Mirrorvom

"The only constant in life is change" - Heraclitus

[mirrorvom]

Loser.

I've always been somewhat of a loser.

I've experienced the sting of social rejection

From kinder through to the present day,

My memories punctuated by

Multiple awkward silences and pointed stares.

The invasive feeling of being alien

Of being other

Haunts me.

Eventually, this feeling pervades into other aspects of my life.

Do I belong in this friend group,

Am I different to everyone in this classroom,

I don't fit into this commuity space,

I shouldn't have come to this suburb,

My body feels wrong

And for yet another time

I spiral out of control.

[mirrorvom]

Item: The Screen Rarity: ⏶ Common

Console or PC?

Feed your dashboard by answering my question, blogger.

PC

[mirrorvom]

My first time feeling

Consciously content

I was sat across from you

In the confines of your uni library.

We were sat

Beside the terrace,

The cool sun beaming down at us.

While you clacked away

At your laptop keyboard,

Zeroed in on your work before class

I took a moment

To live in the moment.

To enjoy the simple mundanity.

Despite your uni sitting

In an urban hellscape,

Our view limited to

Different shades of grey while

Corporate slaves rushed back to work

At midday,

Despite the lackluster views and

My struggle with productivity

I was with you.

And that was enough.

[mirrorvom]

Am I being left behind?

I spend the morning of a public holiday

House sitting,

Watering the plants and keeping a docile kitty

Company.

His body pressed against my chest,

Purring and nuzzling himself into me.

His claws remind me that this is all temporary.

I check my friends locations

And see that they are all working.

Working their second jobs,

Working towards their futures,

Working towards something,

And this reminds me of how empty

My life has been feeling lately.

So I ask myself:

What am I working towards,

And where am I headed?

Most importantly,

Who do I want to be.

[mirrorvom]

When my mum asks me if I feel lonely,

Which is more frequent than you would think,

I tell her I'm content with myself,

And that I am all I have ever needed.

This is my biggest lie.

[mirrorvom]

I'm undecided

About happily-ever-afters

The same way my best friend

Is unsure about god.

There is no conviction of belief

For or against the construct,

And our behaviour is often

Aiming to prime the construct

Hoping that when the time comes

For us to say our final goodbyes

Fate will treat us kindly.

Nothing is more torturous

Than the thought that for the remainder

Of my eternity, I will be tortured

With an inescapable misery.

[mirrorvom]

I am an autumn tree.

Watch me as my leaves fall

One by one and I grow

Colder and Colder

With each passing day.

Watch me become

The skeleton of myself.

I will no longer give shade

And I will fill the air

With the smell of moistness

and rot.

I am an autumn tree.

Stride with me

Straight to winter.

[mirrorvom]

I will fight my way

To the summit.

Watch my strife

And watch me struggle

My way to the muddy top

While I pray silently

To whoever listens

That I shall make it unscathed.

My bloodied hands

Are covered in mud.

Or perhaps my muddied hands

Are covered in blood,

And the rain beats down

Against me.

One nights rest is all it takes

To avoid a mudslide,

And I live and I live,

And I continue to live,

And I continue living.

My ascent requires me to crawl,

To climb, to march dutifully onward.

I do not know what awaits me at the top,

And I do not yet know what I have left behind.

When I make it to the top

It no longer rains,

But I cannot yet enjoy

The fruits of my labour.

And as I look down below me

From this mountainous peak

I find my vision obscured

By a thick fog.

[mirrorvom]

I don't miss him,

But I miss who I hoped he could be.

Miss who I hoped he was.

[mirrorvom]

An ocean,

9 hours,

An entire culture

And a loaded lie

Separates us.

I am the fire

To your powder

And when we come together

We combust.

Locked and loaded,

It will take little for me to

Ignite.

Boom.

Yet we hold this

Mutual understanding

That we cannot ever be

More.

I desire you

In a way that frightens me,

That should frighten you.

And yet I keep myself mellow

Knowing that the fallout

Will exceed us.

We are separated

By an ocean,

By 9 hours,

By an entire culture,

And by a heavy heavy

Lie.

How I hate people who lie.

[mirrorvom]

Peace

Is a morning hike

Away from the city.

Is breathing in the crisp

Morning breeze,

And walking through trees

Not yet touched by sunlight.

Peace

Is praying in nature,

Just before the sunrise,

The dewey grass beneath my feet,

My whispers carried by the wind.

Peace

Is timing my breaths

So that each inhale and exhale

Matches the eb and flow

Of the waves as the sun

Creeps above the horizon,

Bringing gifts of colour

And warmth.

