I haven't posted on here in awhile, and honestly I cant guarantee as I'm not a very avid blogger. When he left I was broken, sad and unhappy. I was lost and 145kgs of weight clawing my way out of depression and self hatred. Assuming I wasn't good enough and accepting one night stands from men who knew I couldn't get any better, had a feitish and a kink for plus sized women (not that there is anything wrong with that) but it wasn't healthy for me, it wasn't happiness for me, it wasn't going to be the rest of my life; that life wasn't good enough for me.
That was in December 2020, it is now 18 June 2022 and I am 89kgs of weight, remembering what it was that made me love myself and my interests. I am resetting boundaries and navigating day to day life to the best of my abilities? was it easy? Fuck no. Was it an improvement, Fuck yes and was it all worth it, I say yes but honestly the proof is in the pants from a size 22-24 to a size 12-14, a S or medium in most Australia stores. From the morbid obesity and short life expectancy to the healthy, active and sound lifestyle I have created. Yes the life change was definitely needed and was definitely worth it.
How did I do it? I turned junk food into sometimes food, yes I still have bad days, where a Whopper with cheese heals my heart. but I earn it, I eat in a caloric deficit, and after awhile the cravings became for food that was good, it was chicken and veg sometimes, it was steamed fish with vegetable and rice other times then when I felt like a steak, and a side of vegetables it was that. I went from walking 500 steps in a day to averaging 8-10.000 steps in one day, I now crave the fitness atmospheric lifestyle, I changed to experiencing life, painting, gardening and walking new places and exploring this world that we have been so lucky to live in. (did I sound like a sales commercial just now?) fear not im not selling anything. Im just expressing myself as people do through boredom or a new to reach out and help people.
I went from stagnated life, to a moving and changing one, not all change has to be bad. I work, I work out. I explore life. I do something to make money, to benefit my mind, body and soul. I learnt knew skills, and grew as a person inside rather than grew more outward in physical size.
Do I still have bad days, yeah. right now for instance I have the flu (not covid) and isn't it funny how I felt the need to write that in brackets now after the pandemic the last couple of years-ANYWAY- I have the flu, I am now 30 and single so I snuggle at home with my chihuahuas whom are looking at me like, sorry mum but we want to go for a walk on a cold and windy day and I wanna cry because there is nobody else here to take them, My chihuahua-son takes revenge by pissing on the bed spread, and I cry and start the washing machine.
let me in on a little secret I am learning, it is 100% ok to NOT be ok, you can cry and feel the things you need to feel. you can debate wether or not its ok to have a second cup of yea or 4th cup of coffee in the day. when you have the flu ( As I do now) you can pause the gym for a day or two to let your body heal.
Do you get upset that nobody else is here to care for you, to meet your many needs; someone else could wash the pissy sheets... yes I do. but then thats just apart of life and I let those feelings go.
IT is ok not to be OK, even after rebuilding yourself.
It’s just one of life’s many changes.