sit. stay. play dead. @missisdee-blog - Tumblr Blog

stupid little girl

i need you to be strong for me. as i've told you when we first met, i have baggage. i wasn't ready for a relationship then, but somehow we survived and we're here now. and i'm happy i have you. i want you in my future. i want you to remain in my present. i hope you feel the same. sometimes, i believe you. sometimes, i can't believe how far we've come and i still fear this isn't real. that's just me and that's when i need you to come through for me. because the one thing i know will never change about me is that when i love, i love with everything i have and all that i am. and i know i love you.

i know you love me too. i do feel it. just don't ever forget to let me hear it sometimes, even if it's stupid. after all, i'm still just a girl.

#girly #baggage

feeling loved

you do make me feel loved. i want u to know that. yes, you really are confusing sometimes, but that has never affected my feelings for you. and September reminded me that I had let my anxiety get the best of me... but each time you held my hand, or kissed me, or just pulled me closer, it reminded me that you really do feel the same way and that we are worth all this trouble. and it's not even trouble, really. it's just a temporary stretch of time that we’ll eventually look back on and try desperately to remember a few years down the line. because by then, we will have been together for so long we’ll have made a lot more memories...

just when my doubts creep up on me, you surprise me with something that i never expected you were actually thinking about. it must not be easy for you too. but we’ll get through this. we’ve come this far and we have so much more to look forward to.

thankful

i finally got the chance to be with you and i wish we had more time. but i am still thankful for that time and i can’t wait for the next. hopefully, it’ll be longer, if not for good. but whatever happens, whatever my doubts are, that time we were together, i still felt loved.

yes, i still have doubts. sorry to say they’re still there. even more so now that i’ve had that time with you. no, i do not doubt my feelings for you. on the contrary, i’ve never been more sure of how i feel. that said, because i love you so much, i want to make sure that i make you happy. i don’t want to be a part of your life if it somehow gives you grief, or causes you pain, or makes you sad. i want to be something good in your life. i want to make you happy. i want the thought of me to bring you joy. i want to be able to give you even a small smile when your day has been shitty. that’s how much i love you.

so, yes, i am still conflicted. because although i felt loved with every hug and every kiss and every moment you asked me to be near you when we were together, i am still not sure if i am enough for you. i don’t know for sure anymore. but i am willing to let it all go, if that’s what it takes to get you closer to your happiness.

this is just how i love. and i’ve said this before, you’re lucky because i would always give my all. but only so far as you wanting me with you and also feeling lucky to have me. if you can’t be happy with me, then there’s no point in me being around. that is why i always check with you. i always ask. it might annoy you, but honestly, things haven’t been the same with us online and so i have to check with you even if you call me stupid for asking. i won’t let my happiness for having you in my life blind me from how you might feel about me. and i certainly don’t want you staying with me just ‘cause you don’t have the guts to break my heart. so, just bear with me, my love. answer me truthfully, please.

all i want is for you to be happy. because no matter what happens, i will always choose your happiness. i love you.

i have you

I am still thankful. I am still happy. It’s been tough before, but the last few days have been good enough for now. And I am still grateful. Because in all this, I still have you. That's what matters. You matter to me. You sharing your life with me matters to me. More than the physical, which I already know from experience isn't everything. More than the hassles and intricacies of our individual lives and in trying to be together while apart. More than the heartbreaks and frustrations of stuff getting in the way of our plans. You matter to me.

I want you to know every day how much you mean to me. As much as I love you and want to assure you that I’ll always be here for you, we don’t know what will happen that might change things for us. But I am grateful for today, and every day that I have you to love. I am grateful, because I’ve never been happier, despite it all. I love you and I feel loved.

#Mr. D.

now i know

actually, i don’t know everything (anything at all, really) about what happened... but i’m just trying to be over it and move on. i don’t know if it’ll fester but i don’t want it to linger for far too long. i have wallowed in self pity for a short time, because why not? i have to feel things to get over it. but i wanna just be over it now. i’ll let you know how it works out.

what i do know is i love you. that’s one thing i am sure of at this very moment. nothing else is clearer to me right now. if i didn’t, i wouldn’t still be here. believe me, i thought about it. and i’m not ready to give up.