Peace

Is experiencing this with family,

Both blood and chosen,

Listening to their idle chatter

And reflecting on all the ways

In which I am blessed.

[mirrorvom]

Independence.

My tragic flaw,

My hamartia.

I cling to you

To avoid confronting

The reality of my

Loneliness,

And together

We build impenetrable walls

That can be seen from space.

Perhaps they are truly impenetrable,

Or perhaps no one has ever tried,

But my everyday ends

The same way it begins.

Alone.

[mirrorvom]

A letter to my past self.

Dear old me,

Here are all the things you need to hear.

You are loved

And you are loveable,

Even when you don't feel it.

Your loneliness will eat away at you,

But you are not alone.

Even when you are feeling jaded,

Even when the world gives you every reason to be,

It costs nothing to be kind.

Kind to your mum because she is trying,

Kind to your siblings who are hurting,

Kind to your dad because he's lost,

And most importantly,

Kind to yourself.

Trust your gut,

And stay open minded.

Be open to new experiences,

To different perspectives,

To alternative possibilities.

Don't be rigid.

Life is boring when you're rigid,

And you'll see the beauty in it

When you start experiencing new things.

P.S.

Keep living.

You're doing your best.

I see that and

I see you.

[mirrorvom]

"Hindsight is twenty twenty."

At least that's how the adage goes. And to be frank, I didn't gain hindsight until I was 20.

When I was 14, my parents split. At the time, I remember thinking that I was unaffected and completely okay, but to be honest with you when I look back I realise I really wasn't.

I withdrew from my friends and family, I was extremely depressed, I stopped engaging in my hobbies, I had an eating disorder. And I feel so bad for little 14-18 year old me who was really going through it all on my own. I don't know if I even fully understand the ongoing impact of that time period on me.

During that time period I was so angry and I would lash out at everyone. No one was safe from my short temper and my wrath. Especially not my mother.

I was so frustrated with my mum. I would get frustrated if she was late picking me up from school, frustrated if we didn't have food in the fridge, frustrated if the house was a mess, frustrated that we didn't have money.

I would compare my mum to other people who were her age, but who were eons more successful. People who could hold down a job, a relationship, who were able to provide a comfortable living for their families. In my mind, my mum was not successful or hardworking.

But hindsight really is twenty twenty. Because I didn't realise until I was 20 that my mum was simply trying her best. She was working at a grocery store but her depression made it hard for her to keep going. She didn't have money but when she did, she would try to spend it on her kids. Spend it on us in a way that made us happy.

While I didn't agree with how my mum chose to spend her money, I understand that she was doing her best, and I really do appreciate everything she did for me and for my siblings back then.

And I am equally frustrated with my dad who had the means to provide for us, and to ensure that our situation was not that difficult or dire during that period of time, but who chose not to. Because helping his three kids would have meant also helping his ex wife who he decided he hated.

Both my parents acted sub optimally during this time. But I understand that my mum was just trying her best to pay the bills, the mortgage, buy groceries, cook and do all the rest of it for us while we were still teens in high school. She never even expected us to work, to buy things for ourselves, even though that would have been the quickest way to relieve some of the pressure off of herself.

All this to say that I appreciate my mum and everything she did and went through during that period of time. And I'm sorry for everything she had to go through.

I'm glad that those hellish years are behind us now.

[mirrorvom]

Uncertainty

Colours my daily life,

Colours all aspects of it in sepia tones,

Or maybe superimposes a monochromatic filter.

When I see myself in the mirror

I am unsure of what I see,

What I once saw,

What I will one day see.

I find myself asking:

Who am I and

Who do I want to become and

Who am I okay with being

Just in case my plan A

Falls through.

Its funny I think, to find myself

At this cross roads that many people

Encounter when they graduate highschool.

I have graduated long ago,

And yet I am visiting this uncertain place

For the first time.

[mirrorvom]

I long for the warm feeling

Of yellow. For the feeling

Of the summer sun on my skin,

Turning me bronze as I

Lay on lush green grass,

The moist soft soil beneath me

Staining my jeans.

I long to gaze up at Jacaranda trees,

Whose brilliant purple flowers

Shade me from the cloudless sky.

I long to listen to the birds warble and trill,

While I sit on a blanket by a river,

And watch as the river rushes by,

Its water a welcome cold contrast

To the summer sun.

Instead, I watch as my sunflowers

Slowly shrivel and dry

Under the harsh winter cold,

Their leaves and petals unsaturated

From a lack of sun.

[mirrorvom]

I feel so fucking alone