You Have No Control

who lives ; who dies ; who tells your story Cora Leoni Arlington // Gryffindor // Seventh Year

[mistakes-and-secrets]

luckyfin-nathan :

“Why wow?” He said confused by her confusion. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Oh - no! No, absolutely not.” She waved a hand thoughtlessly, the sharp pull at her shoulder causing her to hiss in pain. Right. Still, she barrelled on, offering an apologetic smile despite the urge to wince and curl in on herself. “But I know Martin, and the two of you are...different. You’re both really great people, but I just...hadn’t expected that, is all. It’s pretty cool.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

Lunch sounds great to me! This weekend sound good? We can meet up at a cafe or something in Hogsmeade and hash out a plan from there if you want? -Malinda

For the life of her, Cora couldn’t stop smiling. A second letter was a good sign. A great sign, actually. Confirmation that - yes - this was a mutually agreeable plan, and Malinda had been genuine in her acceptance before. A dangerous part of her head still whispered that it could still fall through. There were still a hundred opportunities for something to go wrong, and every chance that the other girl would cancel. But, still.

Still.

Cora’s smile didn’t falter. Because fuck that. Just this once, she could take a day. An afternoon. A moment. Even if they never spoke again, she could smile for this. So with the thought that her cheeks might hurt after a couple of minutes, she hurried to write a response.

[mistakes-and-secrets]

Hey, I'm back in town and I was wondering if you were still up for that trip to the zoo? I just figured with all the hoopla around Hogsmeade and the olympics and stuff a fun trip might be a good idea. Let me know! - Malinda

In the still silence of the motel room, Cora could only stare at the letter in her hands, fingers brushing absentmindedly over the words there. Despite the absolute sincerity that Malinda had spoken to her with, it still came as a surprise. In all honesty, Cora wouldn’t have held it against her if the offer had been subtly pushed aside in favor of dropping communication. Hell, a lot of people would have done that.

And yet, that wasn’t what had happened. Despite herself, Cora couldn’t help but feel a surge of hope at that. Had she used ‘hoopla’ is a casual setting? Cora felt her mouth twist into a smile, and suddenly, that felt like dangerous territory. Because friends were complicated - messy, really. Terrifying, something in the back of her head supplied, and she caught her bottom lip with her teeth.

A beat, and she shook her head. She had lost so much in such a small amount of time, for god’s sake - one more motel room and her resolve might finally break. So maybe, just maybe, a trip to the zoo with someone who had actually made her smile wasn’t a bad idea.

A stubborn smile settled on her lips and she dug through her bag in search of a pen, determined to write back before she could second guess herself.

[mistakes-and-secrets]

luckyfin-nathan :

“I’m Nathan, Nathan Monroe? You know, of those Monroes. But really don’t judge me cause of my brother, he isn’t nearly as cool as I am.” He smiled brightly. 

The mention of munroe hit her like a damn freight train. It caught her entirely off guard, and for a pause, she could only stare, smile slipping away in favor of parted lips. A beat, and then she drew back a little, less careful of her arm, and tried to keep her expression composed. “Oh?” Was her voice higher? “Munroe, huh? So...so, Martin is your brother?” And, god, that couldn’t be right. They were opposites, and somehow, she felt somewhat exposed now. Which, honestly, was ridiculous, so she nodded once, to clear her head. “I mean, I guess I can see it, with your - ah, faces. But...yeah. Okay, wow.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

likeateatray-inthesky :

“Yeah!” The fact that she was actually making plans with someone made her a little giddy. “Oh good, because I was scared of quite literally everything as a kid, especially reptiles. They give me the heebie jeebies.” A pause. “I’m going home for a little bit, but when I come back we can make plans? If you wanna actually do this. It’ll be fun, I think.”

