Pint4Punt🍻🏈

Irreverent and occasionally offensive sports takes from consummate unprofessionals

[pint4punt]

The Statement Bowl

Super Bowl 60 is the chaser we all needed after far too many Kansas City appearances with the long awaited rematch between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots after the conclusion of the last one nearly shattered the sound barrier. Yet as epic as the history between these teams is, the here and now is a story of redemption across both sidelines with the future led by a youth movement reigniting a rivalry that deserved a sequel.

Both these teams seemingly made every right move in the months leading to this moment as 2nd Year Head Coach Mike Macdonald and Mike Vrabel in his first season with the Patriots have brought their franchises all the way back after missing the playoffs in 2024. Seattle resurrected the 12s from the dead and the Patriots…..well fuck they didn’t stay dead for long did they? Here’s what’s at stake as two of the best stories in Football collide.

Sam Darnold Staring Down His Ghosts

After being taken 3rd overall in the 2018 Draft, Sam Darnold was largely viewed as a bust as he traversed 5 teams throughout his young career. And for good reason, the highlights of his time with the Jets included a hot mic moment heard round the world and contracting the most adorable STD in existence.

Even heading into the postseason, many people (us especially) were positive he would be Seattle’s downfall. Yet when Matthew MVP Stafford came into his house and threw for 374-3-0 with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line, the only thing Darnold was seeing was windows, as he responded with 346-3-0 of his own en route to a 31-27 victory. It’s been nearly 7 years since Darnold experienced paranormal activity against the Pats and now New England is all that stands between him and Super Bowl glory. But this time, he ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

Stefon Diggs Finally Making it to the Dance

After playing in 3 conference championships for as many teams and across both conferences, Stefon Diggs is finally making his Super Bowl debut coming off an ACL injury with the least experienced QB he’s ever had. It was easy to write off the 32 year old receiver joining a 4-13 team after his season ending injury.

It was also easy for Patriots fans to feel like they settled for the free agent after failing to acquire Brandon Aiyuk a year earlier. But Diggs didn’t turn Bodak Yellow staring into the abyss of his career. Instead he delivered his 7th 1,000 yard season as he helped New England regain their status as a perennial contender in the NFL. A win on Sunday would ink his greatness not only in the history books, but maybe even Canton.

Both Mikes Breaking Through the Conference Game

Vrabel and Macdonald have both lived on the edge for years, but never experienced the glory of finishing their season in the sport’s biggest game. Macdonald has been attached at the hips of Harbaughs his whole career, mostly serving as an assistant coach for the Ravens sans one dominant season in College with Michigan where he orchestrated a top 10 Defense in the nation. That season ended with a playoff loss to eventual National Champion Georgia and his Ravens tenure was comprised of disappointing playoff exits with one Conference Championship appearance.

Vrabel on the other hand, has been to the promise land as a player with the team that he now hopes to lead to a 7th Lombardi. He damn near aborted the Chiefs’ evil empire before the dynasty was born, holding a 10 point lead in the early goings of the 2019 AFC Championship. But Mahomes did Mahomes thing and prevented the now Patriots’ Head Coach from entering the Super Bowl arena as a coach. Now after years of being agonizingly close to reaching the top of the mountain, one of these men will experience the greatest glory in all of sports, while the other will experience the bluest of balls and the mediocrity of silver.

Cooper Kupp’s Hall of Fame Cementation

Few players in NFL history have tasted the type of revenge Cooper Kupp just enjoyed against his former team. After refusing to negotiate with the former Super Bowl MVP before hanging a ‘For Sale’ sign around his neck last offseason, the Rams reportedly urged him to retire. Kupp further alleges that his old team went out of their way to warn other clubs about giving him anything more than the veteran minimum.

Risky decision? Enter the Seattle Seahawks who both signed Marshawn Lynch and refused to give the ball to Marshawn Lynch with a title on the 1-yard line. Seattle didn’t hesitate to give Kupp a 3 year $45 million deal to add a proven veteran to their receiver room after shipping D.K. Metcalf to the Steelers for far more draft capital and money than he was worth. Pivoting from Metcalf to an aging Kupp, was a ballsy move. But as is the theme with these teams in the 2025 season, the gamble paid off. Metcalf had his guaranteed money voided after punching a fan with his team still hunting for a playoff spot and Cooper Kupp has a chance to flip the bird with the Birds to all his doubters this Sunday. If things go his way, that finger will feature an emerald ring that will make the Rams green with envy.

Robert Kraft Proving Why He’s The Greatest Owner in All of the NFL

Unlike the Hall of Fame voters, we didn’t stutter. Let’s look at Kraft’s resume. Buys the team in 1994 for less money than the Browns guaranteed their rapist Quarterback who has yet to play meaningful football in three years with the franchise. He TRADES three picks (including a first) to the division rival Jets for Bill Belichick after Bill resigned the day after being introduced as Parcells’ successor. He empowered said Coach to move on from the Quarterback they gave a then record 10-year contract to for their 6th round pick. That combo leads arguably the greatest dynasty we’ve ever seen. Kraft enjoys 6 Super Bowl Rings and a hilariously affordable (and public) happy ending in that time. Then Mike Vrabel, one of Kraft’s former players, ENDS that dynasty after nearly two decades. Kraft endures a few shitty seasons and then hires THAT man to take over his flailing team. Immediately goes back to the Super Bowl. Jets fans have to be on suicide watch after not even making the playoffs with Aaron Rodgers before the Pats made it back to the game’s biggest stage.

Of all the Owners lucky enough to experience a dynasty, none have bounced back so incredibly after losing a historic Quarterback and Head Coach pairing as quickly as Robert Kraft. And while we all enjoyed watching them crater to mediocrity for a few years, in the blink of an eye New England has gone from laughingstock to frighteningly close to a franchise best 7th Lombardi with a 2nd year QB and Head Coach in his first year with the team.

The Final Statement of 2025

Both sidelines in this matchup feature names starving for ultimate football glory for various reasons. But regardless of the outcome, we can only hope for a few key things. A great game, the rebirth of an old rivalry, quality commercials, and to not die of alcohol poisoning (depending on your rooting interest). And for Tom Brady and the 30 other fanbases without a dog in the fight today, well, the draft is only 75 days away.

[pint4punt]

AFC Best?

Four Reasons the AFC West will be Fantastic this Year

Years ago we hyped up this division to no end. And for good reason! The Chargers boasted a star studded roster led by Justin Herbert. The Raiders reunited college teammates Derek Carr and Davante Adams. The Chiefs refused to miss the AFC Championship year in and year out (that has to come to an end at some point….right???). And let’s be honest, Russell Wilson may be a meme now, but once upon a time he was well on his way to the Hall of Fame with no blemishes on his record. Admittedly we made a few….miscalculations.

While we never saw the Gruden scandal coming, Carr underperforming was far more predictable. Frankly, we underestimated what a colossal fuck up Brandon Staley was as a head coach. Firing their Offensive Coordinator was certainly a bold move after giving up a three possession lead in the second half of the Wild Card round. As for Russell Wilson as a Bronco…….fuck you we were all hyped about that!

All of that being said, sometimes when you take a bad beat you walk away from the table with your tail between your legs. And other times, you sack up and double down. Today we opt for the latter! We’re hoping today’s sequel ages more like The Dark Knight and less like Joker: Folie à Deux. The fact of the matter is today’s AFC West has Pro Bowlers coming out of its ears and quite possibly the most impressive lineup of Head Coaches in NFL history. Today we lay out 3 reasons highlighting why the AFC West is finally the best division in football and not just Patrick Mahomes’ doormat. Let’s start with a look at the most exciting new additions.

Reason No. 1: Noteworthy Newcomers

Pete Carroll (HC)

Najee Harris (RB)

Dre Greenlaw (LB)

Ashton Jeanty (RB)

Talanoa Hufanga (S)

Geno Smith (QB)

Raheem Mostert (RB)

Jahdae Barron (CB)

Devin White (LB)

Josh Simmons (OT)

The Offseason brought plenty of familiar faces into the AFC West mix. And for good reason. It’s been nearly 10 years since a team other than the Chiefs has claimed the division crown. Andy Reid was enough of a problem without Patrick Mahomes and is damn near impossible to beat with him. So it wasn’t surprising to see talent flock to this division with proud franchises such as the Broncos and Raiders…plus the Chargers have a neat stadium!

The real question lies in which newcomer makes the biggest impact in the West this season. Our immediate reaction was Dre Greenlaw based on how much he wrecked the now division-rival Chiefs in Super Bowl 58 before what can only be described as a laughably bad-timed injury. There’s also a specimen such as Offensive Tackle Josh Simmons who (God-willing with good health) should immediately help address the biggest weakness of an otherwise dynastic team. But then we looked at the Raiders’ 32nd ranked rushing yards per game (a putrid 79.8 yards) and remembered why they drafted Ashton Jeanty sixth overall. Just don’t get cute and pass from the 1 yard line to decide any games Pete.

Reason No. 2:

Pete Carroll vs Jim Harbaugh is back!!!

In case you’re new to football or simply forgot one of the greatest rivalries of yesteryear (and all time), it’s worth highlighting the reignition of divisional rivalry between two of the most competitive, energetic, borderline psychotic coaches we’ve ever seen who, particularly, despise each other as much as losing. Sure it’s been a while since they’ve crossed paths and they’ll say all the niceties in press conferences (just look at the one in the clip below). But make no mistake, these two want to lose to one another about as badly as Zelensky wants Putin over for tea. And if you think Pete Carroll only took this job because it was his only option well……maybe, but we’d bet irresponsible amounts of money that the opportunity to go against Harbaugh twice a year was definitely brought up as a selling point.

Based on where these franchises are in the implementation of their current programs, it’s hard to imagine Harbaugh not having the advantage at least in the early goings. Justin Herbert is the embodiment of what most Coaches would create in a lab given the option. Jesse Mintern is back with a year of continuity for a Defense that ranked Top 10 in rushing and passing EPA (9th & 5th respectively). There’s also the two-time First Team All-ACC and two-time All-American Running Back they drafted 22nd overall in Omarion Hampton. As if that weren’t enough, Herbert actually has downfield targets not named Ladd McConkey with the return of franchise favorite Keenan Allen and the arrival of rookie pass catcher Tre Harris.

And yet, teams tend to adopt the identity of their coaches and Pete Carroll’s teams have never been ones to roll over and die even when they’re outgunned (look no further than Carroll’s Seahawks nearly erasing a four possession deficit against the eventual NFC Champion Panthers in 2015 or pulling off a shocking overtime win against Aaron Rodgers’ Packers in 2014 after trailing 19-7 in the fourth quarter) Games may have gotten away from Seattle at times, but Seahawks games under Pete were nothing if not entertaining, regardless of how the odds were stacked against them. And while this was one of the more depleted rosters in football last year, Carroll is far from unarmed. Maxx Crosby is (at least) a Top 5 Pass Rusher in the NFL, Jeanty should hit the ground running (no pun intended? You be the judge), and Geno Smith resurrected his career under Carroll. Harbaugh’s squad is better on paper, but this Raiders team looks scrappy and games aren’t played on paper.

Reason No. 3:

Sean Payton Has a Quality Quarterback Once Again

Say what you will about Sean Payton, that man has incredible ambition. Seriously he’ll kill a guy if he has to. Look no further than 2012 when he…look the point is Sean Payton finally has a QB again and that should scare every team in the league. The last time Payton had a viable starter he went 152-89 for a 63% winning percentage, won 7 division titles, made 3 conference championships, and won a Super Bowl.

Now with a young gunslinger in his ranks, Payton has a bounty out on this entire division. Granted the kid has one season as a starter under his belt. But damn was it an encouraging rookie season. The kid started a little slow (back to back losses with a sub 60 QBR including a pair of sacks AND picks per game). But holy hell did he rally and figure it out! It all started against Tampa when he had his first win and posted a QBR over 80. Nix then racked up three straight wins, before really started feeling himself against Carolina (who didn’t to be fair) and went absolutely nuclear against Atlanta (145 passer rating, 4 touchdowns, & Zero interceptions). If you still doubt the young signal caller. It’s worth noting he had a 12-4 TD/INT ratio and ONE sub-100 QB post bye (yes we’re aware he faced the Chiefs’ backup, but the kid was also a Rookie). Whether or not Payton reaches the same heights with Nix as he did with Brees, he’s already demonstrated plenty of reason for the rest of the league to fear him (you know ethically too that is).

Reason No. 4: Chiefs No Longer the Division Bullies?

