Welcome to my Complicated Mind

Thoughs thoughts thoughts 21|bisexual|LA

[miserable--youth]

I still miss you...

[miserable--youth]

Here we go again

It hits me and I feel like a helpless little kid again.

[miserable--youth]

Irrelevant

Ding! Ding! Ding!

That sound of validation

Does it actually feel that void

That you’re trying to fill?

When one rejection can

take you down a notch

Will that sound

Still be relevant?

[miserable--youth]

Last na to.

For the second time this year, got chucked to the friend-zone. Tangina hanggang kaibigan nalang ba ako pota kelan naman ako mag-kakaroon ng ka-ibig-an.

[miserable--youth]

It’s been more than a year since I’ve cut again but sometimes you just really need to feel the pain. That stinging feeling on your skin just makes you feel what you really feel inside.

[miserable--youth]

Is it just me or does everybody have that nagging feeling of ripping their wrists wide open?

[miserable--youth]

F**K People!

People will always find a way to break your trust. I am just soooo full of it now. Don’t trust anyone. EVER!!!!!!

[miserable--youth]

Cute Skater Staff

There’s this cute skater staff at the skating rink I went to today and oh my gosh my gay ass couldn’t take it. 😂 I was so nervous everytime she would skate past me. I bribed my cousin in to “accidentally” falling so that she would come help him and I could ask her to take a photo of us so we could at least interact. I had no fuckin game guys!!! I didn’t even get to ask her name!!!

Ughhh too bad I ain’t seeing her again. :/

[miserable--youth]

Home Alone

Different place, different people, different traditions.

Christmas is my favorite holiday ever, and I feel like I didn’t do it any justice this year. I didn’t go Christmas gift shopping, I didn’t go home, family here in the states doesn’t feel like family at all. It’s even my first time not celebrating Christmas eve with the fam, and when I mean fam I meant family back home. And now we’re nearing Christmas eve and here I am writing and ranting. And can I just say, “FUCK! I miss HOME so much!”

[miserable--youth]

How do you turn off sadness?

[miserable--youth]

How do I get out from this trance of self loathing and deppression?

[miserable--youth]

Out of the blue crying because I fucking miss my fam and friends back home!

[miserable--youth]

Half way in on a bottle of Rose and I just wanted to let you guys know that I fucking miss the Philippines!

[miserable--youth]

I don’t know if it’s just me or what but people here are just very different from back home. There’s something missing, it’s like you’re talking but the connections aren’t there, it’s mindless. It’s infuriating. This is in the context of socializing at a club/bar.

Maybe because I’ve always been used to interesting and intellectual conversations when drinking, blame that on my friends and cousins who always provides very engaging topics. Things that you wouldn’t even imagine talking about when you’re drunk. I miss those moments.

[miserable--youth]

People suck

[miserable--youth]

9/7/17

So I went to the LGBT group of my school today. It was my first time ever going to one of those things. It was very nice and interesting just getting to know people from the community too. They talked about their relationships and their coming out stories. It was nice hearing the different coming out experiences that they had and I feel like I’m going to go back again for the next session.

Going to this, I realized that I actually needed someone to talk about this kind of things. Even though right now I identify as a bisexual I still feel like a bit adamant about it because I haven’t had any relationship yet, that’s why I’m still really confused about it. Then I think, “Is there something wrong with me?”. Believe me I’d love to be in a relationship, but I feel like my mom and dad’s relationship to each other has jaded me enough to build very high walls and nobody ever stays long enough to break through those walls. So that’s what I’m struggling with. I feel like I’m worthless and doesn’t deserved to be loved. I don’t know. This sucks.

I’m gonna continue going, hopefully it helps.

[miserable--youth]

I just want a space to call my own in this foreign place, is that so much to ask?