“Aw, hey - I don’t blame you, there. Reptiles are weird as hell. I’ve got your back, though, for sure.” There was an edge of excitement now, manifesting in an odd sort of restless feeling that, surprisingly, wasn’t unwelcome. Cora tucked her hands into her pockets to keep them still, unable to shake a wide smile. “Yeah - sure, sure. I mean, it sounds like fun, and I haven’t been in ages, so I’d like to. If you want to?”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

ti amo || catfish

Dear Cora, 

This is it, I’m finally leaving. Things with my boss went about as well as i could have expected. He didn’t really like my options, but we came to an agreement that satisfied both of us. I’m getting on a plane in just a few hours, so you won’t see me again for awhile. But I know you’ll do well and I look forward to seeing you again. 

I have a favor to ask you. Well, two favors. I can’t explain why, I just need you to trust me on this. First: Don’t ever go near the Black Minotaur club. Don’t get involved with anyone connected to that club. I don’t care what they offer you, I don’t care what they promise or threaten, it’s not worth it. I know it seems like it’s your average dance club, but there’s a lot happening beneath the surface, and if I ever meant anything to you, you’ll stay away. 

Second, I have a friend I’d like you to check up on. In London,  there’s a muggle dance club called the Lightning. Cam is one of the bartenders there, with bright blue eyes and she’s constantly dyeing her hair, but she favors red. I leave it up to you if you want to mention me or not. But if she asks, just tell her that I wish her the best and I hope she’s happy. She’s an amazing girl. I think you two would like each other. 

Thank you for everything this past year. I’ll talk to you soon. Take care. 

Kat

A soft sigh pushed past her lips, too loud in the silent room, and for the sixth time, Cora read the letter again. Somewhere in the back of her head, she wondered if she had been holding her breathe before that. Every word felt heavy on her chest, and everything she had been putting off worrying about was suddenly real, and more painful than she had figured for.

It didn’t have any right to hurt her like that, considering Kat had talked the vast majority of her plans through with Cora in person, but those had been plans. There had been time left before Kat moved away. Between the physical letter in her hands and the fact that it had officially happened, there wasn’t any reason to put off the residual emotional reaction which she had been trying to desperately to ignore.

With hands that only slightly shook, she folded the letter gently, the movement feeling oddly final. There was a certain vulnerability in letting someone get so close, and it felt awful when that person wouldn’t be close any longer. And while Cora knew, in her head, that physical distance didn’t necessarily equate to a wedge in their relationship, she couldn’t help but feel like it might not be such an outrageous concern. Doubt would always linger, and while she counted on keeping up correspondence with Kat, she couldn’t count on the knots in her stomach growing any less taut.

In the motel room, sitting on an already-made bed with knees tucked against her chest, the word ‘lonely’ dug a pit in her stomach. She was hanging on, but odd jobs could only keep her afloat for so long before desperate measures called in their dues. Part of her thought that, maybe, it would be easier to keep her head up if a certain strong slytherin could still wrap an arm around her shoulders.

That, she thought with a note of heavy desperation, that wasn’t going to be easy to accept. With the two of them, there had always been a certain level of tactility in spending time together. For once, she hadn’t felt pressure to return casual touches, and hell, she would always be grateful for that. Kat was more than any friend she had ever pictured herself having, even in distant daydreams. 

Dragging a hand down her face, she forced herself to breathe. Letting herself sit in that godawful motel room with tears at the back of her eyes felt like the natural progression of a best friend leaving, but there was more than that. She should get up and head somewhere - the gym, maybe - where she could do something and stop herself before she fell apart entirely. She should focus on everything that she had, despite the distance. She shouldn’t cry.

She shouldn’t cry.

Wiping at the damp edges of her eyes, she forced another shaky exhale, and stretched out her limbs. Kat, of all people, would understand the need to keep from fraying at the edges. And wherever she was in New York, Cora hoped for one hell of a beautiful new life for her friend. 

Cora was finding that she knew very little, about a lot of things, but Kat deserved another shot at life; that much, she knew for certain.

[mistakes-and-secrets]

sincerely yours || self

Addie, I’m sorry I left without saying anything. A friend called, and I really need to be there for her. I've talked about Kat, so you know who I’m with, and that I’m perfectly safe. I promise everything is okay, but I think I need to stay with her for a little bit until things are sorted out.

