Fumbles & Mumbles

19. College Junior. Sometimes Lost in Translation, sometimes just lost. Looking for purpose and meaning. Trying to change the world one good deed at a time.

[mixmatchmich]

My mother is master manipulator. I've know this for a fact since I was in high school, but let it go because she is my mother. However, I don't know how long I can stay like this.

Living by myself for a while in college was the only freedom I got away from her and now, I feel caged again.

I hope I can be free again someday.

[mixmatchmich]

It's Been A Year...

It's been a year. A year since we started, no, stopped talking to each other. A year since I loved you like I had never loved anyone else before. Have I moved on? I don't exactly know, have I? The pain you left me with stands to remind me of my delusions. How I pictured myself with you, how I thought I could finally be happy with you, how I believed that you actually cared for me. But, I was wrong. You never cared about me. You listened, yes. You heard me, yes. But I don't think you cared.

That night, the night I wanted to tell you how I felt about you, you ran away. You left me hanging cause you didn't know what to do or how to respond to what I was going to tell you. But you knew. You knew what words were going to come out of my mouth. You knew what I would say to you. You knew how I felt. You knew exactly how I felt about you and you chose to run away from it. A few months after, you were back on your feet, courting your bestfriend. You once told me that you had no feelings for her. You said you were just friends. You said nothing will ever happen between you two. And yet, here we are, a year later and you guys are still together.

I understand that I can't make you like me. I know that I can't force you to have feelings for me. But what I don't understand is why you lied to me. Why did you assure me that you had no feelings for her if you were going to do this? Why didn't you just tell me? Why weren't you honest to me about it?

Please don't go on about not wanting to hurt me, because you still did. You just didn't want to be held responsible for hurting me. If I was your friend, if you truly cared about me, why couldn't you just tell me the truth? I would've understood you. But instead you kept it from me. You told our friends about it and you asked them to keep it from me. What does that imply? It implies that you knew. You knew how I would feel about it. You knew that it would hurt me. You knew that if I found out, I wouldn't even have the guts to get mad at you because I was so in love with you.

Why did you hide it from me? Liking someone isn't a sin. I wouldn't hold it against you. So, why??? Did you feel guilty??? Did you feel scared? Did you even really care about how I would feel? Or did you just run away again? Why didn't you just tell me the truth??? You are a coward. Is this what you want? Do you want me to be mad at you? Do you want me to scream, and shout, and hurt you? Do you think that would absolve you from the pain you caused me?

Who am I kidding? You probably don't even think of me anymore. You've probably forgotten all about me and what you did to me, the pain you've caused me. After all, you're living your dream. You're with your bestfriend of 7 years. Finally, after pining after her for so long, you finally got the girl. The girl that your once bestfriend had. The girl that you've been madly in love with all this time. The girl I knew you loved from the start. Maybe, I chose to believe in your lies. Maybe I thought that if I believed in what you were saying, they might just come true. Maybe I lied to myself so that I could love you.

I was wrong. Looking back, I was mistaken when I chose to love you over loving myself. I thought for once, someone has come into my life to make me happy. I failed to realize that my happiness shouldn't depend on you or anyone else. My happiness is my responsibility. I forgot my worth. I forgot that I was worthy of being loved, truly loved. I blinded myself from the truth because I didn't think anyone else would love me or understand me or listen to me like you did. I wanted to grab onto you because I didn't think anyone would ever find me worthy of love. I forgot that I was the one who gets to decide my worth. I am the only one in this goddamn world who knows what I'm worth. This time around, I'm choosing to love myself first. I'm choosing someone who chooses me for a change.

[mixmatchmich]

How Not To Ruin The Friendship

This is my dilemma now. The friendship, that flourished long before my feelings for you did, how do I save it? All the memories of what could have been remind of the possibility of us. How do I move on from you? All the feelings that grew from hoping that one day we could be together. How do I let you go? The feelings that used to drown me in love, now drown me in grief. How do I get my feelings to fade?