on that note, i have also realized that it’s time to live my life without counting on what happens to us. maybe it’s not fair, you won’t understand why i say this because you haven’t lived my life. i will live it the way i have to, so that i’ll still have the chance to enjoy more. see, i do want things. and i wanted the things you said we could have. i still want them. but now, i know that i have to stop counting on them and live my life as if it’s never gonna happen. i still hope for it to happen, but i can’t keep pretending that it’ll happen sometime soon.

we both know we’ll get there only if we actually try and do something about it. it’s not gonna change much, but at least we tried. but if we just keep talking about it, but end up actually not doing anything at all, nothing will change. we’ll stay where we are.

and i’ve tried. and really, it’s not even about none of it actually happening. it’s more about how lost i felt after each failure. it’s about how confused i got each time, and felt more alone each time plans did not push through. it’s the not knowing.

so now, i know that i will always give it my all. and that’s my choice. that although shit can happen, if it’s something i want, i will always do my best. but now, i also know that if i know how hard i’ve worked on and for something, and something/someone else causes it to not work out, i’ll be all right with just knowing that i did my best.

but i’m sorry to say i don’t know about you. i can’t keep thinking about how what i say makes you feel, because really, whatever you do because of something i say, that’s on you. if i tell you how i really feel and it makes you less motivated, then maybe you didn’t have the right motivation after all. i know i’m negative, but really, i’m always hopeful. i just always have to make sure i prepare myself for the fall. and if i don’t fall hard, then all the better. it doesn’t make me completely negative. i am always hopeful. i just gotta make sure that if no one else is there to catch me when i fall, i can handle it on my own.

because it has happened so many times before. and now i know i can take much more.

and you are still a positive thing in my life. i still love you. even more, actually, because i’m choosing to keep looking forward to our future together. you make me happy. i smile when i think back to the time we first met. my heart leaps every time i tell you i love you. so, i’ll still be here, babe. i’ll just be living more in my reality, while i await ours.

i hope you don’t take it the wrong way when i act a little less enthusiastic about some things, it’s not that i’m not excited. i am, more than you know. and i hope you really mean the things you say. and i hope this time, you’ll try harder.

#hope

stuck

i don’t know how to love you. i just know that i do.

tell me if you’re in or out. because i can’t make myself stop loving you. but i can make myself give you what makes you happy. even if that means me leaving you alone. but you have to tell me.

i miss you so much.

#limbo

brokenhearted

i don't know what's happening. i thought this would be it. now I am not sure about anything anymore. i am in pain now. i don't know what to do.

#darkness

once again

well, fuck. here we are once again. i fucking knew it. this is killing me. i still love you though.

overloaded

i feel too much right now, conflicting feelings, but at this very moment, all i really want to say is i love you so much.

it may seem like i just say it all the time so maybe it doesn’t mean so much to you anymore. it’s not like that to me at all. even when i’m hurting, when i say i love you, my heart always says it with me. as it comes out of my mouth, my heart feels like it’s gonna rip my chest open. and when i’m happy and feeling like i’m not alone in this, when i feel like you really actually do, it’s even more overwhelming and hard to not say. i always feel the same way every time i say the words. i wish that i can make you feel exactly what it’s like when i tell you, because it’s all true. and it’s a really good feeling. it’s like being high. it’s always like the first time i’ve felt love in my heart.

you know how you feel in your guts when you’re nervous and it feels like you’re gonna get sick and you feel it in your stomach? it’s like that, except that i feel it in my chest area, and it’s my heart that feels that way. there’s still the feeling of butterflies but most of the overwhelming feelings are concentrated near the heart.

so yeah. i love you. more than i could ever say. that is my truth right now.

that sucked

Maybe it is true. Maybe I’m right. You never said anything to counter what I said. Wasn’t it obvious I was fishing for some reassurance? I know there’s no guarantee, but if you wanted it, you would have said it. You didn’t say anything. I guess you have no plans. It would’ve made me feel better. But you keep pushing back.

That sucks. Guess maybe you really don’t want it anymore. I wish you said what I wanted to hear. But you didn’t. Because I guess you didn’t want to. I think it’s now just about the excitement of what we’re gonna do. I hate that I think this way, but you’re not helping. You’ve never mentioned any other plans again, or that you still wanted to do that other thing. Which tells me you don’t want it anymore. Maybe you’re moving on.

