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izzy's playlists!
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@mis-teeq
I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF
This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.
Then bring me luck
the day after I posted this last time I was notified that I was selected for a really cool mentorship gig and got an unrelated glowing review at work
Hey Potato, cure my -ing cold so I can have a good time while away.
Here's the potato. Make what use of it you will. :)
I thought I’d feel free, I thought I’d feel good about myself and like I could enjoy the rest of my twenties. But I just feel exhausted scared and sad. I feel alone in a crowd where I’m forced to smile
FOUSHEÉ Sunshine by Steve Lacy (2022)
I hate everything
I hate how my mother always tries to make me out to be this manipulative, lying treacherous person. She wants to make me about to be a benefit scammer when i genuinely have been struggling in my education my whole life.
But instead of her to listen to me and care about my struggles, she makes fun of me for struggling academically and accuses me of lying about an autism diagnosis to not get kicked out of university. I was already kicked out of university, you cannot use an autism diagnosis as a crutch to not get kicked out, it’s impossible.
Now she has threatened me with calling my university to invalidate me getting accommodations to help with my education after I have been struggling the entire time.
The escape
I managed to get out of England unscathed which is good. But now I’m in a depressed mood about the entrance exam that I have to do in three weeks.
Daughters
It’s a few weeks now and I have made so much progress. I have told my mother about me leaving and I was able to follow my therapists orders on not giving into the anger that she tries to set off in me.
I realise that because I am the first born daughter, my mother sees a lot of herself in me. She thinks that not allowing me to have boundaries and controlling all of my decisions will make me safe. However, all it does is prevent me from maturing.
I am glad to say that I have taken a break from working and my education to put in the work to build up my mental strength. A couple weeks ago, I would have looked at this time period and called myself lazy. Not realising that it wasn’t laziness I was experiencing but I needed to build up mental strength. I now know that I have the power to stop the mental messages my family gives me.
I am in control of the 7 year old black girl in my head that was hurt by physical, mental and sexual abuse. I want you to know my darling that you have nothing to be ashamed of despite what your mother told you. You don’t have to prove your humanity to others. You don’t have to prove yourself to uncle or aunty or mummy. Despite what bougie creole people think you don’t have to be black excellence for people to value you.
Most importantly my darling, I love you and I adore you. Regardless of what they or the world may say about you I love you and will from now on not ignore you and take care of you like a child of my own. I am my own mother. I am my own child and I will take care of myself in that manner.
Getting out
What I have learned in the oncoming weeks is interesting. I myself am not absolved of rude and hurtful behaviour. However, it seems that my biggest crime is committing acts of internalised anti-blackness and white supremacy against myself.
I believed that because I am a black girl that I was worth nothing. I believed that no one liked me and that I was ugly. I believed that I was stupid and that there was no point in trying to pursue a second chance at education despite me being given chances.
What I have learned is that I spiral so much emotionally and in terms of discipline because I refused to take the time to work on my mental state. I thought that reading a book for two would fix it. I didn’t understand that I need to take time by myself to just relax.
For the past two years I had no idea what the definition of relax was. I’d spend time either drilling myself into the ground or, procrastinating on social media. But the time I spent on social media wasn’t to relax. This was time I’d use to not address my emotional longing for something else. The time I’d waste to tell myself that I’m not good enough and compare myself to others on Twitter and Instagram.
Soon, I am about to deliver my family news that will devastate them. They will figure out that I have booked a train ticket to leave the country and get away from them. They will find out that I have lied about my situation in my university and that I will soon be expelled this August and transfer to a different university.
I know it is wrong for me to do all of these things to them. I know that the trust they have with me will break even further. Despite all of this I know that I will continue to feel infantilised if I don’t leave. Maybe I will turn my phone off for a few weeks and not contact them. Maybe I will write them a letter to explain my situation.
All I know is that my trust with telling them intimate problems within my life and health vanished many years ago and all I have left is my ability to keep up appearances and pretend I’m alright. They want me to say that I feel fine and am grateful for the upbringing I’ve had. And it is not that I am ungrateful but I also cannot disregard the emotional abuse I have endured. I cannot forget or ignore the abuse. I have to actually live out the instructions of my therapist and try to build trust with myself.
It’s sad because this is probably all my fault for coming home but I cannot stay here anymore. I came because I thought I’d feel safer but all I’m doing is feeling depressed and hiding everything from my family.
They think I’m graduating next year when really I’m going to change to a whole other degree. Initially I thought coming home would be good for me but I now realise that if I stay here I will be stuck in this place till I’m 30.
