hello

please do not follow 👍

[misfit-mccoward]

me my entire adult life writing fic: i support the ykinmk life but i don't really like writing sex, and i would definitely feel weird taking prompts

me in the later half of 2024: OH YOU VAGUELY MENTIONED A SMUT CONCEPT? HERE YOU GO--

anyway, itakarin concept fic from the itachi's picnic discord server ->

the concept was basically "karin as a prison warden and itachi as her prisoner." i play hard into the power dynamic so it's one of those fics that's technically dubcon from a real world logic standpoint, but it's not particularly dubcon from the porn trope "oh he WANTS it and my magic powers confirm it!!" standpoint. so there's your warning for that

also i had a whole plot concept but i couldn't figure out how to execute it in like 500 words or less. so rn there's just bullet points ion the middle, but i figured i'd post the porn in case i never finish the bullet points lol

****

Playing warden is all one big game, really. That’s what Sound is. Karin looks at the board, analyzes the pieces, and then she makes her move. 

The keys jingling at her waist are part of it, a part of the strategy. She rolls her hips as she walks down the hall intentionally, to make that noise. So people know she’s coming. So they know to straighten up, to be on their best behavior. So they go limp and placid without realizing that Karin has no high level jutsu to her name, that she’s just some bitch with a rude tongue. 

It’s not so hard. Karin can monitor every chakra signature in her care with ease. If she feels one snap, she can send her little underlings to take care of it, and then show up right as that prisoner breaks, every single time. From the outside, it will always look like Karin is the primary factor associated with subjugation, because that’s how she plays this game. It’s an illusion of power, but it’s still power. Inmates still dip their head to her when they hear her coming. 

It’s not hard, but that doesn’t mean she enjoys it. Karin has her own goals. None of them involve playing warden to a bunch of Orochimaru’s discarded experiments. She would leave if she could, but the game is part of the trap. Even if she’s winning, even if she’s ahead, she’s still stuck in the game. 

And then, finally, something changes. 

Karin gets no real explanation for why she’s handed over Uchiha Itachi. She doesn’t even get real security measures for him besides the standard chakra-dampening handcuffs. She preps a blindfold for him, because she has studied the sharingan in depth and knows how dangerous it can be. Because she’s been given no orders, she makes up a sealing jutsu on the spot just for the blindfold and has no idea if it will work. 

(It doesn’t have to work, she tells herself. Itachi just has to think it does.)

Karin half wonders if Orochimaru expects Itachi to burn down this hideout. Karin has been trapped here for years and years since Sasuke disappeared, ordering around abandoned specimens. Itachi killing them all would probably be high entertainment for Orochimaru. 

Itachi doesn’t make any moves to kill anyone, though. Karin is acutely aware that he could, if he control slipped for even a second. His chakra is subdued when she first marches into his holding cell, but it’s big and dangerous and deadly. 

So Karin marches in, keys jangling, and does her best boss bitch act that she can. She’s aware of Itachi watching her warily as she orders people around. She doesn’t meet his eyes. 

His chakra finally hitches when she goes to tie the blindfold on him. Karin doesn’t let her hands falter, doesn’t let her outward confidence slip for a second, but she does tense at that. He doesn’t make a move against her. 

****

*Establish Itachi also wants to find Sasuke for non-nefarious reasons

*Karin wants to join forces with Itachi but doesn’t know how without risking her personal safety because he’s obviously recovering from some horrible illness but he’s still Uchiha Itachi

*she has an epiphany while in his cell alone with him 

*Karin has accidentally pavlov trained Itachi to be sexually attracted to the sound of her warden’s keyring (in like 300 words somehow)

****

Karin straightens her back and holds up her key ring up so it rests in the crook of her index finger. Then she twitches her finger just once, just enough to make the keys jingle. 

Itachi’s hips jolt just slightly. A smirk slowly spreads over Karin’s face. 

“Can’t help yourself, can you?” she mocks, then jingles her keys again. “How pathetic.”

Her words elicit a full body shudder, only invisible to Karin in that she’s looking for it, and Itachi’s chakra tightens up right at his core in an absolutely delicious way. Then, to Karin’s utter glee, she watches something shift in his pants. Uchiha Itachi is definitely getting hard, his ugly prison pants tenting as his hips twitch, just for her. Just for her moving a single finger. 

Obviously, Karin does it again. 

“S—” Itachi bites out, squirming against his restraints. “Stop.”

He says that, but Karin can feel his chakra, dark and tight and aroused. She’s never felt anything like this before, someone both hungry for her and entirely under her power. The idea excites her. She could do anything she wants! 

“You want me to stop?” Karin repeats in her sweet voice, the one she used to use on Sasuke. She struts forward, swinging her hips even though Itachi can’t see them with the blindfold, and straddles his lap. “You don’t want me doing this?”

She rolls her hips forward, so she comes down over him, pressing down on his erection with her own pelvis as her breasts brush against his chest. Itachi twitches but his chakra doesn’t tighten the way she’d wanted it to. 

“You dare question your warden?” Karin tries. 

This time, Itachi’s chakra rolls with arousal. He makes a noise in the back of his throat. His hips presses upwards, increasing the pressure of her own groin over his. 

I see how it is, Karin decides. She likes this. She likes this a lot. An ache is forming between her legs, and it takes all her self control not to grind herself into him. 

She reaches forward carefully and wraps her fingers around the base of Itachi’s neck. Then she slowly runs her hand upwards, over his throat, until it’s under his chin. Then she forces his head backwards, getting up on her knees so she can hover over him. 

“Desperate, aren’t we?” she says in a mocking, sing-song voice. She runs a thumb over his bottom lip, and Itachi grunts. “Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to untie you, and you’re going to be a good little prisoner for me.”

She doesn’t wait for a response. She stands and snaps off his restraints, all business and in control. The moment he’s free, Itachi pounces on her, hands going for her neck. 

Karin had been expecting this. Her hand tangles in his loose hair, and she yanks. “No,” she commands, and Itachi goes limp before her, his chakra coiling up inside him. 

Holy shit, Karin thinks, dragging Itachi’s hair down enough to force him to kneel. Holy shit!

She covers his face with one hand, her nails digging into the skin of his cheeks, and he whimpers. She forces her index and middle finger into his mouth. “Suck,” she commands, and he does. 

Karin feels an insane rush of adrenaline as she does this, putting herself into someone else’s mouth on purpose, as an act of her control over them instead of the other person controlling her. Her stomach flips in a way that almost makes her moan herself. 

Karin has never been more turned on before in her life. She’s theoretically had this power over prisoners this whole time, but none have given it over like Itachi does, and so easily! None of them have wanted this like Itachi. 

What do I do next? Karin wonders, sticking her fingers back far enough into Itachi that he starts to gag. This makes his chakra go haywire with lust, and so she reaches forward with her other hand and buries it in his hair to prevent him from pulling back as she moves her fingers back and forth. 

He doesn’t even fight her. He willingly kneels in front of her, letting her facefuck him. Clearly Karin has not spent nearly enough time on fantasies of being a sex dungeon master, because this is the hottest thing she’s ever seen. 

Karin has never fucked someone like this before. She’s never had sex like this before. She’s had no real practice for the logistics of it. But she’s done all sorts of things to herself with toys and the power of her own imagination, and that seems close enough. 

She holds up the key ring again. 

“Does someone want to be warden’s dildo tonight?” she coos, and jangles the ring. 

Itachi moans around her fingers. There’s drool welling up at the corners of his mouth, spilling over her fingers. His lips are obediently tight around her, sucking at her as she presses down on his tongue. She’s sure someone like Uchiha Itachi would have no problem biting her fingers off if he wanted to. But she’s also confident he won’t. The thrill this gives her is downright addicting. 

Karin retracts her fingers and commands Itachi to strip. He does so quickly, pulling away the ugly prison uniform but leaving the blindfold in place. Karin keeps a close watch on him as she pulls off her own clothing. She re-buckles her belt around her naked waist, clasping the keyring to it. 

Karin shoves Itachi down onto his back and then sits on him. She doesn’t take him into her quite yet, instead sitting back for a moment to enjoy the view. Itachi looks good, with his hair tangled and spilled across the concrete floor of his cell. 

I want to take off the blindfold, Karin decides. I want to see his whole face. 

She’ll have to be careful to maintain power over him to do this. She’s confident, based on the way Itachi’s chakra is buzzing in anticipation below her, and given he made no move to remove the blindfold himself, that he wants this. That he’s as turned on by this as she is. He wants her calling all the shots, wants her to be the one that graciously frees him. 

Karin lifts her hips a little, and then guides his length inside of her. She’s turned on and wet enough that it slides into her easily, and it stretches her out in the best way. Underneath her, Itachi’s fingers tense and try to dig into the concrete floor. 

“You like this,” Karin says. It’s a statement, not a question. She sets his hand over his abdomen and watches as goose bumps spread up his skin. “You want me to fuck you.”

She keeps her hips firmly in place, unmoving as she traces her fingers up Itachi’s body, across the plain of his abs and pectorals. He’s not as built as she’d expect for a close-combat ninja, but she supposes being sick in prison will do that to you. He’s still pretty, though, gasping and sweaty beneath her. His chakra is tumultuous, lustful in torturous anticipation for her. 

Karin doesn’t give it to him, as much as she wants to just give in herself and ride him until she has her own screaming orgasm. 

“Tell me you want me to fuck you,” Karin says, fingers ghosting up his throat. 

Itachi lets out a guttural groan but continues not to say anything. Karin leans forward slightly, achingly slowly, letting him shift just slightly inside her. The keys slip against her hip and let out a single jingle. The noise that comes out of Itachi next is a little higher, more throaty and definitely more desperate. Karin slowly slips a thumb under his blindfold and pulls it up. Underneath, his dark eyes are glassy and unfocused. 

“Tell me you want me to fuck you,” Karin commands, looking him directly in in the eyes. “Or else I will sit here all day until you beg me.”

Karin kind of wants to hear Itachi beg. But also, she would like to hurry up and get on with riding him into oblivion. 

Karin clenches her walls as best she can, just to give him a taste. Itachi gasps, blinking hard, his mouth open and panting. 

“I…” he finally stammers out. “I want you to fuck me.”

Karin pats his cheek. “Good,” she tells him in her sweetest voice. 

Karin sits up, but still doesn’t make a move to actually fuck him. Instead she sits back, staring down at her conquest. Itachi lies there helplessly, even with all his physical restraints removed and his eyes given back to him. He stares back up at her, face flushed and eyes pleading. How long can she bear to just sit here like this, drinking in the view…? 

“Please,” Itachi says after a minute. His hands go over her thighs, although he makes no move to grip her or move her. His hips twitch but he makes no move to buck into her. “Please,” he begs.

Karin wants to make him wait longer, to make him beg her harder, but she’s too turned on to wait herself. She rolls her hips, slowly and deliberately, and his dick feels so fucking good inside her as she moves. The face Itachi makes is exquisite, his eyes squeezing shut as she finally gives him what he wants. 

Karin puts her hands over his and moves Itachi’s hands up further on her legs to her hips, so he can grip her better. 

“Fuck me back,” she commands. 

She rolls her hips again, and this time Itachi matches her, thrusting upwards. The keys jangle at her hips, and Karin lets out a throaty oh! at how fantastic it feels, Itachi moving against her and filling her perfectly, perfectly teasing the line between being painful and feeling like complete ecstasy. Her cunt aches as he thrusts into her, and she commands he go faster and harder, and so he does. 

Karin loves the way chakra feels mid sex. She loves feeling Itachi’s darken with lust and then roll with satisfaction when she finally gives it to him, and she loves knowing this is all under her control. She rides him, rides the wave of his chakra, and lets herself get as loud as she wants, her voice drowning out the sound of her keyring at her side. 

When she can feel Itachi coming close, his chakra rising and tightening with fervent excitement, Karin decides she wants control even over this. She wants him to associate his orgasm with her, with seeding everything about him to her. And so Karin shoves her forearm into his mouth. 

“Bite me,” she commands. Then without waiting for a response, she shoves his jaw upward with her other hand to make him. 

Usually, Karin requests no biting or teeth from her sexual partner. It’s something that, in her childhood, she associated with a complete loss of her own agency. But as an adult, Karin gives her powers to who she wants, and she wants a full-strength Uchiha Itachi under her, writhing with pleasure for her, his hands and eyes on her only for her own pleasure. 

Itachi moans pathetically as her chakra rushes into him, forcing his body to heal itself, convalescing itself in his lungs full of scar tissue. He shakes, gasping and whimpering as he finally cums inside her, mediated by Karin’s own chakra, and Karin grins down at him with all her teeth. She does her best to ride him through it, even as she comes undone herself. 

“What…” Itachi starts, blinking away confusion. Karin slides off of him, brushing her hair over her shoulders. 

Karin stands and then, just for a little treat, sets one foot on Itachi’s chest. The movement makes the keys jingle one more time, and Itachi gasps again and makes a face like he had in the middle of having his brain blown by Karin. She smirks down at him. Itachi is at full strength now, and he simply lies on the floor for her, messy and covered in both their fluids. 

“You’re going to be my pretty little prison lay from now on,” Karin tells him. 

Itachi glances down himself at her foot, and then turns his head slightly to look up at her. 

“I’m not going to agree to this indefinitely,” he says finally. He still, Karin notes, continues to simply just lie there. 

“No,” Karin tells him, “you are. Because if you sit pretty and put on a big show of following my every command, of being my loyal little sex toy, then I will help you break out and find Sasuke.”

After all, how much power can she flex over this place, if she has an unrestrained Uchiha Itachi at her beck and call, letting her put him on a leash? She’ll be able to burn this place down herself. She’ll be able to leave. 

And also, she is going to get dicked down and eaten out as much as she wants. 

Itachi blinks down at her foot again. 

“...alright,” he says at length. 

Karin presses her foot down over him. “Every command, Uchiha,” she insists. 

Itachi lies back, relaxing under her. 

“Yes, Warden,” he murmurs.

[misfit-mccoward]

ummm so someone was like "what if via fuinjutsu shenanigans minato accidentally became a pretty girl and kushina ate her out"

Kushina woke up to her fiance standing in their dark bedroom, clearly in some sort of panic. This happened just often enough that she herself didn’t also panic. 

“Kushina! Kushina!” Minato whispered at her. This was definitely an I fucked up a technique panic and not a someone’s injured panic. Although… something was off about his voice. 

“Minato?” Kushina yawned, rolling over and reaching for the chain of her bedside lamp. “What’s wrong?”

She turned the light on and blinked up at her fiance. Had he hiraishined out of his own pants again? That was the type of fuck up she liked to field. She eyed him up and down, hopefully searching for missing clothing. She hadn’t seen him in over a week due to missions, and she’d be very pleased if he’d surprised her with something fun like that. 

But there was no obviously missing pieces of clothing, and Minato seemed completely unharmed aside from the fact that he kept hopping from foot to foot nervously. His clothes seem to fit him a little wrong, but Kushina coughed that up to the fact that he was absolutely drenched in blood. His clothes hung off of him, wet and heavy and nearly black with blood. 

“None of that blood is yours, is it?” Kushina asked, eyeing him. She knew Minato’s kill count was… prolific… but usually he cleaned up before coming home. 

“N-no,” Minato replied, his voice high from… nerves? “No, Kushina, I fucked up so bad.”

Kushina pushed off her covers and sat on the side of the bed as she listened to Minato’s explanation. As she blinked sleep away from her eyes, his profile seemed more and more off. His shoulders were slightly narrower. His pants were tight in the hips and thighs. His vest fit wrong over his chest. He might have somehow lost a few centimeters of height.

Minato had been on the usual sort of hyper violent war mission he took nowadays, and had realized the Iwa platoon he was supposed to take out was a bit larger than Konoha intel had informed him. This hadn’t slowed him down or made him hesitate, but it had seemed to him a perfect opportunity to try out a new piece of fuuinjutsu. 

“And I think… my body…”

Minato unzipped his vest. Blood had soaked through the fabric of the vest and into his shirt, molding it to his chest with its tacky wetness. Kushina could perfectly see now that her fiance now sported a pair of perky tits. 

Kushina leaned back slightly, her eyes going over him with a new understanding. Yes. Her fiance now definitely had… womanly curves. 

“Huh,” Kushina said at length. 

“What should I do?” Minato asked, bottom lip sticking out and pouty. Now that Kushina was looking properly, somehow Minato’s face had gotten even prettier. 

“Well, do you…” Kushina started. She didn’t even know how to word her questions. “It’s your whole body?”

“I didn’t really check,” Minato replied. “I was too busy killing people.”

Kushina ignored the little excited flip deep in her stomach. Her poor fiance was upset. She could wait until later to make him explain to her how he spontaneously grew a pair of boobs mid-murder. 

“We should check now,” Kushina decided, standing up. 

Minato nodded and pulled his blood-soaked vest and outer shirt off, discarding them to the floor with gross squelching noises. Underneath, he was wearing the standard mesh armor and a pair of arm guards. The arm guards were a hair loose now, as he seemed to have lost a bit of muscle mass. The mesh, which came custom fit and was meant to be skin tight, now also fit all wrong. 

“That explains why they hurt,” Minato said, and Kushina winced in sympathy. 

The mesh had gone loose around his waist, but his new tits were smashed against his chest. Flesh pushed out from between the tiny gaps in the mesh. The skin was red from irritation. 

“Here, I’ll help,” Kushina said, reaching forward. 

She peeled off the arm guards easily enough, and then carefully rolled up the mesh shirt. Minato’s pants now rode lower on his newly narrower waist and wider hips, and Kushina had to dip her hands into the band of his pants to reach the hem of the shirt. Minato shivered slightly as she did this, then a few seconds later outright whimpered as she slowly rolled the fabric over his chest. 

Minato raised his arms over his head to assist her pulling the mesh shirt off. Kushina paused anyway, the heavy fabric around his forearms, and she stared down. Minato’s skin was not red from irritation. 

Minato’s new breasts were small and perky enough that, with his arms raised, there was no drape or sag. They sat perfectly on his ribcage, round and soft looking, and were totally covered in swathes of blood. Not his blood, of course, but the blood of the tens of enemies ninja he’d just killed all by his lonesome. It had soaked through all three lays of clothing, and then been rubbed around on his new boobs. It was a darker red along his sternum between his breasts, where there had been less rubbing of fabric, and Kushina could see marks where it had been dripping over him before drying. 

“Ku-shi-na,” Minato whined, her face obscured by the mesh around her arms. The cool air of the air made her nipples tighten and erect themselves beneath Kushina’s gaze, and Minato wiggled against the constraint of the mesh, causing her boobs to jiggle right in Kushina’s face. 

Kushina blinked rapidly. “Her boobs”...? Kushina had really just switched up how she was thinking about her fiance at just the sight of bare boobs, huh. And, oh, she was starting to ache between her legs.

This is Minato’s fault for always cleaning up first, Kushina decided, pulling the mesh shirt up and over Minato’s arms. I haven’t been desensitized to how hot he looks covered in blood! 

Once she’d pulled the mesh off completely, Minato stood a half step back and grinned down at her, looking mildly windswept. There were flecks of red-brown blood in his golden hair, cutely mussed around his head, and blood splattered across his face. 

Minato looked down at herself… himself, Kushina tried to remind herself and then immediately forgot. Both of Minato’s hands came up, grasping her breasts and squeezing experimentally. She rubbed at them gently, the way one would to relieve sore muscles. Her bare stomach was also splashed with blood, and her pants hung around her hips and then tightened over her now rounder thighs. Kushina swallowed hard at the sight. 

“Huh,” Minato said, shifting her hands to cup both breasts, blinking down at them in wonder. “I don’t know why… this happened…”

Kushina cleared her throat, and Minato looked up at her again, blue eyes wide but no longer filled with panic. Minato seemed… calmer, and she was completely unharmed. Kushina, aching with desire, decided she deserved trying this. 

“Let me see,” Kushina said, then stepped forward and placed her own hands over Minato’s chest. 

Minato’s breasts were the exact right size for Kushina to palm, and Minato let out a soft little oh at the gesture. They were only a little sticky with blood. 

“Do they still hurt?” Kushina asked. 

“No,” Minato stammered out. “That feels… good.”

“Have you checked… downstairs… yet?” Kushina asked, gently rolling Minato’s tits in a little circle.

Minato bit her lip, eyes going glassy as she fluttered them down at Kushina. She made no move to stop Kushina from fondling her. 

“Can you check for me?” Minato asked. 

Kushina slowly ghosted one hand down Minato’s stomach, and Minato shuddered at her touch. Then Kushina slid her fingers under the hem of her pants, palm against Minato’s pelvic area, and Minato made the absolute best face Kushina had ever seen. 

Minato did indeed seem to have spontaneously lost his dick and grown a vagina. 

“Should we see if it’s… functional?” Kushina asked, sliding her whole hand under Minato to hold her. She let just the pad of her middle finger part Minato’s folds, and Minato made a tiny keening noise and grabbed for Kushina’s hips. 

“You’re the fuuinjutsu expert,” Minato said, voice breathy. “If you think it’s necessary…”

Minato’s eyes had gone dark, her gaze hot as she looked down into Kushina’s face. She felt so warm over Kushina’s hand. 

“I think it’s absolutely necessary,” Kushina replied. 

She pressed her finger into Minato the rest of the way. Minato made a loud, throaty noise, tightening her grip on Kushina’s hips. 

“Oh,” Minato moaned. “Oh, that’s different.”

As hot as Minato looked covered in blood, Kushina wasn’t so daring as to have sex like that. They moved to the bathroom, and Minato nearly tripped over herself getting her pants and under armor off for Kushina on the way. 

