(usually unrelated to the subject) just to keep me quiet or shame me, I did my best to curb the habit during the Skype era. But me running off to find comfort in someone is one of my coping methods to keep me from self-harming.

Spinner would usually try to shame me or guilt trip me for talking to my friends over a situation and, while they deny the blame, it is clear that there was something underlying the situation. There would be mentions of them not being good enough or constantly pinning that I wanted them to be perfect or kept them to a certain expectation--which was never the case. Unless being treated like a human being is too much to ask for. Considering I’d get direct insults to my mental illnesses or expectations to be mentally stable and get no apologies for it.

Oh, and to add; Spinner never liked it when I talked about my friends because I’d mention things they did that made me happy. Honest innocent/casual mentions like “X drew me this” or “I’m gonna draw something for X”.

Then they’d victimize themselves if over ‘not being good enough’ when I have people who care to listen to me and not deliberately shit on my mental illnesses every chance they get. And, granted, some of my friends do not understand my mental illnesses and it’s OK. I’m just happy to vent without critical judgement–which is something Spinner constantly did.

So Spinner ends up blaming me for seeking help from others, seeking comfort, and giving praise to those who give enough of a rat’s ass to sit with me and hear my problems.

Mix that together with Spinner’s “don’t find comfort in me” and “don’t have faith in me” and Spinner just invalidates themselves without me having to explain anything.

I should also state that it’s a pretty dick move to have someone go  “don’t find comfort in me” and “don’t have faith in me” then when you don’t go into details and just say you had a shitty day because you don’t think they care to listen they begin to recite the lyrics to “lean on me’ (I am not even fucking joking or exaggerating with this) and apparently it’s OK to talk to them about anything in the world with them when just last week they were angry about you telling them about your anxieties.

Wow, how terrible of me to have suicidal thoughts and paranoia and wanting company to calm me down. Wow, how terrible of me to go to people who offer an ear and some time to go into a phone call with me to calm down. Wow, how terrible of my friends to offer to watch a movie with me or share their favorite funny and/or cute youtube videos as an effort to put a smile on my face. HOW DARE I GIVE THEM PRAISE FOR SPENDING OVER AN HOUR OR TWO HOURS OF THEIR TIME JUST TO CALM ME DOWN. HOLY SHIT I AM SO TERRIBLE FOR HAVING MENTAL ILLNESSES. THAT MAKE ME RELY ON OTHERS FOR HAPPINESS. HOW DARE I DECIDE NOT TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO IS ABUSIVE AND ABLEIST WHEN I TRY TALKING TO THEM. HOW DARE I REMOTELY HAVE SOME FORM OF GRATITUDE OR APPRECIATION FOR PEOPLE WHO DO NOT GROAN IN MY FACE, DEHUMANIZE ME, OR SHRUG OFF MY FEELINGS.

(Also, a slight note, can I just say after explaining.... Out of all of things I used as a healthy means of coping; the only thing Spinner NEVER said "No" to was self-harm. That's the one Spinner dubs as OK.

Instead of me SAFELY talking to my friends. And drawing is not a relief for stress anymore due to the insults Spinner threw at me. Then Spinner claims I am being put in front of everything. When they're just making up things that make me happy and allow me to cope in a open enviroment. So just... Let that sink in for a second. (: )

Texting Era: There was a point in time where Spinner preferred me not talking about my friends in the middle of conversations. Most of the times I would mention simple things like "X drew me this!" or "Y and I are planning to do a roleplay!". Spinner had requested that I stop mentioning friends and I tried to take it into mind and abide by it. So I had to be vague with "Something happened that made me happy". It got a bit nerve-wracking when Spinner asked for details, because I always got nervous if talking about those forms of events were allowed. But it really pricked me after they ended up talking about someone they had been admiring on a website we frequented on, and Spinner eventually did start speaking with this person. So in between a completely different conversation, they would type something along the lines of ”*coos*“. It happened twice until I asked what it meant and they began to talk about the person. Funny enough, I had been socializing with them as well and since I thought it was OK to talk about them, I mentioned that they and I were planning a roleplay. Quickly after that, there was an awkward silence and it was back to requesting that I stop talking about my friends again.

Though, friend-wise, Spinner would occasionally mention their friends on Darkspyro. It was not a frequent thing. Usually when it happened it was not in a good light. Most of the time it’d be vague fights going on or instances of annoyance. I was happy to listen but never had advice to give. Usually it’d be Spinner mentioning that they were being ignored or under-appreciated.

Perhaps it was the guilt Spinner pushed onto me but... It somewhat felt as though they brought it around me to scare me off. Because after those rare instances they would mention they were happy they that don’t socialize with other people.

And, while this isn’t friend related, the “I’m happy I don’t bother with people anymore” was brought up outside those instances and frequently shoved in my face. There are particular jabs they took at me to tell me how much they didn’t like having me around... Despite telling me how “important” I was.

Another instance was that I was trying to socialize on a website I had tried talking a stranger and when I tried doing some simple idle chatter; I got worried that person stopped replying and I had told Spinner. Their reply a “Well people can’t talk to you all of the time” and the way they worded it was a direct jab to my social anxieties and dependent personality disorder.

Skype Era -

*** September 26th 2014 ***

The two people blackened out were my favorite person and my depended. Two people I loved to talk about when I was in my ‘happy place’. 