No, I think you have moved on and I’m just here for temporary fun. That’s how I’ll see this. That’s how I’ll continue to see this. It’s the last time we’ll see each other. And it’s the last time I’ll hear from you.

Because I don’t believe you’re willing to stick around long enough to get to our happy ever after. But since it’s too late because I already love you anyway, I will hold on long enough to see you in July.

And then it will be over. With or without HK in July, that will be that. Because I can’t do this alone. And you’re not giving me anything more to hold on to.

just be.

don’t just say it. show it. be deserving of my heart. it will remain yours anyway, but do try to take extra care of it. it takes a lot of beating because it’s easily affected by anything and everything but it is yours now. it has a life of its own and all i can do is follow it and protect it. but i cannot protect it from you because it has decided to be vulnerable to you. i can only hope you will be good to it. cherish it. keep it safe. be worthy of its affections. i imagine this would all be too easy if i already had your heart. but if you feel like i’m asking for too much, then simply say so and i will let you walk away.

backing up a bit

i need to pull back a little now. because you did it first. i gave it a try. and i gave it my all. i still feel the same, and it’ll really hurt so much. but i am scared and i need you to meet me halfway. but i’ll be all right if it’s not the same for you anymore. it’ll just suck but maybe that’s all it was. i want you to prove me wrong, but i don’t want to tell you. show me. don’t wait for me to ask.

don’t pretend there’s nothing wrong. i’m not the idiot i’m pretending to be. don’t treat me like one.

so be it. i wish for good things. happy things. i hope we’ll get through this. but i’m just preparing my heart anyway, because i deserve more.

i’ll be okay either way. it’ll just suck, but i’ll be okay.

#one way #step back #walls up

come see me

what scares me is that i’m back to where i started. i manage somehow. and i know that i am handling it better than i think i am. still, it messes with my head.

on the one hand i know i’ll come out of this better than ever, whatever happens, because i know better now. but on the other hand, i don’t want it to be another waste of time. yes, i do believe that whatever happens, it’s never just a waste of time, because it’ll be worth a try. but i really don’t wanna be oblivious to anything else that might be happening right under my nose. i’m pretty open to the truth, no matter what it might be. despite the fact that i am absolutely terrified of my own idiocy and naivete, i do accept some things just are. and some people just are. just like i just am. i still struggle with being optimistic, but i know how to pretend to be positive about things. i’m getting so good at it that even i fool myself sometimes, and i believe it - that is, until reality hits me right in the face.

i wonder if you actually see me. i wonder if you even saw me. i wonder if you’ll ever see me. and i mean the different ways that those could mean. i go back to asking whether you’re real, if this is real. but when you’re around, i feel so bad for feeling this way. i feel bad for doubting you. i hope that if/when you find out about my doubts, that you’ll try to see it from my point of view. and you’ll just understand. and that it’s not meant to make you feel bad about things that are beyond your control.

sometimes, i just want to tell you that i want you to do this or to do that. but i can’t bring myself to because i know why things aren’t happening and i know that you hate it as much as i do. but sometimes... i just want to say what i want without feeling guilty for saying out loud. i just can’t do it - and i’m actually glad for it. i am not that cruel. it would just make you feel bad, and i don’t ever want to do that.

but still... what i really wanna say sometimes is... just come see me. just do it. (even as i write this here knowing i won’t let you see this, i feel so guilty... i really suck at being demanding)

also... i really want you to tell me again. are you real? is this real? will it ever be the way we want it to be? and don’t tell me it’s stupid. i can ask it anytime i want to. all you have to do is answer.

forgive me, my love. i don’t mean to doubt. but i can’t help it. i hope you never see this. i don’t want you to feel inadequate or guilty and i don’t want to stress you out even more.

maybe just be there more? just like before?

i miss you. i love you more than i care to admit.

