When she sees what’s left of the mark he feels ashamed and unable to hide it. The mark reminds him of all the things he was stripped from, parents who were no longer allowed to consider him a priority, stripped from his family home, power and everything he took for granted. It reminds him he was weak, it’s a constant reminder he isn’t grand but a pathetic human being. It’s a sign of the shame he feels, not because he was in the wrong side of the war but for entirely selfish reasons, he was stripped from his individuality and from everything he thought he owned.
That hesitant and lonely kiss had crossed the universe from his cold and tough skin to settle permanently in his system. A sense of property had suddenly filled his heart, giving him the ownership he will never shake off as if that kiss and that kiss alone, not even her as a person belongs only to him; it’s his and no one could steal that from him, not even her.
She smiled shyly after the brief innocent kiss, still unable to face him and unaware she had given him the only possession he could never be stripped from.
“For those very precious minutes he was far away in a world of his own with Ginny, dreaming within soft kisses and shy touches, trembling under the clumsy grasps at his neck, holding him as if he mattered, as if he finally meant something for someone, an uninterested kind of affection he had never thought existed, at least not for him to savor. Later that evening, tossing around in bed and unable to sleep he had realized it would take a few centuries to wrench her from his mind. He’s certain now that everything she’s forgotten he’s cursed to summon forever”.
Sweet Impressions (or The one with the first night pt3)
“You haven’t been, don’t worry” He smiled politely, his hazel eyes tracing sparks of shyness under her prying stare. Unlike her, he had never delved for long into identity matters, he also knew exactly who he was, what his motivations were and how life had shaped him into the person he is now but he didn’t spend his time analyzing every aspect of his personality. He always had better things to do, another mountain to climb. He also had never talked about this with anybody, he never saw a need for it, there was no point in giving it more importance than it had. Tonight though an incredibly odd urgency to reciprocate her honesty had settled in between his thoughts, he found himself almost eager to share private details he had never mentioned to a soul before, he barely even shared them with himself.
“Sometimes it felt like I wasn’t there” He began, trying to avoid her look for as long as possible. He settled in the window behind her, where the first rays of sunshine flickered through the space uncovered by the curtain. His hand lingered loosely on her back, still very much attached to her body.
“It’s like I wasn’t there or at least not entirely. Since I was a kid I could step away from my circle and see it from the outside, many times I didn’t like what I saw and the other times I would at least question a number of them” His tone calmed and determined “I would step out of the situation and see from the outside, every behavior almost as a rule we had to follow or other things that were not to be changed or moved. I would question things no one else did, no one else seemed to care about. None of the things bothered me enough to drop them and anyway” He paused “It wasn’t in my power to ever leave them” She thought there had been a tiny hint of melancholy in his voice at that last statement but was quickly hidden away from sight.
“Since I was very young I’ve been well aware of the stereotypes people think about when they see me” Lya smiled softly knowing she had been just like everyone else, giving him one and a thousand labels without actually being sure of any; she dropped her eyes out of embarrassment allowing him a short spot of rest from her curious look. She adjusted her position an inch away from him but without taking her arm away from his body.
“Rich, smart, valedictorian, kind, friendly extroverted frat boy” He said “I’ve never done something I didn’t like, I’m aware some things were expected from me but I’ve never done anything against my will” He paused “But I also have that something that shaped me and made me thrive on achievements” She looked at him again, locking her curious eyes to his handsome face. It was light enough in the room now for both of them to see each other’s features almost perfectly, Luigi felt a bit jealous of her as she had had darkness as an ally when telling her story, him on the other hand was completely bare before her eyes.
“I know that if I win, I win alone and if I fail I also fail alone” She furrowed her brows unable to tell where his story was going but also unwilling to interrupt. Although his story began in infancy she could clearly see it had never actually left his side. She was listening attentive to everything he was telling her until he paused for an instant, licking his lips softly and finally lowering his eyes away from the window and into the space in between them. He continued until his voice faded away softly into a barely perceptible breathing. In an unconscious movement, her hand landed on his bicep tracing sweet circles of reassurance. He gave half a smirk before sticking out his bottom lip and tensing his chin, unable still to face her stare. He surely was trying to do a good job at hiding his shame, he licked his lips again and let out a heavy sigh in frustration.
“I swear that for a second I could have stopped the fall, I’m almost completely sure that I could have stopped it” He repeated “But something in me wanted the tube to fall, to break” The proximity of their bodies had become irrelevant in the light of their confessions, their strokes to each other even had become a second nature extension of their now conscious concern for each other.