I miss you so much right now. I miss our talks and our weird conversations. I miss our banter and all our jokes. I miss teasing you and taking jabs at you. I miss your presence. I don't know what to do to get you back. All we have left is a dead chat and awkward silence. When we see each other, our eyes barely meet. Even if they do, we both look away so fast that it makes me wonder 'why does it have to be like this?' I lie in bed with tears in my eyes hoping that the day would come and everything will be back to normal.

I'm scared because I'm running out of time, of excuses, of reasons to see you, meet you, talk to you, bother you or just be with you. Once all those excuses are used up and gone, how will I ever have the strength to talk to you again? How will I ever have the chance to revert things back to the way they were before you knew. I miss you so much that it hurts me so much to know that you're doing fine without me. Are you fine without me? Or are you just pretending, like me?

I make myself seem okay by being all chatty and bubbly. I set up this facade of a strong independent woman who needs no man. I pretend like it no longer hurts by opening up to people, but the more I open up to them, the more I realize that I am still so hung up on you. I write and I write until I have nothing left to say, but it doesn't matter, does it? Because I don't get to say these things to you. I don't get to tell you how you make me feel, nor do I have the strength to even say "Hi! How are you?" In all honesty, I'm stuck and I don't know how to move forward from it.

I wish you'd make the first move. I wish you'd let me know that it's okay, that we're okay. Growing up, we never talked about our problems. We just merely waited for then to go away. I always waited for someone to make a move or to tell me what to do. Maybe that's why I don't know what to do with you. Maybe that's why I'm so scared. Because all I've ever known was to wait. Wait for them to let me know that I can come closer, wait for them to signal to me that everything's better. Can you please give me that signal?

Even though I plea or beg, I know you wouldn't because like me, you too are waiting. Like me, you too are awkward. Like me, you too have your fears, your traumas. Why did I have to like someone who was so much like me? I guess that's why you understood me when no one did. I guess that's why I felt so close to you to begin with. I guess that's why I liked you. I liked you because I knew that you understood me. And now, it's exactly why we're drifting further apart.

I know now what I have to do. For the friendship that I wish to save, for the memories that I hope to cherish, for the bond that I hold so dear, I have to be strong. No more waiting for you to make a move, no more waiting for signs or signals. If I want to save this friendship, I should do something about it. I don't want to be awkward around you anymore. I don't want us to drown in silence. I don't want us to drift apart. I'll start the conversation and I'll bring back the jokes. And even though it hurts, I will try my best to smile through the pain and hope that eventually it gets easier. All things do, in time.

[mixmatchmich]

The darkest of times remind you of the brightest of days. When things get tough, always remember that times can be better.

And they will be.

[mixmatchmich]

Thank You For The Friendship

It's funny that on a cold dark stormy night, I find myself writing about things that make me grateful. I'm grateful for this warm blanket, these comfy clothes, this cup of hot chocolate, and these quiet moments to just think and write as I look outside my bedside window.

It reminds me of my how grateful I am to have friends that bring comfort. To have friends that would be there for you, whenever you need them. To still have friends, that despite not seeing them for certain periods of time, they still wanna be with me. I am grateful for friends that accept me for me. Regardless of whether they think I'm sketchy, weird, crazy, or bubbly or when I make them feel confused, puzzled, or just mindblown, they choose to still be my friends.

Honestly, I don't think I deserve them. I don't think I'm a good friend. I'm barely there, I don't keep in touch, and I'm so hard to come by. There are times when I would cancel plans and meet-ups that have been drawing for months at a time, just because on that day I didn't feel like going out. And yet, they'd come to me with understanding and choose to be there for me during the moments I couldn't even be there for myself.

I feel grateful that even as I write my thoughts onto paper, my phone buzzes with messages and invitations to come out and be with them. I know I often decline, but that's because I'm afraid of getting too attached. I have been called clingy in the past, and well, I've been burned for it. I try to pace myself and not get too close because I fear abandonment. Ever since I was small, I've always been taught to hold my guard, to not let people in and to only trust family.