I left presents for you and Clara underneath the tree, so feel free to open those tomorrow morning. I’m definitely going to ask that you record reactions, though, because I have a couple of fun ones that might make you laugh.

Spend some time together, okay? You both work so hard—you deserve a break. I love you both, with all my heart. Merry Christmas.

Love, Cora

Cora, I hope this finds you soon, love! We were worried sick until we found the letter. Well, Clara found your letter, to clarify. She’s sitting beside me as I write this, and she was bound and determined to ensure I included that detail.

Anyways, we hope your friend is alright! I won’t pry, because it really is her own business, but we’re here if the lovely Kat needs anything at all. Please extend our help, alright? And even if she would rather not accept it, I’m very glad to hear that she has a friend like you.

If you can, stop by before you leave for school. You never opened your presents from the two of us, and there are certainly some things you would adore. We both love you, and while Clara is insisting that she loves you more, I insist otherwise. Please take care of yourself.

With all of the love in the world, Addie and Clara

Addie/Clara, I know I didn’t end up coming home, and I’m sorry for that, but things were almost disastrous over here. Everything is calm again, and she is safe, but I had to be back in time for school to start up again. 

I’ll see you in a couple of months, though! Please take care of yourselves, and keep warm. This winter is apparently deciding to be colder than predictions made it out to be. 

Love, Cora P.S, Clara, don’t let Addie overwork herself. She did that last January, and I’m pretty sure she went five days without sleeping. I’ve never seen someone consume that much coffee.

Cora, We figured as much. I’m glad everything worked out, love. Be sure to keep in touch though, if you can. I know you don’t need someone to worry over you, but I do think I might sleep better at night knowing that you haven’t been kidnapped. I hear hot chocolate helps combat the winter, though. At least, that’s how we’re surviving over here.

We’ll see you for graduation, Cora! Best of luck finishing the year!

All of our love,

Addie &  Clara, P.S, You have no proof of this occurrence, therefore it didn’t happen.

Addison, Unfortunately, graduation was moved from next week to tomorrow, on an apparent last second whim. I doubt you’ll get this in time, and I’m incredibly sorry for that. I promise you, it won’t be anything exciting. Who even likes boring ceremonies? We’ll do something fun when I’m back in town, I promise.

Please take care of yourselves, and stay safe.

Love, Cora

Cora, First of all, please stop calling me Addison. You aren’t my mother, for heaven’s sake.

I’m sad that we missed your graduation, though! We’re both so sorry, love! I wish they might have seen the sense in putting out a letter, or some sort of bulletin to explain the date change. That’s very upsetting. Also, Clara claims that you are wrong. According to her, Catholics enjoy boring ceremonies. The two of us would know, and unfortunately, she seems to be right.

We’re both incredibly proud of you, love! Please let us know when you plan on coming back home, alright? I don’t know if you’ve already made plans with friends, but I do hope you plan to come see us soon. We’ll make a lovely day of it when you do.

Congratulations to our badass graduate, Addie and Clara

Cora, Dear, we haven’t heard from you since before your graduation? Letters can always get lost in the post, but we wanted to check in, regardless.

We love you very much, and we hope that your summer has started out alright. Your family, Addie & Clara

Addie and Clara, I am so sorry, oh wow. I’ve been incredibly busy, sorry. That’s probably surprising, but I’ve actually been staying with a friend for a bit. Kat will be going away soon, so we’re determined to spend as much time together as we can. 

I promise I’ll be home soon, though! Just keep keepin’ on without me, ladies. Please stay safe.

I love you, Cora

[mistakes-and-secrets]

likeateatray-inthesky :

Malinda chuckled when Cora looked around as well, shrugging a shoulder as though resigned to the fact that she’d just have to go to the zoo alone or not go at all. When she agreed to a trip to the zoo, Malinda’s face lit up again. “Yay! I feel like it’s been ages since the last time I went to a zoo. Maybe this time I won’t be scared of half the animals.”