She was beginning to understand where the story was going. This was the last possible moment in the story she thought it would happen but it did, he finally held his head at her level again hastily chasing her eyes before speaking again “I never got what I wanted” He whispered roughly
“They said they didn’t understand how I left everything for the last minute, that it was so unlike me to be irresponsible” A fierce sensation of shielding took over her body and she couldn’t avoid embracing him in the most intimate hug she had ever given. She sheltered him with her both arms around his body, one in his back while the other like mirroring his previous embrace on her grasped the back of his neck, twirling his curls in her fingers. He hid both his embarrassment and face on her chest, not having enough courage to resist her attentive stare again. Only for a few minutes he seemed smaller than her as her chin rested on the top of his head, she closed her eyes almost guessing he didn’t want to be seen like that at all so she made a silent promise to profess oblivion to his current state. He didn’t protest to any of her approaches, he didn’t know why but he was certain he couldn’t have talked about that with any other person and he couldn’t have imagined a better response than hers.
He didn’t know exactly how long he was like that, embraced in pure and disinterest concern. His breathing now steady and smooth allowing him to face her once again. He disentangled himself from her almost nonexistent vanilla scent, she dropped both her arms slowly as he adjusted to his former position on the pillow. She placed both her hands in between her cheek and pillow and smiled faintly at him.
Gathering his ideas again he managed to continue “I’ve always thought that moment in my life would be a mirror for the rest of it. If I fail no one is going to come pick me back up, I have to do that alone” His hazel eyes remained calmed before the flickering lights of sunrise “When I became aware of psychology and how our minds, intentions, convictions, character can be wired since childhood that was the only moment I think could have shaped me in the way that I am. I was smart enough, branded independent enough since infancy. I became aware no matter how hard something was I would have to navigate it alone” His eyes pledged such an intense focus on her that for a minute she imagined he must have made a secret promise to himself, not to appear weak or troubled by that life changing memory “I enjoy challenges, always trying to climb the next peak. I’m aware of my limitations but I want to overcome them, I want to find success in what I do and give it meaning and worth thus giving my own self meaning and worth. After I’m successful it becomes worthy thus becoming worthy myself” She now felt intimidated and confused because he didn’t appear to be complaining about anything, his tone had been relaxed like telling a casual joke and not his most intimate memory, which she was sure it was “I’m not lying to myself” He continued “I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m all of those things people think I am; I’m not dissatisfied with my ways. I like being always on the lookout for the next personal challenge, I like learning, I want to improve and be better” He unknowingly replied to her silent confusion.
“So yes, I’m the kindhearted private school boy, I’m the intelligent extroverted and friendly frat boy, I’m the simple same outfit well off people say I am. Everything I’ve done I’ve done out of will no matter how much pressure I was feeling on me. I chose those paths willingly and I’ve tried to remained as genuine as I was when I was a kid; that’s who I am” He sentenced remaining in silence only for a few seconds before adding “
“Was that answer complicated enough for you?” They both smiled together, still ignoring what kind of honesty had possessed them earlier that they poured their souls out to each other. It had felt like a premonition, a somewhat distant but familiar memory. It felt like they had been waiting for this moment their whole lives, searching for understanding and acceptance. A truly genuine and unique connection. They had been waiting for each other’s voices and comforting silences for consecutive lifetimes, in the edge of sunrise in the most ordinary day they had silently sealed a friendship pact bounding them to an eternal attachment.
She was now very aware of their proximity, her chest dancing softly to the rhythm of his breathing as if they had suddenly become united in ways she could not yet understand. His kind smile seemed to shine under his hazel eyes, illuminating every dark corner she still had in her; she looked down for an instant unable to hide her shyness. In the past she had tried to find a solution for his character, being completely unaware of his real feelings and thoughts about himself, now she can clearly see the reason behind her unjustified distance towards him. He was also many things at once and sometimes we aren’t prepared to see our reflection in the mirror, it doesn’t matter how well we think we know ourselves.
“I guess sometimes we’re actually able to see ourselves” She whispered finding his steady gaze once again. He nodded slowly understanding easily what she had meant. In that moment, he felt a familiarity previously unknown to him, something had shifted inside of him; he wasn’t sure what it was because he was unable to think clearly but he knew he was above else scared. He was scared about something that hadn’t been revealed to him yet.
It seemed they had remained in a permanent state of bliss, both unwilling to stop smiling to one another while exchanging short and subtle looks filled with unsaid emotions. His fingers still lingered in the back of her neck tracing sweet circles in between her hair and skin, she had apparently overcome her previous shyness as she now couldn’t look away from his handsome face. She knew she had a million things to say but she couldn’t remember any of them, that had been the first time her mind had completely shut down before his presence. All she could do was feel, his hand grazing at her now warm skin, her heart beating at an unfamiliar rhythm, his body heat seemed to talk to her inviting her to reveal her desires despite not really knowing what they were. His body acting independently from his mind leaned in so close to her that he could outline the movement of her eyelashes and count every freckle in her cheeks, he hadn’t noticed before how pink her lips were and how kind her smile could possibly be. Whatever he was feeling it had never been felt before, it was unnamed, unshaped and unrecognizable. He didn’t dare to find its name; he wasn’t even sure he knew the name at all but the urge to be close to her was beyond any physical contact. The realization paralyzed his breathing for a mere second, that’s the fear. The yearning is the fear.
