It’s 3am and I’m a mess. My head is spinning and I’m crying. Why? Who knows! Well I do... well no, my body do, my anxiety do. The anxiety knows everything.
You know... living with a mental disorder is an everyday fight. Some days are better than others, got up and got down, but sometimes, it’s just too much, like really too much. The part of your brain that you control when anxiety strike is panicking and nothing seems in control.
That’s freaking horrible. Think about watching you dying. Every day. Two. Theee. Four. Six. Eight. ELEVEN times a day. Have fun, you’ll enjoy it, I swear.
Well in other time, it’s just the anxiety little voice who came and drop you from a bridge, smiling like a bitch.
I had a wonderful weekend, one of the best in a long time, maybe in the top 10 of the best moment in life, because for almost 24h straight, for the first time since I was born, everything was PERFECT. From A to Z, nothing could get rid of the smile I had and the fun I felt and the joy of being free, alive, ME.
Then, I came home and the up was still there, bit sad because of the goodbye, but still happy. Didn’t take long.
Having some cleaning and laundry and just the reality check just hit me right in the face. The relief I had was gone, the life was back to normal. My spacio temporal break was definitely gone, not looking back at me.
I started feeling bad again. Started to feel dizzy and sad, just because my life is plain boring and the moment I had was just too short. I just wanted to feel alive again.
And the anxiety took her place. Will I ever be this way after a break? How long of a break do I need to feel okay? Wish I could pause the time. I need some time. I need some air. I can’t breathe. BOOM. The cries come.
Then, the dark thought are starting. Is that a life I want to live ? Will I ever be able to do something of my life ? Why am I that tired all the time ? When do I just want to took off ? Why can’t I be myself anymore ? Why do I want to be invisible ? Am I a nobody? Why did I love to just be me and just know no one. No one to judge, no one to care. What’s a life then ? Is it worth living ?
Will I ever feel loved again? Cause I don’t. Most of the time.
And after that. You are in the water and you are drowning. Why? Because the anxiety made you doubt of yourself. Made you feel worse than the little insecurities you had. Took a feather, hit you with a rock.
You feel dizzy, everything is turning. Everything is loud and dark and fast and spinning, spinning, spinning and you can’t make it stop.
No. Your heart stop instead, and you suffocate.
And you breath again, exhausted, by your own brain, your ownself, and you couldn’t do anything about it, except trying to be logical and clean the thought in the cries because of the crisis. Were the thought true ?
Then, you get mad. You get mad at everything and everyone, because you suffer, mostly in silence. You are tired, you can’t do anything, but you have to pretend every single day. Because people don’t see when Anxiety strike, because it’s in your head. Anxiety makes you lonely and sad, it makes you hate everything and everyone. It makes it easier to push you off the bridge unnoticed.
And after that? Well you mostly fall asleep from exhaustion, because your brain can’t deal with everything that happen in... how much time do you think pass by? A minute ? five ? Uh uh, would be easy. Got in this mess for almost three hours.
And now it’s 4am. And I’m still a mess, trying to stay on the bridge, wet, because it’s my second time in three hours, in an anxiety crisis. Told you, she’s a bitch.
If you happen to wake up, which is often worse, you’ll be watching yourself in the mirror and it will takes you an eternity to look at yourself and be pleased and have a few seconds of happiness before realising that you don’t live, maybe never have.
And every day. You are starting again.
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