Also, ‘inferiority complex’ or not, I didn’t like how Spinner seemed to talk about being in the ‘friend’ area. It honestly put me on the spot. A spot that was too soon. Especially after the whole run of abuse. I guess Spinner expected special privileges.

“well i hope you don’t feel too bad on that case”

Eheh. Not like you would have remotely cared how it effects me either way. ¬.¬;;

I just want to state how impossible Spinner’s expectation for this was. Because they seldom bother to grasp the importance something is to me and just pass it off as nothing important. This becomes worse as time goes on so I’ll get to that soon. Also, please keep Spinner knowing about the fondness thing along with the “I don’t want you to feel bad about talking about the people you care about” thing for later. 

*** October 20th 2014 ***

To backtrack on the [X]’s birthday thing mentioned during the October 20th.

*** October 3rd, 4th, and 7th 2014 ***

Spinner shared a birthday with my favorite person. 

There had been instances of me mentioning a friend’s birthday but I had not forgotten Spinner’s during the time--Because both of them were on the same date. I had been anticipating both and made sure to say “Happy Birthday” to Spinner. Though that weekend they told me they were going to be scarce so I did not know if it would be welcomed for me to wish them a Happy Birthday. I did so anyways and managed to get them a gift.

It feels so weird getting someone after you if you forget their birthday. I don’t even remember my own mother’s or my father’s birthday. Hell, it’s shameful for me to say I forget my girlfriend’s birthday as well. But I was always someone who was aloof with time. I’ve lost track of time and don’t pay attention to the dates anymore, there’s even times when I graze important dates. And this is done because I sort of lost connection with life so time became pointless. Which isn’t good--but it’s something that I have grown accustomed to with depression.

(Texting Era) Though, in 2013 I had sent Spinner a package. Giving them my PSP and hand drawn art. Spinner had mentioned that they ‘deleted’ my artwork so I would not doubt my work was thrown in the trash by now. When it was stated that they deleted my art; it was after the relationship ended. So I can’t be mad over that. Because it is understandable.

(Texting Era) Then for my birthday in (January) 2014 I got a message saying “Happy birthday. I would have gotten a present but you would have thought it was mediocre.” for the first message of the day I got from Spinner. Just Spinner projecting more feelings onto me. Even being hypocritical with their behavior. I was the one who got beat down for writing or drawing special things for them so  I won’t lie when I say it was really disgusting to see that from them. I would have settled for a simple “Happy Birthday” but no. They just had to include that extra sentence in their text.

The topic of birthdays will prick at me the wrong way.

Also, remember this ‘forgetting someone’s birthday’ thing for later. Just remember the topic of forgetting in general. We’re going to delve into this again. When it comes to the topic remembering something that is important.

Communication

(Skype Era) The whole ordeal with communication was always a problem. Spinner realized this and took the concept into account. I trusted them enough the chance to talk it out... But my trust was abused in the process. As they later decided to stop being open and they began to pin blame on me if I chose not to speak.

There was a point in time in the (Texting Era) where it was agreed we would try talking problems out. But I was the only one who confessed problems and it was held against me if I wasn’t the one talking. And, admittedly, I start to get quiet if I am the only one talking or nervous because it began to feel one-sided. Instead of Spinner fleshing out matters that I apparently I misunderstood. I was told I was wrong but there was no details on what. And the same matter happened again during the Skype Era.

Making it feel like Spinner held me to an unfair expectation.

I’m going to go down the line to past conversations...

*** August 29th - Part 1 ***  (Pre Skype Era)

*** August 29th - Part 2 ***  (Pre Skype Era)

Hold on...

*** August 29th - Part 3 *** (Pre-Skype Era)

^ Remember this snippet for me. We’re gonna need it.

*** September 8th 2014 ***

*** October 4th 2014 - Part 1 ***

*** October 4th 2014 - Part 2 ***

*In regards to the mental illness thing I was always and still am very uncomfortable with explaining it.I will skid around it because the mention of it feels like an excuse. The mental illness point will rear it’s head once more in a later segment.

*** October 23rd 2014 - Part 1 ***

*** October 23rd  - Part 2 ***

*** October 23rd - Part 3 ***

Yes, the two points were explained and mentioned in later segments (See October 24th and November 16th). I am someone who needs time to talk over things. Usually to collect my thoughts or if I feel as though it’s not appropriate; I’ll save it for another day. Talking about problems mentally exhaust me. But I am willing to explain if given time.

*** October 24th 2014 ***

*** November 16th 2014 ***

I feel like this one speaks for itself since a lot was discussed. So I’m not going to say much in regards to this.

*** January 1st 2015 ***

I was debating on adding this but, since it struck something emotion-wise, I figure I’d talk about it.

I ended up getting nervous seeing this pop up since it tore at old wounds. Funny enough Spinner mentions it because the situation reminded them of me. But that didn’t give me any remote comfort and made me panic. Spinner had the tendency to kick up old sores. Plus, having DPD, what they said in the first message neer sat well with me. 

Seasonal Depression 

I don’t know... If I should make a section for this or not. Mostly because this entire  To put this section bluntly; I suffer from S.A.D also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder. Simply because anything after the middle of November 2014 could be placed here. 