However, there will always be that set of friends. Those friends who connect with you on levels deeper than family. Those friends that you can trust fully, be yourself fully, and just feel at home. This group that no matter what happens, and no matter what the storm drags in, they will not wither. They stand firm, strong, and stubborn. These are the people who no matter how hard you push them away, they choose to stay. These friends who mean absolutely everything to me, they are my family.

You guys are the reason for my sanity. During times of hardship and heartache, you persist. During times of awkward silences, and nervous breakdowns, you make me laugh. You guys were there for me when I couldn't even trust myself, when I couldn't even see my worth nor value. During times wherein I emptied my cup for others, you filled mine. Love doesn't always have to be with a special someone. Love comes from anywhere and anyone. Thank you for your love and understanding. For it, I am forever grateful and inspired.

[mixmatchmich]

Why I Don't Regret Liking You

Looking back, everyone who has ever found out that I liked them always ended up avoiding me. Perhaps, my feelings were a burden to them. Perhaps, they didn't want to be associated with someone like me. But not you.

You didn't leave me even though you knew that you didn't like me the way I liked you. You didn't run away when people started teasing us. You didn't say hurtful words that would degrade my personality. Instead, you were open. You shut them down firmly and respectfully.

You emphasized that from the very beginning, we couldn't be together and you wouldn't want to hurt me. You always said that once someone becomes your friend, you try not to like them anymore because you value friendship over any other relationship. You remained my friend and pretended like you didn't know about my feelings for you. That was how I liked it. I found comfort in the belief that for as long as you didn't know that I could like you, I could go on liking you. I could go on pretending that there could be an us. I could go on fantasizing about our future together.

I could spend hours of my day wondering about our future home, our future kids, what they'll call us and what stories we'd tell them. We continued going out as friends and everytime I would come home, I'd recall every moment we had together that made my heart flutter. I wasn't scared to like you while I was under the illusion that you didn't know. But that was all it was, an illusion. I kept myself from the truth because I was scared that if I acknowledged what you knew, I would lose you too.

And right now, I feel like that's exactly what happened. I feel awkward at the slightest mention of your name and I can't even look you straight in the eyes anymore. I miss the times when we hid our inside jokes in the form of glances. When one look was enough to let you know what I was thinking. I miss the times when I could tell you everything about my day from the most mundane things to the most elaborate of thoughts.

My friends are your friends, and that's the hardest part about it. It's because I see how good you are with them, I see how you're okay with them and how we're not. My fault for being awkward. I just don't know what to say to you anymore, I feel so embarrassed, so shy around you now. I wish I could take back that night and make it like nothing ever happened. I miss you so much that I find myself staring out the window and just thinking of you, of how we used to be.

It's not the end of my book, nor is it the end of our story. I'm simply turning a page and writing a new chapter. Your impact in my life has been way too big for me to even consider letting you out of it. I value our friendship so much more than any relationship we could ever have. I just wanna keep you, not because of how you make me feel, but because you make me wanna be a better person. I've learned so much from you and I can never predict what role you'll have in my life, but all I know is that our story won't end here.

If you're reading this, please know that I sincerely apologize for being awkward, for acting out of character, and for burdening you with my feelings. I never wanted things to get out of hand, nor did I ever expect that things would unfold the way they did. I knew you already knew way before that night happened, but I always thought that we had a silent agreement that we could never be.

But still, I hoped that even if we're not "together," we could just be together with no apprehensions, no pretenses, no awkward vibes nor do we drown ourselves in silence when we're together. All I want is to have you back as my friend. I want the laughter, the jokes, the feeling of being safe in your arms. The feeling of being at home when I'm with you. I don't regret liking you because you did everything right even if we're not all right now.

