I look like a million bucks this sunny day. My hair fell pretty. And I look like the confident, intelligent engineer that I am. I know I please you like this. I did prepare this staff meeting to present my side work of the last month on where we realistically stand.
But one colleague ruined the feeling. Their work postponed this presentation week after week. Today, they had the audacity to give 'permission' for me to present. So I'm angry under the professional surface.
And I feel like a modern-day Cassandra, as my warnings are not fully heeded. My rerults are discussed, but their help, that I need to get the full image, is not given. And as a real mansplainer, their presentation starts with the really basic basics, directly after my part, and I find out that they have been working, alone, on the same thing.
I close my eyes and brush a wayward lock of hair behind my ear. I love my job, I really do. But some moments...
As the staff meeting moves on to things that are not of immediate interest, I let my eyes glide to the sea of birch trees outside. The flexible trees sway in the gust of wind, and the fresh spring leaves shimmer way nicer than any digital spiral ever can.
I let my anger fall away to the familiar feeling of trance. Not fully, not here. Trancing is just another skill, and I find the quiet within the trees.
As I listen, and sometimes chime in, on the discussions and presentations, I am hyperaware of the wind now. And that it would be so easy, way too easy, to sink, and drop, and be commanded to leave it all behind. To spend days in mindless hypnotized bliss for you. I fear how good that would feel. How much I want that, and don't want that at the same time. The wind sounds like a voice in my ear, telling me that the anger, the frustration, all of that can be in the past, as I can just kneel and submit, to you.
The wind dies down, and the leaves become quiet. I shake my head to clear it. I don't want that, not really, really not, and for sure not all the time. But it scares me that I even think of it.
I return to work after the meeting. No one knew what was in my head. Except you, now. I wonder what you make of it.