Until proven otherwise, the AFC West belongs to Kansas City. The Chiefs haven’t conceded this division since Peyton Manning retired and now Patrick Mahomes is pissed off following the worst (and funniest) Super Bowl we’ve seen since Bill Belichick pantsed Sean McVay on national television. That withstanding, every team in this division took significant steps towards overthrowing the kingdom in the last calendar year. The Raiders appear primed to at least field adequate passing and rushing attacks this year while still boasting one of the most ferocious Defensive Players in the league, Jim Harbaugh’s Chargers are set up to win in the trenches, run the piss out of the ball, & feature a more dynamic passing attack this year, while Sean Payton’s Broncos may not give up 10 points all season after doubling down on last year’s top-ranked defense with the additions of Greenlaw, Talanoa Hufanga, and first-round cornerback Jahdae Barron. Even if Kansas City wins the division again this year, it will be much bloodier than anything Tom Brady ever faced in the AFC East.

But like the other tenants of the West, the Chiefs didn’t sit Pat(rick Mahomes, sorry sorry sorry that was awful, we’ll try to get around to taking this out in editing) and made in-house improvements of their own. They clearly learned the biggest lesson from their failed ‘threepeat’ with investments in the O-Line such as the aforementioned 1st Round Pick Josh Simmons, Free Agent Signing Jaylon Moore, and UDFA Tackles Esa Pole and Dalton Cooper. But they didn’t stop at the Offensive Line when trying to address their struggles on the biggest stage last year. They’re undoubtedly counting on the return of Rashee Rice and Rookies such as explosive backfield threat Brashard Smith and Wide Receiver Jalen Royals to open up more options for an Offense that ranked outside the top 10 in Points Per Game (12th) despite having the greatest Quarterback in Football.

Still, despite concerted efforts to address glaring issues in a team that has largely been considered the class of the NFL for most of the last decade, the chinks in the armor have surfaced and the rest of the division may finally be catching up. The Chiefs (quietly) won all of their division games (with the starters) by one possession last season and will face much stiffer competition this season. The Raiders haven’t played a snap under Pete Carroll and already have more stability than they’ve had since ‘The Jon Gruden Experience’ was cancelled, the Broncos might have a threshing machine in the works if Bo Nix can avoid the Sophomore Slump, and Jim Harbaugh made the Super Bowl in his second season during his last stint as an NFL Head Coach. As foolish a proposition as it is to bet against Mahomes, it’s incredibly difficult to look at the talent pool that is the AFC West and not think the Chiefs might have peaked.

As exciting as the on-field matchups will undoubtedly be, the chess matchups between four of the most competitive coaches the NFL has ever witnessed will be unforgettable. Needless to say, the most important takeaway here is that when AFC West matchups are broadcast this fall, you plant your fucking ass and enjoy while we get to experience this unprecedented conglomerate of coaching excellence.

[pint4punt]

Red Hot Rivalry Takes

As we cross the halfway point of the 2024 season, the NFL is already leaning on rivalries to hold the attention span of the TikTok generation. But dammit if it doesn’t make for great bar conversations! We thought it would be fun to document said bar conversations and share some of the stupid ass takes we heard whilst drinking our sorrows away this week. Here’s our four favorites along with our staff’s take on how much plausibility any of these takes actually have (if any).

49ers vs Seahawks

“Seahawks will target Deebo in free agency.”

This one definitely has legs given a report dropped by Adam Schefter this weekend highlighting a failed trade that would have dramatically shifted the landscape of the NFC West. According to Schefter, Seattle had a trade in place with the Raiders to move up to pick 35 with the goal of drafting Deebo there and grabbing Metcalf later in the round. Had this worked, Russ’s kitchen might have been the hottest spot in the league. But instead, the Raiders sent the pick to Jacksonville and the division rival Niners grabbed Deebo with the very next pick. However five years and one lucrative contract extension later, Deebo could be looking for a new home as the 49ers’ roster has gotten incredibly expensive and Brock Purdy is about to get the greatest pay raise in sports history. If the Niners really do let Deebo walk, Seattle would be foolish not to throw a small fortune at him to make this dream a reality.

Steelers vs Ravens

“It’s time to let Russ cook”

I mean small sample size, but this fucker looks back and even Kenny Pickett was undefeated against Lamar. As much of a powerhouse as Baltimore is, their greatest weakness complements what Russ does best and the Steelers finally landed their long coveted number two receiver in Mike Williams. With a stout run defense and an offense on the other side that will light up the scoreboard, the Steelers will almost certainly have to go after Baltimore’s shockingly bad secondary to win this game. So yes, it is definitely time for Russ to thrown on the apron and whip up something special for the Ravens. But be careful, it’s spicy!

Chiefs vs Bills

“The Chiefs are the team of destiny that will match the feat of the 1972 Dolphins.”

The Chiefs certainly haven’t looked the part of an undefeated team halfway through the season, but they just keep winning no matter how ugly it is. Denver had them by the balls last week and they miraculously blocked what would have been a game winning field goal to save the game. But given what they’ve already survived and how they tend to play this time of year, it’s not as crazy as it sounds. After today, their remaining schedule includes matchups with the Panthers, Raiders, Chargers, Browns, Texans, Steelers, and a road trip to Denver for a rematch with the Broncos. Stroud and Herbert might give them a run for their money, but there’s not much else to feel good about ending Kansas City’s winning streak if the depleted Bills don’t take care of business today.

Packers vs Bears

“The Bears would have broken Patrick Mahomes.”

How do you argue otherwise? The Bears have been stuck in the same stupid ass cycle for their past three Quarterbacks. Wait too long to fire a bad coach, draft a young QB to fix their broken offense, fire the coach after a disappointing rookie debut, make the QB learn a new system in year 2 until you give up on them and draft their replacement. Rinse and repeat. As great as Mahomes has been as a starter, he still needed a year to sit behind Alex Smith and John Fox was never the offensive genius that Andy Reid continues to be. As “sure fire” as Caleb Williams was as a draft prospect and a sexy as this receiving corps looks on paper, this team can’t overcome Eberflus’ coaching and Aaron Rodgers transferred ownership of the Bears to Jordan Love.

[pint4punt]

Davante Finally Answered the Jets’ Bat Signal

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: the New York Jets (much like Gotham City) have been in complete disarray to start the year. Shocking? Not at all. But it’s the manner in which the chaos is unfolding this year that has been so utterly delightful. Hell the only thing more chaotic than this team might be the rollout of Joker: Folie à Deux. Two weeks ago they fired their Head Coach who was one game below .500 and coming off a spirited performance against one of the two remaining undefeated teams this season. As if that wasn’t enough, they had security escort him out of the building like he was an inmate of Arkham Asylum hell bent on burning the place down or….stealing office supplies.

This week, however, Woody Johnson showed how two-faced he can be by trading for All-Pro Wide Receiver Davante Adams and appeasing every football fan alive in the process. Now reunited with the Quarterback he set the league on fire with in Green Bay, the dynamic duo are ready to set things right for Jets’ fandom after years of decay and darkness. Davante could not have made the climb out of Allegiant Stadium to answer the bat signal at a better time after last week’s incredibly frustrating loss to the arch-nemesis Bills on Monday Night Football. For the first time in over a decade, the Jets have legitimate reason for hope. Yet for some reason, firing their Defensive-minded Head Coach didn’t fix their offensive woes. Who could have guessed? Rodgers had a strong outing and penalties certainly didn’t help, but it was clear their offense was missing a few tools in the old utility belt.

Regardless of what anyone thinks of the Jets as a franchise (yes, many reprehensible adjectives come to mind shockingly quick), it is impossible not to be excited about this move. Rodgers and Davante Adams are one of the best duos never to win a Super Bowl together and Garrett Wilson might be the best Wide Receiver two the league. Wilson, who has been good in his own right, was clearly more of a Robin and needed a Batman to step in the lineup and mentor him. Maybe he had already caught a glance of the bat signal when he changed his number this offseason. With one of the best defenses in the league now reinforced with pass rusher Haason Reddick (who finally ended his ridiculous holdout) and a suddenly loaded offense, the Batmobile is finally up and running and they might still have time to instill fear in all the wrongdoers of the AFC.

However before they earn that level of intimidation in the league, they’re going to be tested immediately in another Prime Time game this week. Rodgers, Davante, & Co. will have to board the bat plane to fly into Acrisure Stadium on a short week to take on the dastardly Steelers and their 8th ranked defense starring Bane in a 90 jersey and the ever cringey Mr. UNLIMITED making his 2024 debut.

At 2-4 the Jets are going to have to quickly gel as an offense. But if this team can start clicking before it’s too late, they might just run the table.

[pint4punt]

Revenge of the Jipped:

Five Must Watch Revenge Games in Week 4

There’s nothing quite like a revenge narrative to add a little spice to an NFL game. In a league this competitive, there’s bound to be a lot of shuffling around. With teams at the mercy of ticket sales from impatient and irrational fanbases, they can’t always wait for young players to develop or struggling coaches to figure it out.

Sometimes they’re right to pull the trigger, sometimes they’re a little too aggressive (cough David Tepper), and sometimes they wait entirely too long to make the most obvious change in the world (looking right at you Jerry Jones). Regardless of who’s right, revenge games inevitably pop up from time to time much to the delight of the viewers. Today however, we are gifted with not one, not two, but FIVE Revenge Games. So let’s skip the high road and embrace the petty as we look at who gets a crack at the team that did them dirty!

Aaron Jones vs Packers

Aaron Jones never managed to board the Jets, but wound up in the same destination as Packers’ Hall or Famer Brett Favre, opting to give Green Bay the finger by joining their division rivals for a bigger payday. And through two weeks, Jones is a top 10 rusher who looks like he hasn’t lost a single step since the Packers nearly upset the reigning NFC Champions last year.

Now he gets his chance to prove that the Packers were fools for letting him walk. And he’s not shying away from the opportunity, openly stating that he is “definitely leaping” if he scores in his first return to Lambeau Field. To the Packers’ credit, the guy they left him for is currently four spots ahead of Jones amongst rushing leaders and has shown an ability to take loads Jones simply couldn’t….that sounded better in our heads. Jizz jokes aside, we can’t wait to see which of these RBs looks like the better signing after tomorrow and if Jones can one-up the guy who replaced him.

Zach Wilson vs Jets

Ok this one is a long shot, but if the Jets’ front 7 goes on a killing spree through the Broncos’ depth chart, they’ll eventually come across Zach Wilson. Though this revenge narrative may better suit the Jets and their fans at Metlife on Sunday, now that they’re seeing what their team looks like with competent Quarterback play.

Aaron Rodgers also gets his first chance to avenge his old pal Nathaniel Hackett for the comments Broncos’ Head Coach Sean Payton made about Hackett’s…..accomplishments in Denver. With fragile egos on both sidelines, expect this one to be chippy even if it’s not competitive.

Cliff Kingsbury vs Arizona

Look Cliff Kingsbury deserved to be fired in Arizona without question. But that by no means negates what he is doing for Rookie sensation Jayden Daniels through two weeks. No matter how talented a prospect is, 91% completion percentages don’t just fall out of the sky and Kingsbury has done plenty to set up his young signal caller with the best options available in the pass game (48 of Daniels’ completions have been less than 9 yards) While it’s still extremely early in Daniels’ career, he just outdueled Joe Burrow on the road in Prime Time and is already looking like a generational prospect.

Kingsbury gets his first chance to burn the team that dumped him, but he’ll have to go through his original crush in Kyler Murray to do it. Making matters juicier, is the fact that Kingsbury will be directly competing against the guy who replaced him, matching his Offensive wits with the Defensive prowess of Jonathan Gannon. With a pair of dynamic QBs running all over the field and plenty of pent up frustration, this one is must watch on the Sunday slate.

Eagles vs Bucs

This one is more of a playoff revenge narrative, but the point is one of these teams is super pissed at the other. The Philadelphia Eagles went from NFL Darling to NFL Laughingstock faster than P Diddy launched himself into the Epstein conversation of wildest sex scandal of all time. The Eagles were 10-1 heading into a critical NFC Championship rematch where they got, well the P Diddy treatment, from the 49ers (who themselves came in looking to avenge the 2022 NFC Championship). From that point forward, the book was out on how to beat the Eagles as they only mustered one more win the rest of the year (a one possession win against the lowly Giants).

Everyone saw the Bucs absolutely pantsing them in the Wild Card Round from a mile away, while Sirianni keeping his job in that aftermath was far more surprising. Now, armed with Saquon Barkley (and basically nobody else), Philly gets another chance to line that shit up and prove it again.

Andy Dalton vs Bengals

It all comes down to best narrative of this entire week. An inter-conference battle of the some of the baddest pussies the league has to offer as the Red Rifle leads his suddenly resurgent Panthers into battle against his old team and the guy who replaced him. Andy Dalton went on an absolute tear after replacing Bryce Young last weekend against the Raiders going 26 of 37 for 3 touchdowns and 0 interceptions for an offense that had only put up 13 points on the year.

