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@mkblackw00d
er.. hi
my name is martin
i work at the magnus institute, i used to work in the library but i had to transfer out forā¦ personal reasons (fell in love with his boss)
he/him please
āāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāā
THERE WILL BE NSFW ON THIS BLOG. IT WILL BE TAGGED #DO NOT ARCHIVE AND # NSFT, AND ALWAYS PLACED UNDER A CUT.
[Martin knocked softly on Owenās office door before letting himself inside]
Hi love!! I got your note!! I brought sandwiches and stuff from the cafe across the road!!
[Owens face visibly brightened]
Hi love!
[Martin grinned, crossing the room quickly and setting the bag from the shops on Owenās desk as he pulled up the extra chair she kept in her office. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of his head before sitting down beside him and reaching for his hand]
[rose hummed happily]
Hi love .. I missed you.
Hiā¦ How has your day been? Iām sorry we havenāt spoken much, Elias gave me a huge research project I need to finish by the end of the weekā¦ Sometimes I feel like he gives me work just to give me work, none of it feels particularly important orā¦ supernaturalā¦
He's an ass, Martin. I figured he'd give you more supernatural things though....
[Owen took a deep breath and squeezed martins hand]
Have you heard of the fears?
Erā¦ yeah. Your new assistant came to speak to me about them the other dayā¦ Iā¦ Understand why you didnāt tell me. Itās a lot. Andā¦. one of them is after both of us for some reason and a different one runs this place and another different one is making Timā¦ like thatā¦ so. Er. Iām not upset with you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry. Uhm- I think I found a 'new' one? There's these new books popping up mentioning incidents, and I may have been stealing from the archives, and a lot of new statements just don't line up with any of the 'confirmed' fifteen, yknow the beholding, lonely, desolation, web, etcetera, this one seems more life based? I kid you not there was a statement about a magical pregnancy
[Owen noticed he had begun to ramble and it was probably sounding like blah blah proper name place name, and promptly shut up]
Sorry
[Martinās eyes had sort of glazed over, and he was smiling softly at Owen. He shook his head in a sort of āsnap out of itā gesture.]
No itās okay!! I er.. I donāt really understand much of this stuff butā¦ I trust you soā¦
[Martin knocked softly on Owenās office door before letting himself inside]
Hi love!! I got your note!! I brought sandwiches and stuff from the cafe across the road!!
[Owens face visibly brightened]
Hi love!
[Martin grinned, crossing the room quickly and setting the bag from the shops on Owenās desk as he pulled up the extra chair she kept in her office. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of his head before sitting down beside him and reaching for his hand]
[rose hummed happily]
Hi love .. I missed you.
Hiā¦ How has your day been? Iām sorry we havenāt spoken much, Elias gave me a huge research project I need to finish by the end of the weekā¦ Sometimes I feel like he gives me work just to give me work, none of it feels particularly important orā¦ supernaturalā¦
He's an ass, Martin. I figured he'd give you more supernatural things though....
[Owen took a deep breath and squeezed martins hand]
Have you heard of the fears?
Erā¦ yeah. Your new assistant came to speak to me about them the other dayā¦ Iā¦ Understand why you didnāt tell me. Itās a lot. Andā¦. one of them is after both of us for some reason and a different one runs this place and another different one is making Timā¦ like thatā¦ so. Er. Iām not upset with you.
[Martin knocked softly on Owenās office door before letting himself inside]
Hi love!! I got your note!! I brought sandwiches and stuff from the cafe across the road!!
[Owens face visibly brightened]
Hi love!
[Martin grinned, crossing the room quickly and setting the bag from the shops on Owenās desk as he pulled up the extra chair she kept in her office. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of his head before sitting down beside him and reaching for his hand]
[rose hummed happily]
Hi love .. I missed you.
Hiā¦ How has your day been? Iām sorry we havenāt spoken much, Elias gave me a huge research project I need to finish by the end of the weekā¦ Sometimes I feel like he gives me work just to give me work, none of it feels particularly important orā¦ supernaturalā¦
[Martin knocked softly on Owenās office door before letting himself inside]
Hi love!! I got your note!! I brought sandwiches and stuff from the cafe across the road!!
[Owens face visibly brightened]
Hi love!
[Martin grinned, crossing the room quickly and setting the bag from the shops on Owenās desk as he pulled up the extra chair she kept in her office. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of his head before sitting down beside him and reaching for his hand]
Martin š i miss you š come hang out with me in my library
@loneiibrarian
Iām on my way love!!!! Iām sorry iāve been so focused on work lately!!!
[Owen knocked on the door of martins flat. He picked at his nails, some of them bleeding]
Martin please open the door we need to talk
@loneiibrarian
Coming !
