Life is a journey.
Some doors open, some doors close.
As I sit here, feeling smaller than I’ve felt in quite some time. Wondering why I feel so empty and lost. Why my heart isn’t overfilled with love like it once was.
I reflect.
There were things that I used to do. That I miss. I was wild. Feral. Misguided perhaps, but there was a thrill in the things I used to do.
Now.
I feel timid. Reserved. I often feel apologetic for who I am. I am too nice. I am a nag. I’m an old woman. I’m this, I am that. My heart gets tight when I think about the things that I am called by the one I give my everything to. I can’t help these things sometimes, as my heart comes from a place of good intention.
Somewhere along the line, in these recent months and days, I feel less and less like I want to. Emotionally.
And especially as of late I feel… quite similar to years ago. Doubtful. Unsure. Depressed. Anxious.
I don’t know where my trust went. In myself and in others.
I feel this overwhelming sadness being squeezed out as my chest constricts and my heart beats harder.
I wish to be craved and desired.
I wish to hear whispers late at night when no one is awake besides two.
I wish to be held like no one else matters.
I wish..
and yet.
I know there is more I can do.
There is always more you can do yourself, to change a situation you do not like.
And yet
Everyday I am reminded of how I’m such a nag.
It makes me wonder what I’m even doing anymore.
I feel quite guilty feeling this way.
I know the circumstances aren’t the best to foster what I need.
And my growing weakness only frustrates me more.
I exploded, filled to the brim with these feelings, and though I was promised more
I wonder if I’ll really feel better.
So then I come back to the fact that I need to make myself feel better.
I can’t wait for another to make myself full when I have everything I need within me to love.
I feel as if I have become a shell of myself.
No job. No money. No traveling. I can’t even afford to go to king spa. Which. I desperately need to for some much needed alone time.
I feel as if I’m running on empty, trying support myself and the people in my life as I constantly expend energy with very little coming back to me.
I am so, so tired.
And yet,
At night. My thoughts scream. Running wild with ideas and inspiration. Passion.
Desperation.
Driving me towards making moves and thinking about what I can do to change my life.
In dance
I feel more passionate than I ever have
More at home than I ever have.
And perhaps a couple years late, yes,
I finally know what it is like to work
And see improvements.
It’s.. really great.
I feel so full in that respect.
Making efforts in dance, forcing myself to create instead of slave my life to money.
I am pushing ahead.
I am pushing ahead and somehow leaving my heart behind.
Haha. There it is.
I've ran and left my heart behind.
And in our given circumstances, I don’t have my full person there to fall back on.
We’re just struggling together.
And the things that I was insecure about. Slowly dealing with, accepting.
They’re provoked again. And I’m,
scared.
I’m truly just ranting. Didn’t think I’d have this much to say.
But with life, it’s a journey.
Ups and downs. Highs and lows.
One door opens and another door closes.
In these last days of the year, which truly has been good to me. I’m grateful.
I want to use this time to self reflect and come back into myself again.
I need to use this time to love the people I hold closet to me, understand them, accept them, cherish them.
Forgive them.
I need to find myself and take some alone time to truly reflect and repair my heart.
I need to unite my drive and ambition and passion with the love and happiness and smiles I know I’m capable of.
I feel as though I’m empty, yes.
But that just means that that kept me full no longer is enough.
And in my reflections as I take the time to address, acknowledge, and let go of those things. I move into a new version of myself.
I can fill my heart and being up with new, greater things.
Ascending up into a new Malissa.
A better me. The newest edition.
Ready to walk this journey in new found strength, power, and grace.
kianamaiart
jimmyeatworldofficial
titsay