[mixmatchmich]

With And Without Expectations

On the first day of every class, professors always ask the age-old question of "What do you expect from this class?" Ever since I was in high school, I've always answered it like this, "Expectations usually lead to disappointments, therefore I do not expect. I merely hope for the best and prepare for the worst."

The same goes for love. There is a huge difference between loving with expectations and loving without. In an ideal world, I would prefer the latter for it spares you from heartache.

Loving with expectations usually lead to heartache once the person you choose to love does not reciprocate the same kind of love to you. It preempts you to think that every relationship has it's own stages and that at every succeeding stage feelings should grow and flourish. However, that's not always the case. You may be able to control how you feel, but you can never dictate how somebody else should feel.

Loving without expectations spares you from the trouble of ever getting your hopes up. It allows you to love selflessly, fully, freely and with no bounds. No fears, no inhibitions, no worries nor insecurities. You simply choose to love without expecting anything in return.

Why do we expect? Is it because of their actions? Their words? The way they make us feel when we're with them? Or perhaps, it's the infinite possibilities that all stem from a single 'What if?' Maybe it's the way that you look at me, the way your eyes smile when we're together, the way we share jokes that only we could understand, the way we exchange looks that only we could decipher, the way I feel so close to you even if we're miles apart. These are the little things, and it is these little things that make me hope that we could be together.

It is in these exchanges that you set your roots deeper into my heart. It is in these moments that I feel our souls coming together as one. The feeling that I don't even have to say a word and yet you understand me perfectly. These are the moments we spend in silence and yet everything is just out in the open.

The truth is, I could never love without expectation. I could only merely hope to not get hurt. With each and every moment I spend with you, I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. The more I fall, the more I fear losing you and the threat of you finding out increases. Once you do find out, I could only expect you to leave just as all those who came before you did. So, I tell myself before it's too late and before I get hurt to stop, to hide, to get rid of my feelings for you. And yet, here I am with my feelings no longer afraid of them, no longer fearing that you would push me away, just merely waiting for them to fade.

[thepersonalquotes]

[mixmatchmich]

If only it were that easy...

[mixmatchmich]

This is exactly why most people choose to pretend to be someone they're not...including me.

[mixmatchmich]

How Does It Feel To Fall In Love?

It all happens so fast and yet, so slow. It takes you in by surprise, but all the signs were there. It's so unexpected and yet, so predictable. Falling in love isn't intentional, but it feels predestined.

I fell in love with your smile, your eyes your wit, your kind heart. The way you proved my first impression of you was wrong. The way your eyes glimmer in the light. The way you make other people smile. The way you get along so well with my friends and my family. The way you make me laugh. The way you make me feel when I'm with you. The way you get me. How you make me feel like I could forget all my worries and how I could just stop pretending to be someone I'm not.

Whenever someone asks me "Why do you like him? What do you see in him?" I realized that I'm not one to dwell on looks rather I focus more on personality. I fall in love with people because they surprise me. Very few people surprise me because everyone seems so predictable now. We all try to play a character and be somebody for someone, that we tend to forget who we are. And yet, here we have the few, the ones, who own who they are and ultimately, they just surprise me.

You surprised me when you chose to stay despite always being the first one to leave. You surprised me when you stood up for me despite hating conflict. You surprised me with your child-like innocence despite having a bad reputation. You surprised me by staying by my side as I cried myself to sleep.

You became my shield, my tower, my home. When I'm with you, I feel safe, understood, and cared for. Growing up, I was so used to taking care of everyone that I always put myself last and yet here you are. I've only begun to get to know you, and yet, you put my welfare before your own. You cared for me and looked out for me, and all these things were new for me.

No, this isn't a love story. Rather it's a story about love. It wasn't always easy getting to know me. I had my walls built up so high, just so I wouldn't get hurt. I set up defenses to prevent myself from heartache. I pushed you away again and again and yet, you kept coming back. You stayed when I got mad at you for fighting my battles. You stayed even when I stopped talking to you because I was starting to have issues with myself. You stayed even during the times that I annoyed the hell out of you. You stayed because you cared. You stayed because you loved me too. Or so I thought...