Minato did not look wildly different now. She still had obvious muscle tone, and the same wild blonde hair, and she still looked at Kushina with the same lustful face. But she had curves now, and cute little tits, and a brand new vagina that Kushina couldn’t wait to taste. 

Kushina made Minato sit on their little bathing stool beside the tub while she held the shower head over her. She watched as the water washed the blood off her fiance's body, red cascading down her to pool on the bathroom floor. 

Fuck, Kushina thought, rubbing her thighs together as she worked feverishly to clean Minato as quickly as possible. Why is that so hot!

Minato watched her thighs in evident interest the entire time, not even bothering to put on a sexy show by letting soap suds get everywhere the way Kushina would. That was fine. Kushina wanted her now, and a sexy little show would only slow them down. 

“Should we get your vibrator?” Minato wondered when Kushina declared her clean. She looked down at her own crotch, clearly a little confused. “I feel… hmm.”

Kushina picked her up around the waist and hoisted her over her shoulder to carry to bed. Minato giggled, same as she would before when Kushina did this. 

Kushina had only been wearing a T-shirt and panties when she’d been woken up by this fun surprise, and they were now both damp from speed-washing her partner. She lost them immediately before crawling into bed with Minato. Minato laughed, wrapping her arms around her as Kushina pressed her lips to hers. 

Making out felt almost exactly the same, except for that the shape of Minato had changed a little. Minato’s hands on Kushina had the same callouses, and she grabbed at the same places and held her the same way, but everything was slightly smaller. 

“I’ve always wanted to try it with a girl,” Kushina breathed to Minato ear before sucking her earlobe. 

Minato moaned loudly, then cut herself off. 

“Kushina,” she said, sounding a little overwhelmed. “I don’t… this is very wet.”

Kushina pulled back. Minato’s face was the very definition of hot and bothered. Her cheeks were flushed, and she looked both aroused and uncomfortable and unsure of herself. 

“I feel wet?” Minato tried, a pout to her voice. “Help.”

“Here,” Kushina said, rolling Minato onto her back. “Let me take a look.”

Kushina had never touched anyone’s vagina but her own, because Minato had been her only ever sexual partner. But, that also meant Minato had also been the recipient of her disastrous first blowjob and had still cried about how much he loved her, and they’d both fumbled a lot of sexual acts and still been super into each other. So, despite only having the vaguest idea of what to do, Kushina did not hesitate to push apart Minato’s legs and stick her face between her thighs. 

“Oh!” Minato went. 

Kushina parted Minato’s slit with two fingers. Yes, Minato did indeed have a whole vag, and she was very wet. Kushina loved that. She brought her face up to it and licked at it experimentally, tasting her. Minato let out a wordless little yelp. 

“You like that?” Kushina asked. She pulled back slightly, watching as Minato squirmed around her. 

“It’s different,” Minato said. “Do it again.”

Kushina had never eaten out any vaginas, but she did think Minato was rather good at it. She tried replicating a few of her favorite moves, listening to the nonsensical noises Minato made as she went. 

Eventually, Minato let out a loud moan, and so Kushina repeated that move a few more times. None of Minato’s tells for how turned on she was had changed in this new form, although she’d lost the ability to articulate what exactly she wanted done to her on account of being new to having a few things. 

“Kushina,” Minato breathed, voice deep and raspy, as Kushina sucked at her clit. 

Eating pussy was fun, Kushina decided. No wonder MInato liked it so much!

Eventually, Minato let out a weird squeak and then, when Kushina kept going, got extra squirmy for a few minutes before asking Kushina to stop. 

“Did you come?” Kushina asked, sitting up. 

“I… think so…?” Minato replied. She was completely flushed and sweaty. “I’m… I’m almost, like… sore now…?”

“That sounds about right,” Kushina replied. She wiped fluids from her lips with her thumb. 

Minato looked so good, limbless on the bed beneath her. Every Minato was incredibly pretty, it turned out, but this new form was like a whole new frontier of fun explorations. She was a little softer and more delicate looking, but just as lethal and devastatingly in love with Kushina as she’d been before, and Kushina wanted her all for herself. 

Kushina asked, “Should we get the vibrator now?”

“For you?” Minato asked. 

Kushina smirked at her. 

xXx

“Yeah, you have a fully functional cunt,” Kushina diagnosed. 

Minato was draped over her lap, looking practically cross eyed. She had looked good covered in blood before, and now she looked good covered in a thin sheen of sweat with her hair completely messed up by Kushina. 

“What do we do about it?” Minato asked. 

“How quickly do you want to change back?” Kushina asked. She had a few ideas about what went wrong, based on Minato’s description, but reversing it would take some time and a bunch of testing, and she’d have to rearrange her schedule a lot to expedite it. She explained this all to Minato; she could and would do it for Minato’s benefit, but she wanted to know how urgent it was. 

“Well,” Minato said. Her hands came up as she squeezed her own breasts, a thoughtful expression on her face. She turned her head, meeting Kushina’s eyes. “I guess I wouldn’t mind staying like this a bit longer…”

[misfit-mccoward]

oh yeah i added more onto the deidara/minakushi au. takes place after the events written up here, where deidara is taken captive by konoha

ummm i guess content warning that consent in this fic follows porn logic, not real world logic. so everyone is happy about having sex and into it, even though one person is being held prisoner against her will

****

Deidara mopes in her cell. She has a cot with a single blanket she considered blowing up to try and escape, but the room is so obviously plastered in fuinjutsu that she doesn’t bother. Instead she lies on the cot, thinking about her current circumstance. 

Being captured by Konoha was pretty bad. She didn’t like that, or being thrown in a little room by herself. But this wasn’t as bad as the sting of being betrayed by Akatsuki. After she’d done so much for all of them, and they’d just thrown her out like trash?

I’ll get my revenge, Deidara decides. She’ll tell Konoha, and any other village that will listen, all their little secrets. Then she’ll go over and blow them up herself if she can!

Except. Here is what was throwing her for a loop. Why hadn’t the Hokage fucked her?

You see, dear reader, Deidara’s logic does not function as ours does. To her, the benefit of being tied up is that someone will come and fuck her. The entire world is her plaything, and she doesn’t understand why she has been denied. 

Deidara had never actually been captured before. But she’d detained other ninja a few times, and it seemed like every time they were wildly hot criminals and she ended up being uncharacteristically clumsy and tripping and falling right into their junk. Then they’d have a fun little sexy game where they both pretended they hated each other, have sex, and then all conflict would be resolved. It was the great unifying force of her world. 

Is it some sort of power play kink? She wonders. She dips a hand down her pants, playing with herself as she toys with some different ideas. He came in, flashing his massive, delicious looking cock, and then not done anything to her. Orgasm denial?

And his dick had looked so good, Deidara remembers, moving her fingers faster. In Deidara’s world, there was nothing better than having the biggest, fattest dick shoved inside her. It wasn’t fair to tease her and then leave her with next to nothing! Just a cumshot? Really? She’d even offered more. 

The logical path forward had seemed so obvious to her, the moment she’d seen him. He should have threatened to fuck her, she’d have pretended to not be into it for a hot second, and then finally they’d mutually go at it and she’d come about seven times and he’d fall in love with her and do whatever she wanted. That was just what the natural course of action should have been here. 

I’ll have to try harder, she decides. She works another finger into herself, breathing hard. She’ll seduce the Hokage, make him help her get her revenge, and have a ton of kinky sex!

The resulting orgasm she solicits from herself is, honestly, kind of sad. She wishes she just had his dick…

And if all that doesn’t work, she thinks, rolling over to her side. I’ll just escape, yeah. 

xXx

In the morning, the Hokage comes into her cell. Annoyingly, he’s wearing actual pants this time. Behind him is a pretty woman. 

Deidara eyes her critically. She’s around Konan’s age, with long red hair. It frames her face and makes her pouty lips look even redder than they really are. Her outfit is cute but unsexy, a loose fitting haori over Konoha blue shirt and trousers. 

Deidara writes her off. She’s hot, but clearly not hot enough to be a major player. 

“Who’s this?” Deidara asks, turning back to Minato. “Your sexy secretary you touch yourself at night to?” 

Minato clears his throat. “This is Kushina, my wife.”

He explains that Kushina is the resident fuuinjutsu master who will be sealing Deidara’s chakra, and Deidara goes back to studying her. Could Deidara convince Minato to cheat on his wife for her…? Deidara’s never not been able to tempt a married person before, but Minato appears… resistant. 

They take Deidara to a nondescript room and tell her to take off her clothes. 

“It’s for the seal,” Minato says, carefully not looking Deidara in the eyes. His cheeks are pink, even as his tone remains professional. “It will cover your whole body.”

“Okay,” Deidara says, deciding maybe this will be fun after all. 

She’s as sexy as she can be as she takes off her clothes, rolling her body as she removes her shirt. They took away her own bra cover in the Hokage’s cum, which is a shame, and gave her an ugly beige one, which is an even bigger shame. In Deidara’s world, all bras were sexy and could make your cleavage look amazing. Who knew they could be ugly?

She throws her dsicarded clothes in the vague direction of Minato, who shies away from them, like they might harm him if he stands too close.

Despite flinching away from her tossed clothes, Minato very obviously does not watch her as she strips, although Kushina watches her with evident interest. Deidara smirks at her. 

“Kushina will be taking the lead, ma’am,” Minato says, still not looking at her naked body. 

“Ma’am?” Both Deidara and Kushina repeat, incredulous. 

Kushina explains she will have to paint all over Deidara’s body, and that she should listen to Kushina’s instructions on how to move carefully, or else the seal could get messed up in a way that could kill Deidara. Deidara is sure it could also get messed up in a way that would motivate her to move around a lot, such as just failing to work. Or, once, Deidara had heard of someone getting a zero gravity seal stuck to her tits, which sounds kind of fun. 

“And Hokage-sama won’t be helping?” Deidara asks, trying not to sound too hopeful. Maybe he won’t fuck her, but she could probably get herself off to him coming on her again. 

“No,” Kushina says, stepping up closer to Deidara. “You’re stuck with me, you know.”

Kushina then eyes Deidara up and down slowly, taking in every inch of her naked body. 

“Ugh,” Kushina says, frowning in concentration. “There’s a lot of chakra static interference. Must be because we both have so much.”

“Chakra static?” Minato prompts, as if he’s never heard this term before. Which is absurd, because this is a very well-recorded and real thing in Deidara’s world. 

“Yes, it happens when chakra residue interferes with itself,” Kushina says. She frowns at Minato. “Surely you’ve run into it before. I have this problem all the time, since I have so much excess.”

“Well…” Minato starts, looking unsure of himself. 

“Only one thing for it, you know,” Kushina says, and then shrugs off her haori. “The best way to get rid of static is to take off all your clothes.

“Wait,” Minato starts, alarmed, but Kushina tosses her shirt at him, followed by the rest of her clothes. 

Kushina strips down to her bra and panties, which are a lacy matching set the same shade of vivid red as her hair. This choice for work makes sense to Deidara. Why wouldn’t she be dressed like this?

Kushina’s figure, once it's revealed to Deidara, is perfect. She has long, shapely legs leading to perfectly round hips, and her stomach is toned from her active lifestyle as a ninja. Her boobs are also pretty big, pushed up by her bra and then overflowing, like she’d recently grown a cup size and hadn’t yet bought new underwear. 

Maybe she is a major player, Deidara thinks, imagining running her tongue over the lacy edges of Kushina’s bra. 

“Wait, Kushina,” Minato repeats, clutching her clothes to him like they’re protecting him from something. Or maybe hiding another erection. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Of course I do,” Kushina replies, running her eyes over Deidara’s naked body clinically. Deidara shivers. “A permanent chakra sealing is tricky work. We can’t have any static, you know.”

Wait, Deidara thinks, her attention on Kushina’s thick thighs snapped. They said that before.

“What do you mean, ‘permanent’?” Deidara asks, suddenly feeling nervous. 

“We’re going to permanently cut off your ability to mold chakra, so you can never use jutsu again,” Kushina says. She takes another step towards Deidara. “Since you just have so much and are so, so dangerous.”

Deidara’s brain buzzes. She can smell Kushina’s floral scent, some sort of perfume wafting off her, and the way Kushina calls her dangerous makes something inside of Deidara turn hot. But, also, having all her chakra cut off forever seems like… like such a bad outcome. She wouldn’t be able to make art anymore, or get her revenge. 

This isn’t fair, Deidara thinks, taking a step back. I just wanted to fuck someone hot and have them help kill my enemies, is that so much to ask for?!

“Fuck off,” Deidara hisses out, and then she makes a run for it. 

Deidara makes a hand sign, and her clothes, covered in her saliva, explode. Minato, standing against the wall where she’d tossed them, leaps to the side. With his attention diverted, Deidara grabs for Kushina’s throat, aiming to rip it out with her hand mouths. 

“No,” Kushina tells her firmly, and then Deidara’s arm is being yanked back. 

Gold chains bloom from the floor, wrapping around Deidara’s arms and legs. She yelps, struggling against them, but they pull her back and pin her to the floor. Her arms and legs are both pulled apart. Kushina leans over her, her red hair swaying around her face. 

“Not even you can get out of those,” Kushina tells her. “Now lay there and behave.”

Deidara glares up at the ceiling as Kushina and Minato have a brief conversation about her. Deidara makes a few attempts to pull at the chains, but they are solid and unmoving around her. 

Kushina reappears in her peripheral vision. Then Kushina steps over her, panting her feet on either side of Deidara’s hips, and then lowers herself. Kushina sits on Deidara’s hips, her knees on either side of her. 

“Kushina,” Minato objects.

“This is the best angle,” Kushina replies. 

Kushina turns and looks down at Deidara, whose opinion of the situation is getting more and more confused in her mind. Deidara doesn’t want her chakra sealed. But also, this position… 

Holy fuck, Deidara thinks. 

Looking up at her, Kushina looks like some sort of goddess. Her blood red hair is haloed by the light above, and her hair drips over her shoulders like rivers of crimson. Backlit as she is, her hair seems to blend with the lace of her underwear, like she’s sitting completely naked and in charge on top of Deidara. 

Kushina’s thighs are firm over her, squeezing around Deidara’s hips. Kushina has her pinned completely, unable to move except at Kushina’s whim. 

Kushina is holding a pot of ink and a brush. 

“Most of this will go over your heart,” Kushina says, and then reaches forward and touches Deidara. 

Her hand is warm as she sets it over Deidara’s breast, moving it gently. Deidara lets out a whimper, her whole body feeling hot. Kushina moves her, manipulates her, has complete control over her, and Deidara can’t help but be aroused. 

Off in the corner, Minato makes a weird noise. 

“I can take it from here if you can’t handle it,” Kushina says, her eyes not moving from Deidara. “It’s not like she can do anything like this.”

Deidara wimpers again, her cunt suddenly aching. She’ll let Kushina do anything to her, actually, if it keeps going like this. 

Minato must leave, because there’s no more commentary from him as Kushina carefully paints a seal over Deidara. The ink feels cool in the air, and Deidara shivers. She feels her nipples harden from either the temperature or just from her own arousal. 

“You already have a seal here,” Kushina observes of Deidara’s chest. Her finger traces it, and her face cocks to the side in interest. “I’ll have to be careful.”

Usually, Deidara would mock Kushina, ask her if she was enjoying playing with her tits. But for this, whatever this is, Deidara stays silent, letting Kushina press down on her or move her as she wants. The only sound that comes from Deidara are a few sad little whines. 

If she behaves, Kushina will finish her, right? They’ll have sex. Deidara is desperate for this inevitability, the warmth and ache between her legs gradually increasing with intensity. 

Kushina’s seal also goes over both arms, and Kushina leans directly over Deidara’s face to get at them, putting her breasts on full display. Deidara pulls half-heartedly at the chains on her legs and arms, wishing she could do anything to alleviate the ache between her legs, or that she could press herself up to touch Kushina back. 

Kushina paints over her stomach, ignoring the sad sounds of desperation Deidara makes, and then retreats to kneel between Deidara’s legs to seal them as well. 

Kushina must be able to smell Deidara, see how she’d basically dripping for her. Kushina doesn’t comment though, feeling up Deidara’s legs before painting her strange symbols over them. Deidara lets out a little moan as the brush moves against the soft flesh of her inner thighs.

Kushina doesn’t touch her, though, doesn’t even dip the soft brush into her. Deidara bites her bottom lips, her thigh muscles tensing as she tries to bring them together, but Kushina holds her firm. Deidara wants it so bad it’s physically painful. 

“There,” Kushina finally says, sounding pleased with herself. “Now I just have to activate it.”

She straddles Deidara’s hips again, peering down at her. This is Deidara’s last moment to stop this, her last chance to prevent her chakra from being sealed entirely, from letting Kushina completely and utterly bend her to her will. 

“I’ll have to do it with my mouth,” Kushina says. “Be good and don’t resist.”

Never mind, Deidara thinks. She doesn’t even argue as Kushina sets both hands on either side of Deidara's head. 

The logic of this jutsu makes perfect sense to Deidara. After all, how else is one supposed to get their chakra inside another person?

Kushina lowers herself slowly, and Deidara notes that her perfect white teeth are just a little sharper than usual. Her lips are soft as they meet Deidara’s, but her tongue slips into Deidara’s mouth with no preamble or teasing. It’s a domineering move, entering her and forcing chakra into her, and Deidara does nothing to resist. She lays there, unable to move, feeling the power of Kushina’s hot chakra roll and push its way down her throat, her cunt throbbing for the same attention. 

Kushina’s chakra feels like nothing Deidara has experienced before. It’s hot, burning, and so strong it seems like no one should be able to fight it. Deidara gasps against Kushina’s mouth as it fills her chest, making her feel hot. 

Kushina’s tongue stays in her though, and Deidara squirms. She swallows up more chakra, greedy for it even as it seems like too much, as it fills her, trying to beam into Kushina mind that Deidara is hers and she could do whatever she wants to her. Overwhelmed with arousal, Deidara starts sucking her tongue, and Kushina pulls back. 

“Huh,” Kushina says, staring down at how Deidara is panting pathetically from her, their lips still connected by a string of saliva. “Maybe that seal in your chest is a problem.”

“Wha…” Deidara says, inarticulate. Kushina climbs off of her, and Deidara whines for her to come back. 

“Your chakra is sealed for now,” Kushina tells her, standing over her. “But I’ll have to talk to Minato. You might have lucked out; I don’t think it’s actually going to stick forever.”

Of course, Deidara thinks, struggling against the chains, desperate to get her legs together if Kushina wasn’t going to touch her for her. Because otherwise I wouldn’t fuck you, and I need you to fuck me. 

“So will you fuck me now?” Deidara asks, sounding pathetically needy even to her own ears. 

“Fuck you?” Kushina asks, sounding surprised. “No, Minato says we shouldn’t…”

“But I want it!” Deidara cries, feeling actual tears prick in the corners of her eyes. “I want it so bad, yeah!”

Kushina is staring down at her, and Deidara sees something behind her eyes wavering. Deidara squirms some more, doing her best to make her boobs shift and bounce for Kushina, as they’re the only unbound part of her. 

“You– you got me spread eagle and horny,” Deidara whines, feeling the weight of her breasts roll over her and wishing Kushina would just reach down and squeeze them. “And you won’t even fuck me? Isn’t this some sort of war crime?”

Kushina hesitates. She bites her bottom lip, and Deidara can tell she wants it too. 

“Well,” Kushina says at length. “There’s another way I could activate your seal, you know.”

Kushina gets down on her knees between Deidara legs. Deidara feels the chains on her ankles loosen, and she does not need to be commanded to move her legs onto Kushina’s shoulders. 

Kushina’s hands dig into her thighs, holding her in place, and then her tongue licks the length of Deidara’s cunt, tasting her. Deidara lets out a strangled yell of pleasure, her tears from her pleading dripping down her face as she squeezes her eyes shut. 

Kushina buries her face into Deidara, her nose brushing against her clit as her tongue dips as deep into Deidara as she can get it. Hot chakra fills Deidara again, seeping into her like Kushina owns Deidara, like Kushina is pushing her way in and taking over every part of Deidara, and Deidara groans out Kushina’s name from how good it feels. Kushina keeps going, relentless, her chakra full and strong and unending as it creeps up Deidara’s body and into every one of her nerve cells, until Deidara finally comes, her legs shaking as she gasps out Kushina’s name again. 

Kushina drops her legs. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. 

“So,” Kushina says. The chains retreat from Deidara, who stays lying in a sweaty, panting mess on the floor. “That didn’t work, but it was worth the try, you know.”

“So what are you going to do?” Deidara asks. Her voice is weak and pathetic. She hopes Kushina will try again. 

“I have to talk to my husband,” Kushina replies. Deidara clicks her tongue, annoyed. That guy is hot, but he’s so annoying.

[misfit-mccoward]

oh wait here's breasted boobily deidara/konan: extended version

The thing about “straight” women and Deidara is that they always end up in a public bath or a hot spring together. And, given Deidara has a habit of sitting around at those with the back of her hand laying out on the seat next to her, they always end up accidentally sitting on her hand. It’s happened to Deidara at least eight times. 

So, when the hot water at the Akatsuki base breaks, Deidara figures it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. She puts on a full face of makeup and heads to the public baths. 

Because the universe caters to Deidara, all the people in the bath when she arrives are attractive ladies in their twenties and thirties, plus one smoking hot woman in her fifties who’s probably unappreciated by husband and hasn’t actually orgasmed in years. Deidara makes sure everyone gets to see her bend over in her thong as she undresses, and she spends a very long time rubbing soap suds over her breasts as she bathes. Everyone’s eyes are on her, and she figures her chances of getting laid are high. She happily breasts boobily over to the baths to soak. 

I hope it’s the MILF, Deidara thinks as she settles into the water. Her boobs float up in front of her. I love older women. 