#missing you

struggles

i’ve always hated waiting. but it’s all i keep doing somehow. waiting to find out what happens next. waiting to see what will come of this. waiting for the best that’s yet to come. i know what it can be. i can see it. but it still doesn’t seem like it’s within reach right now. i’ve done all i can for the moment and there is nothing left to do but wait.

i know you’re struggling with this too. it doesn’t help that you don’t tell me much. i guess that’s how you’re dealing with it. but i’m getting weary of feeling alone in this. it hurts a lot, and i know i tell you this all the time that it might be wearing you out too, but i’m really struggling even more than i’ve let on.

i will keep trying. i’ll hold on and just get through one minute at a time. one hour at a time. one day at a time. because i love you too much to just let go of what we have that easily.

for now

this is where we are now. but it’s temporary. i will not let this bring me down.

all i really want to know is that i will see you again. that will make things just a little bit better. the next few days are going to be really tough, but i hope you know i’m holding on. i just have to get through this and i need to know that you still know how i feel. i know this is also hard for you, so please know i am here. if it helps, we don’t have to talk. but let’s be together in this.

i want to be able to make you feel nothing has changed. and i need you to stay with me so i can be reassured that this isn’t making you want to pull away and give up. and i know it will be hard to say anything at this time, i want to go through this with you.

this is just for now, baby. it will get better. and it will be better than ever. it hasn’t changed for me one bit.

#setbacks

confession

I sometimes wish you didn't know how much I love you now, because it still scares me to think that it'll make you lose interest. Or that it already has. But I have always been this way. Once I fall, I give my all. I wish I were a little more selfish. I wish I really could put myself first. I wish sometimes I could go "me, myself, I" first. But that's how I know it's real. It's when my true self comes out and all I really want to do is make sure I never fail to show my love. Because when I know I've made you happy, it makes me happy. So when I first met you and thought maybe finally I've met someone who would put me first and have it be effortless, I felt you were perfect for me. I felt I was perfect for you. I still think I would be perfect for you. At least I know I could be. But not when I'm like this. Not today. Today, I have doubts. Today, I don't trust anything. Today, I am scared. On a day like today, I usually push away. And today is not the only day I will be like this. I will have more weak moments like this, and it is not fair to you because you have done nothing wrong. It's because of the ones who came before you who have caused me to be wary when things seem too perfect. It is not fair to you. But this is the time I need you most. It is when I am this way that I need you to prove that I was right the first time. That you are perfect for me. It is the time when you will be strong because I am weak. You will push harder because I am pulling away. You will remind me that it's okay for me to feel this way because it won't change how you feel about me. You will not run away. You will stand firm. You will be my rock. And when I am done feeling this way, you will have me back. And I will have even more reason to love you with all of my heart and all that I am.

this again

feeling these feelings again. confused. anxious. scared. nervous. i wanna say you don’t have to do this. i wanna tell you it’ll be okay. but i want this so bad. i’ve decided to just be selfish, because i need this. it’s been kinda weird lately. no, nothing has changed for me. but i’ve been wondering about a lot of things lately and so i need this to happen. i’ll be pretty flexible with the details, but it has to happen. i don’t know if we’ll survive if it doesn’t. and i hate to admit but i don’t even know that that’s up to me. i really want to say we’ll be okay somehow. but i don’t even know that. even if i know how i feel right now, i have to be realistic. and i have to consider how it will be for you. i really want to find out what happens next, through all this, whether this happens or not. i want to tell you i’ll be here no matter what. but i have to be a little bit selfish now. because i’m trying to put me first now. and i think you understand that. this is something i want but need for you to really want too. it’s a bit extreme, i think. and i know it’s a bit much for you, though you may not want to admit it. but i really want this. and i really hope i know soon. figure it out tomorrow, please. i can’t take the suspense. this is something that’s totally up to you now. i know you said it’s a sure thing, but until then, no matter how much i want to believe it, i can’t. because it can still change. anything can happen. like before. and i am still scared. because i’ll still be scared even after i confirm it. i don’t want to show it. don’t wanna say it. i really don’t want to pretend with you. i want to tell you how i really feel about it. but i don’t want you to worry. or be pressured. not that i actually believe it’ll affect your decision because i don’t think it will anyway. but this is just one of the things that’ll tell me something. so yes, i want this so bad. and i do need this to happen. but ultimately, it’s up to you. because i also really want to tell you that you don’t have to do this if it’s just a little too much.

i’m confused. and scared. tomorrow, i’ll find out. like you said. i hope so. because i can’t keep holding my breath for this anymore. and i really don’t want to say anything.

i think we’ll be okay no matter what. but what do i know? if this doesn’t happen, that just might be you trying to tell me something. and i know sometimes i can be so dense. i wanna assure you that you don’t have to worry about me and us if this doesn’t happen, but even i don’t know if that’s true. fuck this shit. i really just want to know already.

#fear #anxiety

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