The Girl with the Time Bomb Heart
look at my hands shaking because I don’t know where to place them.
look at my eyes darting to the walls and the ceilings, anywhere but you.
look at how my chest rises and falls so rapidly, because when I am around you I can never catch my breath.
look at my chapped lips and how they remain pressed together in a straight line because they don’t know what to say.
my lips don’t know what to say because my lips can’t keep up and translate what my brain is trying to comprehend.
my brain is thinking so fast because my anxiety has stressed about this moment, these very seconds ever since I longed for someone to just even hold my hand.
listen to my heart beat so fast as if my heart is a time bomb set to go off the minute you show me love.
listen to the way I stutter my words because the presence of you excites me.
but your mere existence does not just excite me. you awake this sleeping dragon named anxiety, making me stutter my words even more than usual.
I am a mess, run whilst you still can.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t make up my mind. just please, don’t go just yet. I’ve been searching for someone, anyone to hold me like the way you are my entire life.
just take your hands and reach out to hold me again. tell me you will catch me if I fall… no wait. Promise me you will catch me because I can’t walk on my own. I can’t survive out here in this cruel and miserable world.
little did I know that when you made that promise your pointer and middle finger had crossed behind your back.
so when your sweet recycled words and pickup lines had caused me to slip and fall in love with you, instead of falling into the safety of your arms I had landed on the stone cold ground.
and just like that, you disappeared.
one second you were there, the next I blinked, and the following second when I opened my eyes you had vanished into thin air.
I am remembering when I saw you reach for me the same way you would reach for another bottle.
I’m watching you watch the other girls whist at the same time holding my hand.
I’m remembering how I looked at you when you were supposed to be listening to me but instead I saw you holding your phone and smiling at it with same smile that was on your face when it was my name that was lighting up your home screen.
I’m looking back at the moments when you needed me so I dropped everything that i was doing because you needed me. you needed me to be there because it was convenient for you to have me so that you could reach for me with your fingers that held joints and wine glasses more times than you’ve ever held me.
I’m looking at you watching me when I was drowning in my thoughts as you held my life jacket in your hand but wouldn’t come close to the shore to throw it to me because you were too scared that the water would mess up your oh so perfect hair.
I’m watching myself finally realize that my time bomb heart that was set to go off when I was shown love realize that my time bomb is still ticking. it never went off because you never actually showed me any love.
I’m watching myself look at you and only you as you are looking at me slowly dying with no care in your eyes.
I’m watching you seeing me as a temporary fix for when your body, that relies on the drugs you love, is waiting for your dealer to bring you more.
I’m looking at you not even glancing my way.
I’m listening with my ear pressed against your chest to see if the drugs you love have stopped your heart in the five minutes I was gone to care for myself for the first time in a very very long time.
I’m remembering how I heard you speak of the bottle of wine and the girls who you shared it with because I wouldn’t share with you the bottle that is slowly killing you and this relationship.
I’m remembering how you spoke of her and her red wine stained lips with this enthusiasm laced in your voice that I have never heard you speak with before, but then you spoke of me later that night with your friends about how I am always in the way and your voice was just, so dry.
I’m listening to myself speak to you and hearing no response because what I have to say never seems to concern you.
I’m listening to myself produce this heart wrenching sob from between my lips in the shower because I cannot give to you what a joint, half naked skinny girls, and a bottle of wine can.
and I’m crying because I tried to settle because I thought I would never find someone who would love me and my flaws and now that I’ve left you I see the guy that I loved when we were friends but you never let me see him. So when we became lovers I forgot about him and my feelings towards him. But now I see him again. I see him holding someone else and I see him reaching for her and all of her flaws, not reaching for alcohol or drugs or his damn iPhone to fill the void that I could never fill for you.
I’m listening and watching everyone loving somebody whilst no one is listening, watching, or loving me.
so I finally learned to love myself and when I eventually took care of myself and showed myself love…my ticking time bomb went off.
gummygunk
annaxmalina
2087
blakekathryn
kaledo-art