The woman who comes to sit with her is a very pleasant surprise instead. Deidara only waits a few minutes before Konan shows up, walking into the bath part of the bathing facility wrapped in a tiny towel. Deidara’s breath hitches. No way will ice queen Konan go for this. 

Oh but god, what if she did? Konan is one of the hottest women Deidara has ever met. She rubs her thighs together in anticipation. 

There’s a handful of other women in the bath, and Konan eyes them briefly before stepping into the bath and heading toward Deidara. She drops her towel at the side of the bath. Deidara is excited to see that Konan’s neatly trimmed pubes are the exact same indigo blue as her hair, and that her belly button is pierced. Deidara doesn’t know much about piercings, but Konan has multiple dotting her stomach in a star of metallic beads. Konan’s stomach is toned around the pretty piercings, although her hips are round and soft looking. Deidara watches, entranced, as the water line raises up around Konan’s thighs as she steps into the bath and walks across it to Deidara. 

Deidara holds her breath, and Konan sits next to her. Like all straight girls in this situation, Konan manages to accidentally sit vag first on Deidara’s hand. Deidara’s hand tongue has been lolling out, drifting in the water of the bath, and it slides in between Konan’s folds without Deidara having to do anything. 

Usually, the girl’s eyes will widen in surprise, and she’ll make some cute little squeaky noises as she bounces around on Deidara, confused and aroused by what’s happened. Konan’s gaze just lowers thoughtfully in the direction of her lap. Deidara is too wound up in anticipation of Konan’s reaction to actually move her tongue. 

“Hmm,” Konan says. Deidara stares at her, frozen. 

The seats in the bath are benches, detached from the sides of the bath. Konan rotates to the side, wedging one leg between the wall of the bath and the bench as she faces Deidara, straddling her hand. Her cunt is fully against the hand mouth now, and Konan shifts her hips slightly, grinding herself against Deidara even as her posture remains perfectly straight, her face impassive. 

“There are people watching us,” Konan murmurs, but her expression gains a hint of a challenge. She reaches forward, taking Deidara’s free hand in hers, and guides it under the water between her legs. “Don’t be loud.”

Deidara wedges her fingers not trapped by Konan’s thighs between her other palm and Konan, so she can dip them into Konan and finger her clit. Konan watches her from under hooded eyes. With Konan expressionless, Deidara has no way to judge if her efforts are actually working, but instead of being frustrating, this just excites Deidara. Can she make the ice queen break? Even just a little moan or a sigh or a twitch would make her day. 

While she massages her clit, Deidara tongues Konan’s opening, shoving herself as far in as she can and licking against Konan’s walls in search of a g-spot. When Deidara had been trying to solve the mystery of why the average dick here was smaller than in her world, or why sex wasn’t automatically happening by her just sitting on someone’s bed or locking herself in a closet with them, she’d found out that a lot of woman couldn’t seem to orgasm just from penetration and that doctors weren’t even sure the g-spot was real. 

Deidara felt so bad for the vaginas of this world. If she could, she would fuck every single one, and find every single g-spot for them. 

Of course, it wasn’t fair to just rely on penetration, which was why Deidara dutifully fingers Konan’s clit, rolling her finger tips around it and then rubbing them over it, eyes searching Konan’s face for a reaction. Even under the water, Deidara can feel that Konan is wet for her, her own fluids thicker and slicker than the water. 

When she finally gets a reaction, it doesn't actually reach Konan’s face. Instead, when Deidara finally hits her g-spot, Konan’s thighs tense and her walls contract around her. Deidara hits it again, pressing her tongue into it as hard as a tongue can and circling it, finding its edges and then pushing its middle over and over, and Konan reaches up and sets a hand on Deidara’s shoulder. 

Konan doesn’t make a sound, but her eyes slide close and her face relaxes into something Deidara would describe as ecstasy. 

“Don’t stop,” Konan murmurs, and then bits of paper start detaching themselves from her shoulders and upper chest, and Deidara tongues her harder and harder, imagining she’s fucking Konan so hard and so good that she’s literally falling apart. 

The paper pieces whip around them and across the bath house, and someone screams, Bees! There’s chaos, which always excites Deidara, and she tries actively lifting her hand up, allowing her tongue to go even deeper and causing Konan to bounce. Konan lets Deidara bounce her, the sound of her breasts splashing against the water joining the chaos of people fleeing from “bees,” and her serene expression remains unbothered. Konan sets her other hand on Deidara’s shoulder as well, and a few minutes later, the room is finally empty. Konan finally allows herself one long, shuddering sigh as she orgasms, and Deidara can feel her walls contracting around her tongue. Konan’s thighs go limp over Deidara. 

Deidara smirks back at her. 

“Still straight?” Deidara dares to tease. 

Konan eyes her up and down, then reaches over and dips her hands into the water and under Deidara’s breasts. She lifts them up, so Deidara’s nipples just barely peek up from the water, and then Konan plays with them, lifting one and then the other, watching them jiggle with only mild interest. 

“These didn’t interest me before,” Konan says, squeezing them with her perfect manicured nails. “But lately I have been thinking about them.”

Deidara is secretly very pleased by this. Of course her boobs are the center of the universe. 

Then Konan stands, cupping Deidara’s chin in her hand and forcing Deidara to look up at her. Konan leans down and kisses her, her tongue slipping into Deidara’s mouth. Her tongue is pierced too, and the metal ball knocks against Deidara’s teeth as Konan enters her, her tongue tasting metallic. Deidara sucks it for her, imagining what it would feel like to be eaten out with the piercing. She wiggles against the bench, turned on and desperate. 

When she breaks the kiss and straightens back up, Konan says, “You’re cute.”

Konan leaves. Deidara watches her ass openly as she strides off, touching herself under the water. 

[misfit-mccoward]

wait okay more on my "big tiddy deidara released into a non-porn world" AU (contains both an outline and some nsfw writing under the cut)

the gist:

big tiddy deidara falls into another AU and her boobs are so powerful that she infects it with porn world logic

this big tiddy deidara is NOT the same as "...and titted downward" deidara. "...and titted downward" deidara is ridiculous, but THIS big tiddy deidara runs 1000% on porn world logic.

deidara immediately fucks dudedara

she doesn't actually want to have anything to do with the akatsuki, but she DOES want a mold of dudedara's dick. for personal reasons. so they go back to sasori together to see if he can help them out

somehow deidara ends up with the akatsuki despite hating them as a concept, and fucks her way through all of them

the AU deidara falls into is, unless i decide i need to split this into two separate stories, a "minato and kushina live" AU, so i guess itachi is not akatsuki. in fact, he can't be akatsuki, because i ship itadei too hard and she wouldn't fuck anyone else with him around

konan upon meeting her: i'm straight

konan later:

*****

The thing about “straight” women and Deidara is that they always end up in a public bath or a hot spring together. And, given Deidara has a habit of sitting around at those with the back of her hand laying out on the seat next to her, they always end up accidentally sitting on her hand. It’s happened to Deidara at least eight times. 

So, when the hot water at the Akatsuki base breaks, Deidara figures it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. She puts on a full face of makeup and heads to the public baths. 

Because the universe caters to Deidara, all the people in the bath when she arrives are attractive ladies in their twenties and thirties, plus one smoking hot woman in her fifties who’s probably unappreciated by husband and hasn’t actually orgasmed in years. Deidara makes sure everyone gets to see her bend over in her thong as she undresses, and spends a very long time rubbing soap suds over her breasts as she bathes. Everyone’s eyes are on her, and she figures her chances of getting laid are high. She happily breasts boobily over the to the baths to soak. 

She only has to wait a few minutes before Konan to also show up. Deidara’s breath hitches. No way will ice queen Konan go for this. 

There’s a handful of other women in the bath, and Konan eyes them briefly before stepping into the bath and heading toward Deidara. She drops her towel at the side of the bath. Deidara is excited to see that Konan’s belly button is pierced, and that her neatly trimmed pubes are the exact same indigo blue as her hair. Her stomach is toned around the pretty piercings, although her hips are round and soft looking. Deidara watches, entranced, and the water line raises up around Konan’s thighs as she steps into the bath and walks across it to Deidara. 

Deidara holds her breath, and Konan sits next to her. Like all straight girls, Konan manages to accidentally sit vag first on Deidara’s hand. Deidara’s hand tongue has been lolling out, drifting in the water of the bath, and it slides in between Konan’s folds without Deidara having to do anything. 

Usually, the girl’s eyes will widen in surprise, and she’ll make some cute little squeaky noise. Konan’s gaze just lowers thoughtfully in the direction of her lap. Deidara is too wound up in anticipation of Konan’s reaction to actually move her tongue. 

“Hmm,” Konan says. Deidara stares at her, frozen. 

The seats in the bath are benches, detached from the sides of the bath. Konan rotates to the side, wedging one leg between the wall of the bath and the bench as she faces Deidara, straddling her hand. Her cunt is fully against the hand mouth now, and Konan shifts her hips slightly, grinding herself against Deidara. 

“There are people watching us,” Konan murmurs, but her face is challenging. She reaches forward, taking Deidara’s free hand in hers, and guides it under the water between her legs. “Don’t be loud.”

****

MEANWHILE, as the direct result of deidara infecting the universe with porn logic, minato is the one sane man as everyone around him starts acting bizarre. oh, and he now has a special porn disease which gives him a huge dick and requires him to have sex all the time or else his dick explodes

kushina has been wanting a third for a threesome for a while, and now minato is like "oh no maybe i do have to take finding one seriously"

eventually, deidara has some falling out with the akatsuki, and leaves them, resulting in her being captured by Konoha

this happens:

Minato is summoned urgently in the middle of the night, so he ends up talking to a T&I agent outside the holding cell in his pajamas, which consist of a hole-filled old t-shirt and his boxers. 

The T&I agent is squirming nervously, and Minato politely doesn’t look downward at the obvious reason for his discomfort. Sometimes shinobi get called up in the middle of doing… intimate things… and it’s not the first time he’s seen an agent show up to work with a boner. As long as the agent can do his job, there’s no reason to comment or acknowledge it. 

“Just so you know,” the agent says. “We, uh… well, she’s an explosives user. Her shirt caught fire during the battle.”

“She’s injured?” Minato asks. He’s of course not concerned for a missing-nin out of the goodness of his heart, but it will be inconvenient if an injury delays interrogation or progresses into an infection, and burns can be pretty bad. 

“Er, no,” the agent says. “The fire left her completely unharmed, but burned off her shirt.”

Minato raises his eyebrows. “So get her a new one then.”

“We… we couldn’t find any that fit, sir.”

The agent squirms some more, clearly having feelings just by the thought of her. Minato frowns. This is highly unprofessional, and they can’t even figure out a replacement shirt? The prison uniforms go all the way up to sizes that could fit an Akimichi. There’s no way there was just no shirt available. 

“Call in your next in command to replace you for this assignment,” Minato says firmly. “Then go home and prepare yourself for a more detailed formal reprimand tomorrow.”

“But, sir,” the agent says, eyes widening in evident anxiety. “I’m trying to warn you– her pants–”

“Dismissed,” Minato says, then walks into the holding cell. 

Deidara is restrained in the way typical for highly dangerous ninja. She’s seated in a chair at the center of the room, the legs of which are welded to the floor. Her ankles are in shackles and bolted to the floor and her legs are tied against each chair's leg to prevent movement; one leg is bare form where her pants leg has also been burned off. Against regulation, her hands are tied behind the back of the chair, her shoulders pulled back. She is indeed not wearing a shirt, her top only covered by a black sports bra. Four ANBU agents are stationed around the room, weapons trained on her. 

It might look ridiculous to an outsider, to treat such a small young woman with so much fear, but Minato has seen her file. This is lax compared to what someone like her needs to be held safely. 

Her hands should be tied apart, Minato observes. Tied together risks her managing to form hand signs. He raises his hands to make the command to fix this error, but then something truly horrifying happens. 

Deidara inhales deeply. Her chest rises. Minato abruptly realizes that her breasts are truly massive, bigger than Tsunade’s, bigger than the Icha Icha Miniseries lead actress’s. Jiraiya’s own prose would struggle to express how huge they are, how much sheer space they consume. It’s like they have their own gravitational pull, every set of eyes in the room is drawn to them as they rise. 

And then, as they reach their peak of Deidara’s inhale, Minato realizes to his own terror that their size is so impressive that not even Deidara’s own bra can contain them. The band of the bra sits not on her comparatively tiny rib cage where it belongs, but instead hovers inches away. As her breasts rise with her breath, Minato can see the bottoms of them from under the band. With her arms pulled back, Minato can see how the bra can’t even cover the sides of her breasts properly, and he can see the full curve of her soft flesh on either side.

Fuck me, Minato’s dick thinks, and it’s suddenly completely hard in his boxers, pushing against the thing fabric with all its might. 

Not now, Minato thinks, fighting back the sting of humiliation in his mind. After he’d just told someone off for doing this, too! To his dick he thinks, Why can’t you behave for just a few minutes?

Deidara exhales, and Minato watches her breasts lower. As they descend, he notices the straps of her bra don’t even touch her shoulders, hovering around them. Her breasts are so big that her bra is completely taut over them, but the straps are too large for her narrow shoulders, slipping off the the side. He can fully see the tops of her breasts, shiny with sweat and smeared with soot and dirt and blood. 

“Excited to see me?” Deidara asks, smirking at him. Her eyes are clearly focused on his groin, dark with something he might identify as pure horny lustful hunger if he didn’t know better. 

“Hardly,” Minato replies. He’s stunned that he succeeds in making his voice sound calm. 

He can’t believe no one gave her a shirt, even if his dick is thrilled to see her like this. Konoha should be better than this. 

“Guards,” he calls. “Her hands are tied improperly. I’m going to put a shirt on her while you fix it.”

He steps toward her and realizes that the way her legs are tied mean her knees have been forced apart. Her pants are baggy, but the entire leg of one has been burnt off, all the way up to her hip. He can see a hint of her blue underwear between her legs. 

Hrrgh!! goes Minato dick, and Minato feels the cool air of the room as his tip somehow pokes out from his fly. 

Deidara’s smirk widens, and her eyes stay on him and his embarrassing erection as one ANBU holds a kunai to her neck. She looks excited, somehow, and Minato chooses not to think about what that means for the moment. 

Minato pulls off his own shirt, and Deidara’s eyes seem to actually sparkle as she very blatantly looks him up and down. Her arms are untied, and Minato feeds them through the arms of his shirt one by one. Something wet hits his wrist as one of her infamous hand tongues lolls out, and Deidara smirks knowingly up at him as if she too can feel how this makes his dicks simply ache with longing. He has to pull the shirt wide and then yank to get it over her chest, and it will definitely be stretched out forever, pulled as tight as it, but the shirt definitely fits. Just… really tightly, so the holes it are pulled into wide shapes, and hole holes are definitely already bigger. He can still see chunks of her black bra through them.  

Somehow, the baggy shirt has completely formed itself to Deidara’s body, so impossibly tight over her chest that it gives the impression of holding her in place and compressing her despite the thinness of the fabric, and then denying the way baggy t-shirts work to cling to her waist to show off the exact shape of her. 

“Congratulations on being the first to cop a feel and live,” Deidara drawls when Minato steps back. Her lips quirk upwards. “Unless you’re about to join the many victims of little deaths I’ve caused.”

“You needed a shirt,” Minato tells her. “Unlike Iwa, Konoha believes in human dignity.”

Even though the shirt… did that…? Also, why the hell had his first instinct been to give her his shirt?

I’m being a gentleman, Minato thinks, sounding desperate for an excuse even in his own head.

Deidara yawns. “Right. Sure. That’s why I’m tied up like this, yeah.”

“You’re tied up because you’re highly dangerous and highly volatile,” Minato says, “and because we want you to tell us about Akatsuki.”

Deidara regards him for a moment, her eyes studying his face, then his bare chest, then eventually landing on his dick. Her lips twitch upward in a nearly manic smile, something clearly occurring to her. 

“Tell you what,” she says. “Fuck me, and I’ll tell you whatever you want.”

Uh, Minato thinks. What?

YES, his dick screams. 

“I’m being completely honest,” Deidara continues. “I hate Akatsuki, so I’ll sell them out for very little, and I can see how much you want me, yeah.”

“You’re…” Minato stumbles over his words, distracted by how annoying the hardness of his dick is, then clears his throat. “Surely you have something more worthwhile to bargain for.”

Her freedom, for example. He’d come in here with the idea they’d be negotiating that. 

“Nope,” Deidara tells him. “You’re hot as fuck, and I’ve been imagining you inside me since I saw the outline of that huge dick. I want you so bad right now it hurts, yeah.” She shifts in her chair, pushing her hips up. “If you come over here and touch me, you’ll see I’m not lying.”

It turns out the ties on her legs are too loose to stop her from swinging her knees further apart, and the motion pulls the torn fabric of her pants back, so Minato can fully see the strips of her panties over her slit. She is indeed, uh, wet. 

His dick twitches hard, desperate for her. He ignores it. 

“You’re insane,” Minato decides, stunned. 

“No, I’m…” Deidara squirms, glaring at him. “Look, don’t make me beg for it, yeah. I’ll give you what you want, just give me what I want first. I know how these things go. Why aren’t you on top of me already?”

 “Guards,” Minato says, turning to the closest one. “I’m done for tonight. She’s clearly unstable.”

“No!” Deidara objects loudly. “Oh my god, you can’t just tease me with the most perfect cock and your stupid abs–”

Minato ignores her. 

“Let her sleep, but have her prepped by eight o’clock for a chakra sealing,” Minato continues. He eyes her. “We’ll do the permanent one.”

“Fuck you,” Deidara snaps. She bares her teeth at him. “I didn’t want you, anyway. I can just see that you’re such a disgusting pervert that one good lay would make you do whatever I want, yeah. I bet your wife hasn’t touched you in years, you disgusting old man, and you don’t want her to because she’s got old saggy tits–”

The guards move forward, holding her down to change her restraints for transport. Deidara continues to rant about how bad she thinks Minato would be in bed, and he can feel his dick finally starting to calm down. A common side effect of his condition is that he can’t just let erections fade on their own, but his dick seems to have at least stopped demanding to wiggle its way inside any and every part of Deidara possible. 

“FUCK YOU!” Deidara shrieks, and then somehow manages wrestle herself free, body slamming one guard. 

Minato is on her without really thinking about it, pinning her down to the floor. 

“Asshole,” she spits at him, struggling against him. He’s got on her back with both hands over her head, and her wrists are small in his hands. “Fuck you, I bet you’re enjoying this. You’re a coward for not fucking me.”

“Hokage do not fuck their prisoners,” Minato tells her seriously. 

“That’s stupid,” Deidara tells him, she’s still struggling against him, and his dick perks up aggravatingly. The thin shirt Minato put on her holds her breasts in place better than just the too small bra, but he notes several of the holes across her chest have grown in size as the shirt struggles to contain her. “If I had me under my control, I’d control me by fucking me until I couldn’t walk any more– oh!”

Deidara’s eyes widen in genuine surprise. The holes in Minato's shirt join together, the meager fabric between them snapping all at once. The multiple small holes are, suddenly, one big hole, right over Deidara’s chest. Her breasts in their ill fitting bra burst forward in one explosive moment, bouncing on her chest like they obey a completely different type of gravity from the rest of her. 

Minato dick hitches, and he finally loses control over it. He comes all over her, ropes of cum splattering all over her chest.

Deidara blinks up at him, wide-eyed and amazed, like he’s something she’s never seen before. He thinks about fleeing her, but teleporting away means leaving her unrestrained to attack her guards again, and turning and shooting cum all over the cell and maybe his guards also seems like a bad idea. Deidara’s face turns to absolutely wicked delight as he just sits there, having one of his exaggerated orgasms all over her. 

“I knew it, yeah!” she cries, pleased and cruel at the same time. “God, fuck, look at you–”

“Guards,” Minato calls, now done. “Come re-restrain her. Properly this time.”

He tells them to let her shower and find her real clothes, then watches them march her off down the hall. She smirks over her shoulder at him. 

xXx

“You took your shirt off?” Kushina asks, covering her mouth with one hand while the other jerks him off. She’s not up for sex this morning, not when they have to do a joint sealing on Deidara in an hour and a half, and she goes at it with the mild attention she might give a chore. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know,” Minato replies, mortified. “I wanted… I wanted to be a gentlemen, I guess.”

“So you came on her?” Kushina proceeds to laugh so hard she has to stop pumping him for a bit. She wipes tears from her eyes. 

“It’s not really funny,” Minato says, pouting. “That’s a disgusting way to treat a prisoner.”

“Eh, I think she was into it,” Kushina says, waving her hand dismissively. She turns back to her handjob. “Actually, if we’re doing a permanent seal, that’s a fully body one. Are you going to be okay?”

“Well, I can’t be worse,” Minato reasons. 

“I’ll take lead,” Kushina offers. “I can at least hide it when I get turned on.”

“You’re not going to get turned on,” Minato protests. “This is a totally standard, nonsexual sealing of a dangerous criminal. It embarrassing and unacceptable that I lost control, and I have a condition as an excuse–”

“I don’t know,” Kushina says, tapping her lip with her free hand in thought. “I feel like it might be kind of hot. The most complicated part of the seal goes over the heart, so I’ll have to paint all over her boobs, moving them around, making sure the brush doesn’t tickle and make her squirm too much…”

Minato bans himself from thinking about Kushina touching Deidara’s boobs specifically, making sure his brain considers her description completely divorced from Deidara. The result is his mind zooms in on the image of his wife’s beautiful hands playing with a pair of huge, soft breasts, rolling them over to test how they’d move, squeezing them to test their firmness. 

His breath hitches and he comes in her hand. Kushina cackles with laughter. 