“Yeah?” Cora caught her teeth on her bottom lip, trying and failing to keep from smiling wider. Their conversation had gone from a joke to a real plan before she could overthink it, and maybe that was a blessing in disguise. “Hey, if the animals start looking really threatening, you can stand behind me. Professional zoo bodyguard - I’m pretty sure that’s on my business card.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

luckyfin-nathan :

“Perfect!” He smiled. “You just will have to wait a few years, put in a few good words for me. I’m 15.”

“Fifteen?” Cora resisted the urge to shake her head, the pounding there still too present for that. “Well, you’re already doing great, here. I wasn’t half as cool as you are at fifteen.” She settled back against her pillow a little more, careful to be subtle, and offered him a warm smile. “What’s your name, future quidditch star?”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

katnotmowse :

Kat wasn’t sure about deserving. Not anymore. The person she had been a year ago, two years ago, Kat would say that she deserved a chance for happiness and a fresh start. Her self from a year ago seemed so much more passionate and hopeful. So innocent in a way. Of course, she’d never been truly innocent, but that person had really thought she could balance her life and change the world if she had enough grit and nerve, and she’d had that in spades. Kat now was someone who had to constantly talk herself through each day, through the loathing and hate and exhaustion that seemed to make up her entire personality. If she was lucky, maybe she’d have the chance to rediscover that person she had been. But she didn’t count on that anymore. And she wouldn’t have her best friend at her side as she did it.

She wasn’t going to lay any of that on Cora though, and she vowed to make the time they had left together a good memory for both of them. So she smiled and gave Cora a gentle squeeze. “Of course I’ll blow them away. After all, I won’t stop writing and someone has to speak up for women’s rights. Have you seen what’s been going on in the States recently? it’s a nightmare. I’ll have plenty to do. And I’ll be sure to tell you all about it. I can tell you to keep your eye out on some of the New York papers. I’m sure you’ll recognize my style quickly enough.” And that way she wouldn’t have to put her new name down in writing for Cora when she discovered it either. The girl was smart, she would put things together soon enough.

With each word Kat spoke, Cora found herself feeling a little less numb. She still felt the overwhelming urge to curl in on herself, injury be damned, but Kat’s voice and the solid presence against her side was enough to ground Cora. Sharp truths had mixed with dangerous hypothetical in her mind, but she shouldn’t think about that now, when their time together was already apparently limited. The reality was that her best friend - hell, one of her only friends - would be leaving in the blink of an eye, for a new life that might have Cora in it, should she somehow pull of the miracle of all miracles and piece her own life back together. That much was true, but Kat was there now, at Cora’s bedside after one hell of a head injury, and that was also a reality. Maybe, she could choose to focus on the one truth that didn’t threaten to break her heart.

“Its a train wreck over there, god. Yeah. They could use your voice. You’re going to make a difference, I know it.” She aimed for a smile, missing her target when it didn’t stick for more than a brief pause. Letting her head drop once more to rest against Kat’s shoulder, she pushed a sigh from her lungs. She was bone tired, between the lingering pain in her shoulder and the sudden emotional weight of their conversation, but sleeping sounded like just about the last thing she wanted to do. She wanted to make every second with her best friend count, so she gave Kat’s hand another squeeze. “Make me a promise, though. Just...” A sad smile pulled at the corner of her mouth, her voice soft. Cora looked down at their interlocked fingers and tried to press that feeling into memory, for whenever she might need it when Kat was gone. Don’t let me forget. “Promise me you’ll try their pizza. I’ve heard stories. Tell me if it lives up to the hype.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

likeateatray-inthesky :

Malinda nodded seriously before shrugging it off and smiling again. “The zoo sounds like a lot of fun, actually. But if I go, I cannot go alone. That would just be sad and boring.” She looked around for a moment before continuing, “But where would I find someone nice and fun to go with me?”