*Martin called from behind the door. A moment later, the lock clicked and the door swung open. He looked sort ofā¦ rough. He had changed out of his work clothes, instead wearing a pair of worn looking pyjama bottoms and a loose fitting Cambridge Uni t-shirt. His right hand was wrapped in bandages, and he was holding an ice pack in his left.*
Oh- Owen! Erā¦ Hi, love. Look if this is- if this is about Tim I- Iām sorry. I shouldnāt have hit him. Itās just he- Hold on come inside and sit down so we can talk properly.
*He stepped aside to let Owen in, sitting down on one side of the couch.*
[Owen walked into the flat, sitting on the floor away from the couch, not looking at martin]
I'm. I'm a little upset with you for hitting him. I'm a little upset with him for deserving it. I'm mostly upset with myself.
Iām upset with myself, too. I hate to get violent it really isnāt like me I just- he brought up my mum and- after what he said about you I just- I snapped. Iām sorry. I apologized to him, too. After I did it. I offered him an ice pack but heā¦ sort of stormed off and locked himself in his office. I left earlyā¦ didnātā¦ didnāt want to cause more trouble. Butā¦ why are you upset at yourself? Why are you sitting on the floor? Come and- and sit on the couch love the floor is dirty and cold
He kissed me. He called me to his office to talk about what happened and he. He kissed me.
*Martinās face fell. The edges of his glasses seemed to fog up as they had earlier.*
Oh. Oh and- and youāre here to- to tell me you made a mistake picking me. Right. Thatās- no thatās- thatās okay. I under-understand.
*His voice broke, but he tried his hardest to stay composed for Owenās sake*
[she reached under her glasses to wipe tears]
And- and i kissed him back... a... a few times. and i hate myself for it. So bad. i. I . I'm so sorry.. I love you I'm not- i- i didn't make a mistake picking you, martin...
*His voice was barely a whisper. It sounded far away, as if being heard as nothing more than an echo*
More.. more than once.. you- you kissed him more than once. right. if you want him you can- can just say that. i wouldnāt- wouldnāt want to hold you back. i love you. i just want you to be happy. if iām- im not enough to do that then- id rather you go be with someone who is.
*He was audibly crying now, his shoulders shaking with barely concealed sobs*
[rose moved over and took martins hands in his]
Martin love please... you do make me happy. you make me so happy. I'm so sorry i kissed him it was stupid of me to do... And i- i do... I do love him... I'm sorry.. But i love you. I love you i love you i love you
[Everytime she said it, he kissed one of martins knuckles but whimpered when we pulled his hands away]
I'm sorry....
*The skin to skin contact felt so good. The kisses on his knuckles felt so nice, so soft and gentle and genuinely remorseful that Martin was half inclined to tell Rose he could kiss Tim as much as she liked as long as he didnāt leave. But he didnāt. Instead, he pulled his hands away and drew a shuddering breath.*
Are you- are you going to keep kissing him. Was he- was he right? Do you just- just want me as a distraction?
You're- you're not a distraction... I love you.. And-
[His voice became small. how was she supposed to answer that. she loved Tim, and if liked the feel of their kiss]
I don't... i don't know...
I canāt- i canāt share you. It would kill me. I love you. I have for- for years. You know that. I told you that over and over again when you- when you stayed the entire weekend here. In my bed. With me. Telling me you loved me. You were the first person to- to tell me you loved me and then act like you meant it.
*He sobbed loudly, sounding as if he was in pain.*
I should have known this was coming. I havenāt been anyoneās first choice once in my life. I want you to choose me. To decide that you meant what you told me over and over again. I want you to stay with me more than Iāve ever wanted anything before. But I wonāt force your hand. Itās your choice. Me or him. Iāll always love you either way.
I-
[Rose chewed her lip. no matter what he'd say he would lose the other. He was shaking with tears, bawling his eyes out.]
I- I'm scared martin. i Don't want to lose either of you. i love you so much but- he's my best friend... my family...
He can be your best friend. He can be family. He can be in your life- in OUR life forever. Iām not mad at- at either of you for this. As much as I wish I could be. I just. I need to know youāre committed to me. That youāre- that youāre mine. Like you said you were.
Of course i choose you mart'n.... I- i meant everything i said to you... I... I can't let myself have anything good... You- you're so good martin...
*He reached out, grabbing Rose by the hand and pulling her carefully into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as he could without crushing him. He gently wiped her tears, pressing a careful kiss to the top of his head.*
Iā¦ I donāt know if I would call myself good. But if- if you think I am thenā¦ you deserve good things. Iām not going anywhere. I love you.
I'm so sorry.. I'm so so sorry
[She cried into martins shoulder, her chest feeling heavy]
i love you I'm so sorry please- please don't hate me
*Martin was sobbing too, clutching Owen to him like she would fall through his fingers if he let go.*
I could never hate you, Love. I love you I- I forgive you.
Please don't hate Tim either- i know you're jealous and- and he screwed up but- he's my best friend, amor.
I donāt hate him. I wish I could but I- I understand. I empathize with him, even. Youāre so, so amazing and ifā¦ if I were in his shoes I would have done something much more rash iām sure.