****

i'm not sure where it goes from here??? i want to write big tiddy deidara hooking up with minakushi, but also then what. THEN WHAT

we DO need minato realizing the source of everyone acting strange is just deidara's boobs and staring at them in horror

i do want to have the porn logic progressively getting more and more ridiculous. like, IDK, one day deidara is like "yeah i have a g-spot in my throat. who doesn't?" and minato is like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

i'm kind of thinking about an ItaDei end game? like deidara is SO READY to be minakushi's live-in sex doll but they're too nice to her. itachi? itachi is an asshole. she hates him. she wants him so bad

idk if i gave minato a porn disease maybe itachi has one too. "itachi has forcefem disease but the difference between masc!itachi and fem!itachi is so negligible no one notices"

deidara, about to put itachi's entire perky little tit in her mouth: no the difference is so important

[mixelation]

completely stupid fic incoming

[mixelation]

okay, here it is. four thousand words of the "minato meets fem!deidara" AU i told you not to ask about for a week. nsfw

so, some notes for context: the linked post has the tag "#new AU. minato finds himself in an Icha Icha version of his own life#the main antagonist is his own dick" which i found deeply funny and is what motivated to write the following. i was toying with the idea of not including fem!deidara because it makes the AU stupid complicated. the same time, i am enamoured with the idea of "boobs so powerful they compel the entire universe to switch to porn logic." the end result is that what i have written does not include fem!deidara, but i will include [notes in brackets] to indicate where i'd slot her in.

also, a content warning: the premise here is "minato is dealing with the effects of his entire world turning to porn logic, including his own body." this is therefore a sort of "sex pollen light" AU and the end result is if you think too hard, consent gets a little questionable, including a "sexy nurse" scene where the POV character is like "did a medical professional just trick me into cheating on my wife?" besides that, everyone is an enthusiastically consenting adult

also it's really, really dumb.

****

[NOTE: This is meant to be part of an explanation for fem!Deidara's existence. Yes it does mean it will be possible for her to fuck original flavor Deidara.]

“Mouths?” Jiraiya repeats. “In his hands?”

His informant nods. “Some new bloodline limit, I guess. He uses them in a pretty unique way…”

Jiraiya carefully annotates the new bingo book page with actual intel on this Iwa missing-nin, but his extremely talented writer brain is working overtime with this new information. This is definitely good news for porn fans everywhere. Mouth hands! What a brilliant invention.

Of course, the appeal of Jiraiya’s novels are all the beautiful women he so carefully researches. It’s a shame Deidara, who seems quite attractive based on his bingo book photo, isn’t a woman. 

Oh well, it’s fiction, Jiraiya thinks. Who doesn’t love a hot blonde? I’ll make her busty, with absolutely humongous melons… 

xXx

[NOTE: the rest of this would theoretically be interspersed by Minato meeting fem!Deidara, but actually in going to annotate where those scenes would be, I think maybe it works better if fem!Deidara is introduced later, after all this. But certainly then I'd have to go in and foreshadow her somehow.

Also, I forgot to include any dialogue prefacing that Kushina has suggested they get a third person for hook-ups lol.]

Minato has an extremely good start to his day. Kushina follows him into the shower. “Oh gosh,” she says, her hand wrapping around his dick, “wouldn’t it be such a shame if Hokage-sama was late into the office this morning?”

After his extremely good shower, Minato leaves his beautiful wife to the long process of blow drying her knee-length hair and starts on breakfast. He’s definitely going to be late to his first meeting, but his perfect and sexy wife deserves a hot breakfast.

He has to remind himself not to make enough for three. Naruto had moved out into his very first apartment earlier that month. It’s sad in some ways, but at the same time, Minato is proud of him. Plus, one of the bright sides is… Kushina has been distracting herself from her own complicated feelings about being an empty nester by letting herself be as loud as she wants. 

Minato’s day starts to go downhill while watching his eggs fry. He has some sort of sudden and intense premonition of doom, but it’s… localized to his dick. He frowns down at his pants. The sensation is a new one, and it’s definitely “something bad is about to happen” and not “I’ve hurt myself.” He didn’t know he could have that feeling in that particular organ. And why would he have it? Up until right that second, his dick had been very pleased with the day. 

The feeling fades, and he brushes it off as maybe just some weird symptom of growing older. 

No one complains when he shows up to his first meeting of the day twenty minutes late, because he’s Hokage and he can do what he wants without explanation to anyone. Annoyingly, his dick twitches several times throughout the meeting, and it’s hard to ignore. It’s not a fun little “hey, remember how your hot wife looked pinned up against the shower stall wall?” twitch. It’s also not really painful, but it does put him on edge.  

[NOTE: This is where I was going to introduce fem!Deidara, either as a report or being actually captured and brought to Minato. His dick would have more weird twitches and premonitions of doom.]

Minato goes to the bathroom, and discovers something strange. His dick is… bigger?

It’s not quite “remind yourself not to do a double-take on the dude in the next urinal” big. But it’s definitely longer and thicker than it was this morning. 

Should he talk to his medic? Or would he just sound absurd? He’s never heard of something like this happening. Maybe he’s imagining things…

He asks Kushina to take a look in the evening. 

“Yeah, it’s definitely bigger,” she says, blinking down at it. Minato had expected some degree of concern at the medical mystery, but instead she stares down at it in keen interest. “Let’s try it out.”

“No,” Minato yelps, recoiling from her hand. “What if it’s… I don’t know, a disease?”

Kushina makes a highly skeptical look. “A makes-your-dick-bigger disease? Please.”

Minato wakes the next morning with the worst morning wood he’s had since his teens. He’s so hard it hurts, but he immediately forgets that when he actually sees himself. His dick is noticeably bigger than it was when he went to bed, and he wakes Kushina in a panic. She is, again, not at all sympathetic to Minato’s anxiety. 

“But I can take care of it for you,” Kushina says, staring down at his erection longingly. Like before, she reaches for him. 

“We need to make sure it’s okay,” Minato insists, then has to roll off the bed entirely to dodge his wife’s grabby hands. 

“So you’re going to go into the doctor’s full mast?” Kushina says, following him off the bed. Minato teleports to the other side of the room to dodge her, his anxiety about the situation steadily increasing. Why is Kushina acting like this?

“I’ll…” he flounders. This problem is so embarrassing. It doesn’t hurt, exactly, apart from being so hard it’s painful. He’s not sure he can make it long enough to tell his personal medic he needs a house call and then wait. 

Kushina comes around the side of the bed, her hands still reaching for him. He’s definitely not going to make it if he also has to fend his mysteriously horny wife off. 

“I’ll take care of it myself,” Minato decides, catching Kushina’s wrists in his hands. 

“Can I watch, at least?” Kushina asks, pouting. 

Minato is still confused by her attitude, but he doesn’t see how just watching that could… hurt…?

He decides to aim into the toilet, and Kushina sits on the side of the tub and touches herself while he does it. He finds this a bit weird, because Kushina has never been into mutual masturbation before, and also why is she trying to engage him sexually when he’s clearly upset and maybe has some sort of disease?

“You can come on my face,” she tells him earnestly. 

“No!” Minato replies. What is with her?

Still. He likes watching her, underneath all his worry about his own health. Kushina’s faces and little moans are… good. They’re really good. He likes them. 

Orgasming at least feels normal. Better than usual, even, especially given he doesn’t also have the dopamine hit of Kushina being the one to graciously help him. In fact, given how upset he was about the whole thing, he has no idea why it feels so good. It’s good enough that he can’t hold back a few guttural noises as he unloads. 

“Oh, oh!” Kushina cries, joining him. 

Minato feels oddly serene as he gets dressed and teleports into Hokage’s Tower, his anxiety temporarily completely evaporating. He tells his secretary to rearrange his morning schedule, and then heads down to his personal medic’s office. 

Medic Ayumi steps into the room in a white nurse’s dress. This is strange, because Ayumi is a medical ninja and not a nurse, and the civilian equivalent of her title would be ‘doctor’ anyway. It is also strange because the nurse’s uniform is tighter and has a shorter skirt than Minato remembers. 

“I see,” Ayumi says, very professional in tone, after Minato sheepishly describes his problem. “I hope you find some relief in knowing this is a common problem many men face.”

“Really?” Minato asks. He’s definitely never heard of this. Maybe general shinobi sex ed needs to be updated…

“Yes,” Ayumi says, opening Minato’s file in her lap and adjusting her glasses that Minato doesn’t remember her wearing before. “Why do you think we take measurements on all adult shinobi’s penises?”

“You do?” Minato asks. He doesn’t remember anyone ever measuring him. Is that really in his medical file?

“The condition tends to happen to younger men,” Ayumi continues, stopping her leafing to run her finger down a page of Minato’s file, “but given you’ve remained highly sexually desirable into your forties, it was only a matter of time.”

“What?” Minato asks, because none of those words made sense. 

“I have your previous measurements,” Ayumi says, closing the folder and standing. “Please remove your pants and underwear for a physical examination.”

Minato complies. As he pulls off his pants, Ayumi snaps on a pair of black latex gloves, her glasses lenses shining in the harsh overhead of the examination room. 

Ayumi measures his dick with a ruler, nodding to herself. Then she says, “For confirmation, I will also have to measure it erect.”

“Um,” Minato says. “Okay?”

She has a tube of lube on her cart of medical supplies in the room, and Minato watches in some trepidation as she squirts some into her gloved hand. He didn’t realize doctors did stuff like this. But he guesses, given the circumstances, it makes sense…?

Minato sits on the examination table while Ayumi strokes him, gentle but firm, her hands easily sliding over him with the help of the lube. Her glasses glint in the lights again as she looks him in the face. 

“Have you had any pain?” she asks, and Minato attempts to explain what a feeling of dread constrained entirely to your dick feels like, along with the twitching. 

Then he says, because she is still going and he is very obviously erect now, “Uh, I think you can measure it now…”

Ayumi picks up her ruler with her free hand but does not stop pumping him. Minato stares down at her hand around him as she measures him, and he wonders vaguely if this counts as cheating. It does, in fact, feel devastatingly good, even if Minato is weirded out by the whole situation.

Given Kushina’s mood lately, Minato thinks, she’ll just want Ayumi-san as our third when I tell her…

“Have you had performance issues?” Ayumi asks, not stopping her hand. 

“Well, no,” Minato says. “I had sex with my wife yesterday morning, before we noticed anything. And I… took care of myself… this morning with no problem. Is it, um… safe? To do that?”

“Of course it’s safe,” Ayumi says, not missing a beat with her hand’s steady pattern. “Have you noticed any change in the ejaculate?”

“No?” Minato says, suddenly feeling unsure. “This morning there might have been…more?”

He hadn’t really been paying attention to that, not when Kushina was making eyes at him. 

Ayumi nods, as if this is to be expected. “What about orgasm intensity and length?”

“Uh,” Minato hedges. It had been good, but he doesn’t like… time himself? “Normal…? Can you, maybe, stop touching me, please?”

Ayumi pauses, and Minato almost regrets telling her to stop. His dick feels like it jumps in her hand the shock of her letting go. 

“I can stop if you want,” Ayumi says gravely, and her glasses flash a third time. “But you should know that a proper diagnosis requires I observe you at full climax, as well as take a sample.”

That still doesn’t sound quite right, but Minato isn’t a medic-nin. 

“O-oh,” Minato says. “I mean, I guess, if it’s medically necessary…”

“I will proceed then,” Ayumi replies. To Minato's utter confusion, she drops to her knees before him. “I will use my bloodline limit. It allows me to chemically analyze anything that I swallow.”

“You… what?” Minato asks, and then gasps embarrassingly when she takes his head into her mouth. 

Oh, this definitely feels like cheating, Minato thinks, squirming uncomfortably as Ayumi wraps her hand around the base of his dick and then swallows him up to the back of her throat. But I also need to know what’s wrong…

Minato frets about how guilty this makes him feel, even if it’s technically a medical exam and not cheating, while Ayumi gives him a truly fantastic blowjob. When he comes, she swallows him up as much as she can while he grips the edges of the exam table and tries very hard not to cry out from how fucking good it feels. 

Ayumi swallows and stands. She wipes off her mouth with the back of her gloved hand. 

“You have progressive penile enlargement,” she says, “commonly known as Big Dick Disease.”

“That is not a real thing,” Minato objects. That sounds like something Jiraiya would make up for his porn novels. 

In fact, that might be a thing Jiraiya made up for his porn novels. Minato hasn’t read them in a while. 

“It’s quite real, and very serious,” Ayumi says gravely. “You said you have regular sexual relations with your wife? That’s good. My medical recommendation is bringing yourself to full orgasm at least twice a day, preferably with a partner.”

“What kind of a recommendation is that?” Minato asks. Twice a day?

“It’s your medical treatment,” Ayumi says. “If you neglect it, the prognosis for Big Dick Disease is steady growth until your penis will simply explode. This growth can only be quelled by consistent sexual stimulation. If your wife is inadequate, you may come to me and--”

“You’re pranking me,” Minato decides. He suddenly feels hurt and angry. Ayumi had been his and his family’s dedicated medic for years. He’d trusted her, and now she’d tricked him into cheating on his wife with such a ridiculous story?

Ayumi just raises her eye brows. “Get a second opinion, then, or look it up. With all due respect, Hokage-sama, I find it surprising you’ve never heard of it, and I’m a bit offended you’re doubting my medical expertise and motives.”

Minato does go ask for a second opinion, right then and there, and the male medic he goes to offers a “prostate massage for sample collection.” 

What is happening? Minato thinks, now at full mast again and terrified of somehow being tricked into cheating on Kushina twice in one day. He teleports right out of the examination room, has to take a detour back home to jerk himself off, and then goes and looks up “progressive penile enlargement” in every medical book he can find. 

I guess I owe Ayumi an apology, Minato says, feeling lightheaded, when it’s in every single book. 

He breaks the news to Kushina over dinner. He makes all her favorite foods for her, as he also admits to Ayumi giving him a blow job, and to getting hard under the other medic’s hand as well. He apologizes profusely. 

“I mean it was medically necessary,” Kushina says, immediately accepting his apology without any fuss. “I think I’ve heard of Big Dick Disease… is that the one you treat by having crazy sex all the time?”

“Uh, I don’t think it has to be crazy,” Minato says. “Wait, you’ve heard of it?”

“Yeah, I think they mentioned it in kunoichi class,” Kushina answers, pulling her big bowl of homemade ramen towards her. “With all the sex ed stuff, you know? I guess it’s been so long I forgot about it until just now. It’s not like I have to worry about anyone’s dick but yours.”

Minato is deeply confused by this, because he is in fact a genius or whatever, and his recall for even things as long ago as the academy is pretty good. He’s definitely never heard of this disease, except as some sort of running  joke in the background of an Icha Icha novel. One of the medical books he’d consulted was a field guide for jounin he’d read all the way through at least twice, and the section on Big Dick Disease definitely hadn’t been there before. 

As Minato is lost in thought, Kushina continues to babble through a mouthful of ramen. “Oh, but if we do get a third, maybe I will get a second dick to worry about. We definitely have to get a third now, you know, for your treatment. Do you have a preference? I could go both ways…”

Minato doesn’t see why he can’t just learn to get really fast at pleasuring himself for when Kushina isn’t available or doesn’t want to, but he’d told Kushina previously that he’d think about the threesome thing, and he does like the idea of Kushina getting to explore herself sexually and him getting to watch it. His new… problem… definitely makes him engaging in a threesome himself more practical, even if he really doesn’t have interest in anyone but Kushina. 

Later in bed, Kushina giggles over his dick like a schoolgirl. He’s instantly hard at her touch, so fast and intense that he gasps and feels tears prick at the corners of his eyes. 

“Ooooh,” Kushina giggles, wrapping her hand around its girth and then running it up and down his shaft’s length. Her touch makes him shudder. “It’s so big now, what the fuck.” 

She plays with it, clearly having fun. A bead of precum forms at Minato’s tip, and she looks incredibly pleased as she wipes it away with her thumb. 

“Did you think I was small before?” Minato asks, teasing. He knows she didn’t. 

Kushina looks up at him, eyes dark with lust, and Minato’s dick twitches in her fingers. He has the sudden urge to bury himself as deeply as he can in her, to let Kushina completely envelop him, firm and so so tight around him. 

“Of course not,” Kushina replies. “But I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like, with a huge, throbbing cock inside me.”

Minato really wants to pounce on her, to thrust himself inside her right then and there. But also he has no idea what he’s working with now. It seems more comfortable for Kushina if she takes the lead. His dick is so unbelievably hard right now, he might come just from her hand sitting there on top of him. 

He warns her as much, just in case he actually does come two minutes later, like back when they were teenagers. 

“Ooh,” Kushina coos, not in the least turned off by this admission. “Then I’ll get to feel your hot cum all over my face and tits, like I wanted this morning. and you wouldn't let me have.”

"Kushina," Minato whines. "Unfair."

She smirks at him, teasing.

Kushina turns her attention back to his erection in her hands. Minato is on his back, propped up against pillows, while Kushina sits between his legs. 

“How did the doctor do it?” Kushina asks, and Minato winces. 

“I wasn’t into it,” he says. 

Kushina hums, and her hand pumps him devastatingly slowly, all casual and gentle. 

“I was thinking, you know,” she says. “I’m okay with you having sex with other people without me, if you need to. You just have to tell me about it later, in detail.”

Minato’s face goes red, but he stutters out a summary of his encounter with Ayumi. 

“Not like that,” Kushina interrupts him. “I’m not asking you to apologize. Tell me like you’re telling me a sexy story. Say what she was wearing, if she looked sexy.”

Minato describes the tiny nurse’s dress, the way the black gloves had snapped onto her fingers. He doesn’t bother to comment on how strange he’d found the dress, as Kushina is clearly into hearing about how hot the woman who’d pleasured her husband looked. 

“And did you get hard?” Kushina asks, clearly excited by the idea, the speed of her hand on him increasing. 

“Not until she touched me,” Minato replies. “She said she had to measure me…” He reminds himself the point here is to turn Kushina on, not ask if she knew Konoha kept records of everyone’s penis length. “She had to measure me, every centimeter, while I was completely erect.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Kushina says. “After all, I want to know exactly how much I’m going to take in. But how shall I measure you…?”

Kushina puts both hands on him now. Then she brings herself forward and carefully inserts his dick between her breasts. She has to push him forward a little to get the angle right. Then she massages her breasts, pleasuring herself while simultaneously pressing over and rubbing on Minato’s dick. 

“Oh, you feel so much bigger than before,” she sighs. It takes every ounce of Minato mental strength to not just thrust against her as she moves up and down slightly. His dick looks fantastic sandwiched between her soft breasts, poking out from the top. “I’m so wet right now, just feeling you like this, Minato. Tell me more about Ayumi-sensei.”

Minato tells his story about the blowjob, too entranced by Kushina’s look of pleasure at having his dick between her tits to spare a thought for the ridiculousness of the “swallowing for chemical analysis” bloodline limit. Kushina then says she’ll measure his dick with her mouth next, then, and swallows him up. 

There’s definitely a much larger portion of his dick that Kushina can’t fit in her mouth now, and the observation both makes Minato feel weird and also makes his dick ache with desire. Kushina looks so sexy, with her red hair spilling over her shoulders and across his thighs, her pink lips wrapped around him. She pumps him with her hand while her head goes up and down, rolling her eyes up to look at him, just like he likes. 

Usually, Minato would put his hands on her head while she did this, playing with her hair or just enjoying the rhythm on her. But tonight he’s so desperately hard for her, so eager to just get inside of her, that when he reaches for her hair, he has the sudden fantasy of shoving himself into her, thrusting himself in and out of her as he holds her head down. 

It’s definitely a fantasy he’s had before and talked to her about, and he knows she doesn’t like it. So instead, he very carefully brushes his fingers over her face, tucking her hair behind her ears. 

“Harder,” he breathes out, “please?”

Kushina increases her pace, tightening her hand around him slightly. 

“You’re beautiful,” he tells her. Kushina knows just how he likes this, how to move her tongue and mouth to drive him nuts, and this at least hasn’t been changed. “You’re so sexy right.”

Eventually, she lets him go. 

“You’re always so well behaved for me,” she teases. “I think I’ll measure you one more time.”

Kushina climbs on top of him and lowers herself over him, guiding him towards her with her hand. She looks a little unsure when his tip first meets her opening, but she doesn’t hesitate. Kushina never hesitates when she’s decided she wants something. 

He can feel himself stretching her out as he enters her, and Kushina lets out a whimper, her lips turning up even as her mouth falls open. Minato’s brain explodes from pleasure the second his tip is inside her. Kushina is so fucking tight around him, her walls closing in around every millimeter of his length with an absoluteness her hands and mouth simply lack. She’s wet and slick and comes down over his length easily but painfully slow. Minato can’t help but thrust his hips upward, desperate to get as far inside of her as he can. 

Kushina moans at his thrust, leaning forward and digging her nails into his chest. He does it again and she cries out his name. 

“Fuck, Minato,” she breathes. “Fuck me. Fuck me now.”

Kushina feels so good on top of him, with her weight pressing her down over him. He’d been worried about the longer length giving her a problem, but he’s in her up to his base, and he holds her hips and bounces her up and down, watching his own length go in and out. Above him, her lips part as she moans out his name, her boobs bouncing with every move of his hips. 

“Harder,” she demands. “Fuck me harder.”

He flips them over. They’ve done this so many times, are so in tune with each other, that Kushina’s legs automatically lock around his hips, keeping him inside of her as they roll. It’s easier to thrust into her as hard as he wants now, and Minato pounds into her over and over. Kushina screams out his name, nails scraping down his back. 

