I don’t remember the day or even the month, but I remember the feeling vividly. I was wandering aimlessly, searching everything and nothing, then all of a sudden there it was. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The things they were saying were things I’d thought, things I wanted, things I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone. And here they were - men and women - talking about those feelings I had, one darker than the next, and giving it - all of it - a name.
Dominance and submission.
I started reading and couldn’t stop. I flitted from room to room, watching the conversations roll by, the experiences people shared with me and other anonymous faces behind a screen. They were open and honest and raw. I don’t know how much time passed before I took an effective breath, but with it came the realization that I was not alone. I was not a freak. What I wanted - no, what I needed - was something other people wanted and needed, as well.
That was 20 years ago. Now I look back and cringe quite often, but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I have a lot of ‘If I knew then what I know now…’ moments, but I wouldn’t go back and do it again, because you have to go through it to learn it. You just do. Because your track is different than the next person’s, and to learn what you need to learn takes living it yourself.
So what does twenty years teach you? Here are some things I’ve learned:
Not everyone likes the spotlight; it’s ok to live D/s very privately
It’s ok to make things like rope bondage and tickling hard limits; it’s ok to make anything a hard limit
Dominants can use a safeword or otherwise stop an activity
You can be the one to walk away; you don’t have to be ‘released’ from shit
Liars and cheaters will always lie and cheat
Moving quickly rarely leads to longevity
Your gut is never wrong; listen to it
It’s ok to not look like a fetish model; most people don’t
Sex can feel good even without orgasming
Squirting orgasms are a bit of a parlour trick; and they don’t always feel as good as other types of orgasms
You deserve as much pleasure as he does
If the effort isn’t there in the beginning it never will be
You can kneel in slip-on Converse just as well as you can in heels
You can be a kick-ass submissive and not own a single piece of lingerie
You can defer to someone and respect them as a leader even while watching Netflix and eating steak nachos with your fingers
Dominants can get sick and be huge babies and still be worthy of obedience and respect
Not every Dominant is an executive with an expense account
Submissives can make more money than their partner
You don’t have to say 'Daddy’ to feel it in your bones
You can love someone and not be a match
Toxicity isn’t gender specific
Wanting to be wanted can lead to seriously poor decision-making
It’s ok to demand more for yourself; having standards solidifies self-worth
Self-esteem requires active management
Submission doesn’t cease to exist when you’re single
Submission doesn’t end when you hit 30 or 50 or 70
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do
You have to use your voice
Every time I start to think how things have changed over the years I have to stop and remind myself: Nothing has changed but you. Sometimes I think about that 27 year old, that 34 year old, hell - even that 40 year old, and I cringe. The mistakes she made. The positions (literally and figuratively) she put herself in. How much mental and emotional energy she expended on him. How much she didn’t know.
How much more she still has to learn.
But I’ll tell you what: If the next twenty bring as much joy as the last twenty, I’m in for a helluva ride. And I want all of it - every bump and swoop and whirl. The twists and turns are what make you who you are.
And I’ve learned to like that girl.
titsay
kianamaiart
jacobvanloon
jbbartram-illu
baratheonpilled
2087
snowghoul
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