I suppose, really, take this section with a grain of salt. I suffer from seasonal depression and have for the past serveral years. Not sure if it has affected me before then, as my memory is fuzzy. First and foremost, I am very emotionally distressed at this time. I'm weighted down with a lot of negativity and each year I get plenty of suicidal ideations. In short, I am mentally unstable. And Spinner was aware of that.

*** January 16th 2015 Part 1 ***

Conversations got awkward fast. Admittedly, I get on the defensive side when people start making things awkward for me. I could have settled for a “I need to go. Goodbye” but instead I feel like I my get flaws picked at for not feeling well.

*** January 16th 2015 Part 2 ****

While Spinner tried to act caring it was more the complete opposite. Since they were being forceful with their approach and less sincere. Then add the addition to blaming me for my mental illnesses and... yeah. Spinner liked to constantly put me in spot for my mental issues and smtoms then make complaints about them afterwards. They’d also try to make it seem as if they were not blaming my mental illnesses--- But that was a poor lie.

Sizing Up

00. Dating a Minor + Sexual Discussion with Minor(s) + Actively mocking/ignoring a sexual assault victim 

Another reluctant topic from me but...    

- On the subject of dating a minor.

(Pre Texting Era - Texting Era) At the age of 20 Spinner started dating a 16 year old. There's a rough 4 year age gap. I never personally cared over the relationship (or remotely hearing about it) but it would be mentioned around me anyways with no checking on my comfort for the topic.

So I'd get small stories here and there. All of them making me 100% uncomfortable. One of them being the fact that Spinner's partner's parents had found out about the relationship and the two weren't allowed to talk anymore. But I remember hearing from Spinner that they would still communicate. Even after a while Spinner invited them to one of the websites I frequented on and it made me even more uncomfortable. 

There was even a time when Spinner began talking about them when I was in the middle of eating and the only thing I could muster up was a "I feel sick" and their reply was "Sorry my happiness makes you sick". Which was a kick in the head .

- On the topic of sexual discussion with minors.

(Pre Texting Era) I knew Spinner since I was say... 14 or 15. I know we'd talk on MSN and Though, it's sad, I remember Spinner not really knowing my real age and when I said I was 15. I got a "Oh, I thought you were younger" and given the subjects they mentioned around me sort of unnerved me. I know sometimes, and for some reason, Spinner kept a random "anniversary" date for having a threesome with some of their friends. I was lucky enough to get a laugh out of that one instead of discomfort.

(Texting Era) There was a time when we were texting and there was a sudden lack of replies. So I sent a "Ummm..." after a while. Spinner later replied with "Oh sorry. I usually only talk about this to my partner". Which honestly wasn't something I needed to know? To add injury to insult I had previously told them about my discomfort over these masturbation subjects and they had also stated something alone the lines of "I know you're not comfortable with these things". Meaning instead of ending the conversation and making up a small lie, I got silence (which kicked at my anxieties and Spinner was also aware of this) and them knowingly bringing up topics that discomfort me. And to add to it they talk about their sexual talk to their underaged partner when I never said I wanted to know!

- Also for the final subject... I am someone who is sex repulsed and hate conversations involving sex/masturbation. I have... My reasons... but I have yet to speak of these details publicly and now isn’t the time to start nor I really owe anyone an explanation for this subject.

Spinner never asked me about my comfort over these subjects. they just came up.

Ignoring -

So we had a roleplay. It kinda border-lined with sex around the beginning of it but we’d cut out or skip times. There was was a time during the roleplay that we didn’t cut away. I was going somewhere that morning (my mother wanted to go to iHop for breakfast) and I was hoping we’d cut away and kinda pick up from there. So I commentated on being surprised that the roleplay was going this far and Spinner stated that they “wanted to see who would chicken out first”. So instead of, y’know, asking if I was OK with this.

I would

Mocking - Apparently one of the golden rules to roleplaying is to not relate a character to the person roleplaying them. But Spinner liked to make little insults over one of my characters when it came to sex scenes in RPs. Saying she was ‘too slow’ because while Spinner wrote about five actions a character would do I would write less due to my discomfort.

I’d get more insults from them. About how my characters seemed inexperienced with sex and things of that like. So they would actively take jabs at them--jabs at me for not wanting to write these things.

Rape Jokes -

.... I’m really uncomfortable typing this but....

(Texting Era) But Spinner would make rapes jokes around me. Mostly about characters from our roleplay. Usually if I said a character of mine wouldn't like having intercourse with someone they'd say something along the lines of "They can't resist that sweet release" and other things like that... Sigh.

Besides talking to minors about sex there is one more thing I almost forgot to mention: - During our talks about our roleplay we made ships and discussed a couple. I had mentioned I would have shipped one of my characters with theirs if she was older in the canon since their personalities were similar. When Spinner asked about her I explained and showed them a picture. They then said they'd match mine with a different character. I felt a bit uncomfortable and wanted to make the point the character was still a child, but perhaps she could see Spinner's character as something like a older sibling. And the reply "Oh that's OK. I can ship big sister little sister too".... And... just...???

Fandom Stuff

I couldn't think of a proper title for this one. It mostly pertains to me speaking about certain media I like to Spinner. This one will probably sound silly over how this effected me, but Spinner would usually put down things I liked. Take this section with a grain of salt. Though, there is a little bit about a particular media with rape in it that Spinner mentions to me... So there’s that.