Kushina’s eyes roll back when she comes, her walls tightening around him. Her face looks positively drunk with ecstasy, and the sight is what sends him over the edge. She keeps her legs around him as he comes, so he spills inside of her, filling her up, his own cum hot and sticky around his dick, spilling out over Kushina and dribbling down her. 

Minato isn’t sure if their mutual orgasm lasts longer than normal, or if Kushina just looks so hot that it feels longer. But she clings to him for what feels like forever, her head tossed back and her whole body shaking at how good Minato was making her feel.

They cuddle when they’re done, Kushina’s back to his chest. He kisses the tops of her shoulders. He’s never felt more in love with her. 

“I haven’t titty fucked you in a while,” Kushina murmurs at some point. “God, what if we got a third with just the hugest tits, like really big ones, and I got to watch your new ginormous cock fuck them?” Then, fulfilling Minato’s earlier prediction, she asks, “How big are Ayumi-sensei’s boobs?”

When they’ve cleaned up fully and after Kushina has fallen asleep, Minato finally lets his brain make the analysis he’s been ignoring. Kushina had clearly enjoyed herself immensely-- and she would never fake feeling good when she didn’t-- but it wasn’t consistent with things she’s said before. They’d watched porn together a few times, and Kushina had always made fun of any dick that seemed too big to her, saying things like, “There’s no way that thing feels good. She’s definitely a good actress!” She’d also made fun of a handful of scenes in the various Icha Icha books, where the prose described comically large penises, and then at all the times it lingered on what she called “cock worship.”

Then again, after one of her rants, she’d also reached over and patted Minato on the groin and said, “Oh, but I’d spare some worship for my dick.” Maybe she’d decided it was hot after all, now that such a dick was attached to Minato. Maybe all her comments were her covering up that she’d secretly wanted Minato have a giant dick all along. 

(Minato doubted that last option. If Kushina wanted a specific type of dick, she’d go buy a toy. She’d done it before.)

I’ll ask her tomorrow, Minato decides. That Kushina had been satisfied was what was important. 

Oh, but, he supposes maybe he’ll have to start to remember to actively chase his own orgasm. At the beginning of their marriage, Kushina had told him off more than once for not communicating in the moment what he wanted done, saying that she obviously felt at her best and sexiest when she got to do things for him and see him orgasm. Kushina was so good at taking care of him, it was hardly an issue nowadays, but… 

But, well. Obviously he doesn’t want his dick to explode.

****

[Consider: the inherent narrative tension between Deidara wanting Minato's dick, but also want to see it explode.......]

[misfit-mccoward]

"would deidara fuck his own clone" yes, obviously. original flavor deidara/big tiddy deidara, nsfw

Deidara falls into this new world tits first. This is not what causes the problems. 

“What the fuck?” this world’s Deidara says, whipping around. 

They are in a forest. This world’s Deidara had been searching for a fresh water source and wandered away from his Akatsuki partner. Neither have any idea what’s happening, or why a mirror image is looking back at them. 

Deidara sits up, massaging her breast where she’d fallen on it and hurt herself. This world’s Deidara stares back at her. To Deidara, this new person looks like her, has the same hair as her, the same eyes at her, the same nose, the same mouth grinning up from his hands… but he’s a man. 

“Huh,” Deidara says, staring. She’s pretty hot as a dude. Dude-her has a vaguely androgynous look that she finds appealing.

Other Deidara stares back at her. Deidara’s Akatsuki has fewer dress code rules, and she’s wearing a tight T-shirt that shows off her impressive curves. Other Deidara’s eyes work their way over her, over her chest and across her narrow waist down to her perfect hips. Then, as all eyes do, his gaze moves back up to her amazing boobs. 

Deidara is fully aware how wonderfully and noticeably above average she is, and the sway this has on other people. Will it work on dude-her? Only one way to find out!

She arches her back, sticking her chest out for him to check out. 

“Huh,” other Deidara says. “I always knew I’d be hot as fuck as a girl, yeah. Are those real?”

“Come find out, yeah,” Deidara tells him. 

Deidara hesitates a moment, eyeing her boobs with a hint of skepticism. Deidara finds this strange. Absolutely no one in her world has ever said no to her offering to let them touch. 

You see, dear reader, this Deidara is not like the one you might have met before. She had been created not for the sake of an adventure story, or for menacing other ninja in a shounen manga. Rather, a strange pervert had dreamed her up, given her extra mouths and a comically large chest. She came from a world where everyone operated on the logic of an erotica novel, where sex always felt good and was the preferred outcome to every situation, and where her breasts saw the laws of gravity as more like guidelines. 

“Haven’t you always wanted to fuck your clone?” Deidara asks. “I know I have.”

She breasts boobily at him. The other Deidara’s eyes widen. 

“How did you do that?” he asks, entranced. 

She breasts even more boobily at him, tempting him with all her might. To her confusion, somehow this does not make him come on sight. Still, Other Deidara pulls off his Akatsuki cloak and then gets down on the ground with her, reaching for her breasts. He gives one an experimental pat and then a good squeeze. 

“Holy fuck,” he says, groping the other one just to confirm. “They are real, yeah.”

Deidara smirks proudly as he fondles her. Other Deidara looks absolutely fascinated as he digs his fingers into her and jiggles her breasts in little circles. He’s clearly more interested in the idea that he too might have grown huge boobs under different circumstances. Deidara wants him thinking about other things. 

“Are you as good with your hands as I am?” she asks in her most sultry voice, and a lecherous little smirk stretches across his face as he meets her eyes. 

Other Deidara has also thought about fucking his own clone.

She lets him yank off her shirt and sports bra, then leans back on her arms while he straddles her lap. He places one hand over each breast, just like she’d do to herself or another girl, then teases her nipples with his tongues. Deidara lets out a tiny, teasing moan. 

Other Deidara smirks at her. “Are you as good at blow jobs as I am?” he asks. 

They remove the rest of their clothes, and then make out while their hand mouths tongue at each other’s genitals. She’s a little disappointed dude-her doesn’t have an absolutely massive dick to match her huge tits, as to an erotica protagonist, there is simply nothing better than a giant dick, and she'd always thought having one would be fun. But even with a normal penis, Other Deidara is excellent with the mouth hands, and a normal sized dick is easier for her own mouth hand to suck off anyway. She carefully explores the shape of his entire dick with both her hand tongues, trying to memorize the details of the way his head goes and how his vein here feels. His tongue spells their own name on her clit, which is in fact Deidara’s favorite move to perform during foreplay, making the vagina she's about to make sopping wet as her own. It’s not her favorite for act upon herself, but something about it being her clone having the exact same move makes it all the hotter. 

Then she lets him straddle her waist and fuck her tits while he leans back and continues to eat her out with a hand mouth. He gets her to climax before he does, tonguing her dutifully through it, and when she’s done, he scoots up even further on her torso, both hands on her breasts as he presses his pelvis against their underside. He mashes her breasts around his dick, squishing them down for their mutual viewing pleasures and so that he can control the sweet pressure on himself. He grinds into her over and over, lubricated and slick by Deidara’s hand mouth’s own porn-logic saliva left on his length. Deidara is just starting to get bored with this when he finally comes, warm cum seeping out in between her breasts. 

He smirks down, pleased with himself and how he drips out from her chest. 

“You looking fucking hot, yeah,” he says. It’s a genuine compliment. 

“You’re sort of a disappointment, yeah,” she replies. It is a clear tease. She’s just watched herself fuck her own chest. She loves this. 

He’s not done, though. He eats her out in every position they can think of, with both hands and sometimes even his proper mouth, for hours and hours. They talk about art while he does it, which they are both fantastically correct about. Deidara is from a porn universe, and so she comes about six more times. Other Deidara laps her up.

Then Other Deidara finally fucks her with his regular sized dick. They do it missionary, which is neither of their favorite positions, but it turns out they mutually want to stare into each other’s faces while they do it. They lace their fingers together like a disgusting married couple, palm to palm, sticking their tongues into each other's mouths. 

I’m so fucking hot, both think. 

Other Deidara's dick may be normal, but Deidara likes it. It's her dick, inside of her, her cunt perfectly tight around it. Other Deidara's look of complete arousal is her look if she got to thrust her dick into herself, and he gets to see how turned on and hot she is with a hard dick inside her, how she'll moan louder when he thrusts deeper and faster.

They come in unison, the same strangled moan escaping their lips. Deidara feels so fucking good and sexy, knowing that the hottest face in the world staring down at her is also her face. 

This, dear readers, is the moment that spelled certain doom for this world. 

They don’t part immediately. They lie together for a post coital nap, and Other Deidara holds her tits from behind as he falls alseep. 

“Like a pillow, yeah,” he sighs. 

They nap for only an hour. During that time, the universe starts to shift, attempting to accommodate this new anomaly. Universal laws change. Logic itself changes. Human nature shifts slightly. A rift in the world has occurred, as she’s wormed her way in and made herself a permanent fixture. As Other Deidara’s hands curve to perfectly hold her breasts, so does the universe. 

Other Deidara wakes up and forlornly tells his clone that he has to go back to his mission. He explains that he’s got some really great art to make. She doesn’t want him to go quite yet. 

“I’ll let you fuck me in the ass if you eat me out with your hand while you do it, yeah,” she offers. 

Before, Deidara was impulsive but capable of ignoring his urges to do his job, especially if his job involved art. His hands were for art, after all, not some weird pervert’s creative writing project. He would not abandon his art to chase ass. 

However, the world has already changed. There is no going back. 

The other Deidara turns to his abandoned cloak to find that he does indeed have some lube he didn’t remember putting in one of his pockets. 

They fuck again. 

[misfit-mccoward]

instead of doing actual adult responsibilities, i wrote more of the scene at the end of this post. so: fem!itachi/fem!deidara sex

Itachi goes to Deidara’s room and then hesitates to knock, like a coward. Deidara, being a ninja, senses someone outside her door after a few moments and throws it open. 

“What?” she demands. She’s in her sleeping yukata already, her hair down and loose around her shoulders. It smells like the rosehip shampoo the hotel offers. 

“I came to… talk,” Itachi says lamely. 

Deidara’s eyes narrow as she scowls up at her. Itachi holds her gaze levelly. 

“...fine,” Deidara says, then steps aside so Itachi can enter. 

The decorations in Deidara’s room are the same as Itachi and Kisame’s, just more cramped together as the single room itself is smaller. Itachi stands lamely in the center of the room as Deidara recloses her door. 

“So are you going to talk or not?” Deidara asks, clearly annoyed. 

“I would like to discuss…” Itachi starts. She flounders mentally. “Our last encounter. The… private encounter”

Deidara just raises her eyebrows. Itachi coughs. 

“Do you want to fuck me or not?” Deidara asks. 

“I…” Itachi starts. What does she want? Something. More of… that. 

“Because I’ve seen you looking at me,” Deidara continues, face screwed up in an unreadable emotion. “But I don’t know. The thought of you fucking me makes me kind of sick, yeah.”

Itachi briefly considers fleeing through the window and never looking Deidara in the face again. Why did she think opening up to Deidara of all people was a good idea?

And yet, Deidara is still looking at her expectantly, like she wants Itachi to do something. 

“Actually, I…” Itachi’s voice cracks. It’s now or never. “What if you fucked me, instead?”

Deidara just stares at her for a beat, then her eyes light up. 

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, okay. Right now?”

She doesn’t wait for an answer, instead moving forward to grab at Itachi’s cloak. Itachi watches silently as Deidara rips it open, staring eagerly down at Itachi’s own chest. She pushes the flaps of the cloak aside and off Itachi’s shoulders, then sets both hands on Itachi’s chest. 

“Flat,” Deidara diagnoses, smirking up at Itachi as she fondles her breasts. “Completely flat, Uchiha.”

Itachi is not as endowed as Deidara, but she’s far from flat, and Deidara looks delighted as she gropes her for a few moments. Itachi can’t say she enjoys the feeling, but she watches Deidara’s face in keen interest. 

When she’s satisfied, Deidara steps back. 

“Strip for me,” she demands. 

Itachi may be mortified by her own sexuality, but she’s never been shy about nudity. She lets her cloak drop the rest of the way from her arms and onto the floor. She removes her shirt next, and then lets her trouser fall around her feet. Her underwear was picked for performance as a ninja and isn’t that exciting, but Deidara is watching her in open lust. It’s fascinating. 

Itachi’s bra, which is a very sturdy sports bra, clasps at the front. When she goes to remove it next, Deidara suddenly tells her to stop. 

“Get on the bed,” Deidara commands next, and Itachi obediently crosses the room and sits on the side of the bed. Deidara is suddenly in her lap, undoing her bra herself. 

“I want to see, yeah,” Deidara says. There’s six clasps, all down a line in front, because the bra is not meant to come off without effort. Deidara undoes them one by one, then peels the garment aside like opening a present. 

Deidara plays with Itachi’s breasts a bit more, then slides off her laps to stand between Itachi’s thighs. Itachi lets out a small gasp as Deidara dips her face to take one of Itachi’s nipples between her lips. It hardens in her mouth, and Deidara gently racks her teeth over it before sucking. Her hand massages the other one, pinching and rolling Itachi’s other nipple between her fingers. 

The hand mouth, Itachi thinks, her eyes squeezing shut at the pleasure of the feeling. Would Deidara use that…?

Then Deidara lets her go entirely and stands fully. 

“That’s how you touch a girl, moron,” she tells her. “Remember that next time I do you the favor of offering, yeah.”

Itachi can only blink up at her. Deidara’s eyes rove further down her body, and her hands go to her hips. 

“Get on the bed fully,” Deidara commands. “And lift your hips.”

Itachi complies, and Deidara follows her onto the bed, staying between her legs. She pulls Itachi’s panties off slowly, eyeing her groin obscenely as she goes. Itachi might have been humiliated, but she’s too busy thinking about Deidara’s hands and if she’s wearing her own underwear under the yukata. Judging by the way her breasts move freely as she tosses Itachi’s panties away from her, Itachi thinks not. 

“Oh my god,” Deidara laughs as her fingers part Itachi’s slit. “You are so wet for me already, yeah. It’s almost pathetic.”

She shoves two fingers into Itachi without further preamble. It both hurts and feels incredibly good, and Itachi lets out a soft whimper. She tenses reflexively around Deidara’s fingers, and the smug grin on Deidara’s face broadens. 

“So slick,” Deidara purrs as her fingers move in and out of Itachi. The tongue in her hand brushes against Itachi’s clit, and an obscene noise escapes Itachi’s lips. “You like that?” Deidara asks, her tongue circling Itachi’s clit. “You should have let me do this ages ago, yeah.”

Itachi lets her head roll back and her eyes slide close. It feels so good. She even likes Deidara’s commentary– she is needy and weak, she does need Deidara. Please, please, Deidara, take her. 

Deidara somehow gets her fingers even deeper, letting her bring her palm against Itachi so the lips in her hand can suck her clit. “I do need you,” Itachi whines out, her whole body hot. “Deidara, I need you.”

Deidara leans forward and buries her free hand in Itachi’s hair, using it to pull her face forward, so Itachi looks at her. Deidara is smirking, knowing and triumphant. 

“Good,” she says, and then presses her mouth to Itachi’s. It’s rough and domineering, and the switch in focus makes her fingers’ rhythm become uneven and then stop. Itachi doesn’t care. She likes Deidara taking control, likes her shoving her tongues into both Itachi’s mouth and vulva. Her hand pulls at Itachi’s hair, and Itachi moans pathetically into her mouth. 

Deidara’s body against Itachi’s is soft and warm, her breasts pushing into her bare chest, only the thin fabric of the yukata between them. Itachi obediently grinds into Deidara’s hand over her cunt, and Deidara’s hand’s tongue and lips move against her. Deidara’s hand in her hair tightens. 

Itachi feels something inside her suddenly snap, and she makes a truly embarrassing noise as she comes. Deidara breaks away from their desperate kiss.

“God, you’re so pathetic, yeah,” Deidara says with a mean smirk. Her voice is breathless and her lips gloss is smeared across her face. “Already? You haven’t even done anything for me.”

Itachi blinks glassily up at Deidara as she shifts on top of her. The shoulder of the yukata has come free, and the top of one breast greets Itachi. Deidara licks her lips and then straightens her clothes. 

“No peeking until you’ve earned it, yeah,” she says. 

Even as she says this, she pulls her shoulders back and presses her chest forward. The yukata’s tie at her waist has loosened, and there’s a sizable amount of cleavage now compared to before. A tease, just to see how Itachi is hopeless to look anywhere else. 

Deidara wraps one hand around Itachi’s wrist, her fingers slick with Itachi’s own fluids. Then she guides Itachi’s hand over her thighs and up the slip in her yukata. Itachi feels the coarse hairs of her pubes, and then the warm wetness of her cunt. 

Itachi touches her experimentally, her fingers slipping between her labia and then tracing the outline of her vulva. Itachi has touched herself before, but not very often, and she doesn’t feel confident. 

Deidara’s breath evens out into breathy little sighs and she relaxes and closes her eyes as Itachi fingers her clit and then slides a single finger into her. Itachi moves it in and out a few times, and then Deidara cracks one eye open. 

“You’re not very good at this, yeah,” she says. “I thought you were a genius?”

Itachi wonders vaguely if Deidara set her up just to make fun of her. It’s hard to think too deeply about it, when Deidara is on her and her finger is inside her. 

“I didn’t say stop, yeah,” Deidara snaps. “Two fingers. Don’t be afraid to be rough.”

Itachi tries. Deidara’s smirk widens. She’s clearly making fun of her. 

“Can’t you just use your sharingan to copy what I did?” she drawls. 

“You have extra… tools,” Itachi tells her lamely. 

“Hmm,” Deidara hums. “Well, that’s okay. I thought you’d be bad. I just wanted to see how bad, yeah.”

She fixes Itachi with a deeply smug expression, as if Itachi being inexperienced at sex was her preferred outcome. Then she slides off Itachi and pads across the room to her bag. 

She comes back with a huge, strap-on pink dildo. 

“Uh,” Itachi says articulately. At least Itachi had used her hands before. She has no idea what to do with that. 

“Don’t worry, you just have to wear it,” Deidara says, patting Itachi’s cheek condescendingly. “I want to ride you, yeah.”

Itachi obeys, following Deidara orders on how to put it on. Itachi’s good at following instructions, at least. Deidara straddles her hips and the dildo disappears under the yukata. Itachi can see the exact moment it enters Deidara, as she lets out a shuddering gasp and her back arches ever so slightly. 

“God,” Deidara breathes out, then rolls her hips against Itachi and the dildo. “Oh, oh!”

Itachi is doing no work but keeping the base of the dildo vaguely steady around her groin area, but she finds the effect on Deidara incredible. Deidara bounces on top of her, groaning in ecstasy, and then pulls at the front of her yukata. She pulls just the top open at first, revealing her huge breasts. They bounce over her rib cage, and Itachi can feel herself getting wet again, her own cunt aching for something more. 

“You like this, yeah?” Deidara gasps out. “Is this what you wanted, you idiot pervert?”

Itachi opens her mouth to respond, but Deidara leans over and shoves her hand over her mouth in an obscene kiss instead. 

“Turn on your sharingan,” Deidara gasps. “I want you to know how to do this, yeah.”

Itachi obeys. Deidara’s chakra network lights up, and Itachi can see every nuance of the way her hips grind against her, the way the weight of her breasts shift and bounce, and the twitch of the muscles in her thighs and abdomen as she rides her. 

Deidara removes her hand from Itachi’s mouth and then plays with her own breasts, tongues lapping away at them. Her yukata is splayed around her hips now, barely held together by its tie. Her upper body is completely free, and the yukata is now parted over her legs. Itachi can see the dildo moving in and out of her. Itachi is throbbing between her legs now, fixated on the picture of Deidara above her. 

Itachi watches in rapt attention until Deidara suddenly grabs for Itachi hands. She brings them up to her breasts, and Itachi pinches and rolls her nipples the way Deidara showed her earlier. Deidara’s whole body tenses, shaking with her orgasm. Then every muscles relaxes, and she goes limp on top of Itachi, breathing heavily. 

Itachi lets go of her nipples, but Deidara still holds her hands firmly in place over her breasts, leaning into her hands. She stares down at Itachi, panting. 

“There,” Deidara breathes out, eyes unfocused. “That’s what I want you to do for me next time, yeah.”

“Okay,” Itachi says, because that’s all she can say. Then she shifts uncomfortably under Deidara, her body still yearning for more. “Deidara, can you…”

“Holy shit,” Deidara says, a smirk creeping across her exhausted face. “Your dick is still in me, and you’re asking for more?”

Deidara slides off the dildo, and then unstraps it from Itachi and tosses it aside. 

“Get on top of me,” Deidara tells her, rolling onto her own back. Itachi does so. Deidara cups her own breasts, pushing them together. “Touch me, yeah.”

Now that Itachi knows what Deidara wants, she’s eager to comply. She takes one nipple into her mouth, carefully grazing it with her teeth and then sucking. While she does this, Deidara slips a hand between Itachi’s thighs, the hand’s tongue dipping into her slit. Itachi attempts to keep her attention on Deidara’s breast, even as warmth builds in her lower belly. 

Deidara’s other hand cups the back of Itachi’s head as she switches her attention to the other nipple. 

“You’re really bad at this, yeah,” Deidara informs her, her tongue swirling around her clit. “You’re lucky I’m so generous.”

“Mm,” Itachi hums. 

“I can’t believe you’re this obsessed with me,” Deidara continues. Then she tugs the hair at the back of Itachi’s head, redirecting her head so it’s pressed between Deidara’s breasts. “I bet you’re so obsessed just this could get you off, yeah.”

The thing getting Itachi off is very decidedly Deidara sucking on her clit with two fingers in her cunt. But Deidara rubbing her face into her massive breasts certainly doesn’t hurt. 

“Idiot,” Deidara breathes out when Itachi comes. 