Maybe you stayed out of pity. Maybe you stayed because you felt bad for me. Maybe you stayed because you were just being a good friend. After everything, maybe you stayed just because you wanted to, not because you loved me back or liked me back. Or maybe you did, but just not in the way I wanted you to love me.

In reality, I never heard you say those words. I never truly knew how you felt about me, but I did hope that I wasn't the only one who had feelings. However, loving someone doesn't always guarantee reciprocity. Loving you didn't mean that you would love me back. And now, I realized that's okay.

[mixmatchmich]

An open letter to the girl who fell in love with her friend

I grew up believing that romantic relationships are temporary, but friends are forever. This mentality has pushed me to be firm in my beliefs that the boundary between friends and lovers should never be breached. This, however, contradicts my dream or hopes of falling in love with my best friend.

"Why," you might ask, "do I aspire to fall in love with my best friend?" Well, the answer is pretty simple. It's easy to fall in love with someone who already accepts you for who you are. Someone who understands the way you think, the way you act, and why you are the way you are. Your best friend is someone who has been there for you through thick and thin, they are the person you go to whenever something happens in your life and you just want to share it with somebody. It's a lot less complicated as compared to starting over again with someone new.

The thing about falling in love with your best friend is the risk that comes with it. The risk of either keeping them or losing them forever. So, before I even act on my feelings, I always ask myself if it's worth the risk of losing this person forever. A mentor once told me that if you meet someone that you'd like to keep in your life, you do something about it. Whatever it takes, because it is so rare to find someone whose soul resonates with yours. Someone who you can connect with on a deeper level. Someone who just understands.

I get so scared of losing someone so close to me that I would rather swallow my feelings for them rather than risk losing them forever. This is where the belief of not breaching boundaries is reinforced. I would rather have them by my side as my best friend as compared to losing them as a lover especially when I am so certain that we could never be together.

This happened to me recently and for the past few weeks I've been trying to resolve my feelings for him. I didn't know how at first, or if I would even be able to resolve these feelings. However, I realized that the more I repressed how I felt about him, the stronger the feelings grew. So, I decided to talk to a few mutual friends about it, and fortunately they were able to help a lot.

I learned that instead of running away from my feelings, I should face them head on. After a while, it starts getting easier and the feelings start to fade. The more comfortable I am talking about it, the less I feel for him. I realized that if I wasn't okay, I wouldn't even be able to say anything about how I felt for him. I found myself seeking closure and resolution.

These are the moments in life when you realize that there are things that could only be learned through experience. This is the day after the storm comes and a rainbow appears. The day when things finally start to seem brighter, better, and the grass greener. The day when you finally realize that after shedding all those tears and experiencing all those heartaches, you've grown to be a better version of you.

[mixmatchmich]

I used to think that being single was tantamount to being lonely.

However, as I continued on with being single, I realized that being alone didn't mean that I was lonely. I got to know myself more and be with myself more. I got to do things and feel things that I never have before. I realized that you're only ever truly lonely when you forget to love yourself.

As for me, I kept myself company, learned more about myself and who I was when I didn't have to depend on others for my thoughts or decisions. I used to dream of having my person. Someone who I could run to and talk to, cry to and laugh with, love and hold and share my most intimate moments with. The best realization I had was that I could be that person. I was my own person.

[mixmatchmich]

In the darkest of times, there will always be light.

Sunsets remind us that all days come to an end. It emphasizes that darkness comes just as it is supposed to. Everything may be okay one moment, but chaotic in the next.

However, you may put your worries to rest, for in the night there is the moon and there are the stars and they shine for you amidst the darkness of the night. Fending off the shadows of the night and lulling you into a deep slumber.

Up until, a new sun rises and new hope springs. A new day filled with countless opportunities begins. Never lose hope, for the world reminds us that every end welcomes a new beginning.

