"Hindsight is twenty twenty."
At least that's how the adage goes. And to be frank, I didn't gain hindsight until I was 20.
When I was 14, my parents split. At the time, I remember thinking that I was unaffected and completely okay, but to be honest with you when I look back I realise I really wasn't.
I withdrew from my friends and family, I was extremely depressed, I stopped engaging in my hobbies, I had an eating disorder. And I feel so bad for little 14-18 year old me who was really going through it all on my own. I don't know if I even fully understand the ongoing impact of that time period on me.
During that time period I was so angry and I would lash out at everyone. No one was safe from my short temper and my wrath. Especially not my mother.
I was so frustrated with my mum. I would get frustrated if she was late picking me up from school, frustrated if we didn't have food in the fridge, frustrated if the house was a mess, frustrated that we didn't have money.
I would compare my mum to other people who were her age, but who were eons more successful. People who could hold down a job, a relationship, who were able to provide a comfortable living for their families. In my mind, my mum was not successful or hardworking.
But hindsight really is twenty twenty. Because I didn't realise until I was 20 that my mum was simply trying her best. She was working at a grocery store but her depression made it hard for her to keep going. She didn't have money but when she did, she would try to spend it on her kids. Spend it on us in a way that made us happy.
While I didn't agree with how my mum chose to spend her money, I understand that she was doing her best, and I really do appreciate everything she did for me and for my siblings back then.
And I am equally frustrated with my dad who had the means to provide for us, and to ensure that our situation was not that difficult or dire during that period of time, but who chose not to. Because helping his three kids would have meant also helping his ex wife who he decided he hated.
Both my parents acted sub optimally during this time. But I understand that my mum was just trying her best to pay the bills, the mortgage, buy groceries, cook and do all the rest of it for us while we were still teens in high school. She never even expected us to work, to buy things for ourselves, even though that would have been the quickest way to relieve some of the pressure off of herself.
All this to say that I appreciate my mum and everything she did and went through during that period of time. And I'm sorry for everything she had to go through.
I'm glad that those hellish years are behind us now.