*He pulled back enough to look Rose in the eye.*
Will you.. will you stay? I know we have work tomorrow but you- you always wear the same stuff anyways and you can.. can borrow my pyjamas and we can walk together in the morning and Iāll- Iāll make you breakfast tomorrow and supper tonight I justā¦ Iāve been feeling really alone lately.
You being more rash than Tim is a funny thought amor.. Yes I'll stay
[Owen started kissing all over martins face and holding him tight]
We can both call in sick. I'll stay... i love you so much
I broke his nose love, Iām not exactly as level headed as I seem. Should I- er- send a get well card? Maybe send him a gift voucher or something? I do feel sort of bad I hit him so hard, I only meant to bruise him up a bitā¦
*He giggled, his eyes scrunching shut from how wide he was smiling at the kisses*
I love you.
I think he'd prefer cash
[Owen wiped tears from martins eyes and placed his glasses on his head so she could kiss his eyelids]
*Martin melted into his touch, feeling the cold fog retreat from his mind. Owen was his. She wasnāt going anywhere. They were in love and nothing would change that.*
You wanna just- just sit here with me for a bit? Or we can go lay down if youād prefer I just- all I care about is getting to hold you.
[Owen knocked on the door of martins flat. He picked at his nails, some of them bleeding]
Martin please open the door we need to talk
@loneiibrarian
Coming !
*Martin called from behind the door. A moment later, the lock clicked and the door swung open. He looked sort ofā¦ rough. He had changed out of his work clothes, instead wearing a pair of worn looking pyjama bottoms and a loose fitting Cambridge Uni t-shirt. His right hand was wrapped in bandages, and he was holding an ice pack in his left.*
Oh- Owen! Erā¦ Hi, love. Look if this is- if this is about Tim I- Iām sorry. I shouldnāt have hit him. Itās just he- Hold on come inside and sit down so we can talk properly.
*He stepped aside to let Owen in, sitting down on one side of the couch.*
[Owen walked into the flat, sitting on the floor away from the couch, not looking at martin]
I'm. I'm a little upset with you for hitting him. I'm a little upset with him for deserving it. I'm mostly upset with myself.
Iām upset with myself, too. I hate to get violent it really isnāt like me I just- he brought up my mum and- after what he said about you I just- I snapped. Iām sorry. I apologized to him, too. After I did it. I offered him an ice pack but heā¦ sort of stormed off and locked himself in his office. I left earlyā¦ didnātā¦ didnāt want to cause more trouble. Butā¦ why are you upset at yourself? Why are you sitting on the floor? Come and- and sit on the couch love the floor is dirty and cold
He kissed me. He called me to his office to talk about what happened and he. He kissed me.
*Martinās face fell. The edges of his glasses seemed to fog up as they had earlier.*
Oh. Oh and- and youāre here to- to tell me you made a mistake picking me. Right. Thatās- no thatās- thatās okay. I under-understand.
*His voice broke, but he tried his hardest to stay composed for Owenās sake*
[she reached under her glasses to wipe tears]
And- and i kissed him back... a... a few times. and i hate myself for it. So bad. i. I . I'm so sorry.. I love you I'm not- i- i didn't make a mistake picking you, martin...
*His voice was barely a whisper. It sounded far away, as if being heard as nothing more than an echo*
More.. more than once.. you- you kissed him more than once. right. if you want him you can- can just say that. i wouldnāt- wouldnāt want to hold you back. i love you. i just want you to be happy. if iām- im not enough to do that then- id rather you go be with someone who is.
*He was audibly crying now, his shoulders shaking with barely concealed sobs*
[rose moved over and took martins hands in his]
Martin love please... you do make me happy. you make me so happy. I'm so sorry i kissed him it was stupid of me to do... And i- i do... I do love him... I'm sorry.. But i love you. I love you i love you i love you
[Everytime she said it, he kissed one of martins knuckles but whimpered when we pulled his hands away]
I'm sorry....
*The skin to skin contact felt so good. The kisses on his knuckles felt so nice, so soft and gentle and genuinely remorseful that Martin was half inclined to tell Rose he could kiss Tim as much as she liked as long as he didnāt leave. But he didnāt. Instead, he pulled his hands away and drew a shuddering breath.*
Are you- are you going to keep kissing him. Was he- was he right? Do you just- just want me as a distraction?
You're- you're not a distraction... I love you.. And-
[His voice became small. how was she supposed to answer that. she loved Tim, and if liked the feel of their kiss]
I don't... i don't know...
I canāt- i canāt share you. It would kill me. I love you. I have for- for years. You know that. I told you that over and over again when you- when you stayed the entire weekend here. In my bed. With me. Telling me you loved me. You were the first person to- to tell me you loved me and then act like you meant it.
