Unorthodox

| Undecided | Introverted | Complicated |

[minsantamad]

I love it when people people doubt me, leaves more room for me to prove them wrong

[minsantamad]

Rock bottom and alone, I then realized I only need myself to help myself climb back up

[minsantamad]

Surrounded by a lot of friends yet I still feel alone

[minsantamad]

I never moved on. I'm just slowly getting used to the pain of losing her

But I’ll never

[minsantamad]

You'll only know how much you'll grieve for someone once you've lost them

[minsantamad]

Sometimes, we pretend to be happy not to show that we're strong but rather, for us to find someone who can see through our fake smiles and tell us that they know that we are not okay

[minsantamad]

Remembering her smile is now the reason I cry

[minsantamad]

Don't ask me how I am, I wouldn't tell the truth anyway

[minsantamad]

She was too young and sweet for this old cruel world to take

[minsantamad]

I can only watch

She was in pain, slowly dying.

I was alone with her as I watch her suffer on the hospital bed.

I was holding back my tears. 

“Not now, you’re still not home, you need to be strong” I keep telling myself while holding back my tears.

I was beside her, she was unconscious but writhing in pain.

I’m trying to hold her still while whispering to her, “Please don’t move, you need to rest”

Heart rates dropping, Oxygen levels lowering, she was flat-lining, and I was watching.

I was told to go out, and prepare for the worst.

Doctor came out told me this is the 5th cycle, after this they couldn’t continue.

“I guess this is the end” - I convinced myself.

The nurse came out, saying she somehow got revived.

I went back to see her again..

She was...in much more pain.

My knees suddenly got weak

My tears being held back but about to fall out.

But again I stopped myself, for I still need to be strong for her sake

I looked at her face, difficulty breathing, suffering, and slowly dying.

I held her hand, colder, but still has some warmth to it.

My hand was shaking, my mind is breaking, I wanted to break down and cry but I couldn’t.

I went close to her ear and whispered to her: 

“I love you, you know that. I hope you do.”

My voice was starting to shake, I looked at her face again, gasping hard for air, in pain.

“It’s ok if you don’t wanna fight anymore, you can rest now” - I thought in my mind of telling her. But I was too weak to tell her. I knew I wasn’t ready for that.

“They’re going to visit you tomorrow ok? So rest well and we can meet them” - I told her one last time then the doctor told me I need to wait outside again.

I went out, trying as hard as I can to not think about the current situation, distracting myself.

Around 2 hours later I was called by the nurse. “Your mom, we tried our best but she’s gone now”

For a second, my entire world crumbled.

I just wanted to break down and cry. 

“Not yet” I convinced myself in that moment.

“Oh...I see that’s too bad, so what’s the next step I should do?” - It was fake I tried to act strong, calm and composed. It worked but the more I tried to hide it the more it was breaking me inside

I was told to wait until the papers are released.

I sat there waiting, feeling empty.

I didn’t care about anything anymore.

I don’t feel anything

I just wanted to go home

So I can finally stop pretending to be strong.

[minsantamad]

Of all the weapons you fight with, your silence is the most violent

Tell me how

[minsantamad]

I can't call you a stranger, but I can't call you

Tell me how

[minsantamad]

I give advice on dealing with depression even when I need it as well

[minsantamad]

Cheaters may win at first, but they will never learn in the end

[minsantamad]

They can't get inside your head if you're out of it

[minsantamad]

You'll realize her worth once she realizes you didn't deserve her

[minsantamad]

You said we can go back to being friends again but why are you treating me like a stranger now?