In a sublime contradiction to his thinking process his fingers unnecessarily brushed a lock of hair away from her cheek only to rest shamelessly in the warmth of her skin. Although her heart had flinched like never before her body had remained calmed and paralyzed unwilling to move, unable to break the essence of their proximity. If she was being honest to herself she could ensure that the intimacy, now incredible visible between them had never presented itself to her oh so clearly.
“You’re so lovely, Lya” His voice barely a whisper. Her name had tasted sweet in his lips but way too short to savor. She suddenly felt an overwhelming grip possessing her soul, as she had never been called lovely by anybody before. She knew she was lovely and sweet but a door had remained closed until now, until someone had actually seen what she had embedded in her most private corner and had in a way validated her own assumptions about herself.
She couldn’t avoid beaming brightly at his remark, she also secretly hoped it would conceal the watering eyes threating to expose the extent of her emotions.
“But you knew that already” He added cheekily joining her with his bright ear to ear smile. She had finally found the word to describe her feelings, she was in awe about every single detail leaving his lips and she shyly wondered whether this was the feeling you get when you find your soulmate.
She never came to know he had been wondering the same thing.
﹋
When she had first arrived in London she used to go over every tiny detail about that first night in his bedroom, trying to find both a form of consolation and way to forget the last night they saw each other. Life went on outside of her mind, months passed until she reconciled with the idea that their friendship had reached every possible extent of the word and that what she had felt for him during the last night marked the inevitable end of their friendship and the beginning of love. She flinched again when thinking about the word love, she wished she could be less brave and simply discard any possible feeling still remaining, she wished she could be blind to her own heart but after a year she hasn’t been able to forget the love she had felt for him nor the humiliation for professing it.
She sighed heavily while opening the closet doors, she reached for the suitcase reluctantly and eyed the crimson dress she had bought for the ceremony. Beth had asked her to be a bridesmaid but she had wanted to distance herself as much as possible from that group of friends and the real distance between them was helping her come up with a thousand excuses. She exhaled again this time running her fingers through her hair and looking at her reflection in the mirror hanging in front of her, she smiled faintly putting an end to her dramatic outburst, she floated outside of her body and looked down at herself, what she had accomplished, how much she enjoyed the life she was having, the new friends she had met and the old friends she will meet again. Any other thought would have to wait until later, she might give them permission to flood her mind on the 8-hour flight to New York because she’s certain she won’t be able to manage them at all during the long weekend festivities, especially after Beth confirmed he’s also going to the wedding.
“It was torture, he knew; the memories he still holds of Ginny flood every empty space, every dark corner where he kissed her, every step he takes is surrounded by her air, the rhythm of her shoes walking beside him, brushing her hand timidly against his, and his hand in an unwillingly and shameful movement would attempt to linger at her waist, trying to grasp something that wasn’t there anymore”
He had grown to hate Potions, maybe even more than any ordinary Gryffindor student would ever do. The essence of her soft vanilla perfume lingered around his body sometimes even hours after she had left his side, he couldn’t avoid frowning at her annoying smell grasping at his ropes. By the end of the day he would always wonder how such an almost non-existing smell would last for so long. It has been a little over three weeks since the professor had paired them together and until now Draco had successfully avoided any contact outside the classroom with Ginny Weasley.
“Very well, Malfoy” He also hated the way his name moved in between her lips because she would give him no kind of emotion, nor contempt nor adoration; after having heard her pronouncing his name as sweet whisperings many times, indifference was an absolute agony.
“If you wish to fail that’s on you, but you’re not dragging me with you”
“Well, I heard you spend half your day in the hospital anyway. Growing fond of Madam Pomfrey?”
“What? That’s absolutely not true!” She snapped “If you don’t want to do the assignment just tell me now because I don’t want to waste my time with you” She stopped only for a second, apparently that previous comment had hit a nerve “And where did you hear that anyway?”
“It’s not exactly a secret, Weasley. There aren’t many red haired girls left in Hogwarts”
“That doesn’t answer my question”
“Don’t flatter yourself, I don’t go around wanting to hear anything about you lot. All I’ve heard I have against my will” A statement that couldn’t be further from the truth. Ever since he caught some students discussing how odd Ginny Weasley was behaving he hadn’t stopped looking for more details about it. He couldn’t exactly warn anyone about what could possibly be wrong with her without having to answer some uncomfortable and painful questions himself. Last night in the Slytherin common room, some first years were whispering how they had seen the Weasley girl entering the infirmary with Granger, that wasn’t new information for Draco but what they said next had made him feel that annoying and unavoidable dwelling he can’t seem to shake off since that dreadful moment at the Battle of Hogwarts.
“I swear I walked right next to them” The first year girl had whispered “She looked dizzy and knackered” But it was the next thing he heard that caused Draco to flinch unwillingly “Her eyes seemed so… empty. Her look was just absent” The girl sentenced.
“Whatever, Malfoy. I’ll be working on the assignment at the library before dinner. You can tag along or fail, suit yourself” She said while gathering her things and leaving, not even giving him the chance to speak back, that’s how little she cares about him, that’s how absent her memories of him are.