*He sobbed loudly, sounding as if he was in pain.*
I should have known this was coming. I havenāt been anyoneās first choice once in my life. I want you to choose me. To decide that you meant what you told me over and over again. I want you to stay with me more than Iāve ever wanted anything before. But I wonāt force your hand. Itās your choice. Me or him. Iāll always love you either way.
I-
[Rose chewed her lip. no matter what he'd say he would lose the other. He was shaking with tears, bawling his eyes out.]
I- I'm scared martin. i Don't want to lose either of you. i love you so much but- he's my best friend... my family...
He can be your best friend. He can be family. He can be in your life- in OUR life forever. Iām not mad at- at either of you for this. As much as I wish I could be. I just. I need to know youāre committed to me. That youāre- that youāre mine. Like you said you were.
Of course i choose you mart'n.... I- i meant everything i said to you... I... I can't let myself have anything good... You- you're so good martin...
*He reached out, grabbing Rose by the hand and pulling her carefully into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as he could without crushing him. He gently wiped her tears, pressing a careful kiss to the top of his head.*
Iā¦ I donāt know if I would call myself good. But if- if you think I am thenā¦ you deserve good things. Iām not going anywhere. I love you.
I'm so sorry.. I'm so so sorry
[She cried into martins shoulder, her chest feeling heavy]
i love you I'm so sorry please- please don't hate me
*Martin was sobbing too, clutching Owen to him like she would fall through his fingers if he let go.*
I could never hate you, Love. I love you I- I forgive you.
Please don't hate Tim either- i know you're jealous and- and he screwed up but- he's my best friend, amor.
I donāt hate him. I wish I could but I- I understand. I empathize with him, even. Youāre so, so amazing and ifā¦ if I were in his shoes I would have done something much more rash iām sure.
*He pulled back enough to look Rose in the eye.*
Will you.. will you stay? I know we have work tomorrow but you- you always wear the same stuff anyways and you can.. can borrow my pyjamas and we can walk together in the morning and Iāll- Iāll make you breakfast tomorrow and supper tonight I justā¦ Iāve been feeling really alone lately.
You being more rash than Tim is a funny thought amor.. Yes I'll stay
[Owen started kissing all over martins face and holding him tight]
We can both call in sick. I'll stay... i love you so much
I broke his nose love, Iām not exactly as level headed as I seem. Should I- er- send a get well card? Maybe send him a gift voucher or something? I do feel sort of bad I hit him so hard, I only meant to bruise him up a bitā¦
*He giggled, his eyes scrunching shut from how wide he was smiling at the kisses*
I love you.
ā¦arenāt you the one whoās, uhā¦ nevermind. hi, iām zeph. new in the library.
@zeph-b
oh er- hi! I donāt actually work in the library anymore but itāsā¦ itās nice to meet you! you must be who they brought in to fill my position
thatās what the boss assumed. youāre martin, right?
yeah! i work in research now, itās nice to meet you zeph
you too. uhā¦ any advice for working in the library, and all?
watch out for any books marked āLibrary of Jurgen Leitnerā. They doā¦ weird stuff. Hard to explain. And if you can, make sure to go outside on your breaks. Being in the dark for so long does things to your mind.
ā¦when the hell did they move the leitners from storage to the library?
i meanā nevermind. that feels very standard.
Ah actually theyāre meant! to be in storage! but they keep ending up back on the library shelvesā¦ Owen and I sort of gave up fighting them a couple years backā¦
keyās to be apathetic. orā anything other than afraid. but that includes excited, and thatās a whole other thing you shouldnāt do.
uhā¦ not that i. know too much about all thatā¦
itās not a very exciting job. i think youāll be just fine
oā¦ kay. you really have no other advice? nothing practical, regular job stuff?
oh er! yeah sorry! sometimes i forget this is also just a normal jobā¦ thereās a cheat sheet for the shelving system on the end of each shelf and on the carts, make sure you empty the returns bin every day around lunch so it doesnāt overflow, and the computer sometimes doesnāt want to scan certain books so make sure you get Owen to show you how to input the codes manually
thanks.
i know iām bad at pretending to be normal but it feels like youāre not even trying. did something happen here?
Erā¦ Owen and I have aā¦ complicated relationship. Right now. Itās part of why I transferred out. That andā¦ iāve sort of recently been realizing thereās something.. larger? at play here? Bigger than ghosts and monsters and weird haunted books.. I feel sort of insane for thinking that but itās.. itās getting hard to ignore. Tim set something on fire by kicking it yesterday.
hm. you planning on quitting?
I canāt. Need the money. Iām barely scraping by as it is.
hm. fair enough.
[zeph looks around, mostly at what seems to be nothing. he closes his eyes. somethingā¦ shifts. that constant, unrelenting feeling of being monitoredā itās gone. zeph looks weaker now.]
not much time. i can hold it for around an hour at most without needing to eat, though i wonāt be too coherent by 30 minutes. listen to me.
if youāre going to stay and youāre getting involved in shitāwhich i do not encourage, find another goddamn job and leave without putting in your two weeksāyouāre gonna need more than vague shit. how much have you been told so far about how things work?
