miss 'v'ha

science is cool & i laugh til my sides hurt //sideblog

[missvha]

idk who to tell but last night i learned thru random convo that the mother of a girl in my class is my old doctor

i didn't tell her but i was trying to be friendly and ask her about her family and things started connecting and i checked her facebook and yes in fact my old dr is this person's mother

and i'm so so uncomfortable with this knowledge

because that dr invalidated my feelings so many effing times - when i used to be on antidepressants (i stopped bc they made me feel worse), that dr would say things like "just be happy and the "depression" will go away like ma'am what???

when i said i was in pain, she would be like "just lose weight" (stupid af bc she would never adjust my thyroid meds) or "it'll go away with time" like jokes on fnkin her bc it's been over three years and i still have chronic pain and regularly have to go to physical therapy and chiro

i couldn't breathe thru my nose+had recurring tonsillitis&tonsil stones (i had very enlarged tonsils with lots of crypts) and she fully ignored me saying it would be fine and i went to a specialist who immediately was like "yeah you gotta get your nose fixed and tonsils out asap, when is the earliest you can come in for surgery"

i switched doctors because going to her gave me so much anxiety and i would reschedule over and over to avoid her

but now i'm anxious bc i thought i got away from her/would never see her again but her cHILD is in my class and we will be in every class together for the next 3.5 years and we're both in our grad school's student gov team and we'll have events with family members and what if i have to see her and what if she doesn't respect hipaa like i'm so fnking anxious about this i could not sleep and i can't stop stressing over this

[missvha]

i’m really sad

[elliejoys]

“My name is Sulli. Sul means snow and Li means a pear flowers, so I’ll be probably reborn as a flower that is small but full of strong vitality” - Rest in Peace Sulli (1994-2019)

[missvha]

i don’t know what i’m doing any more

i seem to enjoy letting myself break

rip me and my lack of self care

[missvha]

i’m starting to ignore messages again,

i don’t wanna interact with people

and i know i’m falling again but i don’t care?

i need sleep tbh

[missvha]

i really be out here catchin feelings for impossibles smh

a fool

[missvha]

having a 10hr time difference with your bestest friend is really hard

[missvha]

my little brother-like cousin

has to get surgery

i have to be the adult

and pretend like i’m not scared to death

at the thought of his entire back

being sliced open

i have to push aside

my guilt that i won’t be by his side

while he again is bedridden

i have to tell him it’ll be fine

and act natural

because if i show any fear

i know he’ll struggle harder

[missvha]

my dumbass caught feelings a while back and can’t let it go fully yet smh

[missvha]

i love when the phrases i say

fall off your tongue

and i like seeing parts of myself

in you as we continue to grow

because that’s when i feel

like a friendship is best

[missvha]

one of my cousins writes poetry on his phone

he would let me read it and ask for my opinions

we would spend time together doing that

once we were on a long drive

i was leaning my head on a pillow half asleep while he wrote

and reading along with this thoughts

our other cousin tried reading his words and my cousin tilted the screen so it was just facing me

later i learned, i’m the only one he’s trusted with his poetry

i cried because it made me feel so trusted, so special

i miss everything about this little cousin of mine

[missvha]

at least three times a day

i get quiet and sad again

i miss my extended family

the joy and laughter

the love they give me

i forgot it existed

but now that i’ve had this dose

i can’t help but want more

so i sit and stare at the wall

waiting to be remembered

to be loved the same way again

because i had truly forgotten

what happiness felt like

[missvha]

i find myself thinking more

about the could have beens

and all the what it would be likes

because imagine how different

life would have been

had that one moment changed

who would we be

i can’t stop thinking about it

and it’s killing me inside

because it could have been better than this

[missvha]

please accept that i don’t want to speak

i just really really want to sleep

[somepiecesofmyheartandsoul-deac]

“Some days, I feel like I am rolling on cloud nine, like I am on top of the world when no one else is around. Other days, I feel like ripping my face off, to remove every skin I have on me. Some days, the world feels a little light as my heart beats faster than the wings of a hummingbird. Other days, I just wish to lock myself away, to disappear into thin air. Most of the days, I feel like this world has no place for me. I wish I had not been born.”

— Lukas W. // Anxious (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

[wolgfang-deactivated20191125]

ravioli ravioli give me emotional stabilitioli

[missvha]

i lie again

so easily

when i say

i don’t care

for affection

for attention

when in reality

i crave it