Texting Era - I'm a skittish person who rarely talks about media. But I did try to see what Spinner liked. Usually I’d introduce them to something and they’d seem to like something. I’d talk about it and suddenly they disliked it.

There was even a website I adored (a petsite, similar to Neopets) and when I mentioned it, the only thing I got was "Ew, [WEBSITE NAME], ew!". 

00. "You deserve it”

Texting Era - I think this could be categorized under some form of abuse but let’s bring up the topic of being left in the dark in terms of updates. In January 2014 Spinner had come around to the idea that updating me would help settle my anxieties. But when I asked “Are you sure?” their reply was a “Yes. You deserve it. You are very important to me.”

Those three words broke my heart. A request that was denied because it was apparent that I did not deserve something to settle my anxiety.

The kicker? Spinner gets nervous if I don’t say anything on the rare occasions (because it is apparent I can not make mistakes) and one slip-up will have them at my throat about it. In fact, there was a time when a condition of mine had me fainting during a trip to the grocery store. The instance was terrifying and embarrassing. But I had told Spinner that I would be unable to talk for a while since I was worried that the condition could be a sign to something serious. My mother had checked up on me in between texting and I was gone for about 15 minutes after she was asking how I was doing. Spinner started sending messages to make me feel shitty for having a disability that effected my psychical health.

00. Saneism / Ableism

Fact: When writing this document I had NO IDEA Saneism was a thing--meaning I never knew this specific word existed. If I knew it did, I would have used it in better with certain context. Not like I’d make much of a difference since Spinner invalidated my mental illnesses even when I told them which ones I had. 

*** October 30 + November 1st ***

OK so. The whole "think what you want" subject is sketchy and always has been. It has been stated that it is not intended to hurt me BUT it hurt a lot. And it was said frequently during the Texting Era and the moment it cropped up in the Skype Era--It made me tense.

Also, a fair note that Spinner does say that the phrase is used during fights with their mother. And apparently their own mother says the same thing. Meaning they were using something from an abusive relationship onto me on purpose.

But the main reason why it upsets me because, yes, hearing people say things along those lines are mocking my psychosis. 

It becomes a "oh I don't care about your thoughts, they are not valid so I will leave it as that". It becomes a form of mockery. It becomes a form of invalidation. It becomes form of dismissal. And it causes me to start dissociating the moment it’s said. Especially as someone with invasive and unclear thoughts, I had told Spinner about my psychosis. I had stated I had psychotic tendencies and features--but after speaking with a (different) therapist--It’s not just ‘tendencies’ and is just psychosis at this point. Sadly, be it the entirety of a mental illness or having some symptoms to it-- I do not take ignorance as an excuse for certain subjects. Nor do I have to if it cuts deep. And Spinner has abused my trust by talking about subjects that I make VERY CLEAR that I do not like something. No matter how serious it was to me--Spinner just didn’t care. I know they didn’t because it was not uncommon for me to get a “I know you don’t like this subject but--” when that subject was something we never had to talk about during the Texting Era. 

And I learned something, thought I didn't realize it until it was all said and done: Apologies don't mend everything. I was a bit ignorant on the subject myself but I did learn a few things reading my own posts again. Just felt like stating this in.

And I was always on edge after explaining things. My triggers, my disorders. Spinner automatically stepped on them just to shame me and hurt me on purpose. Bringing up topics I had done years ago and even made amends to.

And I can’t even have any form of negativity. Even in the Skype Era Spinner just made false promises to listening to me and hearing me out. Instead I was FORCED to believe they were a completely changed person in the span of 6 months. I was not allowed to have the emotions of a victim. I was not allowed to be hurt or behave as though I was hurt. I was put under expectations of not feeling abused... by my own abuser! 

My fears? Invalid.  My thoughts on the past? Invalid.

And it made me frightened. I started dissociating even more and I immediatley second guessed myself. I didn’t know what to do. And I was already at a loss because I didn’t want to talk to my friends--especially my depended for comfort--because I questioned if it was OK to talk to people. I have DPD--Dependent Personality Disorder--I need people around for advice. I need help with decisions. I grew up in a an abusive household where someone made all of my decisions. And you’d think that would be a given with a parent and child but what my parent did was excessively controlling and it molded me into a scared person who feels like I do everything is wrong. So I seek advice. I seek validation.

But what does Spinner do? 

I get accusations. I feel ashamed that I have a disorder. I feel ashamed that I function differently and need others to remotely feel like I deserve anything or have people who care. I feel ashamed for asking for help.  But that’s shunned out. And even when apparently I don’t have to stop talking to my friends, I do. Because I start questioning how I go about things. And it tore me down. I did stop talking to my friends, and it made me internalize a lot of stuff. 

And I feel frustrated. That friends who actually bother to show more amounts of affection than Spinner ever bothered to are painted as bad people right in front of me. Spinner turns the situation into a joke and implies I take nothing seriously. Claiming we're mocking them behind closed doors. This accusation hurt. It hurt a lot. Because I knew it wasn't the truth. I had friends who cared and would take time out of their schedules to be with me.