I havenāt really been told anything I- Owen and I have beenā¦ piecing things together, though I suspect he knows more than I do, about.. everythingā¦ er.. Iāve been mentally classifying theā¦ weird stuff.. into different categories. Thereās the thing that- that watches? Elias always seems to know more than he should aboutā¦ everythingā¦ and thereās that feeling of being watched. Thereās.. there was a book. A āLeitnerā, as you put it, that was aboutā¦ mold and sickness andā¦ stuff. We knew it had made its way back into the library before we found it because all the books started to grow mildewā¦ Thereās Tim, and his fire and wax stuff. And thereās-
*He hesitated, not sure he wanted to mention the next part. He decided to anyways*
This.. thing that happens. When I- get in fights or- or feel like someone important to me doesnāt really care about me.. My glasses get- get all foggy? Andā¦ I start feeling like Iād be better off totally isolated. Uhmā¦ yeahā¦
he does know. iāmā¦ surprised he hasnāt told you.
first thing i need you to know before going into this shitā donāt get curious. donāt get cocky, donāt believe you can get over all of this and do things differently. theyāre not things you can take advantage of and beat. if you think you are, youāre just playing into what they want. deal with it and leave.
second thing, wellā¦ keep people close. itās especially important for people vulnerable to the lonely, but it helps in general to keep company. iām not very good at it, but in theā¦ years, that i was involvedā¦ companionship helped. however brief it was. donāt treat it as disposable.
alright? alright. okay, soā¦
[they go on to explain the fears.]
*Martin is silent for several moments. He lets out an incredulous laugh before speaking*
Good lord- Right. Okay. So there are.. 15? freaky monster-god things that control.. everything? And one of them is.. the institute itself? Am I understanding that right? And the- the one that eats peopleās fear of isolation.. it wants me? Toā¦ become it? Work for it? Join one of those freaky cults that pop up every few years?
14 and a 15th in a vague sort of emergence state, i think. the institute is the eye, beholding, whatever youāll call it. the lonely is preying on you at the moment, but you have the potential to be its servant.
What if I donāt- donāt want to serve it? I have a boyfriend I canāt leave him to work for that- that thing! Why would anyone want to do that anyways?? That sounds terrible!!
you donāt have to serve it. thereās options, i think. takes a lot of mental willpower, but a lot of it justā¦ comes down to having more of a support system outside of all this. for the lonely, anyway. other fearsā¦ lot of it is mental, but you know. dying a horrible unexplainable death, and all that shit.
you still have the option to leave. i canā list some organizations you need to avoid, then you can quit this place when youāre able to. or, when you need to. word of advice: never join the fucking archives. i donāt care how desperate your situation is, joining the archives will only make it fucking worse. just. donāt.
as for why some people join itā¦ some of them are bastards who are afraid of losing power. like fucking bouchard. and sometimesā¦ sometimes itās the only option someone gets.
I just got transferred to research but Iāll- Iāll be careful not to end up in the archives. Thank you, Zeph. I had no idea it went soā¦ so deep.
[Owen knocked on the door of martins flat. He picked at his nails, some of them bleeding]
Martin please open the door we need to talk
@loneiibrarian
Coming !
*Martin called from behind the door. A moment later, the lock clicked and the door swung open. He looked sort ofā¦ rough. He had changed out of his work clothes, instead wearing a pair of worn looking pyjama bottoms and a loose fitting Cambridge Uni t-shirt. His right hand was wrapped in bandages, and he was holding an ice pack in his left.*
Oh- Owen! Erā¦ Hi, love. Look if this is- if this is about Tim I- Iām sorry. I shouldnāt have hit him. Itās just he- Hold on come inside and sit down so we can talk properly.
*He stepped aside to let Owen in, sitting down on one side of the couch.*
[Owen walked into the flat, sitting on the floor away from the couch, not looking at martin]
I'm. I'm a little upset with you for hitting him. I'm a little upset with him for deserving it. I'm mostly upset with myself.
Iām upset with myself, too. I hate to get violent it really isnāt like me I just- he brought up my mum and- after what he said about you I just- I snapped. Iām sorry. I apologized to him, too. After I did it. I offered him an ice pack but heā¦ sort of stormed off and locked himself in his office. I left earlyā¦ didnātā¦ didnāt want to cause more trouble. Butā¦ why are you upset at yourself? Why are you sitting on the floor? Come and- and sit on the couch love the floor is dirty and cold
He kissed me. He called me to his office to talk about what happened and he. He kissed me.
*Martinās face fell. The edges of his glasses seemed to fog up as they had earlier.*
Oh. Oh and- and youāre here to- to tell me you made a mistake picking me. Right. Thatās- no thatās- thatās okay. I under-understand.