But as hard as it may be for him to accept, the Bengals we’re right to move on from him. At 36 years old, Dalton still has not popped his postseason cherry, holding a record of 0-4 in the playoffs. Joe Burrow, on the other hand, had the Bengals within 3 points of a Lombardi trophy. But that doesn’t mean Dalton can’t go into Sunday’s matchup with a chip on his shoulder looking to send his former team to 0-4 and essentially doom their 2024 campaign.

[pint4punt]

What the actual F$*% was Week 2?

With teams reaching Dick Cheney levels of conservative when it comes to playing their starters in the preseason, it only makes sense to take the first month of the season with a grain of salt as teams learn to gel together and assimilate to regular season speed. That being said, Week 2 gave us the most laughably batshit crazy outcomes imaginable and turned the league completely upside down. Our staff vigorously questioned what was in that newest strain we paired with the Sunday action as the results unfolded.

Yet through sober eyes now that the smoke has cleared, we can confirm each of the following stories is true. Two weeks in, Sam Darnold and Baker Mayfield are the front runners for MVP, the Saints are a threshing machine, and Justin Fields is 2-0. Warning the following content may disturb some readers.

Rams vs Cardinals

Coming into Sunday’s matchup, Sean McVay owned the Cardinals with an all-time record of 13-2 against Arizona. And between a bitterly disappointing rookie debut from Marvin Harrison Jr., a nonexistent Cardinals’ pass rush in Week 1, and the Rams taking the Lions to overtime in Detroit the week before, there was plenty of reason to believe that trend would continue. Then MHJ reminded us all why he was the top receiver taken in this draft, exploding for 130 yards and two touchdowns on only four receptions.

But it wasn’t just the Offense, with its 489 total yards of production, that put on an absolute clinic against LA. The Cardinals’ defense held the Rams to less than 300 total yards, while their anemic Pass Rush that recently failed to make Josh Allen so much as look over his shoulder, managed to sack Stafford five times. To make matters worse, one of the trendiest picks to take the NFC this year is now without Cooper Kupp, Puka Nacua, and basically their entire Offensive Line after two weeks. They now find themselves sitting at 0-2 for the first time in Sean McVay’s career as a Head Coach, right before facing the next team that was on the wrong side of a baffling outcome.

49ers vs Vikings

The student may very quickly have become the master as Sam Darnold (yes that Sam Darnold) outdueled the Quarterback he sat behind last year with his new team. While it’s impossible to discount the impact that Christian McCaffrey makes for this team, the Niners are still largely the same squad that came comically close to winning it all last year, while Darnold is on his fourth team since 2018 for a reason. But for whatever reason, the Kevin O’Connell/Brian Flores combo just gives Shanahan and Co fits they can’t seem to handle.

Those fits included a blocked punt, an interception, a fumble, multiple turnovers on downs, and a 97 yard touchdown from Darnold to Justin Jefferson, the highest paid receiver in the league for a reason. Dominating the Giants in Week 1 was cute, but getting the best of the reigning NFC Champions is a statement. Maybe the fourth time is the charm?

Lions vs Bucs

Credit where credit is due, the Bucs played the Lions tough in the divisional round last year, losing a spirited one-score affair. But Baker Mayfield has always been great when he’s been doubted only to crash and burn the minute people believe in him. Yet as we alluded to earlier, Baker Mayfield is on a tear so far this season, tied for first in the league in touchdowns amongst quarterbacks despite getting paid (whom he shares that distinction with, is every bit as insane).

On the other side of this rematch, 4th Down aggression bit Dan Campbell in the kneecaps once again late in the 4th Quarter, while confusion between the Offense and Special teams earlier in the game cost them a field goal. Goff didn’t help much either throwing two interceptions and going 1 of 7 in the red zone which fucked oh so many fantasy teams out there. Tampa Bay looks primed to defend its division title, but to do that they’ll have to go through the QB who shares Baker’s league lead in touchdowns and just dominated in

Cowboys vs Saints

Dallas coming off an unbelievable high and feeling invincible only to immediately lose to an opponent they absolutely shouldn’t will never stop being funny. Inarguably the most vocal fanbase in the league, they find a way to be brought back to reality the minute they start getting high off their own supply. While it’s not inconceivable for Dallas to lose to a lesser team, the manner in which the Saints went marching in to AT&T Stadium was particularly surprising.

Carr had a 125.0 passer rating, Kamara punched in 3 scores including a 57 yarder off a screen pass, and Dak was pulled in the Fourth Quarter ending the Cowboys’ 16 game home winning streak in emphatic fashion. New Orleans blowing out Carolina was one thing, but annihilating the Cowboys on their turf for the first time in the regular season since Tom Brady himself did it in Week 1 of the 2022 was truly a mindfuck we didn’t see coming. With a point differential of +62 two weeks in, it’s time to stop underestimating the Saints.

Raiders vs Ravens

How in God’s name did Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry get outdueled at home by Gardner fucking Minshew with a 10 point lead in the 4th Quarter??? We love Gardner Minshew, he’s a fucking maniac who doesn’t know what he doesn’t know and has never had a single fuck to give. But him outdueling a two-time MVP is like Uncle Rico outdueling……Lamar Jackson! That said don’t look now, but Minshew is currently 2nd in the NFL in passing yards.

The fact of the matter is Baltimore might feature the scariest rushing combo in the league and still couldn’t ice this game behind the roars of their fans. In a fortnight, the Ravens have gone from strong Super Bowl bets to being in danger of missing the playoffs (less than 11% of teams that start 0-2 have reached the postseason in the past decade). To make matters worse their next 3 games are against the Cowboys, Bills, and division rival Bengals. What the actual flock.

[pint4punt]

5 Teams That Might Prevent the Inevitable Threepeat

At long last the worst part of the sports calendar is finally behind us! No longer do we have to desperately suckle at the teat of baseball while we wait for the real action to begin. That’s the good news. The bad news? It’s still the Chiefs’ world and we’re all living in it.

After losing to the Raiders on Christmas Day last year, Kansas City finally looked vulnerable. The offense was broken, MVS needed body guards just to go to the store, and their first ever road trip in the postseason was looming. But any doubts of how inevitable Mahomes truly is at this point have surely been quelled by this latest run as he led the Chiefs through a road trip from hell, going through the Bills and Ravens in their houses, before beating arguably the most complete Niners’ team in the last 30 years in their division rivals’ home stadium to earn the third ring in his already legendary career.

So if a Chiefs team with as many weaknesses as this one had could go through that brutal of a postseason lineup and still win it all, what team can possibly dethrone the Back-to-Back champs after they addressed their offensive deficiencies by drafting the fastest player in NFL Combine history? Well the god honest truth is, probably none! But who are we to tell you watching this season is a complete waste of time for 31 fanbases! For those of you getting high off hopium like us, here’s 5 teams that MIGHT have a shot at preventing the first ever threepeat.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Don’t be so quick to give up on Russ and Justin Fields in an Arthur Smith offense could be a game chang……we’re just fucking with you lol

Houston Texans

As unbelievable as Mahomes’ debut as the starter in his second year was, C.J. Stroud had one of the greatest rookie seasons of all time. And Houston has done everything possible to ensure he doesn’t experience a Sophomore slump with key additions such as Stefon Diggs, Joe Mixon, and even his college tight end in Cade Stover along with returning stars in Nico Collins and Tank Dell.

Pairing Danielle Hunter with Defensive Rookie of the year Will Anderson should also give Demeco Ryans all the firepower he needs to put opposing QBs’ asses in the turf as well. The real question is whether or not they’re ready to swim in the deep end of the AFC pool. If so, Stroud just might establish himself as the new sheriff in town and Diggs might not have to watch the Chiefs celebrate from the sideline for once.

Cincinnati Bengals

If there has been one boogeyman in Patrick Mahomes’ career, it’s Joe Burrow. Under Burrow, the Bengals have gone 3-1 against Kansas City, with the one loss coming in a highly controversial AFC Championship game where the Chiefs kept getting mulligans on 3rd & 9 due to officiating fuckery.

The Bengals missed the playoffs last year at least in part due to injuries and will be without now former Offensive Coordinator Brian Callahan for the first time in Joe Burrow’s career. There’s also the ongoing contractual issues with Cincinnati’s favorite super weapon Ja’Marr Chase that may result in him missing games. Time will tell what kind of impact all of this will have, but at the very least the real Slim Shady appears to have stood back up.

Detroit Lions

Legitimately, is there a more fun team in football than the Detroit Lions right now? The perfect meld of old school ground and pound, new age passing concepts, and a Head Coach jacked on borderline lethal levels of espresso. While it’s easy to point out that the Lions already beat the back-to-back champs to kick start the 2023 season (in their house no less), it’s important to note that two of the Chiefs most important players in Travis Kelce and Chris Jones missed that game. The latter of which, doesn’t get nearly enough credit for both of the Chief’s Super Bowl wins over another team featured in this article (oops spoiler alert).

What Detroit…..devout? Dedicated? Whatever the fuck their fans call themselves, should focus on is how much better they got throughout the year and how they had the Chiefs’ eventual Super Bowl opponent (spoiler spoiler spoiler!!!!) on the ropes until a miraculous halftime comeback for the ages. With an offensive line that imposes its will in a manner that would make Weinstein blush, a dynamic duo at RB in Gibbs & Montgomery, an alpha Receiver & an end-zone magnet Tight End, a force off the edge who finished 2nd in QB pressures last year (101) and a QB who can reliably orchestrate it all, the Lions have all the ingredients to put a dent in the Kansas City dynasty.

San Francisco 49ers

Pure seething hatred alone might will this victory into existence. Seriously, what did Kyle Shanahan do to the scriptwriters to make them hate him so much. Popping Dre Greenlaw’s Achilles in a Super Bowl this team was dominating early on? A muffed punt? And let’s not forget the overtime debacle, that added a nice twist from the last time Mahomes & Co ripped the Faithfuls’ hearts out of their chest. Tinfoil hats aside, this team’s sexual frustration has to make Tiger Woods look celibate.

All of that said, why include them as a threat to a Quarterback they’ve literally never beaten? Well for starters, Vegas has them neck and neck with Kansas City to win it all and we all know how much they hate losing (right right off with the tinfoil hat). But more importantly Brock Purdy, every analysts’ favorite punching bag, took Mahomes and this dynastic roster to overtime on the biggest stage in his first full season as a starter. San Francisco just has to hope him having a proper offseason is enough to overcome all the Brandon Aiyuk and Trent Williams drama and they just might have a shot at finally getting out from Andy Reid’s shadow. Week 7 will offer a nice preview of this one.

Baltimore Ravens

Ah yes, it all comes down to the the matchup that will kick start the whole 2024 ride in approximately 3 hours from the time of this writing. Baltimore has been the standard of the NFL from the Front Office down in the Lamar Jackson era. Yet despite being the darlings of the analytics community in that time, they’ve only won one of five matchups against Mahomes’ Chiefs. Which begs the question is this really a rivalry?

Despite being NFL Royalty against the rest of the league, Baltimore needs something more to gain the edge over the Chiefs and maybe just maybe, that something is a King.

After helping end Baltimore’s season just a few short years ago, Derrick Henry is now hoping to help the Ravens extend their season one more game than last year and cement the legacy of his reign with a Lombardi Trophy. If Henry has lost a step, it’s hard to envision this team toppling Kansas City with key losses to their Defense and O-Line. But if he can be the transformational piece the Ravens signed him to be, they just might have the best chance at ending the dynasty…..well maybe for a year.

[pint4punt]

Run Masters:

Rust to Rushing Champions

Reports of the running back position’s demise may have been premature as the market for the league’s under appreciated stars came roaring back this offseason. Several household names got the big pay days and realistic hope of competing for a championship that eluded them in 2023.

Fanbases of the teams’ who gave their backfield a nitrous boost can only dream that the talent their team already has can elevate said workhorse to CMC-level production for their team. While hoping for a legitimate MVP caliber season from a Running Back may seem idealistic, there’s no question that fantasy value is up on several of the best backs in the game. But the real question is, which renovated backfield will be the most dangerous this season?

Today we’ll look at how each player fits with their new team and throw in our two cents on who has the best chance of usurping the current rushing champion in Christian McCaffrey. With that said let’s rush right into it!

Joe Mixon to the Texans

A year ago projecting the Texans as a playoff team, let alone a Super Bowl contender, seemed a laughable notion. Then the revelation known as CJ Stroud took the field and set the league on fire en route to winning Offensive Rookie of the year. Nobody outside of Leonardo DiCaprio could possibly have as big a hard on for a 22 year old as the Texans must have for their young Quarterback that led them to the divisional round the same year he was selected 2nd overall in the draft.

Needless to say, an outstanding first year campaign from Stroud and new Head Coach Demeco Ryans has accelerated the Texans window dramatically into ‘win now!’ mode. With little growing pains to show and 3 more years of Stroud playing for peanuts (relatively speaking), the Texans have basically discovered plutonium and need to capitalize as much as possible if they’re going to try and compete with the Chiefs and the Ravens this year.