My friends and I have healthy relationships. I really enjoy my current group of friends and I love my dependent. I get encouragement to vent if I need too. My friends will also vent if they want. I get praised if I offer good advice. And I feel comfort when I get their reassurance. They do not treat me like a nuisance for venting--which is something Spinner did--Spinner also baited me into talking to just complain about me. It’s a happy little circle with no fighting. Mistakes happen but I learned not to take it to heart. The people I have with me are open-minded and don’t pressure me or force me into things. They do not heavily criticize me. They acknowledge I have emotional complications. They do not make excuses if I am offended and apologize promptly. Though, there rarely is ever any offence. Usually just unintentional mistakes. But even they have enough dignity to apologize instead of belittling me for having a shred of emotion like Spinner did.

Because Spinner just expected me to soak up the abuse like a sponge instead of bothering to acknowledge things.

BONUSES:

*** September 8th 2014 ***

OK. . .

*** November 20th 2014 ***

“I hope that doesn’t happen again”

... Ahahaha... (:

00. An unheard voice

While having a friend looking over this something I hadn’t thought of was brought up.

And that thought was the choices Spinner took to ‘keep me happy’ and using it against me. I actually… Blamed myself a lot for mentioning things that made me happy. But I was reassured it’s not bad if I don’t want to be alone or have fears of it. But I never asked Spinner to do a couple of those things-–and they were later held against me. Spinner would say things like “I’m jumping through hoops” and things of those like just to make me feel like shit. I never liked seeing it mentioned because Spinner was doing things I said I liked–-But I didn’t want to keep them to certain expectations. But Spinner was insistant and I didn’t argue. It doesn’t mean I didn’t try to say something since I expressed how uncomortable I was. I just honestly hate the feeling of mentioning things that keep me happy and then it’s held against me afterwards. Because sometimes those 'happy’ things are heavy fantasies and I don’t just tell people to do "X” just because.

So I felt like I couldn’t really express myself without Spinner holding my own feelings over my head. Because the only thing they were doing was taking a concept and beating it over my head in expectation that I was supposed to be happy over it. When, really, they were just trying to be cruel and manipulative instead caring and genuine.

Then Spinner starting crumbling under the weight of it. It wasn’t what I wanted. And it hurt me too. I didn’t want my fantasies to be taken care of. I have worries and, I admit, I rely on others for my happiness too much. But it’s not smething I can help. I knew it was going to be draining and I did have to constantly say that I hold no expectations but they were ignored. And I became more withdrawn, and paranoid, because part of me knew Spinner would start throwing my own emotions back at me like they usually do. Honestly, I’m not sure if “concepts” or “fantasies” are the correct words. Take them for what you will, I suppose.

In a previous message I mentioned that Spinner did nothing to make it better–I was saying it because of this. They made it seem like I had an expectation–only to twist it around to make it look like I was ungrateful over what they were doing. I got massive deja vu over the topic of “I love you"s. But we’ll get to that later… I wasn’t ungrateful nor was I trying to be. I knew what Spinner was doing but I got uncomfortable and began to withdraw and even get intimidated by their actions.

I honestly just wish Spinner hadn’t taken it upon themself. Or if they did–that they didn’t string me along with it if they continously insisted when I said I was uncomfortabble. I honestly wish Spinner didn’t pin the blame on me for having desires and not wanting people to act upon them. They are only desires and, as much as I hated to mention it to Spinner, a few people had been doing those things I already. In the 'natural’ sense. That I had not requested that they do that particular thing for me so it was part of our routine or they acted on their own instinct to be around.

I didn’t want Spinner to fill the gaps for my needs because I am dependant on friends and… Well, this is from the Texting Era but Spinner liked to shove me away a lot. I know Spinner mentions making me the important one compared to friends/family/hobbies but boy did they try to beat the shit out of my emotions when they gave me their attention–which made their statement pretty worthless. There was less devotion than there was anger. In fact, the only bit of “devotion” they gave me was being around me often. But they never started conversations or even bothered saying “goodbye”–the latter always worrying me. There was so much anger and so many insults towards my dependancy. I NEVER mentioned the problem to Spinner because I knew they were going to ignore it.

It was also why I tried telling Spinner that the concept of saying “I love you” around me came with conditions. Because the word was abused around me alot growing up–and Spinner abused it because they would hurt me on purpose and claim how important I was and that they "loved me”. I even regret trying to forgive Spinner on the whole subject. Because they’ve managed to soil a few other phrases of affection around me.

*** February 3rd 2014 ***  (Post Texting Era) Sad fact; I didn’t save the conversations when the relationship ended. Because, again, I wasn’t planning on making something like this. I sort of kept this screenshot saved, but hadn’t saved much else. The website this happened on had limited space when it comes to the inbox. :/

The second paragraph and last paragraph, the one about forgiveness and a neglectful relationship, makes my point when it comes to the neglect. Spinner RARELY apologized over their actions of insisted what they were doing wasn’t a bad thing. Just so I could be the one in the wrong or they’d mock me because I only “start shit”. Along with the lack of apologies; my feelings or whatever affected me was RARELY acknowledged. So basically Spinner told me “I did X for you and that’s supposed to erase X because I determine what emotions you’re supposed to feel when I hurt you.” Because Spinner just expected me to forgive and forget when no apologies were stated or them using the “If that’s what you think OK” tactic. 