“Oh?” Cora quirked an eyebrow, a slow grin spreading across her features. “Yeah, I’m not sure about that. Anyone here want to spend a day at the zoo?” For added effect, she took a pause to look around as well, before shrugging a shoulder in mock-defeat. “Yeah, you know what, I don’t see anyone around. But, I guess I could make a decent stand in. You had me at good company and penguins.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

luckyfin-nathan :

“You’ll tell people you know me? Please! I’m going to tell people I know you! When you become the best player in the league of course.”

Cora laughed, and really, the unbridled joy in the moment was worth the way her chest ached afterwards. “The best player? Oh man, you’ve got high hopes for me.” She grinned and reached forward, just enough to gently nudge his shoulder with the back of her hand. “Tell you what - we’ll be great players together, then. Take ‘em by storm. How does that sound?”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

likeateatray-inthesky :

Malinda grinned at how light their conversation was. If she was honest, she definitely preferred these kinds of conversations over the woefully serious ones or any type of serious ones, really. “Fantastic. I’ve always wanted to go see the penguins…although I guess going to a zoo would work just as well. Or whereever that one place is that has them that’s close to antarctica but isn’t? South Africa? Or was it the bottom country in South America?”

“Uh, I think that’s it? South Africa, yeah, that sounds right.” Cora lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug, still smiling at the other girl. She seemed nice, even if their conversation was both new and a little strange, and Cora couldn’t help but feel a little grateful for that. “The zoo is definitely an option, though. I haven’t been in years, but I’m pretty sure they still have penguins.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

katnotmowse :

Kat sat, waiting, for the first time, really hoping. Hoping that she would be given this one gift freely instead of needing to barter for every goddamn inch she had. She hadn’t intended on asking, had only considered giving her a long goodbye and a letter. But she also knew Cora was the only one she would ask. Long ago, she might have asked Cam, but Cam had a girlfriend and a life without Kat and missing memories because she had been Kat’s friends. Last year she might have asked Max, but so much of what they had been had broken when he’d left to fight a war that wasn’t his, and neither of them had spoken since. She’d had a few halfbaked notions of trying to find him when she got to the States, but there was no guarantee he would even consider opening the door when she arrived. She was just so tired of being alone and on guard every minute of the day. She was removing the second part of the equation. Wouldn’t it be possible to erase the first as well?

But from the first broken syllable, Kat had known. No. She wasn’t going to be that lucky. Because the thing was, once again the person who had her heart was one of those damn chivalrous Gryffindors. The kind who fought for other people first and who stayed to fix things even when all of their instincts, maybe even their heart, told them to leave. She wasn’t them. She wasn’t as selfless or self sacrificing. That’s why she was going to be taking enough evidence to jail half of the powerful men of this country and leaving with it, because she was too scared of what would happen to her if she tried to follow through on that and try to make them pay. She was taking it with her, because then it would mean they would leave her in peace. So she wasn’t Max. She wasn’t Cora. And she would run alone. 

“Okay.” She pressed a quick kiss to Cora’s forehead, trying to comfort her. After all, she was technically in the hospital, and Kat had managed to hit her with a huge bombshell. If she had to swallow a few tears of her own, that was the one thing she could do. She’d had plenty of practice at that. “I understand. I’ll still write you when I’m over there. As often as I can. And, if you ever finish fixing things and you want to follow, all you have to do is say. I can get you whatever you need when the time comes. Though, I would ask that you keep this a secret. No one else knows I’m going, and I can’t explain why. Or how. So it’ll be easier if I just, vanish. But I’ll write. Always. I promise.”

Cora felt helpless, staring fixated at the wall ahead but not really seeing it. It hurt    fuck, did it hurt   to tell Kat no. No was the last thing she wanted to say, the word dragging like weights on her chest, making her feel heavy and trapped. She wanted to sweep everything aside and tell Kat yes; yes, she would drop the chaos that had become her fear-driven life, in favor of starting something new and beautiful with her best friend, one of the only people she trusted with everything she had. She wanted to say yes to a new start, so full of hope, but she couldn’t. There had never been a place in her life for so much hope, and seemingly, it would remain that way. 