Enter Joe Mixon coming off his fourth 1,000 yard rushing campaign. If nothing else, Mixon has been the pinnacle of consistency, averaging right around four yards per carry with one fumble in three years and playing in 47 of a possible 51 games. Coming in at 220 lbs, with excellent hands (52 receptions on 64 targets for 376 receiving yards in 2023), and the ability to take on huge workloads (his 257 carries last year ranked 5th in the NFL), Mixon should be a significant upgrade over the incumbent Dameon Pierce who lost his starting job to journeyman Devin Singletary last year.

Saquon Barkley to the Eagles

For Giants’ fans, seeing their best player sign with their hated arch rival in the Philadelphia Eagles had to be like catching your wife in bed with your Boss. It’s not bad enough that they regularly ruin your life, but they also have to take away your only reason to live. For Barkley on the other hand, this could not have worked out much better. In addition to getting a lucrative extension ($37 million over 3 years) and getting to regularly face the team that dicked him around when the bill came due, Barkley can finally play behind a top tier Offensive Line (albeit sans Jason Kelce) that can help him truly maximize his skillset and his quads. It also helps that his new Quarterback is a legitimate rushing threat without the tripping hazard. Though Fantasy Managers should temper mentally prepare for goal line siphoning whether you draft Hurts or Barkley.

While the Eagles followed up their 2022 NFC Championship with the worst sequel since the Hangover 2, it’s hard not to look at an Offense that features AJ Brown, Devonta Smith, Hurts, and Barkley and not have high hopes. Even Kellen Moore can’t fuck that up…..right?

Derrick Henry to the Ravens

Picture you’re the green dot linebacker. You look in the opposing backfield and see a two-time MVP/perennial rushing threat under center. To his left is King Henry. That’s the moment you realize, this rushing attack is even more likely to impose its will on you than P. Diddy. Even a slight misstep can result in your defense getting bulldozed by Henry at the second level or Lamar taking one to the house. This ground game is the ultimate realization of thunder and lightning and may very well be the biggest rushing threat in the league.

Teams won’t be able to simply stack the box either, now that Lamar has legitimate vertical threats in Mark Andrews, Isaiah Likely, and Zay Flowers who put up 858 yards and five touchdowns as a Rookie last year (though hopefully he can avoid some of those costly postseason mistakes in his sophomore campaign). The Ravens would also certainly benefit from quality snaps from another one of their receivers such as Rashod Bateman or promising rookie Devontez Walker, but the biggest question for them is if Henry’s royal reign will continue?

Henry made the Pro Bowl once again last season and still rushed for over 1,000 yards and double digit touchdowns last year with yards per carry consistent with the previous two seasons. But he also celebrated his dirty thirty earlier this year. If any Running Back can give Father Time hell, it’s Derrick Henry, but with a lot of tread on the tire at this point in his career, it’s fair to ask how long he will be able to take over games and put teams on his back. Luckily, for the first time in his career, it’s not all on him.

Enough Pussyfooting, Who Can Dethrone CMC?

There’s so much to like about all of these moves and fantasy leagues will be abound with debates over this exact topic. The steady presence of Joe Mixon should give CJ Stroud the extra half second to feed the ball to his armory of weapons (more on that in a future article), while his prodigious skills as a Quarterback and a laundry list of playmakers will force defenses to give up space underneath. But we’ve seen this movie before with Cincinatti’s army of talent, Mixon is a great player, but he isn’t making an MVP run in this lifetime.

Saquon could be transformational for the Eagles’ Offense. Or he could be a slight upgrade over what they had last year when they got eliminated in the Wild Card Round. Or he could deal with another injury prone season. Hey we’re not rooting for it, but he was available in free agency for a reason. If it works, this offense will be absolutely unstoppable on short yardage situations. If Barkley misses a lot of time, the Eagles are going to feel it, while Giants’ fans will owe Joe Schoen an apology.

Derrick Henry to the Ravens makes all the sense in the world. It’s exactly what both sides need. The Ravens need a consistent rushing threat that isn’t their signal caller so the attention is not always entirely on him. Derrick Henry needs an offense with names teams know other than him! It’s like Silk Sonic or the iPhone, you never realized how much you needed it until it fell in your lap.

If any ground game can rival Christian McCaffrey in a Kyle Shanahan Offense, its Derrick Henry lined up next to Lamar Jackson. This offense is going to make every Defensive Coordinator it runs into throw their headset on the ground and rage quit if Derrick Henry is even 70% of himself. Henry is more durable than Saquon and more dominant than Joe Mixon and the Ravens have an unabashed love for pounding the rock. If this move doesn’t propel them past Kansas City nothing will. All hail the king.

[pint4punt]

Changing of the Guard:

4 Teams on the Rise and 4 Teams on the Outs

As with every year in the NFL, turnover is aplenty and teams make bold, auspicious moves aimed at turning their franchise into a true contender or (more importantly to some Owners) a team that puts more asses in the seats than yesteryear! On the other side of that coin, we have the teams who maxed out their credit cards with overpriced veterans and ‘savvy’ draft picks that ultimately…….were as risky as advertised. Word to the wise, Afterpay is a slippery slope!

This is a key reason about half the playoff deck gets reshuffled year-to-year with the only sure bet being that Mahomes and the Chiefs will win the Super Bowl if anything other than Tom Brady gets thrown at them. With the regular season (FINALLY) back this week, today we’ll call our shots on four candidates to regress and miss the playoffs and four newcomers on the rise we expect to make some serious noise!

Budding Super Bowl Contender Houston Texans?

Sure this team made the playoffs last year, but it’s hard not to view them through a different lens this time around. It seems only yesterday the Houston Texans were the favorite punching bag of the national media as well as this particular group of stooges. Yet after a prolific offseason, we’re once again reminded of what one great draft class can do for even the most hopeless franchises. Even most die hard Texans fans couldn’t name more than 3 players on their 2022 roster. Fast forward to 2024 and they might just be the most loaded team in the AFC.

The stars truly aligned for the…..star last year when the Panthers chose Bryce Young over CJ Stroud, allowing hometown hero Demeco Ryans to immediately find his franchise quarterback before his new team had even played a snap. What Stroud went on to accomplish as a rookie could only be described as sensational and prodigious. This clearly isn’t lost on the Texans as they spent nearly $180 million in free agency to ensure the sequel is even better than the original, adding elite talent such as Danielle Hunter, Joe Mixon, and Stefon Diggs.

For a team that already features the reigning Offensive AND Defensive Rookie of the Year in Stroud and Will Anderson respectively, along with breakout stars such as Tank Dell, Nico Collins, & Noah Brown, these moves are all very aggressive. Like OJ fed up with his wife aggressive. And we fucking love it. Stroud is cheap, the Salary Cap is only going up, and no Quarterback has taken the league by storm this fast since our Lord and Commander Patrick Mahomes (and he had a year to marinate). The Texans won the division and a playoff game in the first year of the new guard, just imagine what they can do with a shit ton of spending and another year in the system.

Sun Setting for the Cowboys?

God bless the Dallas Cowboys, they truly disappoint their fans every year. And in our opinion, the annual letdown will be them getting bounced from playoff contention altogether this year (which just means their season will be a week shorter than usual). While that’s not as fun as watching epic playoff collapses where they get blown out at home by a QB with no postseason experience or lose on the road while playing an aging Running Back at center, we just don’t think they have the horses this go round.

Sure, you can put star players like CeeDee Lamb and Micah Parsons up against the best of the best in the league and Dak Prescott is a regular season hero. But that clearly hasn’t been enough when the lights get brighter and Jerry Jones did nothing to address that in an offseason in which he claimed to be ‘all in’. Mix in lingering contract extensions for Dak, Micah, & Head Coach Mike McCarthy along with rumblings of player discontent with Jerry Jones and it’s easy to see a playoff picture sans Dallas. That is of course unless resigning their long snapper galvanizes the locker room!

Can a New Super Weapon Help Kyler Murray return to prominence?

The Cardinals first raised eyebrows last year when they handed the aforementioned Cowboys, a team viewed by many as a Super Bowl contender, their first loss of the year. The team many expected to be in the Caleb Williams’ sweepstakes looked surprisingly competitive and competent under first year Head Coach Jonathan Gannon. And that was without former first overall pick Kyler Murray in tow, who didn’t make his debut until Week 10 as he continued to rehab a torn ACL.

Less than a year later, the Cardinals arguably came away with the best consolation prize of the draft in Marvin Harrison Jr., a player viewed every bit as talented if not more so than his Hall of Fame father. Murray and the Cardinals needed an injection of talent in the wake of moving on from an aging Deandre Hopkins and lacking a true number one receiving threat. Between the projected rookie phenom, promising young tight end Trey McBride, a backfield duo of James Connor & Trey Benson, and a healthier Murray with a proper offseason in Gannon’s system, it’s easy to envision this team giving the established threats of the NFC serious hell and returning to the playoffs this year.

Will the Jaguars Regret Paying Trevor Lawrence?

In Doug Pederson’s first year, the Jaguars had to feel like the sky was the limit. Pederson took over for a coach with more controversies than Hunter Biden and it took the eventual Super Bowl Champions to end their season in the divisional round. Surely, with another year in the system and the addition of an alpha receiver rested up from a gambling suspension, this team could only do better right?

Despite a bit of a rocky start, it sure looked that way in the early throngs of the 2023 season as the Jaguars started off 6-2. Then they ran into a really pissed off San Francisco team coming off a three game losing streak (and a bye week) and Mr. Irrelevant made all the throws a number one overall selected QB simply couldn’t in a 34-3 drubbing. Which really begs the question Jags’ fans must hate asking themselves: Is Trevor Lawrence really the guy?

Sure his college highlights are spectacular and Joel Klatt probably personally sucked him off before the 2021 draft. But what has he actually done as a starter in the league? 20-30 record, averages 13 interceptions a year, has never broken 30 touchdowns in a season, and now he cost $275 Million. Couple that with missing the playoffs last year, losing his top weapon in Calvin Ridley (to a division rival no less) and the AFC South taking significant strides this offseason, and it’s easy to see this team disappoint even more than your first time.

The Atlanta Falcons Might Have Overcorrected, but You Would Too with Desmond Ridder

Heading into 2024, Hotlanta had gone the way of Sydney Sweeney in their three most recent drafts, opting to do the sexiest thing possible at every turn. Instead of the functional family friendly crossover SUVs such as Offensive Tackles or Defensive Lineman, they’ve consistently spent Top 10 Picks on Sports Cars such as a Tight End 4th overall in 2021 and using the 8th overall pick in back-to-back years on a Wide Receiver and a dynamic pass catching Running Back. This was all done for a grouchy walking taint of a Head Coach who refused to use any of these incredible weapons purely out of spite just to fuck your fantasy team even if it meant going 7-10 every year. Needless to say, that didn’t sit well with Ownership and there’s a new sheriff in town with the homecoming of Raheem Morris.

Morris didn’t mince words about the other major problem with this team at his introductory press conference and well, regardless of what you think about how they addressed the QB room, you can’t argue that they didn’t thoroughly address it. While some felt paying Kirk Cousins $180 million and then selecting Michael Penix Jr. (you guessed it!) 8th overall, was overkill and detracted from a potential Super Bowl 59 run, you have to admire the balls of this organization to say ‘fuck it’ year in and year out. While the QB situation could easily get messier than Drake’s family tree if this team doesn’t gel right away, it can’t be worse than watching Arthur Smith take turns screaming at Desmond Ridder and Taylor Heinicke for not executing his genius trick play to his back up Tight End every week.

Incoming Growing Pains for the Buffalo Bills who are Still Looking to Pop That Elusive Cherry

Look as stupid as we are (and make no mistake we are very stupid) even we wouldn’t be so ignorant as to imply that a team featuring Josh Allen at Quarterback wouldn’t be a serious threat to any opponent they face. That being said, it’s hard to envision this team being the powerhouse that had many deeming it a Super Bowl favorite two years ago. Between age and cap constraints, Buffalo had to thin the herd this offseason, opting to move on from key players such as Center Mitch Morse, Safety Jordan Poyer, Cornerback Tre’Davious White, Outside Linebacker Leonard Floyd, and most notably, Wide Receiver Stefon Diggs to name a few. Jesus there’s reshuffling the deck and then there’s declaring bankruptcy. Hell Brandon Beane even said on Hard Knocks that he wouldn’t move into the top 10 because he couldn’t afford to pay a pick that high.

Buffalo shifted their identity last year after firing Offensive Coordinator Ken Dorsey and handing play calling over to Joe Brady mid-season. It was a bold strategy Cotton, but it paid off as Buffalo went from being outside the playoff picture to winning the division. They’ll need their ‘Run First’* identity to carry over into 2024 as they rely on a receiver by committee approach in light of the Diggs trade. Their best hope is Keon Coleman winning over Josh Allen as fast as he probably won over Macy’s Corporate Team (seriously where is the fucking endorsement deal guys???)