*His voice broke, but he tried his hardest to stay composed for Owenās sake*
[she reached under her glasses to wipe tears]
And- and i kissed him back... a... a few times. and i hate myself for it. So bad. i. I . I'm so sorry.. I love you I'm not- i- i didn't make a mistake picking you, martin...
*His voice was barely a whisper. It sounded far away, as if being heard as nothing more than an echo*
More.. more than once.. you- you kissed him more than once. right. if you want him you can- can just say that. i wouldnāt- wouldnāt want to hold you back. i love you. i just want you to be happy. if iām- im not enough to do that then- id rather you go be with someone who is.
*He was audibly crying now, his shoulders shaking with barely concealed sobs*
[rose moved over and took martins hands in his]
Martin love please... you do make me happy. you make me so happy. I'm so sorry i kissed him it was stupid of me to do... And i- i do... I do love him... I'm sorry.. But i love you. I love you i love you i love you
[Everytime she said it, he kissed one of martins knuckles but whimpered when we pulled his hands away]
I'm sorry....
*The skin to skin contact felt so good. The kisses on his knuckles felt so nice, so soft and gentle and genuinely remorseful that Martin was half inclined to tell Rose he could kiss Tim as much as she liked as long as he didnāt leave. But he didnāt. Instead, he pulled his hands away and drew a shuddering breath.*
Are you- are you going to keep kissing him. Was he- was he right? Do you just- just want me as a distraction?
You're- you're not a distraction... I love you.. And-
[His voice became small. how was she supposed to answer that. she loved Tim, and if liked the feel of their kiss]
I don't... i don't know...
I canāt- i canāt share you. It would kill me. I love you. I have for- for years. You know that. I told you that over and over again when you- when you stayed the entire weekend here. In my bed. With me. Telling me you loved me. You were the first person to- to tell me you loved me and then act like you meant it.
*He sobbed loudly, sounding as if he was in pain.*
I should have known this was coming. I havenāt been anyoneās first choice once in my life. I want you to choose me. To decide that you meant what you told me over and over again. I want you to stay with me more than Iāve ever wanted anything before. But I wonāt force your hand. Itās your choice. Me or him. Iāll always love you either way.
I-
[Rose chewed her lip. no matter what he'd say he would lose the other. He was shaking with tears, bawling his eyes out.]
I- I'm scared martin. i Don't want to lose either of you. i love you so much but- he's my best friend... my family...
He can be your best friend. He can be family. He can be in your life- in OUR life forever. Iām not mad at- at either of you for this. As much as I wish I could be. I just. I need to know youāre committed to me. That youāre- that youāre mine. Like you said you were.
Of course i choose you mart'n.... I- i meant everything i said to you... I... I can't let myself have anything good... You- you're so good martin...
*He reached out, grabbing Rose by the hand and pulling her carefully into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as he could without crushing him. He gently wiped her tears, pressing a careful kiss to the top of his head.*
Iā¦ I donāt know if I would call myself good. But if- if you think I am thenā¦ you deserve good things. Iām not going anywhere. I love you.
I'm so sorry.. I'm so so sorry
[She cried into martins shoulder, her chest feeling heavy]
i love you I'm so sorry please- please don't hate me
*Martin was sobbing too, clutching Owen to him like she would fall through his fingers if he let go.*
I could never hate you, Love. I love you I- I forgive you.
Please don't hate Tim either- i know you're jealous and- and he screwed up but- he's my best friend, amor.
I donāt hate him. I wish I could but I- I understand. I empathize with him, even. Youāre so, so amazing and ifā¦ if I were in his shoes I would have done something much more rash iām sure.
*He pulled back enough to look Rose in the eye.*
Will you.. will you stay? I know we have work tomorrow but you- you always wear the same stuff anyways and you can.. can borrow my pyjamas and we can walk together in the morning and Iāll- Iāll make you breakfast tomorrow and supper tonight I justā¦ Iāve been feeling really alone lately.
ā¦arenāt you the one whoās, uhā¦ nevermind. hi, iām zeph. new in the library.
@zeph-b
oh er- hi! I donāt actually work in the library anymore but itāsā¦ itās nice to meet you! you must be who they brought in to fill my position
thatās what the boss assumed. youāre martin, right?
yeah! i work in research now, itās nice to meet you zeph
you too. uhā¦ any advice for working in the library, and all?
watch out for any books marked āLibrary of Jurgen Leitnerā. They doā¦ weird stuff. Hard to explain. And if you can, make sure to go outside on your breaks. Being in the dark for so long does things to your mind.
ā¦when the hell did they move the leitners from storage to the library?
i meanā nevermind. that feels very standard.