The “fake suicide messages” was a lie. Not in the sense that I lied to Spinner about fake suicidal thoughts, though. I would send messages talking about my suicidal ideations. Usually, they’d happen around late fall and winter (I have S.A.D which is in affect at this time). I guess I did it around Spinner so much that started to make accusations that I was only doing it for attention–which I wasn’t. I had no one else to talk to at that time and a lot of the stuff they did when harassing me put me into panic attacks and certain insults they threw at me made me contemplate suicide A LOT on a daily to weekly basis “a lot”. I was at a loss for words when the accusations came up and said I was doing it for attention just to hide the truth. I had never had anyone say something like that to me and I wasn’t really one to argue back then. It did paint Spinner as a shitty person for it, though. Especially when their final message was basically a “I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU” when it was nothing more than Spinner thinking they could cover something up and it would heal on it’s own. And it happened again. Because they don’t address problems. They ignore it and they ignore the people involved to make false claims about “caring” for someone.

Spinner reminded me of my mother a lot. Just someone who tries to inflate their good side when the bad comes up–and they do it in the all the worst ways. Beating down someone else to do so, ignoring it, or not taking a shred of responsibility over the subject at hand. Spinner would run away or flip things onto me when I tried speaking up for myself.  Especially on personal subjects that I did to keep myself happy or my own “quirks” as Spinner called them.

Speaking of which....

  Texting Era: Spinner called my mental illness symptoms “quirks” and stated that they hated them.   A few examples would be my anxiety. I’d get panicky and anxious easily. Be it talking to other people or just nervous in the abusive household I was in. I have psychosis. I hallucinations and would get scared. Spinner would usually brush those things off in front of me. I was also very paranoid with medication of any kind (e.g. cough medication) and apparently that warranted Spinner to get angry at me for having my own lifestyle because they found that stupid. I also have invasive thoughts so I’d flip subjects around or get distracted easily and change the topic to something else.

There’s also certain subjects that Spinner brought up that I personally didn’t give a fuck over (e.g. masturbation or mentions of their underage boyfriend) and that also warranted them getting angry at me and if I expressed my disgust. Especially after making it clear these topics made me uncomfortable. Sexual disgust isn't a part of my mental illness. But who knows if Spinner categorized my sexuality as a "quirk" so I'll add it here.

And a common reaction would be them getting frustrated at me for having symptoms or, heaven forbid, standards.

I didn’t want to be controlling and just let them do what they wanted. But my offence came from what they were doing and the complaints that they were doing something that I liked and I wasn’t having the appropriate reaction–and I told them why and it’s usually brushed off. Or it’s insisted that they have to keep doing something to keep me happy. And it felt like I was being treated as if I was stupid the entire time. That I was meant to soak up their abusive tactics just to make them happy. My happiness NEVER seemed like a factor in these scenarios.

Spinner acted a bit too doting during the Skype era. If such behavior had happened during the Texting Era I would have enjoyed it–Since Spinner was considered my Dependend in that Texting Era. During the Skype Era, though.. Everything felt so forced. I know Spinner tried having the better mindset but I knew if I caved in for their affection–things wouldn’t have ended well. They didn’t like it when I smothered them with my attention–and I mostly did it because of how it seemed like they hated me and I wanted to make things better. But, at the very end of the relationship Spinner had mentioned not wanting me around anymore and one of the last things they stated  was that they hated how clingy I was. Though the week before they would claim how “important” I was. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. Because I do have a problem with being clingy and I got so scared if I showed my weakness around Spinner–I’d end up ridiculed or insulted about it because all they really ever did was complain about my mental illnesses. I’m not proud of having DPD, I am aware people don’t like “clingy” people. This problem has been stated by one of my previous therapists and I have been untreated since then. I don’t know what to do and I’m usually confused. I’m a bit like a child when it comes to the problem so I do need to rely on others for my happiness or I need guidance or someone to talk to if I am distressed. (So if you’re wondering why the topics of my friends hurt a lot or why I’m ~over-emotional~ over being treated poorly; you should maybe do some research on people with DPD.) Having Spinner complain about it hurt because it is a problem. A problem that is hard to work with and I try to get around it but with other mental habits in place–it’s hard to socialize with others properly anymore. And I didn’t want Spinner to tear away at my chronic problems just because they didn’t like my “quirks” or how I could not be independent. It’s shameful being an adult with this problem and having someone doing their best to insult you over it. I’m even sure that if I confessed the problem to Spinner in the Texting Era there would have been so many complaints. I kept quiet about it since my anxiety was hardly (or not at all, really) taken into account until things the damage was done.

That and it felt like Spinner didn’t treat me like an individual-–sometimes it made me feel like I was being treated as a part of them. And I absolutely despised this feeling. So I would end up pulling away and try to mention that I am different from them.

Then there’s times when Spinner says they don’t think they can be the perfect person. I have to repeatedly say I hold no expectations. But Spinner wanted to pin the blame on me somehow.  Especially on something I never requested. I even state that I am uncomfortable and Spinner still manages to bypass those sorts of things only to give me backlash over it. Just so i’m the person they can point fingers at.  And they do nothing more than lock anything I can to speak up like their hypocrisy.

It doesn’t make me happy. It makes me uncomfortable. I state that I do not want this to happen. And Spinner manages to corrupt another meaning of affection around me about how much they “care”. But they didn’t.

The saddest thing is that I KNOW Spinner was trying but once they started flipping the tables on me for something I tried mentioning put me in a state of discomfort; it was hard to tell if they were trying to make me comfortable or just try to upset me.