The Bears’ Optimism Runs as Deep as Their Pizza

Before Caleb Williams even touched a football with his meticulously manicured nails on the pro stage, many already believed the first overall pick would go on to be the best Quarterback in the history of the Bears’ franchise. That’s both a bold take and a testament to the sheer mediocrity Chicago has fielded at the game’s most important position year after year. His preseason performance did nothing to dissuade this notion either, with him making several eye popping throws in limited action. While the Bears are infamous for never having a QB eclipse 4,000 passing yards and for giving Aaron Rodgers controlling ownership of their franchise, there is finally genuine reason for fans to be excited both long and short term.

While Caleb is still unproven at the pro level and we’ve all been woefully underwhelmed by another ‘generational prospect’ in this article, he couldn’t possibly be set up better coming into the league. The Bears really laid the groundwork for this rebuild last year when they insisted on DJ Moore being included in Carolina’s package for the 2023 1st Overall Pick. That trade gave them a true number one receiver with which to properly evaluate previous starter Justin Fields as well a key piece for the future.

What they couldn’t have seen coming was Bryce Young and the Panthers being so god damn awful that it would also yield the 2024 1st Overall Pick. But they didn’t stop there. They traded for Keenan Allen coming off one of his most successful years in the pros (which is saying a lot given his resume) and used their own first rounder on arguably the best Wide Receiver in this year’s draft not named Marvin Harrison Jr. If Caleb Williams can’t succeed with two elite veterans who combined for over 2,600 yards and 15 touchdowns last year, one of the top young weapons in this draft, and a Defense that tied for first in interceptions (22) last year, then it’s time for Chicago to start asking if they’re truly cursed at the position.

Miami is Now in the Eye of Hurricane Tua

The Dolphins are one of the most entertaining teams to watch in the entire league when they’re firing on all cylinders. It’s like poetry in motion and ballet wrapped together in teal and orange. The problems surface when they run into physically imposing teams that disrupt their flow and make Quarterback Tua Tagovailoa uncomfortable.

Let’s be honest, their Wild Card playoff loss to the Chiefs was every bit as predictable as the Democratic Party forcing Biden to drop out of the election. Like actual dolphins, they thrive in their own environment, but get them in the bitter cold of January and they quickly become endangered. Sure the idea of OBJ joining a receiving corps that already features Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle sounds exciting, but Miami hasn’t struggled in January because of a lack of receivers and Tua isn’t likely to connect with his plethora of weapons often if he has disrupters in the AFC like Will Anderson and Danielle Hunter breathing down his neck.

Further complicating matters is the Dolphins giving said finesse QB $212 million dollars. 2024 is the calm before the storm, because as things currently stand, Miami is $29 million over the cap for 2025 per Spotrac. With a wide receiver duo in Hill and Waddle set to (justifiably) cost over $51 million next year, this season is feeling a little last-dancey for a team that seems ill-equipped to play football in the winter.

Don’t get us wrong, we think Mike McDaniel is unequivocally one of the brightest offensive minds in the league. But at the end of the day, it was east to push this team around last year and with offseason losses such as Defensive Tackle Christian Wilkins, Linebacker Andrew Van Ginkel, and Guard Robert Hunt, along with a now very expensive Quarterback who has yet to win a playoff game, we fully expect them to be drive hunted by the best of the AFC. But hey, for our money, they still have excellent fantasy options and the best coke in the nation!

Don’t agree with our list? Fuck you! Just kidding, give us your thoughts in the comments.

[pint4punt]

The 5 Matchups That Will Define Super Bowl 58

As hard as it is to believe, the NFL’s 104th season is edging toward its conclusion with Super Bowl 58 this afternoon. It seems like just yesterday that 32 teams (well realistically like 24-25) had hopes of chasing Super Bowl Glory. Fast forward to February and 30 teams are now pounding their heads against the wall trying to figure out how the fuck they get to this game.

But we’re not here to talk about the 30 teams left wondering “what if”. We’re here to talk about the last two standing. The ones who can practically taste that Lombardi……well assuming they had licked the trophy at some point, which hey, who the hell knows what goes on behind closed doors! The first Super Bowl in Las Vegas features San Francisco vs Kansas City II, with the contractual details of the trilogy conclusion being ironed out as we speak. While the team colors are familiar, both teams have undergone makeovers on par with Spearmint Rhino’s top stripper entering her 40’s. You've no doubt been inundated with Super Bowl analysis for the past two weeks so we’ll cut to the chase and focus on the five matchups that will determine who wins the fucking Super Bowl!

The Trenches

Yes yes yes, it’s a tale as old as time, but it still rings true to this day. The battle is won in the trenches and the line of scrimmage may be the single biggest factor in determining who hits the Craps Tables and who will simply be leaving Las Vegas.

The Chiefs’ D-Line (most notably Chris Jones) will have its opportunity to feast against anyone not named Trent Williams, who is basically the scariest fucking bouncer in history. On the edges, San Francisco will deploy the reunited Ohio State duo of Nick Bosa and Chase Young against the oft-penalized Donovan Smith and Jawaan Taylor. The interior will feature starters Arik Armstead and Javon Hargrave going toe to toe with Creed Humphrey and Nick Allegreti, the latter of which is filling in for the injured All Pro Left Guard Joe Thuney.

Advantage: San Francisco

SF WRs vs KC DBs

Let’s be honest, Kansas City’s lack of talent at Wide Receiver is probably what makes this a fair fight. The fact that the gauntlet of AFC opponents allowed them to make the Super Bowl THIS YEAR is frankly embarrassing, but we won’t belabor that point. The other side of this matchup presents the far more interesting battles.

Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, and oft unsung hero Jauan Jennings will face off against All-Pro Cornerbacks Trent McDuffie and hilariously underrated running mate L’Jarius Sneed, who did not yield a single touchdown in coverage in 2023. San Francisco’s receiving corps against Kansas City’s secondary may very well be the most enticing matchup of Super Bowl 58 and frankly, feels like a bit of a wash. But with San Francisco’s issues on the right side of their O-Line (23rd in pass block efficiency per PFF) combined with a Quarterback playing in his first Super Bowl, it’s hard not to lean towards the secondary here.

Advantage: Kansas City

Fred Warner vs Travis Kelce

The intermediate game offers an equally tantalizing matchup as the best Linebacker in the league will be tasked with holding Kansas City’s most prolific receiver, and one of the greatest Tight Ends of all time in Travis Kelce, in check. Few teams would even dare trust a linebacker mono y mono with the likes of Kelce. But Fred Warner is the best coverage linebacker in the league and is essentially a cheat code on Defense.

We may have said this a time or two already (you try doing this after four stiff margaritas), but this matchup could truly define Super Bowl 58, as inability to connect with 87 could frustrate Mahomes and kill drives, while getting Kelce going early could simultaneously drop the 49ers and Taylor Swift’s panties.

Advantage: The Guy with the rings and the most powerful Pop Star on the planet in his corner

CMC vs the World

Christian McCaffrey in all honesty, was the MVP this year. But because it HAS to be a Quarterback award, that title went to a regular season hero in Lamar Jackson. According to the overwhelming majority of NFL analysts, CMC is the reason Brock Purdy even has a job. And with that comes lofty expectations from both the fans and the opposing defense.

Luckily for San Francisco, that opposing Defense is Kansas City’s 31st ranked Outside Zone Defense. While they will undoubtedly be expecting a hefty dose of McCaffrey, history suggests they won’t have many answers in terms of defending it. If only the actual winner of the MVP award had challenged them on the ground more!

Advantage: San Francisco

Purdy vs Mahomes

The most highlighted matchup of Super Bowl 58 may also be its most lopsided as the last pick in the draft squares off against arguably the best Quarterback the league has ever seen. This is the ultimate David vs Goliath story. Except it’s David w/ Cerebral Palsy vs Goliath on a cocktail of angel dust, steroids, and beaver tranquilizer.

Unlike the media writ large, we really don’t think Purdy is a ‘Game Manager’ or a ‘System Quarterback’ or whatever disparaging slur they’ve attributed to him as of late. But as fun as his underdog story is, the simple fact of the matter is Mahomes has racked up a star-studded body count this year that includes his perennial rival Josh Allen, a Miami offense led by his former super weapon Tyreek Hill, & the now two-time MVP Lamar Jackson.

We’re not saying Purdy has no chance of beating him, but Mahomes does tend to just win games he really shouldn’t when you look at the conventional matchups. And if he can do that against some of the best super weapons the league has ever seen, what chance does Mr. Irrelevant actually have?

Advantage: Kansas City

Bonus: Taylor Swift vs Donald Trump

Let us preface this by saying, we have no reason to believe Donald Trump roots for or against either of these teams. We know he loves the Patriots as they were one of the few teams that actually visited him in the White House (minus a key figure or two) and spent the entire Tom Brady era torturing the team he tried and failed to buy a decade ago. So why is the not even slightly controversial former President being brought up in this ridiculous sports article?

Because he’s running again and the presence of one particular Super Star has led to one of the funniest sports conspiracies we’ve ever heard. Bay Area fans turn back now, this section certainly does not favor you. The obviously credible theory perpetuates that Goodell and Co. have scripted another Kansas City victory to ensure Travis Kelce proposes to the the most powerful woman on the planet right before she endorses Joe Biden for the 2024 presidency. There are some variations of this theory that suggest Kelce will celebrate the victory by impregnating Swift on the field for the whole world to see (that’d certainly one-up the Janet Jackson thing).

Obviously, an influx of new voters in the form of the Swifties riding a sleepy Joe endorsement would prove problematic for Trump, which leads to our final point. Taylor Swift net worth: $1.1 Billion. Donald Trump net worth: $2.6 Billion with several axes to grind. Scripts be damned, at the end of the day money talks!

Advantage: San Francisco

[pint4punt]

And the Lombardi goes to:

What NFL Fanbases’ Bullshit Sob Story Deserves it All

Championship Sunday is finally upon us and boy have the scriptwriters got compelling stories this go round! With the playoffs narrowed down to the final four, we’ve got unforgettable narratives for…….almost all of the QBs still in this! Statistics, scheme, and matchups be damned (let’s be honest you’ve heard every prediction imaginable since these matchups were set).

Today we’ll be focusing on what really matters. Who has the most compelling sob story for quality Super Bowl ratings! Who could forget classics such as ‘Tom Brady Builds a Super Team to Prove it was Him All Along’ or the all star cast of Matthew Stafford, Odell Beckham Jr., and Von Miller in ‘The NFL Really Wants the Robust LA Market!’ featuring Snoop Dogg on the original motion picture soundtrack! You see a ‘may the best team win approach’ is fine for a place setter, but storylines put asses in the seats! And don’t worry, as bad as our jokes are, Jo Koy had little to no involvement in this article! So which Lombardi win makes the best headline? Here are the nominees:

Lamar Jackson

Since he declared for the draft Lamar Jackson has had to overcome widespread perception that he was closer to a skill position player than a signal caller. Many scouts questioned his ability to cut it in the pros at the Quarterback position. This stigma was so strong that Lamar fell all the way to the last pick of the First Round.

John Harbaugh believed in Lamar so strongly, that he reinvented himself and rebuilt his entire Offense around Jackson’s skill set. Shit, I would roll the dice too if my job was on the line after several middling seasons with an aging Joe Flacco! Either it works and you look like a genius or it fails catastrophically and you go out with a bang. Luckily for Harbaugh and Lamar, it was the latter with the now presumably 2x MVP set to play in his first AFC Championship game. Lamar has already shaken off the narrative of him not showing up in the playoffs just by making this game. But knocking off the QB who owns a 3-1 record over him for a trip to Sin City would be Oscar gold! Not bad for a running back.

Jared Goff

Everyone loves a comeback story. An underdog achieving in the face of adversity. A character finding a new lease on life and showing all the doubters they were wrong about him. There may not be a better archetype of that narrative than former 1st overall pick Jared Goff and the historically downtrodden Detroit Lions.

After being sent to die in Detroit, a franchise that has seemingly been in a perpetual state of rebuild for damn near the entirety of its existence, Goff watched from afar as Sean McVay gushed over his new QB Matthew Stafford and his old team held up the trophy he could never give them. Following two seasons with no playoff appearances, Goff seized the opportunity to prove to McVay that he’s not a virgin anymore by out-dueling his replacement to give Detroit their first playoff win in 30 years and keep Stafford winless in Ford Field in the post season.

Now he has the Lions on the precipice of a Super Bowl appearance with a chance to give Detroit its first ever Lombardi. Apparently the grass isn’t always greener on the other side……except in this case where it totally is seeing as how the Rams already won their second Super Bowl like two seasons ago thanks specifically to the Stafford trade, while the Lions are still fighting the good fight for Lombardi number one. But hey, everyone’s happy now right?

