is it okay to say that im tired of feeling a certain way even though it only hits me once every two years or so?
that feeling of possibly losing someone important in your life is always terrifying but there’s this added feeling of a certain emotion i dont have the right words for and im pretty tired of it. confusing, i know.
i think it’s happening right before my eyes and i can’t do anything about it.
since the terrible breakup i had, i’ve always been looking forward to what the future holds for me. it’s exciting, kinda like the surprise makeovers models have on top model - you never know what you’re gonna get. it’s fucking exhilarating. but lately, things have been going downhill. when i thought everything was finally falling into place, something goes wrong. my life’s always been difficult but with the absence of academics (because i recently graduated from high school), my focus is centered on college applications aaaaaand other stuff: family stuff.
the college application’s kinda confusing for me because i don’t get updated at all and i have zero assurance, plus no backup plan. and so lately, i just go with the flow on this one. besides, i still have about 3 months to cram.
the family stuff is what’s giving me this weird feeling (of course, addition to me not being sure about college stuff). i dont pray very much. im not traditional and believe me, if given the chance, id like to switch my religion but that’s not really the case here. all i wanna say to some deity out there, to every god out there, protect the people i love, even if it doesn’t include me. because here’s the thing - i can always handle all the shit life throws at me but it’s difficult to live this life not being able not to know what you can do for others in certain situations. i’d like to leave it up to trust - trust in the people i love the most. but, it’s never assuring and that’s terrifying.
i don’t know where i’m getting at anymore actually, i just want everything to be okay and go back to the way it was. unfortunately (and inevitably), i will never be able to tell.
my head’s just in a really weird place right now, a place where it hasnt been for the longest time.