But Kat would have hope, and that meant more than any escape route Cora could dream of being offered. It meant everything, because Kat meant everything. Tucked in her own self-made corner of carefully placed distance and lack of trust, Cora had found someone she truly trusted. Another guarded girl with careful boundaries that, by some luck or miracle she still couldn’t put a name to, she had slowly dropped just enough to let Cora in. There had never been pressure or obligation to do or say anything, but Kat had always been there, firm and kind and the most stable part of her tilting world. If anyone deserved to find happiness, or even a chance at it, it was Katrina Mowse, who had fought the world so many times, and never left Cora’s side as she tried to face her own demons. And while Cora wanted to say yes, so desperately that it stung her eyes, she wanted Kat to have this more. So she would find solace in that, and maybe, despite the ache in her heart left behind by Kat’s absence, that would be enough.

“Okay.” She pushed the word from her lungs with a shaky exhale, grounding herself with the feeling of Kat against her side. Even for just another moment, she was there. She wasn’t gone yet. “We’ll write, always. I-” Her voice cracked, raw and vulnerable, and normally, that would have scared her away from talking. Instead, she looked up, craning her neck to see Kat, and clutched her hand tighter within her own. “You deserve so much. This. A chance to run your own life- fuck, you deserve this and so much more. You, you’ll blow them all away, you know that? I, god, thank you.” For everything. For knowing me. For staying here. For being Kat Mowse. For caring. For trusting. She tried to smile, sad and far too weak, and when she spoke, her voice was nearly too soft for her own ears to pick up on. “Thank you.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

justbecareful :

Martin couldn’t help the small smile as Cora spoke, relieved that she got what he was saying.  But, at the same time, he couldn’t help the twisting in his gut while she said all that about him.  No one was lucky to see him, really.  They tolerated him, sure, but he wouldn’t consider anyone lucky.  And, if she really tried to do that every day, then she’d just get tired of him and then everything would be ruined.  Honestly, if he even stayed here another minute, she’d realize her mistake.  Martin’s smile slipped, and he leaned back a bit, unsure of what to say next.  Of what to do next.  Because, as much as he was racing to suddenly leave, he wasn’t ready to give up the illusion, or to pull his hand away from hers.  So, he just dropped his head, resting his chin against his chest and just feeling the weight of her fingers, giving them a small squeeze while he tried to figure out the words to say.  A plan of action.  “You should–I should let you rest.  You’re hurt, and–and tired, probably.”  He swallowed, lifting his head again to look at Cora and doing his damnedest to not wear his heart on his sleeve, or to let anything he was thinking or feeling play across his face except for the concern for her well being–a friendly concern, since to go any further would be disaster.  “You’ve had a long day.”

No. By some miracle, she kept from saying it out loud, but it was there, on the tip of her tongue and in the way that her whole body screamed to reach forward. To pull him closer. To tell him to stay. Briefly, she thought of asking him to stay until she could fall asleep, but she pushed the idea away faster than it had appeared, gaze dropping to their hands. The desperation was back, so quick to send her heart racing, and she didn’t want that. Martin would leave, and then what? They would see each other again, maybe. Things would be alright, maybe. He wouldn’t want to see her after she had asked for too much and ruined everything, maybe. This moment out of time   their moment    had simultaneously been too much and not enough, and in staring at the possible end to it, Cora felt a little helpless. She couldn’t tell him no, but hell, she wanted to. There was so much that she wanted to say, or maybe do, but there was too much fear there to make them anything more than thoughts in her head. So she drew a shaky breath and nodded, just a slight movement to keep her head from spinning anymore than it already was. And, really, with the frequency that he kept sending her pulse into a frenzy, she couldn’t differentiate the head injury from Martin anymore. “Yeah...yeah, okay.” She felt small, the things that she wanted slipping too quickly from her grasp. To ground herself, she squeezed his hand in hers, trying and failing to wonder if that was the last time she might be able to do that. “And, you probably need to sleep, anyways. But, thank you.” For everything. For being you. “For staying. I usually freak out when I wake up alone, in a weird room. But, you know, waking up to you was nice.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

justbecareful :