Brock Purdy

Is there a more inspiring yet polarizing figure in the NFL than Brock Purdy? He’s like a ‘Make a Wish’ kid that the media wants to beat the living shit out of on sight. In fact, we’re fairly certain Ryan Clark has his picture on a punching bag in his home and regularly unleashes a fury of blows onto an 8.5 x 11 cut out of Mr. Irrelevant. But why? Why does the NFL version of Michael Cera incite as much vitriol as….well Michael Cera?

As the last pick of the draft, Purdy was lucky to even make the final roster of a team that was coming off its 2nd conference championship appearance in 3 years. The depth chart in front of him featured a veteran who had taken the Niners to a Super Bowl and a guy Shanahan gave up his left nut for the year before. But Purdy was like that one sperm that ultimately reached conception, despite overwhelming odds, he just wouldn’t be denied!

Following season ending injuries to both Trey Lance and Jimmy G, Purdy took over a Super Bowl contender mid season…..and might have led them to a Super Bowl were it not for a devastating elbow injury in the NFC Championship that ended San Francisco’s dream run. One year and one UCL repair later, Purdy and the Niners picked right up where they left off and now find themselves back in the Conference Title game as if nothing happened. That’s like Greta Thunberg single-handedly fighting off an army of Exxon Oil’s greatest assassins or Joe Biden finishing a Dr. Seuss book with no assistance. We don’t know what’s up the media’s ass, but that seems pretty impressive for a game manager!

Patrick Mahomes

And then there’s Mahomes. The Meryl Streep in all of this. The one who had the least impressive performance with the least impressive story who you just know is going to spoil all the fun of the more deserving nominees. On paper, this fucker shouldn’t even be here let alone have a puncher’s chance with the way their regular season looked. But that’s what makes Patrick Mahomes, well Patrick Mahomes.

He’s like the Lebron James of football. Or better yet, the Tom Brady….of football…. Poor analogies aside, Mahomes defies all logic and drags inferior teams to the promise land. Sure the script doesn’t favor him this year, but guess what? It didn’t favor him last week against the Buffalo team that finally had him their house this postseason! Or in the Super Bowl last year against Jalen Hurts who mostly outplayed him before…..whatever this season was!

The simple fact of the matter is anyone who pays attention already knows how this ends. Mahomes is going to win the god damn Super Bowl….again. Why?!!! Because the academy, the scriptwriters, and the NFL writ large are lazy as all hell! And dynasties keep the fans coming back, just on the off chance that their pessimistic hopes of a downfall might finally come to fruition….even though they probably won’t until the NFL’s new golden boy is well past his prime. And the Lombardi goes to…….the same son of a bitch it always goes to!!!!! Hopefully we’re wrong and we get a fresh story this time around. Otherwise tune in next year for another crappy sequel with a few minor tweaks. Happy Championship Sunday!

[pint4punt]

All You Need is Love:

How the Packers’ 2020 Gamble Finally Paid Off

Ok the title of this one may be ‘cringe’ as the kids say (right?) but the message rings true regardless. We finally have to come to terms with the fact that the Packers’ run of star Quarterback play looks set to continue with Jordan Love. While it’s high school prom night premature to anoint him as their third straight hall of famer at the position, his growth throughout the year and playoff debut seem to have validated the Packers’ ballsy selection that sent Aaron Rodgers into a dark ayahuasca fueled bender.

NFC North rivals may want to turn back now as today we will be taking a look at how the Packers once again seem to have manufactured a franchise Quarterback and how they look poised to make a run at the NFC for years to come. We apologize to Lions’ fans in advance who so graciously gave us the only compelling playoff game of Wild Card Weekend en route to their first postseason victory since O.J. Simpson was primarily known as an NFL Hall of Famer. As fun of a story as they are and as much as we are pulling for their dream run to continue, the North may not belong to them for long. So how did we get here?

Not Getting Caught Up in LaFleur’s Early Success

It would have been easy to be blinded by the immediate success Green Bay experienced under then first year Head Coach Matt LaFleur. In his debut season, LaFleur led the Packers to their first Conference Championship since the famous ‘Run the Table’ campaign. To give context to how impressive that feat was, the Cowboys’ last 6 Head Coaches haven’t made it to the NFC Championship. Unfortunately, both campaigns ended virtually the same with blowout losses to Shanahan orchestrated offenses. Nonetheless, winning your division along with a Conference Championship Participation Trophy in the first year installing your system speaks volumes about a Coach, even with a Hall of Famer under center. It would have been easy for LaFleur to live in the moment and push his chips to the table in a loaded Receiver draft in the subsequent offseason.

Instead Packers’ brass could not have pivoted further, opting to look over the steering wheel at a post Rodgers’ world and trading up to draft Jordan Love with the the 26th overall pick. For years, Rodgers made them look like absolute fools for making this move as he posted back-to-back MVP campaigns and back-to-back no. 1 Playoff Seeds. Despite this success, Green Bay’s starter was pushing 40 and the LaFleur/Rodgers partnership yielded zero Super Bowl appearances. Cheeseheads may always wonder what could have been if they’d drafted a key contributor on the heels of an NFC Championship appearance, but franchise QBs don’t come around every year and sustained success is an art form few organizations have perfected. This move appeared to be aging horribly until

Love Demonstrated Progress

In the early throngs of the season, long standing proclamations of the Love experiment being an abysmal failure seemed to ring profoundly true. Green Bay started the season 4-6 heading into Thanksgiving and has been about as predictable as what is going to come out of Joe Biden’s mouth at any given moment. Love’s completion percentage has yo-yoed anywhere from 50.0 to 67.5. Even after a Turkey Day thrashing of the 3 Seed Lions and a subsequent ass beating of the defending Super Bowl Champion Chiefs, this team shit the bed against the Giants and Bucs before eeking out a win against Bryce Young and his pee wee football squad.

Despite a Jekyll and Hyde year, Love himself finished strong down the stretch with his Passer Rating never dipping below 109.1 the last four games of the season as he led Green Bay to the playoffs in his rookie* season.

Playoff Debut

With the Packers being so hot and cold most of the year and the annually anointed Dallas Cowboys achieving their highest playoff seeding since Dak Prescott’s rookie season, Love’s squad appeared to be an inevitable one night stand. While lots of fun, not someone you took seriously enough to make it work for the long haul. That’s where we were hilariously wrong. We blame ourselves really as, stupidly, we thought this Cowboys’ team was somehow different than the last 28 Cowboys’ teams that have blown their load early in the playoffs and gone home in short order.

Dallas disappointing after talking a big game really isn't surprising in hindsight, in fact it’s pretty on brand for them. What was surprising, was the stark contrast between the teams that showed up in the Wild Card Round. A Packers’ Defense that generated seven turnovers all year forced two in this game, while Dallas’ DPOY candidate and brick shithouse of a game wrecker, Micah Parsons, was held to one pressure (lowest of his career) and zero sacks.

On the other side of the ball it would be very easy to conflate who was making their playoff debut as Jordan Love surgically eviscerated the Cowboys’ much lauded Defense for a 157.2 passer rating while Dak Prescott gave hope to every armchair QB at the bar out there who swears he could play the position better. Wild Card Weekend was the undoubtably the pique of the Love era to date. Now we turn the page as we look to

The Road Ahead

As fate would have it, today Love will have to attempt a feat even his Jedi Master couldn’t achieve. Beating the 49ers. The Niners have tormented the Packers in the postseason over the years winning the last four straight and often in emphatic fashion with record breaking performances from the likes of Raheem Mostert and the long since cancelled Colin Kaepernick. To make matters worse, the Packers have to go into Levi’s Stadium on short rest against arguably the best Niners’ squad since 1994.

It would be fool’s gold (hehe get it?) to count out a team playing with house money coming off the performance they just had, but we’re not exactly betting our life savings on the upset today either. Regardless of the end result, if Love at least makes this interesting (here’s hoping on a Saturday night otherwise occupied by The Office reruns, strong drinks, and inevitable reflection of life decisions to this point) the Packers will have the ultimate affirmation that they will be ready to make a legitimate run at the NFC for years to come.

While they are going to have to figure out a long-term contract for Love, there is plenty of reason for optimism. The Aaron Rodgers’ dead money comes off the books in 2024. They have the youngest roster in the NFL that is producing well beyond their years with standouts such as Romeo Doubs, Jayden Reed, and Luke Musgrave to complement key veterans such as Aaron Jones and Jaire Alexander. They have five draft picks in the first three rounds next year. Matt LaFleur’s stock has never been higher. And god dammit for the rest of us when it comes to the Quarterback position, Love is all you need.

[pint4punt]

Tampa Bay gets the dub 32-9

[pint4punt]

Exes Gone Wild: Which Jilted Parties will have their Revenge on Wild Card Weekend?

Ah revenge games. The age old “I’ll show them they were wrong” narrative that makes football almost as good as a parlay with a full paycheck. This narrative becomes even juicier when it occurs in the playoffs. Not only can you deal an L to the team that dumped you, but you can ruin their season, their Super Bowl hopes, and a year’s worth of hard work in the process.

This year’s Wild Card Weekend contains not one, not two, not three, but you guessed it FOUR postseason revenge narratives. Today we’ll dive into each one of those, explore what makes them so damn compelling, and give our thoughts on who will prove they were the one that got away and who will prove to be complete losers that don’t deserve love at all.

Texans vs Browns

Despite the Houston Texans’ leadership shamelessly covering up Deshaun Watson’s rampant predatorial tendencies and rewarding him with a life changing contract while he sexually violated every masseuse he could find on Instagram, Watson just wasn’t all that appreciative and tried to force his way out of the organization via trade demand at the conclusion of the 2020 season.

The Texans dug their heels in determined to get what they viewed as commensurate value for a Quarterback of Watson’s caliber despite mounting civil lawsuits. Eventually, the Texans struck a deal that resulted in 3 First Round Picks for Houston and an unprecedented fully guaranteed $230 million for Watson. That deal largely shaped the current Texans which find themselves in the postseason after somehow striking gold on another Quarterback in the draft and enlisting hometown hero Demeco Ryans as their Head Coach.

This matchup would have been so much more tantalizing were Watson starting, but alas, he is done for the year once again as that trade continues to age horribly for Cleveland. Still, since enlisting the services of Joe Flacco, the Browns look like bonafide Super Bowl contenders and nobody (well besides every woman in America) wants to see Watson get a ring less than the Team he so publicly embarrassed. Having found something stable with a nice guy who has everything in front of him, Houston would love to give the middle finger to the scumbag who took them for all they were worth.

Who wins:

While we love CJ Stroud and think the future is extremely bright for the surprise AFC South Champion, the Browns have been winning IN SPITE of Deshaun Watson who is a shell of his former self. This team has never looked better since bringing Flacco out of Daddy Day Care, going 4-1 and scoring 28.6 PPG with him as the starter while boasting the league’s top Defense. The Texans will absolutely make noise in the years to come, but it’s hard to imagine they’re ready to take a team this complete down just yet.

Tyreek Hill vs the Chiefs

In his two years away from the Chiefs, Tyreek Hill has proven both why you trade your super star receiver and subsequently why you don’t trade your superstar receiver. Chiefs’ kingdom basically reached Civil War level division on this subject as they debated whether Mahomes could carry this team without a clear cut top wide receiver.

Despite the initial results of that experiment being mixed, the defending Super Bowl Champions undoubtedly feel they made the right decision and will find receivers who can catch eventually. On the other side Hill, who was just named First Team All Pro, has had an MVP caliber season netting 1,814 all purpose yards and 13 receiving touchdowns. The first time he saw his former Kansas City flame, he nervously fumbled and basically threw up all over himself whilst representing the greatest Country on Earth on foreign soil.

He’ll no doubt be looking to redeem himself in their next encounter with the type of performance that can fast-track him to the second ring of his career and the first in a teal and orange uniform.

Who wins:

With -21° wind chill temperature expected, it’s hard to imagine a team from Florida seriously competing in this game. Couple that in with the loss of two of their premier pass rushers and a Kansas City team that can run the piss out of the ball, play mean defense, and oh I don’t know, has Patrick Fucking Mahomes, and it becomes very hard to envision the Dolphins winning this game. The most likely outcome is Tyreek confirming the Chiefs we’re right to move on from him until they lose in the AFC Championship because they can’t pass the fucking ball.

Mike McCarthy vs the Green Bay Packers

As hilarious as it is to poke fun at Mike McCarthy’s complete lack of situational awareness in tight games, he did what the Packers’ new flame has yet to show he can do and brought Green Bay their last Lombardi. And while it’s easy to give Aaron Rodgers all the credit for that, Matt LaFleur had the 4 Time MVP/sworn enemy of Jimmy Kimmel PLUS Davante Adams and back-to-back 1 Seeds and still has yet to even make the big dance. Still, there’s a reason LaFleur was brought in and it had a lot to do with Rodgers’ constant questioning of McCarthy and the franchise being middle of the…..Pack towards the end of Big Mike’s tenure.