Deidara doesn’t kick her out of the room when they’re done, which surprises but pleases Itachi. She doesn’t really want to figure out putting her clothes back on and then seeing Kisame, not so soon after this. 

Instead, Deidara lies next to Itachi in the bed and fiddles with Itachi’s hair, telling her she’s pathetic for just letting Deidara touch her however she wants. 

(At the very least, Itachi can now report to Kisame that she’s one hundred percent sure she and Deidara fucked this time.)

“If I fucked you silly with the dildo,” Deidara says conversationally, “could you copy it with the sharingan?”

“I s’pose,” Itachi murmurs back, slowly drifting off to sleep. Deidara’s hands in her hair feel nice, even as Deidara prattles on and on. 

“That’s not very confident, yeah. Maybe I should do it twice, or even three times, so you know what to do…”

[mixelation]

last night i found the dumbest thing i have ever written. it is so dumb i'm not even sure how to begin to contextualize it without you all losing respect for me

[mixelation]

well i can't find the original post but the context is a dream i had that had. fem!akatsuki. but the main point was. this is where it gets dumb

whispers

itachi being incredibly distracted by big tiddy deidara

In the wake of Sasori’s death, before Pain and Konan can figure out what to do with her, Deidara is assigned to a series of three-person missions. She’s hot off of search-and-destroy mission with Hidan and Kakuzu when she shows up at Itachi and Kisame’s hotel room and says she’s their problem for the foreseeable future. 

“Apparently ‘complete destruction of a city’ is overkill, but whatever,” she drawls, pushing by Kisame into the room. To Itachi she greets, “What’s up, dickwad?”

Itachi has not had much in-person interaction with Deidara. She’s of course sat in for her remote reports, done through the complex communication of their rings. Deidara has demonstrated more than once that she’s perfectly capable of giving a concise, organized verbal report when the mood strikes her… but usually the mood strikes her to rant about the joy in blowing up a target, or lengthy complaints about minor inconveniences. 

Today is a “minor inconvenience” day it seems, and Deidara begins to deliver a highly opinionated rant on Hidan and Kakuzu’s camping habits as she shrugs off her cloak. 

“She wouldn’t even go for a hostel dorm for a typhoon,” Deidara whines. “And don’t get me started on the ‘venison tartare’ Hidan tried to get me to eat–”

Itachi wants to point out that Deidara being stuck in a dorm with random civilians would have absolutely ended with her blowing up the dorm, typhoon be damned, and being left out in the rain anyway, but she finds herself too distracted to interrupt Deidara’s rant. 

The Deidara Itachi is used to seeing is a vaguely transparent amorphous blob, hidden beneath an Akatsuki cloak. Itachi has seen her without the cloak, of course, at her ‘recruitment,’ but at the time Itachi was too busy insulting Deidara and her ‘art’ to really be paying attention. 

As before with Deidara, Itachi’s gaze automatically dips down to her chest– there’s something strange there, chakra-wise, and the area over her heart burns bright as the sun through Itachi’s sharingan. When Itachi had been sent to recruit Deidara, she’d seen immediately why she’d be a valuable member, feral mess of a woman or not. 

But today, Itachi’s sharingan isn’t active. Her gaze drops low because… because, well, Deidara’s got a chest that could rival Lady Tsunade’s. 

It’s not like Itachi hadn’t known. She’s just… it’s just really apparent, now. Under her cloak, Deidara’s got a shirt that covers her belly in mesh, and then a strip of black fabric covers her chest. It’s not an unusual style of shirt for a kunoichi. Except. Except. 

The strip of fabric is too small for her chest. It’s stretched tight across it, then ends only about three quarters of the way down. Itachi can very clearly see the bottom of a kelly-green sports bra, the very last of the curve of Deidara’s breasts pushing it out from under the fabric. 

“Well?” Kisame asks. She’s clearly addressing Itachi. 

Itachi has completely missed the conversation she’s meant to give input on. 

“What was that?” she asks. 

Kisame simply quirks her eyebrows. “Do you mind sharing a bed?”

“Ah,” Itachi replies. Yes, they’d gotten a room with two double beds, because no one had warned them Deidara was showing up. “I don’t see why Deidara can’t sleep on the floor. She’s not the one paying out of her pocket.”

Deidara’s face goes red and she puts one hand on her waist and steps forward to shove Itachi with her other hand. 

“You’re always treating me like a second class citizen, yeah,” she accuses, and then hurls several more insults at Itachi that she absolutely doesn’t hear because every violent movement of Deidara’s arm causes jiggle. 

Not a lot. The sports bra is doing an admirable job. But it’s there, inches away from Itachi. 

The argument ends with Itachi not saying a word and Deidara spinning on her foot, grabbing her cloak, and stomping off to see if the hotel will give her a single room. 

Kisame catches Itachi’s eye and cocks her head. 

“Are you okay?” she asks. 

“Of course,” Itachi answers.

[misfit-mccoward]

WHY WOULD YOU BRING THIS BACK

anyway here's more. spicy

i never wrote whatever events lead up to this, but i think it's something like "they do a mission which ends with deidara burning off her shirt, and then itachi can't keep her mouth shut so she goads her into a fight"

****

Itachi is confident she’s the superior at hand-to-hand combat, and therefore should be superior at grappling, but the fabric of Deidara’s bra brushes her forearm, and Itachi’s entire brain shuts down. Deidara wrenches her arms back and Itachi lets her, one of her elbows being forced up under Deidara’s breast. It’s soft and heavy at the same time, and she doesn’t fight at all as Deidara shoves her face into the ground. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Deidara asks, her inner thighs cocooning around Itachi’s hips. 

Itachi opens her mouth with the idea that she’ll make a biting, witty remark. Instead a sad little moan comes out. 

Deidara lets go of her arms. The grip of her thighs loosens. 

“Holy shit,” Deidara says, voice filled with wonder. “Itachi, you–”

Itachi cuts off whatever horrible direction this is suddenly going by attempting to flip them both over. Deidara’s hips move against her again, and she fumbles, and ends up on her back, Deidara still on top. 

“Wow,” Deidara says, unimpressed. She sits regally, back straight as she straddles Itachi’s hips, like she knows she can hold her position for as long as she pleases. “Is this why you can’t stop looking at my tits?”

“No,” Itachi denies immediately, even as her brain tries to process this new, interesting angle of Deidara. She can see where Deidara’s bra is at its highest tension, stretched to its greatest breadth, her breasts curving over the thick band around her rib cage. 

Deidara leans forward, slowly and purposefully, setting her hands on the ground at either side of Itachi’s own chest. Itachi watches in rapt attention as the view slowly changes, Deidara’s cleavage revealing itself to her centimeter by centimeter. 

Unbidden, Itachi’s hips twitch against Deidara’s, a warm aching sensation unfolding. A knowing smirk spreads across Deidara’s face.

“I see,” says Deidara. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Itachi replies. 

“So then you wouldn’t mind at all,” Deidara says, sitting up straight again and rolling herself back on Itachi’s hips in a way that makes her twitch again, “if I did this?”

She pulls off her sports bra. It’s not designed with clasps, so she pulls the band forward and then over her chest. Itachi watches, transfixed, as her breasts come free and then bounce against her rib cage. Her nipples are pink and erect. 

“This seems tactically unwise,” Itachi manages to say. 

“Are you analyzing them with your sharingan, you weird pervert?” Deidara asks, both mocking and pleased. 

“You’re the one who…” Itachi starts and then trails off as Deidara moves again. 

Deidara puts her hands on the ground alongside Itachi’s head now and leans over again. Itachi’s sharingan does analyze every movement, as the weight of her breasts roll off her ribcage as she bends forward, how they hover inches from Itachi’s face. Itachi could open her mouth and lick them, if she wanted. 

“Stick your face in them, pervert,” Deidara challenges. “I can tell you want to. Do it, yeah.” 

Itachi’s hands dig into the ground at the idea. She thinks about how heavy Deidara’s breast had felt against her arm, imagines that weight on her face. Her thigh muscles tense as the heat between her legs intensifies, demanding she rub her legs together. 

Itachi says nothing, even as Deidara lowers herself closer and closer, centimeter by centimeter. Itachi’s knees turn inwards against her will, but she otherwise stays resolute. 

“No?” Deidara says eventually. “Okay, well, feel free to join in any time you want.”

She sits back up. One hand comes up, cupping her breast, and Itachi watches as a tongue slides along her nipple. She cups the other breast next, squishing them together, and then lets out a throaty groan as her other hand mouth tackles that nipple too. 

Itachi really should throw her off. Instead, she’s aching uselessly between her legs as she watches Deidara work herself over. 

“Really?” Deidara says after a few moments of positively pornographic noises. “Nothing?”

Itachi doesn’t have anything to say. 

“Dumbass,” Deidara murmurs. She gets on her knees, slipping one hand down the hem of her pants and between her legs. Itachi watches the way the fabric tugs. Deidara lets out a softer moan.

“You’re really fuck stupid, yeah,” she sighs out after a few moments. Then she reaches forward and puts her free hand over Itachi’s mouth. Itachi’s lips smash against her teeth almost painfully. “Open up,” Deidara demands, panting. 

Against he better judgment, Itachi parts her lips. Deidara’s hand tongue wedges itself inside her mouth. It tastes like earth. 

“Touch me,” Deidara demands. Itachi’s fingers dig into the ground as her sides, and Deidara lets out a disgusted snarl. She shoves her hand down hard over Itachi’s face, and Itachi chokes on her tongue. 

Itachi’s cunt is throbbing. She has no idea what to do. She shouldn’t be indulging Deidara like this. She needs to this to stop, has every ability to make it stop, and yet she does nothing but lie there miserably with Deidara’s tongue down her throat. Deidara boundes a little above her, eyes glazed over with her own pleasure. 

Finally Deidara lets out one little aaah and her eyes slid shut. Her body still. Then she snorts.

“Some genius you are, yeah,” she says, then gets off Itachi and leaves her there.  

xXx

Itachi slinks back into their hotel room, every step feeling like torture. She feels humiliated and thrilled at the same time, turned on and unsatisfied in a deeply physical way. The room is dark, and she can barely make out Kisame’s huge form in one of the beds. Itachi proceeds as silently as she can, cheeks burning with embarrassment.

Itachi crawls into the other bed, and Kisame shifts. This is unfortunate, because Itachi wants nothing more than to never be perceived again. She pulls blankets up over her face. 

“Well?” Kisame says after a minute. “Did you two finally fuck or not?”

Itachi wants to evaporate. She pulls the blankets further up over her. Against her will, she’s still aching between her legs.

“Well?” Kisame presses. 

Itachi’s throat is dry. “I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure?” Kisame repeats, and Itachi can see her sitting up fully. “How can you not know?”

Itachi squeezes her eyes shut and rolls over, pulling the pillow over her head. This turns out to be a mistake, because laying on her side lets gravity press her legs together just enough to feel both good and so much worse because she starts thinking about Deidara again– the angle of looking up and seeing the way the bottom of her breasts sat on her rib cage, watching them shift as her tongue ran over a nipple and then slipped in between–

Itachi’s fist balls in the sheets, her knees squeezing together against her will. Ah, no, Kisame was in the room and she needed to stop–

She rolls out of bed and dashes for the bathroom, feeling deeply ashamed. Kisame can’t care too much– she does stuff like this all the time– but Itachi never does this. 

“That bad, huh?” Kisame calls. “Just fuck her! She’ll say yes!”

“Shut up,” Itachi yells back, and runs the shower.

****

OTHER NOTES: also dw they do fuck apparently because then at the end of the document is this

****

“Oh my god,” Deidara laughs as her fingers part Itachi’s slit. “You are so wet for me already, yeah. It’s almost pathetic.”

She shoves two fingers into Itachi without further preamble. It both hurts and feels incredibly good, and Itachi lets out a soft whimper. 

“So slick,” Deidara purrs as her fingers move in and out. The tongue in her hand brushes against Itachi’s clit, and an obscene noise escapes Itachi’s lips. “You like that?” Deidara asks, her tongue circling Itachi’s clit. “You should have let me do this ages ago, yeah.”

Itachi lets her head roll back and her eyes slide close. It feels so good. She even likes Deidara’s commentary– she is needy and weak, she does need Deidara. Please, please, Deidara, take her. 

Deidara somehow gets her fingers even deeper, letting her bring her palm against Itachi so the lips in her hand can suck her clit. “I do need you,” Itachi whines out, her whole body hot. “Deidara, I need you.”

Deidara buries her free hand in Itachi’s hair and uses it to pull her face forward, so Itachi looks at her. Deidara is smirking, knowing and triumphant. 

“Good,” she says, and then presses her mouth to Itachi’s. It’s rough and domineering, and the switch in focus makes her fingers’ rhythm become uneven and then stop. Itachi doesn’t care. She likes Deidara taking control, likes her shoving her tongues into both Itachi’s mouth and vulva. Her hand pulls at Itachi’s hair, and Itachi moans pathetically into her mouth. 

Itachi feels something inside her suddenly snaps, and she makes a truly embarrassing noise as she comes. Deidara breaks away from their desperate kiss.

“God, you’re so pathetic, yeah,” she says with a mean smirk. Her voice is breathless and her lips gloss is smeared across her face. “Already? You haven’t even done anything for me.”

[misfit-mccoward]

i am once again offering u minakushi smut

this takes place in a plot-free AU where kushina is some sort of forest goddess/spirit and minato is her human boytoy she sends on murdery quests. this is ONLY the sexy bit; that background is just to explain the language lmao. features ummm infidelity as a kink because i was talking to someone about minato as a ~home wrecker~ and i think kushina would find that funny/hot

Kushina sat on the edge of her bed, beckoning for him to approach her. She wore nothing but a thin nightgown, white and nearly transparent. 

“And what of the people you met?” Kushina asked, eyes bright and mischievous and hungry. 

“The lord I stayed with had a young new wife,” Minato said, running a hand through Kushina’s hair. “Pretty, though not the prettiest I’ve seen.”

Kushina’s lips parted in a smile, bearing her pointed teeth. Minato’s heart pounded in his chest. 

“And did she love her husband?” Kushina asked, her hand covering his. 

“I imagine so,” Minato said. “He loved her quite a bit. Doted on her.”

“Oh ho,” Kushina said. “And what did you do?”

Minato’s own lips parted in a toothy grin. 

“Nothing at all,” he said, “except smile at her at mealtimes.”

Kushina pulled his hand from her face, guiding it down her chest and over her breast. “And then?” she prompted. 

“She came into my chamber one night,” Minato said. Kushina’s eyes were bright with excitement. She guided his hand up down her body and then up her skirt, pulling at the fabric with her other hand, clumsy as she kept her eyes on him. 

“And then?”

She was already wet in anticipation. Minato moved even closer to her, running his finger carefully over her. 

“She begged me,” he said, sliding a finger into Kushina. She moaned, letting her eyes close. “She wanted me desperately. She told me she needed me.”

Kushina laid back on the bed as he fingered her, making several delicious sounds of pleasure as she went. Her hair sprawled around her, dramatic red swirls on the white sheets. 

“It only took her three days of my company to ask,” he told Kushina, two fingers now inside her, sliding in and out, his thumb over her clitoris. He leaned over her, gently brushing aside hair to brace his other hand on the bed. “And then she came to my chambers every. Single. Night.”

“And her husband?” Kushina managed to breathe out. 

“She felt guilty,” Minato said. “She cried on the third night, and yet she was back in my bed on the fourth.”

Kushina’s hand balled in the sheets, a long, loud moan escaping her lips. Minato leaned closer to her. 

“Would you like me to show you what I did to her?” he teased. 

“Always,” Kushina replied. 

He withdrew his hand to undress himself, and Kushin rolled onto her side on the bed, pouting at his absence. 

“The lord of course noticed his wife’s absence,” Minato said as he shed his clothes. “But he did not dare to say a word while I was there.”

He climbed onto her. Kushina eagerly cupped his face in both hands and pulled him down into a kiss, her tongue pressing at his lips as soon as they met. Her legs wrapped around his hips, rolling against him. 

“A-ah,” Minato said when Kushina let go of his face. “She was not quite this forward…”

Kushina giggled and rolled again, making Minato’s breath catch. The skirt of her gown was bunched up around her hips, and several top buttons had come undone. She smirked teasingly up at him as she undid the rest, fully exposing her breasts. 

“And what did you do to this poor unforward girl?” Kushina asked. “Or will you have to stop speaking if you demonstrate?”

“No, I looked into her eyes the whole time,” Minato said, “so she would believe I loved her.”

Kushina laughed, her own blue eyes alight with mirth. Minato stared into them, lost in affection for her devious little smile. 

“And did you love her?” Kushina asked, despite knowing the answer, laughter on her tongue. 

“I only love you,” Minato replied. 

Kushina laughed again, and then laughed louder and dug her nails into his back as he entered her. 

“So cruel,” Kushina crooned. And then, when he began to thrust against her, “Oh! No wonder she loved you!”

Minato took a while to watch Kushina’s reactions to his touch. He watched the way her head tilted back on her pillow, her perfect pink lips parting as she breathed out his name. He enjoyed the feel of her nails against his ribs, powerful enough to shred him to pieces if she so chose. 

He loved being inside her, perfectly warm and slick and tight around him. 

“She was a dull lay,” Minato told Kushina eventually, and Kushina rolled her chin forward to meet his eyes again, her own glassy with pleasure and alight with mirth. “But she came quite easily.”

“And will you make me come as easily?” Kushina purred out. A challenge. 

“I think I will try,” Minato told her, and then wrapped his calloused hands around her hips. He lifted her slightly, shifted the angle of himself inside her. 

“Oh!” Kushina cried, dropping her hands to ball in her sheets again.

“When I returned, months later,” Minato continued, thrusting as hard as he dared now. He had to speak louder to be heard over the sounds Kushin was now making. “The lady was heavy with child, and yet she returned to me at night, begging through her tears.”

“A-ah!” Kushina moaned. 

“I expect the child will be blonde, and then everyone will know.”

Kushina let out a wordless cry of pleasure, tensing around him as she came. He could feel it in the way her walls closed around him and the flex of her thighs and hips muscles, a terrifying power which she used only to hold him. Minato did his best to continue to fuck her through it, but he came undone himself seconds later. 

Then there was a stillness, both of them panting into the night. He slid out of her, and Kushina hummed in satisfaction.

Kushina curled onto her side, her lips turned up cheekily at him. 

“You have ruined an entire home,” she said, teasing. “You are quite a horrible man.”

He laid next to her.

“I am,” he said. 

“I think as guardian of this land,” Kushina said, reaching forward to cup his chin in her hand, “that I must punish you, mustn’t I?”

“If that’s what you wish,” Minato replied. His eyelids slipped lazily. 

“Lay on your back,” Kushina commanded, and he did so. 

Kushina then braced herself against the headboard of the bed. Minato heard the shift and thump of fabric as she discarded her night gown, but his vision was obscured by her hovering over him. He obediently raised his hands to hold her thighs in place. She was still dripping, both with her fluids and his. 

“I think you can do this again, can’t you?” Kushina said. 

Minato could not speak as his tongue dipped into her. He was sure his actions answered her. 

[misfit-mccoward]

once again i arrive with sakukarin ridiculous medical jutsu smut. except this time i was thinking about the "lesbians have an insane number of orgasms" trope and also somehow "what if that, but also they're bad at it"

takes place in an AU where karin just lives in Konoha for some reason and is dating sakura. it's both of their First Time (tm) and they're implied to be kind of young. idk maybe it's like post-canon and they're 18/19

****

“Okay,” Sakura had said when Karin had proposed this. “But what do two girls… do?”

Karin had leaned in as sexily as she could and said, “Don’t worry. I know just what to do.”

This had turned out to be a lie. The only things Karin knew about two women having sex came from two characters in Icha Icha. The scenes described had seemed terribly exciting to her, which is why she’d gone and asked Sakura if she wanted to give it a whirl. 

Mostly, the fictional lesbians had just scissored and pressed their huge boobs against each other. Karin had been terribly turned on by the descriptions of the latter, but in practice it was… less fun. Kinda of weird. She gave up on this angle of making out with Sakura quickly. 

Touching Sakura’s tits was fun, though. Karin had her balanced on her thigh, held in place by one of her chains around Sakura’s waist. Sakura was flushed deeper than the pink of her hair, her green eyes wonderfully glassy and unfocused. Sakura’s hands were clasped around Karin’s wrists as Karin played with her bare breasts, occasionally tugging Karin to press harder or to move in a certain direction. 

Karin experimentally squeezed one of Sakura’s nipples, and she moaned out Karin’s name. 

“You are so hot right now,” Karin told her. She hoped Sakura felt even half as sexy as she looked. 

Sakura rubbed herself against Karin’s bare thigh, and the ache between Karin’s own thighs was starting to get annoying. Okay. Time to really get into it. She used her chain to yank Sakura’s body against hers, pushing her own hips forward on the edge of her bed. This brought the top of Sakura’s thigh against her. 

That felt amazing too. Sakura dropped her hands to Karin’s waist and ground against her. 

“A-ah,” Karin whined in a much less sexy voice than she meant to. 

“I like this,” Sakura breathed into her ear, and Karin felt goosebumps spread across her neck and down her spine. “Use the chain more.”

Most of Karin’s usually scheming thoughts were completely replaced with Girl? Pretty girl?! But she summoned two more chains to wrap around Sakura’s arms and then laid back on the bed, dragging Sakura down with her. 

Karin did not use the chains to inhibit Sakura from doing whatever she wanted with her arms, and so Sakura propped herself up on her elbows on either side of Karin.

“Ah– my hair–” Karin whined, jolting at the sudden pain, and Sakura shifted, momentarily distracted from her efforts.

