My stupid Life

I'm not promoting anything on this blog. Some posts may be triggering for self-harming people.

[30-minute-memes]

It really do be like that

[my-depressed-lifestyle]

Sadly me

[my-depressed-lifestyle]

Death

If i could end it and not hurt anyone in the process i would but i care too much for how people feel, but i don’t care how i feel at the end of the day

[my-depressed-lifestyle]

Are we gonna be alive this time tomorrow, Amber?

Are we really alive if we feel dead already

[my-depressed-lifestyle]

I lie to the people I love everyday over and over as they ask me if I’m okay. Why would I say I wasn’t they say they can help but due to their past actions it doesn’t seem that way. I feel as if I’m bothering them they have their own lives so why should they take a moment to cater to me. As if the support ever lasted, they’ll treat you like glass for the first two weeks and by the third like a rock. So when they ask me if I’m okay I put all emotions aside and say the iconic phrase. “I am fine”

[yesbpdbabe-deactivated20210115]

[thebpdjournals]

Ahhhhhh, relatable BPD memes.

[monachopsis-people]

[leidgott]

[abnormall]

[abnormall]

i keep making mistake after mistake i cant do anything correctly why am i such a failure

[abnormall]

i wasnt supposed to live this long

[abnormall]

im such a failure all i do is fuck up over and over again

[cripticmotherfucker]

[cripticmotherfucker]

I have no one to actually talk to. I feel literally zero connection to anybody. There are very few people I can tolerate hanging out with. Those people and I don't really keep in touch, always end up having clashing opinions (so we just don't talk ab them). I mean we make eachother laugh sure. But honestly I don't have a close bond. I have 3 friends right now. One i hang out with and we usually just do the things we'd do while we are alone, but we always end up in some sort of awkward argument over how I smoke weed and he's an alcoholic and neither of us have our lives together in eachother's eyes. The second, we hang out but never talk about our emotions either mostly because she refuses to open up, but atleast we agree on some core things. We basically just listen to music and get high. And the other one hangs out with me rarely and only responds with my texts with an "oh" or "ope." We used to be bestfriends but now she's too busy with her unhealthy relationship. Honestly half the time I'm too busy with growing up. And it sucks. And it sucks that I suck at talking to people. And I can't hardly feel comfortable being myself around anyone. I've resorted to being absolutely stupid to entertain people and not let them see who I actually am, that way if they are disappointed they won't be disappointed in the actual me. And then there are people who idolize me as some sort of fictional character. Either way. People never really get to know me because they never think they need to. And even this vent is stupid because nobody will read it and nobody will care because it's not short or phrased beautifully or relatably and it's just a stranger rambling on and on about how their life sucks and they aren't even explaining it properly. So I guess. I'll just go to bed and leave these feelings where they are.

[teethisbones]

[cripticmotherfucker]

I'm stuck in this miserable loop of constantly correcting myself. Constantly editing myself. Constantly forcing myself into a mold that doesn't fit. Just so I can't market myself to the world.

[cripticmotherfucker]

I'm stuck in such an anxious rut. I can't let myself talk to anyone because I constantly correct what I'm trying to say. I can't let out my feelings or I'll end up making everybody sad. Which in the long run I might end up looking everyone?? That's irrational but?? Anxiety has convinced me it's true. So much so I can't even open up to my therapist. And like? I want to? But when I try I just. Don't know how to anymore. I'm constantly stuck in "gotta work" mode. I never really let myself enjoy buying anything or enjoy watching a tv show or reading or anything. Which I used to fucking love. My meds have helped, don't get me wrong. I don't flip my shit 10 times everyday. I'm not destroying myself. It's helped get it under control. But it's still bad. It's still there and screaming at me. I guess that just goes to show how bad it really was in the first place. Yikes.

[cripticmotherfucker]

That one weird feeling where you feel empty but not empty because your thoughts are going too fast for you to comprehend or keep or act on them so therefore you are having no actual thoughts at all. And this makes you anxious because hey man you might be missing out on thoughts you’ll never have again.