His heart jumped at the way she said his name, and really, all he wanted was to hear her say it again.  It was soft, inviting.  Comfortable.  Everything that he wasn’t.  Martin swallowed, wishing his breathing was calmer than it was while he looked at her looking at him.  But, his breathes were as irregular as his heartbeat, hammering away like they were racing his thoughts.  How he wished he hadn’t said anything.  How he wished he said more.  Wanted to know what he’d even say.  How, for the briefest moment, he’d caught her eyes lingering and, Merlin, how he wanted to do something about it.  How that feeling stayed stubbornly in his chest and his arms, leaving him numb with the electricity of standing on the edge of something and not knowing if it was better to leap or to run.  “Handle it,” he whispered back, afraid of what happened if he broke the quiet they’d settled into.  Honestly, he’d forgotten what ‘it’ even was.  Her–or, being around her.  Looking at her.  Something like that–things he could handle.  Or, at least, that he wanted to be able to handle.  That he wanted more than anything, at this exact moment in time.  But, even as he sat there wanting and wishing and listening to the sound of his heartbeat roaring thunderously in his ears, as he focused his eyes on her  and the way her own eyes seemed to be drinking him in in equal measure, he realized that he couldn’t handle it.  This was too uncomfortable, too out of the ordinary.  It was too much.  His words caught in his throat as he tried to speak, coming out as nothing more than a squeak–an undignified noise that felt as out of place in this situation as he himself did.  “Just–because you said–you know.  You asked.  If I could.  And, um–it–nowt hat I think about it, it was probably rhetorical, but–I could do it.“  He couldn’t. “I could definitely handle looking at you every day.”  Dammit.  “Or, uh–the–the jokes.  The bad jokes.  I mean, I promise mine are worse, but–I wouldn’t mind.”

God, there was so much silence. Too much. Between every word, the still space seemed to stretch on for an eternity, which was doing all kinds of terrible things for both her sanity and her heart rate. She wished, desperately, that she could find a way to look away, instead of staring. Or to leave, instead of staying. To hell with injuries, she could handle that. This was unfamiliar, and everything she had promised to keep far enough away to never deal with, and yet. And yet. She could only lay there, torn between the push and pull of her thoughts that manifested itself like a physical ache in her chest. She wanted to do something, for all that she was worth and then some, but that couldn’t be right. Years of careful words and actions, only to stop? Or, maybe it would be starting. She couldn’t debate it, because he was speaking again, voice cracking in a way that pulled at her heart. And that was too much. It might have started off as a joke, but it sure as hell didn’t feel anywhere near that anymore, spoken in such a small space with his hand still in her’s. His words felt too close to real, scraping at her lungs every time he opened his mouth. It wasn’t the exit she might have been seeking out, a large part of her wanting to shut down their   fuck, whatever this was    before she did something that really ruined everything. Instead, it tethered her further to the moment, a soft exhale following after he spoke, disbelieving and almost awed. She ran the words through her mind again, wishing she could press them into her goddamn bones, so that she might never forget that someone could say that to her. That Martin could say that. Right then, there was only Martin, the rest of the world standing silent around them, and she wished she could keep hold of that, for as long as he would let her. “You...you could.” Softer still, she spoke, instead of questioning. Her eyes flickered across his face, unsure of where to settle, and suddenly, she wished that her other arm didn’t hurt as much, so she could reach out to him with it. Maybe brush aside the stray hairs he had carded his hands through so many times. “You wouldn’t mind.” She was echoing him, and it took her a moment to realize it, teeth catching her bottom lip as she paused, just briefly, to make herself stop. “I...Martin. I think I could do it, too. Looking at you all the time. Bad joked included.” She wanted to move, but she stayed, instead lacing her fingers with his a little more neatly, touch still gentle and unsure. “I- anyone would be lucky, to see you every day.”