The most damning aspect of this transition was the Packers’ immediate ascension to the top of the NFC with three consecutive 13 win seasons. So how has McCarthy responded in his second go round as HC? With three consecutive 12 win seasons! That’s right both these coaches have reasons to puff their chests out and Sunday’s Wild Card matchup will undoubtedly be a nationally televised dick measuring contest.

The key difference here is Green Bay’s new beau is playing with house money. Rodgers and Davante are gone, half the Packers’ roster still carries fake IDs, and McCarthy is under more pressure than ever to deliver the goods at home with the best Cowboys’ team he’s had and coaches like Belichick and (most likely) Jim Harbaugh back on the dating scene. Green Bay has also had Dallas’ number as of late ESPECIALLY in the playoffs (just ask Dez). If he lets Green Bay’s new man come into his house and give his ex a night she’ll never forget right in front of him and all his fans, he’s as good as gone.

Who wins:

While it would undoubtedly be hilarious to watch another early Dallas collapse in the postseason in a game they should absolutely win, this feels like too tall of an order. The Packers have played well and will be a lot of fun to watch in the years to come, but this years’ Cowboys play too well at home (16 straight wins in Jerry World) and are too well rounded with All-Pros in all three phases, while the Packers’ are woefully inexperienced on this type of stage. It would take a cataclysmic meltdown for this upset to occur and while we won’t totally rule that out, our money is on the home team winning a game that is probably closer than it should be.

Jared Goff vs The Rams

Of all the exciting revenge narratives of Wild Card Weekend, Goff’s Detroit Lions vs Matthew Stafford’s Rams IN DETROIT is the Super Bowl of axes to grind. It’s not every day that number one overall picks are swapped, let alone face each other on their respective new teams in a do or die game. Matthew Stafford was basically the Tom Brady of disappointing his fanbase during his tenure as a Lion, going 0-3 in the playoffs with Detroit. He’ll look to keep that streak alive and ensure another playoff loss for Detroit this Sunday. He finally popped his cherry with the Rams who did things with him his former flame never would. To make things juicier, the Rams left Jared Goff, a Quarterback who had taken them to a Super Bowl, to be with Stafford.

When Goff was dumped, everyone assumed him falling into Detroit’s arms was a meaningless rebound that would flame out in no time. But lo and behold, this dynamic just works with Goff doing things for this Lions franchise that Stafford never could such as winning the NFC North for the first time in three decades. Still, as much as Goff has satisfied Detroit, Stafford gave the Rams the night of their life bringing them the Super Bowl Trophy that Goff never could.

Ignore the sportsmanship diatribe in the press conferences leading up to this one. Both these guys have something to prove and both will be looking to put on a show in this awkward AF reunion. Stafford will be looking to display the caliber of play that made him the home team’s top pick in 2009 and further demonstrate what could have been with a better supporting cast. Goff will be looking to show McVay he was wrong to give up on him and that they still could have won it all together if they’d just stayed the course. Campbell will be looking to show Stafford how different things could have been under his leadership and that he never had to leave to be successful. In the end, both these squads have flourished despite the stir this move created. But only one is going to move onto the divisional round while the other takes a very personal loss and an agonizing blow to their ego.

Who wins:

As feel good as the Lions’ story has been this year, this one just feels like the jocks are going to come in and rain on Detroit’s parade all over again. Sam LaPorta, who’s been a revelation, fucked up his knee and the Rams finished the year as one of the hottest teams in Football. Couple that with LA’s postseason success (7-3 with two Super Bowl appearances and a Super Bowl Championship under McVay) and Detroit making their first foray in the playoffs behind Goff and Dan Campbell, and it seems more likely that the Rams bite off the Lions’ kneecaps while Stafford rips Detroit’s heart out one more time.

[pint4punt]

Bear of a Decision:

Chicago’s Franchise Altering Moment

For the second year in a row, the Chicago Bears have the number one pick in the draft. Sure the circumstances are slightly different as they managed to ruin another franchise this time around, but it raises an interesting question nonetheless. Are the Bears really going to pass up on another Fields’ get out of jail free card?

They doubled down on the 11th overall pick of the 2021 draft last year and despite signs of improvement, the Bears are still out of the playoff mix and dead last in the division at the time of this writing. This boils down to a philosophical question of team building. Does the team make the Quarterback or does the Quarterback make the team? That’s the key question Chicago’s front office (whoever that may be after the season) will have to answer this offseason as this franchise finds itself at a major crossroads.

Option 1:

Pay Fields, Trade for a Haul, and get Marvin Harrison Jr.

As golden of an opportunity as it is to get the number one pick two years in a row, look at last year’s first overall pick that analysts almost universally believed was the obvious top choice in the draft. The fact of the matter is few rookies are truly a known commodity, especially at Quarterback and the Salary Cap is only going to go up in years to come. Pay Fields the minute the draft is over, fleece the Commanders, Patriots, or Giants for a stupid haul of draft capital, pair Marvin Harrison Jr, a receiver already being projected as a Hall of Fame talent, with DJ Moore (who Fields has a 142.97 passer rating when targeting) and use the picks from said Team to beef up the trenches for a playoff run next year.

As sexy as it is to clean house and start fresh, sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side and the devil you know is better than the one you don’t……or some other cheesy ass expression that applies. The point is, Eberflus was a goner halfway through the season and now that Defense looks legit. Fields looked like he’d reached a new low until he played the Commanders and he started flashing the pedigree that made him such a tantalizing pick in the first place. The DJ Moore acquisition looks genius and Bryce Young looks like a bust that will have David Tepper throwing overpriced drinks at visiting fans for years.

Fields doesn’t have the stats to demand top dollar, but can only improve with a better supporting cast. Which makes him the absolute perfect Quarterback to negotiate with at this juncture of his career. Sure he would have suiters in free agency (cough Atlanta cough cough), but is anyone really going to pay top dollar for a Quarterback with a 46.3 QBR and a career completion percentage in the low 60’s? Teams didn’t even come running for Lamar Jackson, so Chicago needs to use this leverage to focus on their team as a whole, not praying they find an unproven savior in the draft.

Option 2: Blow it Up and Learn from Past Mistakes

Puka Nacua was a 5th round pick and 38 year old Joe Flacco is outplaying the Sex Offender with the fully guaranteed contract. Sometimes life truly is unpredictable. What if Caleb Williams is the next Patrick Mahomes, are you gonna pass up on Patrick Mahomes again???? Sure he might not be all he’s cracked up to be, but neither was Fields so are you really gonna pay him? Spend the money elsewhere, you can mold a blank slate with a generational rookie and build an outstanding team around him to get him up to speed quicker. You tried nature and got the top pick twice, how about giving nurture a go!!!!

Instead of chasing your losses, you can usher in a new era of Bears’ football. One where quarterbacks might throw for 4,000 yards. One with a potent Defense AND Offense! Insanity is repeating the same thing and expecting different results, so try something new, put fans in the seats before your tickets cost less than a Starbucks drink, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll build a legitimate contender AND develop a top tier Quarterback.

The fact of the matter is, Fields is that boyfriend who just can’t stop cheating. You keep convincing yourself he’s changed and things are going to be better this time , but then you catch him in a live feed of your sisters’ OnlyFans account in that one compromising position that you wouldn’t try with him. If you’re at this point again asking the same question of yesteryear, then maybe it’s time to move on.

What Could Change Everything

Regardless of how the front office feels, the fans’ emotional state could drive this decision with a hilarious and vindictive opportunity sitting in front of the Bears this weekend. Their long hated arch rival Packers, who are rightfully questioning if this even deserves to be considered a rivalry at this point, need to beat Chicago to punch their ticket to the playoffs. Sure they could technically make the playoffs even with a loss, but that would require three other teams to lose, so the Packers will definitely bring their A game this weekend.

If Fields can lead this team into Lambeau, out-duel Jordan Love, and rip this teams’ heart out in the season finale, Chicagoans might build a statue of him. At the very least he will never pay for a hand job or deep dish pizza again. The ripple effects of a moral victory that momentous could absolutely complicate any ideas Bears’ brass have of hitting reset on the game’s most important position. Hell, they may be so drunk off a win like that it may cloud their own decision making as they look to the future.

So What Happens if they F%#* This Up?

No pressure, but the Bears simply cannot get this decision wrong. The Vikings beat the No. 1 Seed Niners when they had Kirk Cousins, the Packers are very young and clearly ascending, and the Lions just won the division for the first time since Bill Clinton was in the White House (which was like 25 flights to Epstein Island ago). The NFC North is rapidly becoming one of the more competitive divisions in football and Chicago has one division title in the past 10 years.

That ring from their 1986 Super Bowl Victory is looking mighty dusty (and lonely) and while Bears’ fans are amongst the most loyal in all of football, they have to be sick of not being a perennial playoff team year in and year out while the Packers appear primed to start making runs at the North again after a short sabbatical.

Whatever direction Chicago goes, they will be pushing their chips to the middle of the table and need to treat it as such. If you’re gonna stick with Fields, be aggressive in THIS draft and make it count. If you’re gonna start fresh with the Rookie, don’t spare a single penny in getting the best talent available to surround him with immediately. Otherwise this franchise will be living in the shadow of the ‘85 Bears for another 40 years to come.

[pint4punt]

The AFC West Has Become a Reality Show:

Inside the NFL’s Most Dramatic Division

Despite 75% of the NFL still being in playoff contention, it’s become impossible to ignore the drama in the AFC West. In 2023, following these teams feels like binge watching Selling Sunset. You know it’s a shitshow, but you can’t stop watching. You just have to find out who is gonna backstab who, who’s going to hook up, and who makes the worst deal (spoiler alert that was clearly the Broncos).

Before the start of last season, we detailed how we thought this could be the most compelling division in football in our previous article ‘Are the Broncos (still) the Worst Team in the AFC West?’ (Link here) And while it hasn’t been the most competitive division in football, it has been entertaining as all hell. Today we’ll take a look at how surprisingly and uniquely dysfunctional each team from the AFC West has been this year starting with the reigning Super Bowl Champions.

Kansas Pity Chiefs

That’s right despite winning it all last season and still being in the playoff mix this year, the Chiefs look shockingly beatable in the second half of the 2023 season. Travis Kelce is going on profane rants on his podcast while his Superstar girlfriend looks like she’s writing their breakup song up in the booth. Their receivers can’t catch a ball to save their lives, Kadarius Toney almost certainly has multiple bounties on his head, and Mahomes looks the most sexually frustrated he’s been since high school.

Their consternation reached its climax after the offsides call heard round the world when Mahomes finally snapped unleashing the full breadth of his vitriol on the officials despite them clearly making the right call. After being restrained and calming down, he turned to Josh Allen to hear about how he felt they didn’t get a fair call. Allen’s dismissive reaction echoed all of America’s sentiment towards Kansas City finally not benefiting from a flag.

Mas Vegas Raiders!!!!

If you’d told Raider nation that they would have fired their ‘fertile offensive mind’ in Josh McDaniels and benched their starting Quarterback for a struggling rookie, they would have gone on a bender the likes of which only Las Vegas can facilitate while writing off another lost season (though only after celebrating McDaniels’ well-deserved termination). Instead Raiders’ fans probably think they’re experiencing deja vu watching their decorated Head Coach being replaced with a relative unknown only for the team to overcome an avalanche of adversity and go on a potential playoff run.

After seemingly everyone even loosely affiliated with the Raiders told Josh McDaniels to go fuck himself and their now interim Head Coach shit on his greatest life accomplishments in a team meeting aimed at clearing the air, Mark Davis finally appeased his fanbase and shitcanned McDaniels in even fewer games than his division rival Broncos. Davis then handed the reins over to Anthony Pierce and Jimmy G was promptly benched. It was fair to assume the team was looking to the future and punting this year.

Instead the Raiders have a winning record under Pierce with back to back impressive divisional wins over the Chiefs and Chargers, the latter of which produced 63 points for the Raiders and resulted in another Head Coach firing for:

The Lost Angeles Chargers

Rumors of Brandon Staley’s tenuous grasp on his position persisted back to his team’s embarrassment of a playoff debut in which his defense allowed a shocking 21 point comeback in the 2nd half. While he was inexplicably retained, it seemed to go without saying that this was a major prove it year for the Defensive Mastermind whose team loaded with Defensive stars couldn’t play Defense.

Kellen Moore was brought in to help Justin Herbert take the next step in his development while providing a more potent yet balanced Offensive attack. As highlighted in our previous article ‘Revenge of the Nerd’ (link here) Moore’s hiring yielded dramatic red zone improvement and produced the best year of Keenan Allen’s prolific career. Despite this, the Chargers could never shake their reputation of always finding a way to lose games. So far this year they’ve gone 1-6 in one possession games, with the one win being against the Patriots in a game which neither team scored a touchdown.