Ah actually theyāre meant! to be in storage! but they keep ending up back on the library shelvesā¦ Owen and I sort of gave up fighting them a couple years backā¦
keyās to be apathetic. orā anything other than afraid. but that includes excited, and thatās a whole other thing you shouldnāt do.
uhā¦ not that i. know too much about all thatā¦
itās not a very exciting job. i think youāll be just fine
oā¦ kay. you really have no other advice? nothing practical, regular job stuff?
oh er! yeah sorry! sometimes i forget this is also just a normal jobā¦ thereās a cheat sheet for the shelving system on the end of each shelf and on the carts, make sure you empty the returns bin every day around lunch so it doesnāt overflow, and the computer sometimes doesnāt want to scan certain books so make sure you get Owen to show you how to input the codes manually
thanks.
i know iām bad at pretending to be normal but it feels like youāre not even trying. did something happen here?
Erā¦ Owen and I have aā¦ complicated relationship. Right now. Itās part of why I transferred out. That andā¦ iāve sort of recently been realizing thereās something.. larger? at play here? Bigger than ghosts and monsters and weird haunted books.. I feel sort of insane for thinking that but itās.. itās getting hard to ignore. Tim set something on fire by kicking it yesterday.
hm. you planning on quitting?
I canāt. Need the money. Iām barely scraping by as it is.
hm. fair enough.
[zeph looks around, mostly at what seems to be nothing. he closes his eyes. somethingā¦ shifts. that constant, unrelenting feeling of being monitoredā itās gone. zeph looks weaker now.]
not much time. i can hold it for around an hour at most without needing to eat, though i wonāt be too coherent by 30 minutes. listen to me.
if youāre going to stay and youāre getting involved in shitāwhich i do not encourage, find another goddamn job and leave without putting in your two weeksāyouāre gonna need more than vague shit. how much have you been told so far about how things work?
I havenāt really been told anything I- Owen and I have beenā¦ piecing things together, though I suspect he knows more than I do, about.. everythingā¦ er.. Iāve been mentally classifying theā¦ weird stuff.. into different categories. Thereās the thing that- that watches? Elias always seems to know more than he should aboutā¦ everythingā¦ and thereās that feeling of being watched. Thereās.. there was a book. A āLeitnerā, as you put it, that was aboutā¦ mold and sickness andā¦ stuff. We knew it had made its way back into the library before we found it because all the books started to grow mildewā¦ Thereās Tim, and his fire and wax stuff. And thereās-
*He hesitated, not sure he wanted to mention the next part. He decided to anyways*
This.. thing that happens. When I- get in fights or- or feel like someone important to me doesnāt really care about me.. My glasses get- get all foggy? Andā¦ I start feeling like Iād be better off totally isolated. Uhmā¦ yeahā¦
he does know. iāmā¦ surprised he hasnāt told you.
first thing i need you to know before going into this shitā donāt get curious. donāt get cocky, donāt believe you can get over all of this and do things differently. theyāre not things you can take advantage of and beat. if you think you are, youāre just playing into what they want. deal with it and leave.
second thing, wellā¦ keep people close. itās especially important for people vulnerable to the lonely, but it helps in general to keep company. iām not very good at it, but in theā¦ years, that i was involvedā¦ companionship helped. however brief it was. donāt treat it as disposable.
alright? alright. okay, soā¦
[they go on to explain the fears.]
*Martin is silent for several moments. He lets out an incredulous laugh before speaking*
Good lord- Right. Okay. So there are.. 15? freaky monster-god things that control.. everything? And one of them is.. the institute itself? Am I understanding that right? And the- the one that eats peopleās fear of isolation.. it wants me? Toā¦ become it? Work for it? Join one of those freaky cults that pop up every few years?
14 and a 15th in a vague sort of emergence state, i think. the institute is the eye, beholding, whatever youāll call it. the lonely is preying on you at the moment, but you have the potential to be its servant.
What if I donāt- donāt want to serve it? I have a boyfriend I canāt leave him to work for that- that thing! Why would anyone want to do that anyways?? That sounds terrible!!
ā¦arenāt you the one whoās, uhā¦ nevermind. hi, iām zeph. new in the library.
@zeph-b
oh er- hi! I donāt actually work in the library anymore but itāsā¦ itās nice to meet you! you must be who they brought in to fill my position
thatās what the boss assumed. youāre martin, right?
yeah! i work in research now, itās nice to meet you zeph
you too. uhā¦ any advice for working in the library, and all?
watch out for any books marked āLibrary of Jurgen Leitnerā. They doā¦ weird stuff. Hard to explain. And if you can, make sure to go outside on your breaks. Being in the dark for so long does things to your mind.
ā¦when the hell did they move the leitners from storage to the library?
i meanā nevermind. that feels very standard.