They stared at each other, Sakura’s face inches from Karin, and continued. 

After a while, Sakura asked, “Are we, uh… supposed to do anything else?”

Karin still felt very good. But she certainly wasn’t getting anywhere. 

“Um,” Karin said. She refused to admit her only research was bad erotica novels and her own hand. 

Sakura sat up more, blinking down at Karin to clear her expression. Then she gave Karin an overly technical explanation of the biology of an orgasm, possibly recited directly from one of her medical books. 

“What?” Karin said. 

“Friction should be enough,” Sakura said, then tucked her chin to her chest and frowned downwards, like maybe a visual examination could figure out the problem. Then she said, “Ino said oral feels really good.”

“I don’t want to do that,” Karin said bluntly. 

Sakura nodded absentmindedly. Karin didn’t like… she didn’t like oral things. Maybe some other time, because Sakura was definitely safe. But not her first time. 

“I think I can stimulate it,” Sakura said, eyes meeting Karin’s. “If you want to try…?”

Karin cracked a grin. Sakura was a medical jutsu genius. She’d trust her with anything. “Sure,” she said, dissolving the chains around Sakura’s arms. 

Sakura slipped her hand between Karin’s legs. Two fingers parted Karin’s slit, wet and slick from their previous activities, and then pressed against her clit. 

This act felt very good, actually, Karin opened her mouth to let out a very performative but sexy moan of encouragement. Then Sakura activated some sort of medical jutsu, and Karin let out a scream instead. 

It was like going from zero to one hundred in half a second. One moment Karin was mildly turned on, and then the next she was having an orgasm stronger than any she’d managed before. 

“Oh my gosh!” Sakura yelped, on her feet immediately. “Karin are you okay—- I’m so sorry—” 

Karin lay on her back, panting. What the fuck, Sakura. 

“Well, it worked?” Karin breathed out as her girlfriend leaned over her, fingers raking through her hair. Not the fingers she’d put in Karin, Karin noted. Those fingers were covered in fluids now.  

Sakura was biting her lip in concern. She was so cute when she got like this. 

“Do you want to try again?” Karin offered. 

“I’m not…” Sakura started, and Karin caught her wrist. 

“I’m kinda into it,” she said. “Just go slower?”

Sakura nodded with a determination that Karin didn’t think casual sex with your girlfriend really required, even if it was their first time. 

Sakura did not successfully go slower the second time, although she did manage to drag the orgasm out longer. Karin arched her back into the covers of her bed and screamed some more, and then attempted to close her thighs around Sakura when she drew her hand back, because holy fuck. 

Sakura watched her the whole time with a look of deep concentration on her face. 

It wasn’t that it felt bad. It was Sakura’s fingers and Sakura’s chakra and it was an orgasm. It was just that it was… it was a lot, all at once. But Karin liked that look on Sakura, like Karin’s pleasure was the only thing worth thinking about. 

Karin was panting. “Try again,” she told Sakura. 

“I don’t think—-” Sakura started, but Karin yanked the chain still around her waist, pulling Sakura back between her thighs. 

“Do it until you get it right,” Karin told her. 

“O-okay,” Sakura sputtered out, face still determined. “But, um– I’m stopping if you get exhausted or dehydrated.”

Karin was an Uzumaki. She didn’t get exhausted, and Sakura’s weird experimental jutsu didn’t care about refractory periods. 

Karin’s only break was that at some point, Sakura went into her bathroom to get a towel. This was actually the hottest possible outcome, Karin decided, lounging in the afterglow of her fifth artificial orgasm. Big tiddy Icha Icha protagonist who? Karin had the hottest girlfriend on earth. 

After thirteen attempts, Sakura finally got it. Karin was barely coherent as she whimpered and moaned her way through a reasonably paced orgasm. Sakura leaned over her, beaming and triumphant. So fucking cute. Karin was pretty sure she was drooling grossly. 

But, by God, Karin was going to sleep well tonight. Also she had all the bragging rights. 

Sakura sat on the bed next to Karin, who was some sort of puddle at this point. Her grin was so happy and cute and proud of herself. 

“Was it good?” she asked. 

Karin blinked slowly at her. “Try it out yourself.”

Sakura’s cheeks flushed. 

Karin added, “I want to see.”

Sakura laid down on the bed next to her, shooting a cute little smile at Karin as she did so. 

Karin knew Sakura didn’t really like to masturbate. They’d talked about it, when they’d first talked about having sex. But she put her hand between her legs without hesitation, although Karin was too tired to watch anything but Sakura’s face. Sakura looked unsure of herself at first, and then her eyes widened in a pleased surprise. Then she sank back fully into the bed, eyes rolling back as she enjoyed herself. 

Perfect, Karin thought. 

[misfit-mccoward]

this fic has been added to ao3 :)

[misfit-mccoward]

once again i arrive with sakukarin ridiculous medical jutsu smut. except this time i was thinking about the "lesbians have an insane number of orgasms" trope and also somehow "what if that, but also they're bad at it"

takes place in an AU where karin just lives in Konoha for some reason and is dating sakura. it's both of their First Time (tm) and they're implied to be kind of young. idk maybe it's like post-canon and they're 18/19

****

“Okay,” Sakura had said when Karin had proposed this. “But what do two girls… do?”

Karin had leaned in as sexily as she could and said, “Don’t worry. I know just what to do.”

This had turned out to be a lie. The only things Karin knew about two women having sex came from two characters in Icha Icha. The scenes described had seemed terribly exciting to her, which is why she’d gone and asked Sakura if she wanted to give it a whirl. 

Mostly, the fictional lesbians had just scissored and pressed their huge boobs against each other. Karin had been terribly turned on by the descriptions of the latter, but in practice it was… less fun. Kinda of weird. She gave up on this angle of making out with Sakura quickly. 

Touching Sakura’s tits was fun, though. Karin had her balanced on her thigh, held in place by one of her chains around Sakura’s waist. Sakura was flushed deeper than the pink of her hair, her green eyes wonderfully glassy and unfocused. Sakura’s hands were clasped around Karin’s wrists as Karin played with her bare breasts, occasionally tugging Karin to press harder or to move in a certain direction. 

Karin experimentally squeezed one of Sakura’s nipples, and she moaned out Karin’s name. 

“You are so hot right now,” Karin told her. She hoped Sakura felt even half as sexy as she looked. 

Sakura rubbed herself against Karin’s bare thigh, and the ache between Karin’s own thighs was starting to get annoying. Okay. Time to really get into it. She used her chain to yank Sakura’s body against hers, pushing her own hips forward on the edge of her bed. This brought the top of Sakura’s thigh against her. 

That felt amazing too. Sakura dropped her hands to Karin’s waist and ground against her. 

“A-ah,” Karin whined in a much less sexy voice than she meant to. 

“I like this,” Sakura breathed into her ear, and Karin felt goosebumps spread across her neck and down her spine. “Use the chain more.”

Most of Karin’s usually scheming thoughts were completely replaced with Girl? Pretty girl?! But she summoned two more chains to wrap around Sakura’s arms and then laid back on the bed, dragging Sakura down with her. 

Karin did not use the chains to inhibit Sakura from doing whatever she wanted with her arms, and so Sakura propped herself up on her elbows on either side of Karin.

“Ah– my hair–” Karin whined, jolting at the sudden pain, and Sakura shifted, momentarily distracted from her efforts.

They stared at each other, Sakura’s face inches from Karin, and continued. 

After a while, Sakura asked, “Are we, uh… supposed to do anything else?”

Karin still felt very good. But she certainly wasn’t getting anywhere. 

“Um,” Karin said. She refused to admit her only research was bad erotica novels and her own hand. 

Sakura sat up more, blinking down at Karin to clear her expression. Then she gave Karin an overly technical explanation of the biology of an orgasm, possibly recited directly from one of her medical books. 

“What?” Karin said. 

“Friction should be enough,” Sakura said, then tucked her chin to her chest and frowned downwards, like maybe a visual examination could figure out the problem. Then she said, “Ino said oral feels really good.”

“I don’t want to do that,” Karin said bluntly. 

Sakura nodded absentmindedly. Karin didn’t like… she didn’t like oral things. Maybe some other time, because Sakura was definitely safe. But not her first time. 

“I think I can stimulate it,” Sakura said, eyes meeting Karin’s. “If you want to try…?”

Karin cracked a grin. Sakura was a medical jutsu genius. She’d trust her with anything. “Sure,” she said, dissolving the chains around Sakura’s arms. 

Sakura slipped her hand between Karin’s legs. Two fingers parted Karin’s slit, wet and slick from their previous activities, and then pressed against her clit. 

This act felt very good, actually, Karin opened her mouth to let out a very performative but sexy moan of encouragement. Then Sakura activated some sort of medical jutsu, and Karin let out a scream instead. 

It was like going from zero to one hundred in half a second. One moment Karin was mildly turned on, and then the next she was having an orgasm stronger than any she’d managed before. 

“Oh my gosh!” Sakura yelped, on her feet immediately. “Karin are you okay—- I’m so sorry—” 

Karin lay on her back, panting. What the fuck, Sakura. 

“Well, it worked?” Karin breathed out as her girlfriend leaned over her, fingers raking through her hair. Not the fingers she’d put in Karin, Karin noted. Those fingers were covered in fluids now.  

Sakura was biting her lip in concern. She was so cute when she got like this. 

“Do you want to try again?” Karin offered. 

“I’m not…” Sakura started, and Karin caught her wrist. 

“I’m kinda into it,” she said. “Just go slower?”

Sakura nodded with a determination that Karin didn’t think casual sex with your girlfriend really required, even if it was their first time. 

Sakura did not successfully go slower the second time, although she did manage to drag the orgasm out longer. Karin arched her back into the covers of her bed and screamed some more, and then attempted to close her thighs around Sakura when she drew her hand back, because holy fuck. 

Sakura watched her the whole time with a look of deep concentration on her face. 

It wasn’t that it felt bad. It was Sakura’s fingers and Sakura’s chakra and it was an orgasm. It was just that it was… it was a lot, all at once. But Karin liked that look on Sakura, like Karin’s pleasure was the only thing worth thinking about. 

Karin was panting. “Try again,” she told Sakura. 

“I don’t think—-” Sakura started, but Karin yanked the chain still around her waist, pulling Sakura back between her thighs. 

“Do it until you get it right,” Karin told her. 

“O-okay,” Sakura sputtered out, face still determined. “But, um– I’m stopping if you get exhausted or dehydrated.”

Karin was an Uzumaki. She didn’t get exhausted, and Sakura’s weird experimental jutsu didn’t care about refractory periods. 

Karin’s only break was that at some point, Sakura went into her bathroom to get a towel. This was actually the hottest possible outcome, Karin decided, lounging in the afterglow of her fifth artificial orgasm. Big tiddy Icha Icha protagonist who? Karin had the hottest girlfriend on earth. 

After thirteen attempts, Sakura finally got it. Karin was barely coherent as she whimpered and moaned her way through a reasonably paced orgasm. Sakura leaned over her, beaming and triumphant. So fucking cute. Karin was pretty sure she was drooling grossly. 

But, by God, Karin was going to sleep well tonight. Also she had all the bragging rights. 

Sakura sat on the bed next to Karin, who was some sort of puddle at this point. Her grin was so happy and cute and proud of herself. 

“Was it good?” she asked. 

Karin blinked slowly at her. “Try it out yourself.”

Sakura’s cheeks flushed. 

Karin added, “I want to see.”

Sakura laid down on the bed next to her, shooting a cute little smile at Karin as she did so. 

Karin knew Sakura didn’t really like to masturbate. They’d talked about it, when they’d first talked about having sex. But she put her hand between her legs without hesitation, although Karin was too tired to watch anything but Sakura’s face. Sakura looked unsure of herself at first, and then her eyes widened in a pleased surprise. Then she sank back fully into the bed, eyes rolling back as she enjoyed herself. 

Perfect, Karin thought. 

[misfit-mccoward]

this is meant to be part of reborn au but it's. uh. minakushi PWP

SHRUG I DON'T KNOW???

this is supposed to be the day after kushina gets back from iwa. might edit a couple lines and just make it a stand alone and toss it on ao3, idk

anyway i couldn't find minakushi using EITHER of their jutsu in bed so here u go

xXx

When she finally gets out of bed, Kushina doesn’t bother getting fully dressed. The house is empty, with Minato at work and Naruto in school. She doesn’t have a responsibility in the world, except to lounge around and enjoy herself. She treats herself to another very long bath, and then puts on a fresh pair of panties and steals another of Minato’s shirts. 

She spends the next hour sprawled across her bed, making notes about her mission so she won’t forget. Technically she’s meant to churn out a full report as soon as possible. But, pft, who’s going to keep her to that? She doesn’t necessarily like pulling this card, but all she has to do is bad her eyelashes at Minato, and he’ll give her as many extensions as she wants. 

No, today is about Kushina.

She goes downstairs and puts on the kitchen radio as loud as it will go, and then does a few stretches in the living room, still in her underwear. It feels good. One of the underrated annoyances about long-term missions is that you have to be battle ready at all times, and on top of that, she’s not sure how her genin would react to her sitting around in her underwear. She hasn’t felt this free, so to speak, in weeks. 

She wanders aimlessly through the house for a bit. She’d missed her family, but she’d also missed just getting a few moments to herself. One of her favorite songs comes on and she hums along. 

Eventually, she decides she’s hungry and opens the fridge. 

Lucky, she thinks when she finds a fresh basket of strawberries. She’d expected to find the fridge bare, but apparently Minato had had time to go hunt her down her favorite treat. Grinning ear to ear, she brings the entire basket and a bowl of sweetened condensed milk to the living room and stitches on the TV. 

She’s starting to get bored with the game show that’s on when Minato is suddenly standing in front of the TV. She very rarely startles at him doing this, but she’s out of practice. She fumbles the strawberry on its way to her mouth. 

“Hey,” she says, trying to cover up her fumble. Embarrassing! “What’s up?”

“I was just…” Minato stares at her. “Uh, I came to check…”

Kushina blinks at him. “Spit it out,” she says. 

“Um, it’s my lunch…”

Minato’s cheeks are pink. 

Oh! Kushina thinks. She’s laid out on her side with her legs bare and her shoulder and half a tit hanging out of her shirt, licking milk off of strawberries like some sort of god of gluttony. 

This is perfect, actually.  

“Is that all you came to check?” Kushina asks. Then she uses a thumb to very purposefully wipe condensed milk from her lips. “Or did you want that rain check…?”

She arches her back, playfully making her pose more ridiculous. 

“I shouldn’t,” Minato starts, although the intensity of his gaze means he definitely wants it. “I have a meeting.”

“Make them wait,” Kushina tells him. “You wouldn’t make me wait, would you?”

Minato hesitates only a moment, bouncing on the balls of his feet like an impatient teenager. There’s only a meter and a half between them, but apparently this is too much for Minato to bear to navigate. One second he’s fidgeting in front of the TV, and next he’s on top of her on the couch, hands on either side of her head. 

A peel of laughter escapes Kushina. She’s sure Hiraishin is a nightmare jutsu to most of the world, but for her it’s a convenience and a comfort. She twists onto her back and wraps her legs around his hips. Minato’s lips are on hers, eager and happy. 

She rolls her hips against his, and he moans deep in the back of his throat. The TV is still playing whatever stupid game show, but this is the only sound Kushina registers. 

Ha, she thinks smugly, then does her best to pull off his Hokage cloak while he makes out with her. It’s awkward, but she gets it off in record time. 

She cranes her neck back, away from his kiss, and Minato immediately switches his attention to her neck. She digs her fingers into his hair. 

“I don’t want to do this on the couch,” she says. She’d have to clean before Naruto got home, and she’s not doing that on her day off. 

Minato hums, tenses ever so slightly, and then they’re on their bed. Minato is still doing his best to give her a hickey big enough that her healing factor will take more than a few minutes to vanish. 

Kushina loves this so much. She runs her foot down the back of his thigh, her fingers still in his hair. 

“Not here,” she tells him on a whim. “Too vanilla.”

Minato tries their shower next. This maneuver is more difficult. He lands vertical, on his feet, and his hands immediately move down to her thigh and lower back to steady her in his arms. Then her back is being pressed against the shower wall while his teeth graze her clavicle. 

“Won’t they notice if you come back wet?” she asks through her giggles. 

“Let them,” he says into her chest, and then he presses her harder against the wall. “I missed you so much.”

They literally had sex last night. But Kushina missed him too. She presses his shoulders to make him lean back and then pulls at his shirt. He obligingly raises one arm and then the other for her, and she tosses the shirt out of the shower stall. 

“Hmm, no,” Kushina decides. “I don’t want shower sex. Take me somewhere… exotic.”

Minato raises his eyebrows, but he takes her to a forest. He has to shift again, to hold her up without the support of a wall. Her legs are still wrapped firmly around his waist. 

“Ooh, kinky,” Kushina says, then presses her lips to his. She works on getting his pants off with her toes next, which probably doesn’t look or feel very sexy, but Minato hardly complains. 

He gets her down onto the ground next, his thumb dipping under the hem of her panties. Kushina has other ideas, though, and she flips him over onto his back and straddles him. He moans, and she takes a few moments to just sit back and look at him. His face is flushed, and she’s completely fucked up his hair already. Now it splays out over the orange pine of the forest floor, spiking out in random patterns. A disgustingly lovesick grin is on his face. Under her in just his boxers, she can feel his erection. 

“I like this,” Kushina decides. Then she decides to do something she rarely does in bed. 

Minato gasps quietly when the first chain wraps around his wrist, but he does nothing to fight it gently pulling his arm back. Instead he blushes deeper and his whole body relaxes into it. 

Good, Kushina thinks, and then pins back his other arm with another chain. She pulls both arms away from him, as far as she can without hurting him, spreading him out beneath her. 

“I like you like this,” Kushina says, tracing her nails down his chest and stomach. He shivers as she goes. She meets his eyes. “All mine.”

He groans her name, deep and throaty. 

She yanks off his boxers before she pins his legs with chains too. She guides him inside of her. 

She rides him until his eyes are completely glassy and unfocused with pleasure. Then she stops. He moans her name again, a plea this time, and his eyes blink dumbly up at her. Kushina likes this. 

“I’m bored of this place,” she tells him. “Take me somewhere else.”

“K-kushina,” he whines. 

She tightens the chains and shifts on top of him juuuust enough. He whimpers. It sounds so good.

“Go on,” she tells him. 

Probably the Hiraishin is stupid difficult while spread-eagle and inside of someone, but Minato still manages to take them to some sort of waterfall. 

“Hmm, no,” she decides. 

“Kushina.”

Minato didn’t teleport the chains with them, and he reaches for her thigh. It takes barely any effort to resummon the chains, though. She raises her eyebrows as one catches his hand again. 

“Mi-na-to,” she says back to him. 

He takes her to another forest, and then a beach, and then a cliff. The cliff is all open space, with only a few scraggly trees and then a view of the sea for miles and miles. It’s here she finally fucks him, listening to his moans and the sea below. Her chains creep further up Minato limbs, and he breathes out her name like a prayer. It feels so good; she feels sexy and in control. 

She finishes before him, probably because she was running him ragged doing things he probably didn’t find all that erotic himself. 

She gets back on her knees and scoots back, just so she can see him. 

“Aaw,” she coos at him. Her chains have snaked all across his arms and legs. He’s red and sweaty and covered in her fluids, an absolute mess of a man. “You’re a mess. How about you take us home, and I’ll help you out?”

She runs her finger up his shaft, slick with her own fluid. It’s all the contact he needs to teleport them, even as he does a full-body shudder. 

“Please, Kushina,” he begs when they’re in bed. He’s temporarily free of her chains, but he doesn’t even bother reaching for, just pleads with his eyes. 

Kushina pretends to think about it for a full minute, just to watch him squirm. But of course she’ll help him out. She wanted him home, in bed, specifically to see what he’d look like there, completely tangled up in her. 

And so she wraps her chains around all four limbs and his torso, even letting one playfully snake across his neck before settling around his chest. She ties him up completely, so that he’s completely at her whim, so that no other man could fight her. Minato could get out, of course, if he wanted to. He doesn’t though; he lets her tug him around a bit, only begging for her to touch him. 

“Well,” she says, after she’s had her eyeful of him. “Okay.”

She drags him completely off the bed next, pinning him against the wall. He’s not as hard as he was before, but she can fix that. She gets on her knees, wrapping a hand around the base of his cock. Then she runs a tongue over his head experimentally, tasting the remains of her salt on him. 

Minato moans, the loudest yet. Kusina smirks and gets to work. 

When he finally comes, she makes a big deal of swallowing and wiping her mouth clean with a finger, just like she’d done with the condensed milk. Her chains evaporate, and Minato crumples to the floor in front of her. He looks completely wrecked, with red marks all over him from her chains and his pupils huge. 

He also has a big, exhausted smile on his face. 

Kushina is pretty proud of herself. She settles on the floor next to him and pulls him into her lap. 

“You were mean today,” Minato whines into her thighs. 

“I know,” she says unapologetically, raking her fingers through his hair. “Do you want me to send a message that you’ll miss your meeting?”

“Not if it means you stop doing that,” Minato mumbles, his eyes fluttering closed. 

He dozes off, and Kushina leans back against the wall, her fingers still gently scraping his scalp. She’s just starting to nod off herself when Minato suddenly tenses and rolls off of her. 

“My pants!” he cries. “Kushina– I– there’s a scroll–”

There was a scroll with confidential information in his pants pocket. It’s not world-shatteringly confidential, but it would be awkward for him if the wrong person read it. Okay. Not weird for a Hokage. 

“So?” Kushina asks. 

“I don’t…” Minato buries his face in his hands. “I don’t remember where my pants are.”