So in a nutshell it was a: Me: I like it when people do X around me because I makes me feel good. Spinner: I can try doing that. Me: No. You changing those sorts of things are not something I want and it will make me uncomfortable. Spinner: I’ll do it anyways. Me: I’m uncomfortable and scared now. Spinner: -makes a long paragraph complaining how my emotions and happiness are being put first and how they are jumping through hoops because they are doing something I didn’t request for them to do-

And I had to tell Spinner I didn’t want these things. But I did want some of my problems taken to mind and they so very rarely did that the “If that’s what you think OK” (or basically anything similar) insult being one of them because it’s a slam to my psychosis. There was less trying to understand and just “Yuni apparently wants this even though they just said they don’t want this so I will do this”. I guess i’ll be happy this reltionship ended. Spinner treated me like shit and they expect me to be OK with it just because they are “jumping through hoops” over things I didn’t request. As if good intentions means it’s perfectly OK to thrown someone in uncomfortable areas.

I never had to accept their love or care begin with and now I realize how worthless it was. I fooled myself into thinking they really cared and bit my tongue and tried to go along with their actions. But I became uncomfortable and Spinner seemed bent on changing–it just scared me. Because the change was happening due to something I said and I would have honestly been fine if things were done slowly and subtly, instead of a direct spit to the face.   Or we could have taken a much easier procedure if Spinner wanted to quit talking–the way they worded things made me uncomfortable because Spinner has the tendency to pick a much ruder approach towards something instead of doing something more casual. But instead I was blamed for having little likes and wishes (and human emotions).

Someone was there for those certain things. For talking, helping, and she dotes over me a lot. I did my best not to get clingy with Spinner because I was scared I’d annoy them like in the texting era. So I did not want them to do anything that gave me a lot of attention and I still got the heavy burn for it.

And, admittedly, part of of me has that self-doubt that I have no right to say this. But Spinner was putting my own emotions over my head. With the 'jumping through hoops’ and things of that like–But they were doing things I never asked for.

Literally, the things I had asked for was: - Wanting to be updated if we weren’t going to talk for a while. - Not wanting Spinner to mention their lover around me. (Read the “Dating a Minor” section of this document for reasons.) - Wanting Spinner not to say anything like “If that’s what you think, OK” or “Sorry you think that way” because they are taken as blaming notions and a insult to my psychosis. (Spinner can say that it wasn’t a blaming notion/ableism but, due to the amount of damage I took from the words during the Texting Era, I ultimately took what Spinner said as a form of denial because of how much it felt like they were stunting me and cutting my feelings off.)

The 'sexual talk’ thing was never mentioned by me again. We made a bunch of sex jokes for characters, ect. I can handle fictional sex/fetishes/whatever in a better manner. No mention of masturbation or personal things like that from Spinner didn’t really cause the need for me to ask for it not being mentioned. But that DEFINITELY would have been a request to keep out of conversations because Spinner talking about those were disgusting to me.

Insulting One’s Flaws -

(All of these are Texting Era.)

- So as stated in the “Dating a Minor” subject I had a bit of trouble with the concept of love. I’d get a squish with someone and Spinner would pick fun at me. Which always jabbed at me because I always had the mindset that I’d never find love in life and would live/die alone. So the topic was sensitive.

- Spinner would pick fun over my voice on the few occasions we were on the phone. Saying that I sounded like a “school girl”. This is also back then I didn’t like being related to anything feminine and that was addressed to Spinner beforehand.

- On a particular website we hung out on; there is a greeting section for new users. I made a simple joke of taking a bite out of the new user since their icon was a food item. One of the older members made a post after mine with something along the lines of “*hits Yuni with newspaper*”. I felt a bit nervous after seeing that, even though the joke was meant to be fun and harmless. And Spinner sent me a text laughing about it and I could only sit in the ridicule.

(Note: I’d bring up the topic of Spinner claiming my friends and I make fun about them behind closed doors. (Which we never did.) But it’s so sad to recall all of the times Spinner made fun of me directly at me.)

The last one is sort of why I never liked the idea of Spinner stalking me because there’d be something they’d pick at from me. Be it to ridicule me or push at my buttons.

Annnddd there had been a time when someone on DarkSpyro didn’t get along with me and Spinner stuck into my business. Or they’d purposely bring up the person out of the blue–when they clearly knew neither of us were friends.  And, personally, to this day I do not know what the person’s problem with me was. I had preferred not knowing because I felt bullied by this person. But I noticed Spinner liked to rip open wounds so thinking back at it now doesn’t surprise me.

I have a decent sense of humor over myself, but it doesn’t mean I can not be sensitive. I am VERY sensitive and get scared easily. But Spinner ridiculed me over a lot of things and it just felt like they looked around to find something to pick at or try to bring up subjects that made me uncomfortable.

Putting Others in Front of Oneself + Spinner talking shit about their 'friends’

So…  Putting others in front of yourself Is not a bad thing. Putting yourself before others isn’t bad–but there’s a fine line to it.

And i’m going to point at both. So, in the midst of us apologizing after the break-up. Spinner had stated that I was put in front of everything else. Which was never something I asked for. I asked for an update if we weren’t going to talk a lot or if Spinner needed a break. I’d get a lot of backlash when asking politely because Spinner took as a form of offense. Or it was treated like that. Instead of getting an update, Spinner would spend a lot of time with me. They never spoke up about it–nor were they direct. Giving me passive aggressive remarks that only stuck to me like insults to my mental illnesses.