When asked if his messaging was still getting through to the team, Staley responded affirmatively stating “Yeah, otherwise you’d get blown out of the stadium”. Four days later, they got blown out of the fucking stadium by the aforementioned Raiders. As funny as the Staley saga has been to follow, the big twist in the Chargers’ drama is the rumblings of who may replace one of the worst Head Coaches in recent history…..the greatest Head Coach in history. With the Patriots and Bill Belichick rumored to finally be parting ways this offseason, it would seem that the appeal of this Chargers’ roster has caught the eye of the evil emperor himself. Belichick vs Reid twice a year? Yes please!

Denver Uh Oh’s

As dramatic as this division has been as a whole, it comes as no surprise that the team featuring a guy hated by the team he won a Super Bowl with and the guy behind Bounty Gate, would be the Jerry Springer to every other team here’s Maury. Things got spicy before the season even got underway with Sean Payton basically calling Nathaniel Hackett the worst coach in history and suggesting he kill himself.

After those comments, Payton’s squad went on to get 70 hung on them by Miami (T-2nd most in NFL history), lose to the very Coach he torched, and starting 1-5 before going on a shocking 5 game winning streak beating Josh Allen and getting their first win against the Chiefs in EIGHT years. Things were looking up until their momentum was stopped dead in its tracks with back to back prime time losses to Detroit and New England, the former of which led to Sean Payton’s now viral tongue lashing of Wilson. Despite Payton’s comments about Hackett’s tenure, his regime has been more of a media circus than an orgy between the Kardashian family and the NBA All Star Team.

And they’re ending this season with a bang as the long awaited Russell Wilson breakup is now official with this week’s announcement that Jarrett Stidham will start the rest of the season. This move is surprising on many fronts. The least controversial of which is the fact that this team is still in playoff contention with two games left. The juicier aspect of this move is the manner in which it transpired behind the scenes.

After that long-awaited victory over the Chiefs, a truly triumphant moment for a team that has struggled since Peyton Manning gave them their last championship, Broncos’ brass suggested Russell Wilson’s injury guarantee made him a giant pussy and that he should gamble his financial future on not getting hurt the rest of the year. Needless to say, Russ forced their hand and now the Broncos are back where they started before the Russ trade sans several valuable draft picks and players. That hardly seems to matter to Sean Payton, as he is clearly past the point of trying to make this marriage work. As a wise Hall of Fame Tight End recently said on Thursday Night Football: “Why is divorce expensive? Because it’s worth it!”

[pint4punt]

Are the Eagles Actually Invincible?

The fact that the city of Philadelphia is still standing after both their Baseball and Football teams lost in their respective championships might be the greatest testament to the city’s resiliency. Quite honestly, we assumed their fans would have leveled it in a fashion that would make Israel and the Ukraine look like premier vacation destinations. Alas, here we are in 2023 and while the Phillies once again came up short and the 76ers lost James Harden, the people of Philadelphia have rallied around their 10-1 Eagles.

Despite losing in the most exciting Super Bowl since…..well the Eagles’ last Super Bowl appearance, Jalen Hurts and Co have shrugged off any notion of a slump after coming agonizingly close to their 2nd Lombardi. Sure, they’ve faced scrutiny all year for winning in ugly fashion, but no matter how they got here, they’re still basically undefeated (sans one what the actual fuck defeat at the hands of the now benched Zach Wilson). Philly’s path to victory in 2023 has undoubtedly looked different than it did a year ago. You could easily argue that they SHOULD have lost their last three matchups. Which raises the question, are they lucky……or are they so damn good that they can win any game no matter what happens? Today we’ll look at their most impressive victories and what lies ahead, as we try to figure out if the Philadelphia Eagles are actually Invincible.

Week 7 vs The Dolphins

The high flying Dolphins set the league on fire to start the year, scoring 223 points through the first six weeks (including a 70 point nuclear annihilation of the Denver Broncos) leading up to their contest with the Eagles. This appeared to be the first real test of whether or not Philly’s success from their NFC Championship season could carry over into 2023.

Keeping Tyreek Hill, Raheem Mostert, Jaylen Waddle, and Tua in check is a tall order. Philly answered the bell holding one of the most well designed rushing attacks in the league to 45 total rushing yards while picking off Tua and keeping both Hill and Waddle under 100 yards. Making this victory all the more impressive was the fact that Jalen Hurts spotted one of the most offensively potent teams in the NFL seven points and played in a brace the second half and Philadelphia still won 31-17.

Week 9 vs the Cowboys

Sure beating the Cowboys in a high profile game is basically the equivalent of fucking a prostitute, it doesn’t really count. But these are divisional rivals that know each other well and the Washington ‘whatever the fuck they’re called nowadays’ had Philly clinching their assholes both times they squared off this season. To make matters worse, Dak actually showed up for this one and honest to god outplayed Hurts throughout the entirety of the game until it really mattered.

Which is what has made Philly so special this year. They win ugly, but they always find a way to step the fuck up and make plays when they matter the absolute most. Even after taking a shot to the same aforementioned knee and gimping off the field before halftime, this relentless bastard came out slinging it in the second half, throwing touchdowns to DeVonta Smith and AJ Brown.

And while their Defense tried like hell to give this game up with 56 yards spotted to Dallas via penalties, the fact remains that nobody is better at giving games away in mind boggling fashion than Dak and the Cowboys who drove down the field to reach the 6 yard line down by five with less than a minute to go. Luckily for Philly, clock management and not taking sacks in big moments are not points of emphasis in big D and the Eagles escaped with a win after tackling CeeDee Lamb short of the goal line.

Week 11 vs the Chiefs

If the Eagles were going to prove to the league (and themselves) that they were still that perennial contender from last year in the wake of growing skepticism in media circles, what better opportunity to do so than in Arrowhead Stadium against Patrick Mahomes and the defending Super Bowl Champion Chiefs that edged this squad out for the trophy last year?

The first half certainly didn’t instill confidence as Kansas City not only jumped out to a 17-7 lead, but absolutely dominated in the trenches and ran all over Philly’s Defense in complete counter-intuitive fashion to the Eagles’ identity. As if all that wasn’t enough, the Eagles had to think they were back in Nam seeing Jalen Hurts nearly fumble and Kadarius Toney’s trademark elusive kickoff returns.

Once again they were outplayed overall with the Chiefs netting 336 yards to the Eagles 238 while notching five sacks of Jalen Hurts to the Eagles’ one sack on Mahomes. But while Hurts and Co made less plays, they made plays when they had to whether that was gash runs from D’Andre Swift, bombs downfield to Devonta Smith, or their infamous ‘Tush Push’ that is just such a royal bitch to stop. On the other side of the ball, their Defense pitched a shutout in the second half (with a little help from the Chiefs’ Receivers complete inability to….well receive).

Mahomes did everything in his almighty power to lift up his team, but unfortunately he couldn’t throw the perfect game-winning pass AND catch it as their comeback victory literally slipped through Marquez Valdes-Scantling’s grossly overpaid hands.

Week 12 vs The Bills

The Eagles and Bills couldn’t have come into this matchup with greater dichotomy. The Eagles had snatched two victories in a row from the jaws of defeat and were inching closer to that coveted one seed, while the Bills were desperately trying to keep their season alive as they traversed their own stretch of death. It took damn near the entire first quarter for the action to really get underway, but Philly struck first with their infamous Anal Assault (yes, that is our preferred nomenclature and we will be pushing that moving forward to hopefully get that rebrand to catch on)!

But Buffalo’s Defense came to play and Josh Allen delivered arguably his best game of the season, mostly limiting his mistakes while leading the Bills to over 500 yards of offense on the day coupled with 3 total touchdowns. For the second week in a row, Philly found themselves down 17-7 at the half. Surely they couldn’t steal a win down two possessions for the second week in a row?

It’s fair to ask if these ass fondling sons of bitches made a deal with Satan himself, because Teams just don’t win this way consistently. Rumblings of deals with the devil were only exasperated by unfathomably bad officiating when a clear and obvious horse collar penalty on Haason Reddick was conflated with an inexplicable intentional grounding call on the Bills in a crucial red zone situation.

Despite another team having them by the balls and mostly outplaying them, Philly once again managed to pull this one out of their ass (noticing a theme here?). Whether by means of grit, luck, shitty officiating, or (most likely) black magic, the Eagles overcame multiple turnovers and a nearly 14 minute time of possession deficit as Jalen Hurts ran in for the game winning touchdown in overtime.

The Ultimate Test

Despite being 10-1, Philadelphia has been more scrutinized this year than Russia’s military strategy in the Ukraine. But no matter how they got here, the fact of the matter is they have faced an onslaught of the best teams the NFL could throw at them and beaten them all. Well, almost all of them. Week 13 could very well be their greatest test in the Sirianni era. Vegas certainly seems to think so, as somehow the team that has beaten the defending Super Bowl Champions and lost one game on the year is a three point underdog against their next opponent AT HOME.

We’re talking of course, about the San Francisco 49ers, the Eagles’ hated arch nemesis of the last 11 months. The Niners are basically fielding the Avengers on one side of the ball and the Justice League on the other. But you know, instead of the Flash, they’ve got Ezra Miller armed with a lethal combination of steroids, angel dust, and a chair loaded with rusty nails. You’d have to be Beethoven living under a rock on Mars to not have heard the shit talking between these teams in wake of an NFC Championship that reached its climax faster your first time. 49ers’ fans and even some players maintain that had Brock Purdy not been knocked out of the game on his third pass attempt, Super Bowl 57 would have been a rematch of Super Bowl 54 instead of an historic duel between Hurts and Mahomes.

Who the fuck knows what would have happened, but what we do know is the anticipation from last year’s conference championship has only accumulated and carried over into this regular season matchup for the ages. There’s a better chance of Israel and Hamas having a tea party while Hilary Clinton blows Donald Trump in the corner than these fan bases seeing eye to eye. Make no mistake, this is the game of the year and it is very personal.

But enough about the behind the scenes drama, let’s look at how these teams match up. Let’s start with the Defenses:

San Francisco Gold Diggers

-Pass Defense: 12th

-Rush Defense: 2nd

-Scoring Defense: 1st

-Red Zone Defense: 13th

-Total Defense: 5th

Philadelphia Chirpers

-Pass Defense: 29th

-Rush Defense: 3rd

-Scoring Defense: 20th

-Red Zone Defense: 29th

-Total Defense: 19th

Advantage: San Francisco

Clearly the stats back up tales of Philadelphia’s secondary woes and San Francisco’s acquisition of Chase Young. So how about the other side of the ball?

San Francisco Gold Diggers

-Passing Offense: 8th

-Rushing Offense: 7th

-Scoring Offense: T-3rd

-Red Zone Offense: 6th

-Total Offense: 3rd

Philadelphia Chirpers

-Passing Offense: 14th

-Rushing Offense: 8th

-Scoring Offense: T-3rd

-Red Zone Offense: 5th

-Total Offense: 9th

Advantage: San Francisco (slightly)

These teams are neck in neck in rushing statistics and virtually tied in scoring offense. But the Niners obviously have the edge when it comes to Passing Offense (who knew!), Rushing Offense, and Total Offense while Philly really only has a slight advantage in the Red Zone. But what about the most important position in the game?

Carson Wentz Who?

-Completion Percentage: 67.6%

-Total Yards: 2,697

-Rushing TDs: 11

-Total Touchdowns: 18

-Interceptions: 10

-QBR: 63.3 (7th)

-Career Game Winning Drives: 8

Mr. Irrelevant

-Completion Percentage: 70.2%

-Total Yards: 2,871

-Rushing TDs: 2

-Total Touchdowns: 19

-Interceptions: 6

-QBR: 75.2 (2nd)

-Career Game Winning Drives: 1

Advantage: Philadelphia

While Brock Purdy has better stats in almost every major category, Hurts has proven he can win in the wildest fashion imaginable, in stark contrast to Purdy’s record when he doesn’t have every one of his super stars available.

Today’s Implications

If the Eagles lose to the team that has sworn they should have represented the NFC last year if not for a freak incident in the conference championship, then there will be huge questions about this team even if they have the One Seed locked up. It will also likely validate the rampant skepticism of Philadelphia that has lingered throughout the 2023 campaign.

If they win, it will all but confirm they are truly unbeatable and we might as well give them the damn trophy now (but you know, fuck that playoff football is tits). If we go purely off of statistics, it’s hard not to pick San Francisco in this matchup. But it’s hard to count Philly out when they’ve built their 2023 campaign off winning games they arguably shouldn’t. Regardless of how this thing shakes out, let’s just hope we don’t get screwed on this matchup two god damn years in a row!