Kushina feels bad, but only a little. Mostly that’s really funny. She laughs, and Minato collapses back into her lap.

[misfit-mccoward]

i guess this is just my nsfw blog now??

itadei, "we started making out during a spar, oops," skips the spar part and starts with the sex. technically set in the far flung future of my fic homemade dynamite (so they're both adults and have been hooking up for a while), but you don't need to have read hd to understand

Intellectually, Deidara recognizes he’s still in a genjutsu. He’s not really yanking Itachi’s pants off. But the genjutsu Itachi just lets him, obediently gets on his hands and knees for him and– and Deidara is not stopping. 

He thrusts himself roughly into Itachi, soliciting a deep groan from Itachi, and Deidara reaches around to wrap one hand around Itachi’s rock-hard dick. The lips and and tongue of his hand-mouth go to work while Deidara rocks his hips against Itachi, and it feels so good. He likes this so much, having Itachi submit control to him, to letting Deidara manipulate his body. He doesn’t even care that outside the genjustu he’s probably just humping Itachi’s leg like a randy teen.

It’s not like Itachi is stopping him. He makes all sorts of encouraging noises, asking for more, begging Deidara to go deeper and harder. 

Itachi comes first, right into Deidara’s hand mouth, filling it up so it starts leaking out over his palm, and Deidara fucks him through his organism and keeps going. When Deidara finally comes himself, he yells, clutching at Itachi’s hips. 

When the genjutsu fades, he’s still on top of Itachi, all of their clothes still on. He’s panting and sweating and his muscles are tense, just like he actually had been fucking Itachi’s brains out. His dick is twitching with the aftermath of one of the best orgasms he’s ever had, even in his now sticky and uncomfortable underwear. 

Itachi is looking up at him with a very strange look on his face. It’s a little bit smug, but there’s also a sense of wonder there. 

“Fuck,” Deidara moans out. Even if the sex had only happened in his head, he’d still come that hard in his pants, and he’s feeling the hormonal aftermath. 

“Deidara, you…” Itachi starts and then pauses. Deidara can feel Itachi is hard underneath him, so whatever he was doing must have turned him on. Itachi’s eyes drop down to Deidara’s mouth, and Deidara realizes he’s just had it hanging open, panting with his own horniness.

Itachi flips them over, pressing his mouth desperately to Deidara’s. He shoves his tongue into Deidara, and Deidara moans. Deidara is… not ready to do anything sexy again, not yet, but he loves Itachi’s single-minded focus on him. He lets Itachi kiss him, run his hands over him, rub his dick against Deidara’s thigh. 

Itachi breaks away, now panting himself, and says, “We need to go back to my place.”

Deidara squirms beneath him, purposefully pressing against Itachi’s erection just to see the face he makes. 

“Yeah, well, you made me cream my pants like a teenager, so you’re gonna have to wait either way, yeah,” Deidara tells him. 

Itachi makes an irritated noise, reaching up to pull sweaty pieces of Deidara’s hair away from his face. “I couldn’t help myself,” he says. “You looked… sexy.”

Deidara rolls his eyes, but he feels a sort of smug satisfaction curl through his body. Yeah, Itachi is so into him, so fucking obsessed with him, that he thinks Deidara just coming in his pants under the power of a genjutsu is hot. 

“Here,” Deidara says, shoving one hand and then the other down Itachi’s pants. “I’ll make us even, yeah.”

He goes slow and gentle, licking up and down Itachi’s length with both tongues until Itachi loses control of his usually blank expression and makes a truly exquisite face. Then Deidara sucks the head of Itachi’s cock with one hand while he strokes with the other.

“Deidara,” Itachi moans. 

“You’re obsessed with me, yeah,” Deidara says, meticulously running his mouth-tongue over Itachi’s head. “Admit it.”

Itachi leans further into his hands, pressing his dick to the back of the hand’s mouth, bringing his face closer to Deidara’s. 

“I want you,” Itachi breathes out, then lets out a little moan. “You’re all I think about. You, your art, your hands–”

Itachi cuts himself off with another moan, and Deidara grins.

Later, they both stagger back to Itachi’s place with pants full of cum. Itachi assures Deidara that no one will notice, because Itachi is very good at genjutsu.

[misfit-mccoward]

sexy times

hmmm so this is like chapter 2.5 of Do A Science, which is just. it's sakukarin nonsensical magic chakra porn. context is barely needed if you haven’t read the fic but want to read sakukarin…. they're in an abandoned Sound base and sakura is Stressed

Karin changed as quickly as she could in a bathroom stall, practically ripping her clothes off and tossing them aside. She then shrugged on the lab coat and stood in front of the narrow full-length mirror between the two sinks, modeling for herself.

The lab coat had to go unbuttoned, of course. It was a shame she hadn’t packed any of her sexy underwear, but at least both her bra and panties were black. Something about tossing a white lab coat on top of them gave her sports bra and boy short underwear that extra oomph she’d normally accomplish with padding and a lot of lace.

Karin played a bit with letting one side of the lab coat hang off her shoulder, trying different poses.

“Maa, Sakura-chan,” she cooed to her reflection. She stuck out her bottom lip and pouted. “I can’t sleep~”

Oh, no. Maybe Sakura wouldn’t be into that? Maybe…

Karin grabbed her thigh-high sandals and zipped them up over her bare legs. She struck a ramrod straight posture and crossed her legs at the ankle.

“Doctor Haruno,” she said in her deepest, most sultry voice, adjusting her glasses. “The lab results are in. Would you like to go over them now…?”

Yes, yes! That was definitely better; Karin looked hot like this. Then when Sakura said yes, Karin could drop the lab coat entirely and go, “They’re right here, Doctor.”

Karin giggled maniacally to herself as she shoved her discarded clothes into her travel bag. She then dropped it under one of the sinks to collect later. Back in the day, when Sound was still a real village, anything abandoned in the bathroom would be stolen in less than an hour. But who would take her stuff now? Suigetsu?

Actually, Suigetsu would totally riffle through her stuff. Karin paused halfway to the door, turned on her heel, and went back to her bag. She pulled a few tampons out from one of the inside pockets and scattered them at the top of her things, then left the bag unzipped with the tampons on full display.

There. Suigetsu-proof!

Karin then practically skipped down the hall to Sakura’s room, going over all sorts of sexy scenarios they could act out in her head. For example, what if Karin pretended to have a very rare and very sexy disease that made her clinically horny, and Sakura had to help her by getting her off AND running chakra all over her? Or what if Karin was a very bad enemy kunoichi who would blab very sexy secrets about Sakura if Sakura didn’t shut her up by sitting on her face?

Karin was feeling extremely giddy about the possibilities as she knocked on Sakura’s door, rubbing her knees together. Yes, yes, all of these ideas were great! Karin was basically a genius…!

Karin could feel Sakura inside the room. Karin could feel where everyone was in the building, at all times, but she’d been especially paying attention to Sakura’s chakra. It was– how could Karin describe this– huge. Not like how Juugo or Naruto both just had a lot of chakra naturally, but a formidable, terrifying concentration of chakra that rested just behind Sakura’s pretty green eyes. An entire ocean of Sakura carefully controlled chakra, pushed together and controlled and deadly.

What happened when Sakura let all that go? Everything about Sakura’s chakra was carefully calculated and controlled, never a single drop wasted, able to manipulate life itself down to a cellular level at Sakura’s whim. Karin shivered as she thought of what Sakura could do with all that.

Sakura got up to open the door herself, her chakra already all bothered and energetic, and in a slightly panicked snap decision as the door moved, Karin threw herself against the door frame. She arched her back as much as she could, and then bent one knee with the sole of her foot against the frame, so Sakura could get a really good look at how long and nice Karin’s leg was.

“Orochimaru, I swear to the God of Fucking himself, I will–” Sakura started, then immediately cut herself off when she saw Karin. “Uh.”

“Hello, Sakura,” Karin purred, angling her face downward to peer at Sakura over her glasses.

Sakura took a step back. Karin turned, standing on both feet and leaning an elbow against the frame. She bent forward and cocked a hip, so that the lab coat would fall behind her hip and exaggerate her curves. If only she’d had her push-up bra, Sakura would get a lovely sight of cleavage, but oh well. Karin’s hips and legs were really the stars of the show, anyway.

“Are you…” Sakura started, looking skeptical, “...okay, Karin?”

Ah, shit, Karin thought. She dropped her sexy pose.

“I came to see if you needed… assistance,” Karin tried, waggling her eyebrows.

Sakura looked her up and down, face neutral. The assessment of Karin from head to toe was quick and clinical, but then her eyes took much longer than necessary to wander back up to meet Karin’s.

Karin smirked. She fluttered her eyelashes at Sakura.

Sakura took another step back. “Why don’t you come in?” she said.

Karin shut the door behind her, not taking her eyes off Sakura as she walked back towards Orochimaru’s bed. Sakura had stripped down to a mesh undershirt and her black shorts, and Karin had an excellent view of the line of Sakura’s spine and the exact curve of her perfect butt.

Sakura plopped down on Orochimaru’s bed and crossed her legs on the cover.

“Don’t you dare wear a dirty lab coat into bed,” Sakura said.

“Well, if you insist,” Karin replied.

There weren’t a lot of steps to removing an unbuttoned lab coat, but Karin did her best to take it off as slowly as possible, letting it slide down her arms and dropping it in a puddle at her feet. She then ran a hand through her hair, from the roots to the very ends, just to show it off for Sakura.

Sakura watched her, looking mildly interested but not, like, turned on. Rude of her.

“Would you like me to take off the shoes too?” Karin asked coyly.

Sakura licked her lips and her chakra curled in on itself, and Karin’s heart skipped a beat.

“I think I should clarify,” Sakura said slowly, “I don’t usually, ah… do this.”

Karin did her best to sexily slink forward, dropping herself onto the foot on the bed and then raking her hair over one shoulder so Sakura could still see the curve of her back, which was now starting to hurt from keeping it arched.

(Whatever. Sakura was still staring.)

“Do what?” Karin asked sweetly, sticking out her whole leg and then bending forward to unzip the back of her sandal.

“Move… this fast,” Sakura said, her eyes fixed on Karin’s leg, exactly like Karin wanted.

“Aw, am I an exception?” Karin asked.

“Sex is supposed to be good for stress relief,” Sakura said, watching intently as Karin pulled her second sandal off. “Do you mind? I don’t…”

Sakura hesitated, and Karin leaned back on her hands, tilted her face and caught Sakura’s eyes. Sakura fidgeted a bit, tugging at the blanket beneath her in her hands.

Aw, she’s shy!

Sakura had been…. Struggling today, Karin knew. Karin didn’t know Sakura that well, but she understood that the entire situation being completely out of Sakura's control was weighing on her. That was normal; shinobi in general felt safest when they had control over their environment, and as possibly the best medic alive, Sakura was probably very used to being in complete control of her teammate’s bodies not spontaneously growing hooves.

And, listen: Karin very much enjoyed stroking attractive people’s egos, building them up and praising them. If Sakura needed some sexual satisfaction to make her feel better, Karin was happy to oblige.

“Aw,” Karin cooed. “You feel bad about using me?” She rotated herself, getting on her hands and knees and crawling towards Sakura across the bed. “What if I want to be used?”

“Well,” Sakura answered, still looking unsure. “If you’re okay with it?”

Karin sat up on her knees, basically in Sakura’s lap now. Sakura hadn't leaned into her, but she also wasn’t backing off. Karin slipped her thumbs into the hem of her panties, pulling them away from her pelvic bone and fiddling with them. Sakura’s eyes predictably dropped dowards.

“Sakura,” Karin said in her best sexy voice. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want it.”

Sakura leaned forward, one hand going for Karin’s face and the other for her waist. Karin followed her hand’s guidance down into a kiss, reaching forward to balance herself on the bed’s frame.

It was… a weirdly hesitant kiss, all things considered. Sakura’s lips were dry and chapped, and she pressed them against Karin’s incredibly gently, like she was afraid of hurting or offending her. In other circumstances, Karin might have thought it was sweet.

As it were, Karin was fully prepared to guide Sakura through pinning Karin down and getting the best stress relief a girl could offer.

“Sa~ku~ra~” Karin whined, pulling back just a few inches. “I need more.”

Sakura looked vaguely doubtful.

Oh, come on, Karin thought. Outloud she said, “Please? Touch me. Hold me down. Pull my hair.” She pulled her glasses off and tossed them gently aside toward the vague direction of the bedside table. They were ninja-grade. They’d be fine. “I’m a tough girl. Do whatever you want to me.”

These were the types of lines that almost always worked on the men Karin had slept with, made them go all hot and wild. Sakura just looked thoughtful.

“I don’t want to pull your hair,” Sakura said after a beat.

You’re lucky you’re cute, Karin thought.

The prompting did open Sakura up a bit though, because she dug both her hands into Karin’s hair, gently pulling at her scalp.

“I like your hair,” Sakura said, scooting down on the bed and under Karin into a recline, forcing Karin to spread her legs apart and straddle her hips.

They made out like that for a while, and Karin played up making all sorts of encouraging noises. Sakura wasn’t really… the best kisser in the world, but Karin liked being this close to her, to having Sakura tentatively run her hands up and down her waist and back. She liked being this near Sakura’s byakugou seal, and she wondered vaguely if Sakura would find it weird if she licked it.

(No, that would definitely be a weird thing to do on their first time. Karin shouldn’t. But she wanted to.)

Eventually, Sakura leaned away and asked, “So what do you want… to do?”

She looked perplexed. Karin had never seen anyone react to making out like this in her life.

Karin opened her mouth to insist Sakura should just do whatever she wanted to Karin, that Karin was into being used like that and that this was about Sakura, but then she thought better of it. Sakura wanted something she could control, couldn’t she? That she could adapt to and solve?

“Hold me down,” Karin breathed, “and run your chakra over me. Please. It’s all I’ve been thinking about.”

Karin went to press her mouth into Sakura’s again, but Sakura obliged her first request and easily flipped the both of them over, pressing Karin into the bed by her shoulders.

“Oh…!” Karin cried, letting out possibly her first genuine moan of the night.

Encouraged, Sakura shifted her weight on her, looking pleased as Karin squirmed beneath her. Her hands held Karin’s shoulders firmly in place, but Karin arched her back again and wiggled her hips.

“Hm, chakra,” Sakura murmured, and then her hands lit up green.

Karin vaguely recognized Sakura’s technique as a diagnostic test, but it was almost completely undirected, just pure one hundred percent Sakura running over Karin’s skin, the same energy that Karin could feel swirling just inches away in Sakura’s byakugou seal. Karin felt her body go hot, and she let several slightly desperate moans out.

Sakura watched, fascinated, as Karin reacted her chakra. Karin let herself exaggerate her reactions– even if it was Sakura’s sexy chakra, it wasn’t like a diagnostic medical jutsu was hot, but Sakura was pretty and smart and funny and nice to Karin, and if she needed to feel like a sex goddess tonight, Karin would make that happen.

“You’re very chakra-sensitive, right?” Sakura asked, and then one hand let go of Karin’s shoulder and slowly worked its way down her torso, a trail of warm chakra going with it. She spread her fingers out over Karin’s bare stomach. “You like this?”

“Sa-ku-raaa,” Karin whined. She lifted her hips up as best she could with Sakura sitting on her. Sakura’s chakra reacted– pleased and warm and happy– and something tugged hot and heavy in the pit of Karin’s stomach. “Touch me lower.”

Karin fully expected to just get more of the diagnostic jutsu, but then Sakura said, “Oh, I know just the technique.”

Sakura lifted herself up onto her knees, removing the pressure holding Karin down and making her whine. She scooted back and pulled Karin’s panties down around her thighs. Karin fully expected Sakura’s fingers to be just as hesitant and too-gentle as her kisses, and she readied herself to pretend to be about twice as turned on as she actually was.

Instead, Sakura put two glowing fingers in Karin’s slit and did something that made Karin’s brain completely shut off.

She yelled, not even one of her cute fake yells, but an actual, wordless shout of surprise and pleasure. It was like Sakura had slipped all her chakra into every one of Karin’s nerves at once and lit them all up, and Karin thrust herself against Sakura’s hand, her toes curling in the best way.

Sakura smirked down at her, leaning forward and pinning Karin’s shoulder again to hold her still, pressing her fingers and chakra further into Karin, penetrating and saturating what felt like every nerve fiber in her being.

“I asked you,” Sakura said, “do you like this?”

“Hnng,” Karin answered, going limp under Sakura as her orgasm faded. Sakura pulled her chakra back, and Karin twitched with aftertremors of pleasure as it moved through her.

Well, alright. So Sakura had some Icha Icha level orgasm-no-jutsu. What had Karin expected from the world’s best medic?

It occurred to Karin, watching lazily and appreciatively as Sakura leaned back and pulled off her mesh undershirt, that it was very possible that Sakura’s masturbtion habits where better than any sex anyone else could give her. Why else would she have known how to… how to do that?

Oh god, what was Karin supposed to do for her?

Sakura rose to her knees and pulled off her shorts and own underwear next, and Karin started to sit up. Maybe she wasn’t a kunoichi seductress character with an impossible sex jutsu right out of a porno, but by the gods, she was going to try–!

“Oh no,” Sakura said, pushing her back down. “You're not done yet.”

“I’m not?” Karin repeated, and then suddenly became acutely aware of how she could definitely handle Sakura doing that again.

“No, not at all,” Sakura replied, settling herself right back down on top of Karin. Karin, still sensitive and throbbing, groaned and squirmed against her. “Here, I’ve always wanted to try this.”

“Try what– aah!”

Yes, this was definitely Sakura’s personal maturbation jutsu, because she could do it with her own vagina. Karin could sense the away Sakura’s chakra funneled from her belly downwards, transforming in perfect control into medical chakra and then pressing into Karin. Karin bucked against her, but Sakura squeezed her thighs around her with incredible strength and held her still.

“S-s-sakura,” Karin pleaded, and, oh no– that wasn’t even her sexy girl act–!

“Tell me what you want me to do,” Sakura said, pressing both hands against Karin’s upper arms and stopping even her upper body from thrashing. It was a command this time, not Sakura politely asking for directions.

Karin’s entire brain was dedicated to one thing and one thing only, and it was Sakura’s chakra pressing into her, building inside her and lighting up her entire core.

Some entirely nonsensical sounds came out of her mouth.

“Use your words,” Sakura said.

“Aah,” Karin replied, and Sakura stuck her fingers in her mouth.

That was… kind of weird, actually, but at this point Sakura could shove her entire fist down Karin’s throat and Karin would beg her to go deeper.

“Make me,” Karin finally got out, words garbled around Sakura fingers, “make me cum.”

“Oh?” Sakura said, shifting on top of Karin and– holy shit–! “You want to cum?”

Something went right at Karin’s core, something hard and strong and distinctly Sakura, threatening to snap all the threads keeping Karin tethered. Karin’s eyes rolled back in her head, but she wasn’t quite there.

“Be specific,” Sakura said.

“Nng,” was all Karin got out, and Sakura sat there patiently, holding Karin right on the edge and not even letting Karin rub her thighs together. There was no relief, just Sakura clouding every one of Karin’s senses.

After a few moments of Karin making desperate non-word noises around her fingers, Sakura pulled her fingers out of Karin’s mouth.

“Well, if you’re not going to tell me what you want,” Sakura said, right over Karin's sad, wordless plea.

“Make me cum hard,” Karin finally got out. In a beg that was only a little exaggerated she added, “Please, Sa-ku-ra?”

Sakura just smirked back at her, and then inserted her fingers– still wet with Karin’s saliva– into herself. Karin felt Sakura’s chakra shift, unrolling itself inside of Sakura, and Skura let out her own moan of pleasure. It sounded like the hottest sound on earth to Karin, and if it weren’t for Sakura's careful and absolute control over her nervous system, she would have come right then.

And then, even as she worked on herself, Sakura’s chakra shifted inside Karin, pressing harder than ever, shifting and pressing and shifting and pressing. Sakura’s grip on her loosened, and Karin thrust desperately against her. Sakura shifted, shoving her knee between Karin’s legs, and Karin rubbed herself as hard as she could against her upper thigh as Sakura drew out her organism to what felt like impossible lengths.

Karin finished before Sakura, who looked downright triumphant. As Karin flopped back in utter, satisfied exhaustion.

“Help me,” Sakura commanded, taking Karin’s hand and holding it up to Sakura’s own slit. Karin was so exhausted she wasn’t sure she could hold her own arm up without Sakura’s firm grip.

Karin could feel what Sakura’s own chakra was doing to her, and Sakura absolutely did not need help. But also she was hot as fuck, and Karin obediently pressed her fingers into Sakura.

Sakura let out the cutest little moan in the world and came around Karin’s fingers.

Karin’s arm collapsed the moment Sakura let go of it.

They stared at each other for a few moments. Karin felt like her body had turned to gel in the best way possible– comfortable and warm and oozing over the bed. Sakura’s face was pink and her hair mussed, and she sat there and watched Karin with a tiny smile on her face.

“Was it good?” Sakura asked tentatively, and that hesitation and lack of confidence was back.

Was… was she being serious? Karin had just experienced the most world-shaking orgasm of her life.

Unfortunately, as a direct result of said orgasm, Karin couldn’t seem to talk properly.

“Yes,” she managed.

“Oh good!” Sakura replied, and Karin felt the bed shift as Sakura hopped off. “That was really good for stress relief– I feel much better. Thanks, Karin.”

She retreated to the bathroom, and Karin let her eyes slide closed as she just felt Sakura’s chakra moving around. Sakura’s chakra did indeed feel calmer.

When Sakura came back to bed, now with her shorts and shirt back on in case she had to jump up and run off to do emergency surgery, she said, “Let me know if you ever want to do it again.”

“Hng,” Karin answered.