I would get “I don’t have to change” comment from them. And Spinner would then beat me down over not finding comfort in them. Though, it’s sad, there had been days when Spinner would say they were reliable. It was a “I care when I feel like it” type of thing.

Spinner would also say that they always put others in front of themselves. As if it was meant to size them self up or give them form of positive status (to erase any abuse given to me.

Though, it’s funny… Spinner often talked shit about people they apparently put in front of them self.  They’d tell me about Crystal Dragon and Wild on Darkspyro and seldom had anything good to say. Or that they disliked them or mentioned things that they didn’t like them doing. Be it their quirks or somethings involving roleplays.

Boy, it’s great to know Spinner puts people in front of themselves, boast about it, then talk shit about them when they’re not around. What an amazing thing to do! Instead of being modest, Spinner merely tried to make a point to beat my emotions down. It was also clear they were just trying to shame me. It worked the first few times but then I thought about what they said about their 'friends’ on DarkSpyro and Spinner’s self-proclaimed nobility was nothing but a false way to pin me down. After a while I began to side-glance Spinner’s little 'phrasing’. I think if I was in a relationship with someone who put my feelings first (which wasn’t something Spinner really did because I was almost never asked on how I felt about things or I was ignored completely) I don’t think them talking shit about me behind my back would be appreciated.

I think the last thing I really have to say is that I feel sorry for the next person who gets mistreated by them and only gets a backhanded “Oh, I put everyone else before myself” reply as an excuse for any neglect or abuse they get.

<3

(Note: I could practically add this note to THE MAJORITY of these screencaps but just take a little note on Spinner's "Don't assign emotions to me because it's abusive" remark... Then watch them make accusations on my emotions, making decisions for me without running a single thing by me, and even deciding my friends emotions out of sheer convenience. They were the ones who made the claim on what's abuse but just point a hypocritical finger at someone only to do the same thing. An extra note would be the fact that Spinner didn't want me mentioning their hypocritisism... Just more of them wanting me to soak up their abuse like a sponge.)

[lomps-blog]

I uh. Got the colors mixed up.

EDIT: AND BY “MIxed up” I mean I used darker shades of blue and brown on Emmet.

[asutori-remade-deactivated20191]

i haven’t even played this game

[mothexe-deactivated20160119]

“gays will push their sexuality onto their children”

funny because that’s exactly what every straight person does.

[hollifo]

“Look at little Emma and her future husband! SO cute!” (literally two 3 month olds flailing on a baby mat)   “Ooh, a friend? Is Samantha your GIRLFRIEND, Johnny?” (4 year old boy expressing he has made a friend at school)  “You’ve been friends with Michael for a while now haven’t you? Would you like to marry him when you’re older?” (8 year old girl, male best friend)

[meangirlnurse]

“He’s such a ladies’ man!” (tiny infant responding positively and smiling vacantly in response to the attention of adult human women) 

[dryyoureyes-startbelieving]

I’m proud of you.

I’m telling you this because someone should. (via dryyoureyes-startbelieving)

[cosmicallyavg]

protect the sex-repulsed asexuals who are too often told to “grow up” and “act mature” when they react accordingly towards sexual things

[confirmance]

do you ever like randomly wake up in the middle of the night check your social networks then go back to sleep 

[artsyfeathersartsyblog]

coooome ooooon tumblr!

EDIT: YES! I am so sorry for the multiple posts this morning Ugh. Tumblr would not allow this image to go up properly. Either way… I just wanted to wish all you beautiful people a~

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

[jaesama]

Visit Original Link

[slimmeroo]

holy shit

[songbirdsofthesea]

I read somewhere that sirens/mermaids sang songs that they heard from sailors on passing ships. I imagine this is what a modern siren would sound like singing this song.

[tendermiasma]

If you were a dragon, what would you hoard?

put it in the tags!

[shelgon]

[oneterabyteofkilobyteage]

original url http://www.geocities.com/Petsburgh/Zoo/2411/

last modified 1999-11-16 22:37:02

[momunofu-deactivated20150808]

Pietà

[gateato]

Jumped on the bandwagon. Here are some Espeon variations.

[sixpenceee]

These crystal Poke Balls hold a 3D etched pokemon inside them that glows with the LED light base. From Etsy shop owner PokeMsterCrafter

[yrbff]

we got you this puppy. her name is winnie.

[artist-refs]

This is VERY IMPORTANT REFERENCE >U>;;

[clownjpg]

the funniest and best thing i’ve learned while doing research for this shakespeare project is that in the late 19th century, there was this group called the american acclimatization society and their thing was bringing european plants and animals to the u.s. so one member was this guy named eugene schieffelin and he was like obsessed with shakespeare, so he went, “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we tracked down EVERY SPECIES OF BIRD SHAKESPEARE EVER MENTIONED and brought them ALL to America” so he rounded up like a hundred European starlings and released them in central park, and now there are upwards of 200 million starlings in North America and they cause around $1 billion worth of damage to crops every year, all because shakespeare mentioned them exactly ONCE in Henry IV part 1

[eroscestlavie]

#the shakespeare fandom is wild