I won’t get to be myself or live my life. I’m 23 but still operating mentally like I’m 17 in this house and it feels awful. My siblings feel comfortable and good at home but the more I comeback I realise that I hate it.
My family now do not want me to leave till the end of August. What am I even supposed to do until then? They think that if I travel when the restrictions get lifted I will get sick. Part of me thinks I’m too afraid to do anything. Too afraid to study, too afraid to go outside too afraid to live.
See me
I know I should be confident and not seek validation from others. But like there’s only so much I can humanly take. Why does she never talk to me and only message me when she’s with creepy guys.
They don’t really want me to come to their cool kids party, they keep saying they will invite me but they don’t mean it. All my life I’ve struggled to make friends and hangout in groups.
I just want to be appreciated, I want to be seen. To have someone to talk to me about my feelings. For someone to want to take care of me. I’m tired of being a strong black woman all the time. Sometimes I’m stressed and I need a hug. Sometimes I need reassurance, people to tell me that it is okay. Instead I’m raised in this emotionless environment where everyone criticises me for not being cooler.
I can’t change the fact that I am a nerd who grew up inside dreaming of going outside, dreaming of having friends and talking to people. Dreaming of maybe one day making something of myself and actually being able to have fun.
Why is it that I’m just a sex doll to people? Don’t you think that I have feelings? I’m not this oversexed girl who can do whatever you want just because you think I’m black and cute. All I wanted was a cuddle to make me feel better. I hate it because when I go to bed at night I dream of being able to have someone to trust and look after me. Someone that I like that actually likes me back.
I wonder what it must feel like to have grown up not feeling like you’re worth shit. Growing up not being bullied for not being like everyone else and having to have spent all of her time inside. I’m actually afraid to express myself because I don’t want my vulnerability to cost me anymore than it already has.
Loner
I know my friends say that they like me and care about me. However, I just feel like because I get emotionally depressed easily that I still end up feeling lonely. On top of this all of the people I’m talking to ghost me and make me feel worthless.
Like why wasn’t my follow request accepted, I know I get easily intimidate by good looking people due to my anxiety. However, I’m trying my best to put myself out there. I really wanted to have fun in my twenties and enjoy myself. I thought with my student association that I was finally starting to do that. But it seems because I have taken myself back home it is at the expense of my feeling of self worth.
I want to leave London as soon as possible tbh. I feel like there’s a sea of people that I don’t truly know or deeply connect to. All of my relationships are shallow and no one truly enjoys my company. If something happened to me in this pandemic they wouldn’t really care. I have to deal with my parents martial issues as if they’re mine, which isn’t really fair.
I know that inside I do have a bubbly personality and am attractive, I just have self esteem issue from my home. I can only really overcome this if I get away from here for an extended amount of time and stop coming back every three months.
I feel invisible
It’s amazing how three years later I still feel like I’m battling the same things mentally. Just as I have started to come out of my shell from realising that I’m not ugly.
I still struggle with confidence and feeling visible. I’m not sure when I will get out of this but it seems like my problem is that I have no desire to truly care for myself. I have no desire to take care of my body because I don’t feel like I’m worthy. I feel like i’m not good enough for my university, for the friends I have for the job I have and the attention that I wanted from the people that I liked.
I thought dating would force me to face issues about how I have problems interacting with others and communicating with men. However, upon me trying it is becoming apparent to me that I am no longer prioritising myself, but their needs from me.
This isn’t something I see as a good trait or have ever strived for so I need to figure out a way to help my sexuality grow but also put myself first. I’m actually scared to talk to women on apps whilst I’m home from university because i am afraid I will see people I know.
I still haven’t fully expressed myself sexually because I just don’t feel safe doing so whilst I am still somewhat financially dependent on my family. All I want to do is get through this pandemic by looking after myself.
I got nothing against Amandla or Zendaya but Hollywood seems to think that lightskin women represent ALL Black women. This only perpetuates colorism..
Not to be this person but I follow Angie Thomas (the author) on Twitter and she had discussions with other people about this very issue the other day.
If you read the book, Starr, the character in question, is lighter skinned. Here’s a tweet with excerpts from the book calling her ‘caramel’ and ‘medium brown’
Angie has also said that Amandla was chosen for this role BEFORE the book (never mind the cover) even came out.
Since when does caramel and medium mean a light skinned woman still though? I dunno usually people describe brown skinned girls like that tbh
yeah I thought so too @mis-teeq and I know people had the same criticisms about “the sun is also a star” (despite Yara being brownskinned). Not to dismiss the point at hand, it’s just that I personally never saw Amandla as light skinned per se
@unf0rtunatesoul I agree with you.
Start 3
I’m supposed to go to work but I just wanna sleep.