[mistakes-and-secrets]

justbecareful :

“Too many bad jokes,” he agreed.  We’ll have to come to an agreement, draw up a contract on when jokes are and aren’t allowed.”  As Cora went after his height, again, Martin huffed and wrinkled his nose.  But, he let it go.  For now.  The conversation moved away too fast for him to respond, so he held his words under his tongue, hidden away for when the moment was right.  “I think that counts as blackmail,” Martin said in response,staring up at the ceiling as if deep in thought.  “No, definitely sure that’s still blackmail.  Or, just very intimidating, at the least.”  He gave a small smile, dropping his eyes down to hers.  And, without warning, he opened his mouth and let out all of the things he had been holding on to before.   “By the way, I wouldn’t always be looking up at you.  I mean–I’ll just have to make you get down on my level, every now and then, won’t I.  Like–like…now, for instance.  I can look at you just fine.”  Martin made a point of shutting up and doing nothing but looking her right in the eyes, but he could feel the heat creeping up his neck and his stomach turning.  After what felt to him like a short eternity, he very quickly dropped his gaze back to their hands.  As if that was any better.  It took him a brief moment of moving his mouth, silently trying out the words before his voice came back to him and he got it to sound exactly how he wanted it to.  “I think I could handle it,” Martin half-whispered back at her, voice low to try and keep it even and to keep it private, should anyone happen to be listening in at the exact moment.  For whatever reason (and there were many), he didn’t want anyone else to hear.  Just her.  For a million reasons, for no reason, his entire body was on high alert.  Honestly, it felt a little like he was dying–not that he knew, but he supposed this was what it would be like.  Martin cleared his throat a little, shifting every so slightly and hesitantly glancing back up at Cora from under his lashes.“I could do it.”

“A contract?” Without overthinking it, she grinned, finally something more than an anxious semblance of a smile. Which was great, because it was so much easier to joke than it was to continue in her vulnerability. “Starting to think this through, are we? Damn, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.” Her voice was still too soft, but there was another joke, more than likely, sitting on the tip of her tongue. When he shifted the topic before she could continue, the light tone of humor slipping away much faster than it had developed again. Which, really, should have been fine. It would have been, if he hadn’t goddamn stopped talking. It was sudden enough to throw her entirely off guard, again, like a carpet being pulled out from beneath her feet. Cora could only stare at him, lips still parted in surprise, and for a minute, her brain shut down. The room fell away, moving from silent to nonexistent as she tried and failed to pry her gaze from his. As if she could, or wanted to, when he was looking at her with such fixation and determination in eyes that were already so easy to get caught up in. They were silent for god knew how long, but it felt anything but. The tension felt loud, her thoughts whirring in some incomprehensible scramble as she tried and utterly failed to get a grip on her composure. In the stillness, she was so aware of him. They felt even closer when there was only silence to fill the space between them, and it struck her how easy it would be to lean in further, to close that space. It felt so small, but somehow so wide, and so she lay frozen, breath caught in her throat and cheeks a little warmer than they had been a moment ago.

 If it had been difficult to look away from his eyes when they were laughing, it was impossible to look away now, when he demanded her attention without so much as a single word. And that   that, fuck   should have been a red flag. A warning sign. Any usual control she held over her own head was dim, if present at all, and this was frightening territory. The kind she damn well avoided at any and all costs. Despite all of that, despite logic and goddamn past experience, she couldn’t stop looking. She couldn’t start breathing, either. Then he spoke, and her eyes dropped to his mouth. A soft exhale slipped past her own lips, so clearly unsteady, and she leaned forward, only a hairsbreadth of a movement. And that couldn’t happen, so forced her gaze back upwards. Mistake. Her pulse tripped, once, twice, when she met his eyes again, eyelashes casting the thinnest, barely-there shadows against his cheeks in the oddly lit room. And fuck, that wasn’t fair. “Martin...” Her own voice was scarcely more than a whisper, and she almost didn’t recognize it. And he had said that he could do something, but her head was still spinning, and she wasn’t sure what that was. But God, she knew what she wanted it to be. “You...you could what?”