[mixmatchmich]

Lost. Confused. Helpless. Numb. Out of sorts.

These are the things that I've been feeling in the past three weeks. Currently, I'm on my 1-month summer break and this was the only time I had to look back and evaluate myself. In order to give you some context to the matter, I am the type of person who would rather run away from my problems instead of facing them.

For the past few months, I've been running away from all sorts of problems by keeping myself preoccupied with friends, trips, alcohol, academics, and orgs. Yet now, the time has come for me to finally face my problems because I am getting really tired of running away.

The moment I chose to face them, I wasn't prepared for how heavy everything would be nor was I prepared for how unsettling the feeling of it sinking in felt like. Suddenly, I was feeling everything then in the next moment, nothing. I felt like I had completely died. I couldn't feel anything. I tried to fake my way back to happiness, just like I had always done, but this time it was to no avail.

I knew it was time. It was time to finally ask for help, to finally get everything out and unload my burdens. And yet, I found myself at a loss. To whom shall I confide in? I realized I was the type of person who had many friends, but rarely any of them genuine enough to care. Who do I turn to? Who do I run to?

[mixmatchmich]

Doctor Who Fandom: A bunch of relatively normal People obsessed with a weird-as-all-fuck show.

Sherlock Fandom: A bunch of weird-as-all-fuck people obsessed with a relatively normal show.

Supernatural Fandom: A bunch of weird-as-all-fuck people obsessed with a weird-as-all-fuck show.

[mixmatchmich]

Note to Self

Numbers don’t define you Leave the past far behind you It’s okay to reminisce As long as you don’t miss The things in front of you Being distracted by someone else’s view What others think of you is none of your business So don’t get all flustered in being self-conscious Your grades don’t define your intelligence Neither do suitors define your attractiveness You are not your weight Nor are you your wealth Your height doesn’t reflect How high you could reach And your speed doesn’t show Just how far you can go Don’t let all your actions Or every interaction Be dictated by society Nor do it for conformity Just let go of your insecurities And embrace your inner beauty In the end, it really won’t matter It’s all just senseless chatter

[mixmatchmich]

Farewell, Obama

On January 10, 2017, outgoing President Barack Obama gave his Farewell Address in Chicago, Illinois where he began his political journey. He began his speech by reminiscing about how he started working with Church groups having conversations with people coming from all walks of life. He further discussed how they made him realize that these conversations helped him build a stronger relationship with his constituents. He focused his speech on Democracy and our role in it. He said "Change only happens when ordinary people get involved and they get engaged and they come together and demand it." He said that through democracy, we can achieve a perfect union between striving to achieve our own individual interests while still taking into consideration the common good or greater good. He noticed that in his 8 years of service, he was able to see people's capacity to change and make life better for others by restoring a sense of common purpose. That the current state of democracy is not about conformity or uniformity but it does require that we, at least, have a sense of solidarity wherein we realize that we're all in this together. Rising and falling as one. A shrinking world. Growing inequality. A changing demographic. Terrorism. Intolerance. Discrimination. These are some of the challenges that democracy faces in our society. With these democracy is bound to fail and breakdown. However, he states that democracies, in order to survive, must live on the following principles: Rule of Law, Human Rights, Freedom of Religion, Speech, Assembly, Press, and Thought. Nearing the end of his speech, he focused on the importance of participation and what it means to be a citizen. He emphasized how we, as ordinary citizens, could make a difference through collective action. That whenever something's bothering us or whenever something doesn't seem right, there is something that we can do about it. As an example he said, "Instead of arguing with someone over the Internet, why don't we go out and talk to them." Discuss with them and come to a compromise, a solution to our problems. Democracy needs you. Your participation, your involvement, your initiative, and for you to act on your values. Sometimes you'll win, sometimes you'll lose and sometimes the system and its processes may disappoint you, but this will inspire you and energize you to seek and demand improvement from your government. This is the concept of self-government.