Ah actually theyāre meant! to be in storage! but they keep ending up back on the library shelvesā¦ Owen and I sort of gave up fighting them a couple years backā¦
keyās to be apathetic. orā anything other than afraid. but that includes excited, and thatās a whole other thing you shouldnāt do.
uhā¦ not that i. know too much about all thatā¦
itās not a very exciting job. i think youāll be just fine
oā¦ kay. you really have no other advice? nothing practical, regular job stuff?
oh er! yeah sorry! sometimes i forget this is also just a normal jobā¦ thereās a cheat sheet for the shelving system on the end of each shelf and on the carts, make sure you empty the returns bin every day around lunch so it doesnāt overflow, and the computer sometimes doesnāt want to scan certain books so make sure you get Owen to show you how to input the codes manually
thanks.
i know iām bad at pretending to be normal but it feels like youāre not even trying. did something happen here?
Erā¦ Owen and I have aā¦ complicated relationship. Right now. Itās part of why I transferred out. That andā¦ iāve sort of recently been realizing thereās something.. larger? at play here? Bigger than ghosts and monsters and weird haunted books.. I feel sort of insane for thinking that but itās.. itās getting hard to ignore. Tim set something on fire by kicking it yesterday.
hm. you planning on quitting?
I canāt. Need the money. Iām barely scraping by as it is.
hm. fair enough.
[zeph looks around, mostly at what seems to be nothing. he closes his eyes. somethingā¦ shifts. that constant, unrelenting feeling of being monitoredā itās gone. zeph looks weaker now.]
not much time. i can hold it for around an hour at most without needing to eat, though i wonāt be too coherent by 30 minutes. listen to me.
if youāre going to stay and youāre getting involved in shitāwhich i do not encourage, find another goddamn job and leave without putting in your two weeksāyouāre gonna need more than vague shit. how much have you been told so far about how things work?
I havenāt really been told anything I- Owen and I have beenā¦ piecing things together, though I suspect he knows more than I do, about.. everythingā¦ er.. Iāve been mentally classifying theā¦ weird stuff.. into different categories. Thereās the thing that- that watches? Elias always seems to know more than he should aboutā¦ everythingā¦ and thereās that feeling of being watched. Thereās.. there was a book. A āLeitnerā, as you put it, that was aboutā¦ mold and sickness andā¦ stuff. We knew it had made its way back into the library before we found it because all the books started to grow mildewā¦ Thereās Tim, and his fire and wax stuff. And thereās-
*He hesitated, not sure he wanted to mention the next part. He decided to anyways*
This.. thing that happens. When I- get in fights or- or feel like someone important to me doesnāt really care about me.. My glasses get- get all foggy? Andā¦ I start feeling like Iād be better off totally isolated. Uhmā¦ yeahā¦
he does know. iāmā¦ surprised he hasnāt told you.
first thing i need you to know before going into this shitā donāt get curious. donāt get cocky, donāt believe you can get over all of this and do things differently. theyāre not things you can take advantage of and beat. if you think you are, youāre just playing into what they want. deal with it and leave.
second thing, wellā¦ keep people close. itās especially important for people vulnerable to the lonely, but it helps in general to keep company. iām not very good at it, but in theā¦ years, that i was involvedā¦ companionship helped. however brief it was. donāt treat it as disposable.
alright? alright. okay, soā¦
[they go on to explain the fears.]
*Martin is silent for several moments. He lets out an incredulous laugh before speaking*
Good lord- Right. Okay. So there are.. 15? freaky monster-god things that control.. everything? And one of them is.. the institute itself? Am I understanding that right? And the- the one that eats peopleās fear of isolation.. it wants me? Toā¦ become it? Work for it? Join one of those freaky cults that pop up every few years?
ā¦arenāt you the one whoās, uhā¦ nevermind. hi, iām zeph. new in the library.
@zeph-b
oh er- hi! I donāt actually work in the library anymore but itāsā¦ itās nice to meet you! you must be who they brought in to fill my position
thatās what the boss assumed. youāre martin, right?
yeah! i work in research now, itās nice to meet you zeph
you too. uhā¦ any advice for working in the library, and all?
watch out for any books marked āLibrary of Jurgen Leitnerā. They doā¦ weird stuff. Hard to explain. And if you can, make sure to go outside on your breaks. Being in the dark for so long does things to your mind.
ā¦when the hell did they move the leitners from storage to the library?
i meanā nevermind. that feels very standard.
Ah actually theyāre meant! to be in storage! but they keep ending up back on the library shelvesā¦ Owen and I sort of gave up fighting them a couple years backā¦
keyās to be apathetic. orā anything other than afraid. but that includes excited, and thatās a whole other thing you shouldnāt do.
uhā¦ not that i. know too much about all thatā¦
itās not a very exciting job. i think youāll be just fine
oā¦ kay. you really have no other advice? nothing practical, regular job stuff?
oh er! yeah sorry! sometimes i forget this is also just a normal jobā¦ thereās a cheat sheet for the shelving system on the end of each shelf and on the carts, make sure you empty the returns bin every day around lunch so it doesnāt overflow, and the computer sometimes doesnāt want to scan certain books so make sure you get Owen to show you how to input the codes manually
thanks.
i know iām bad at pretending to be normal but it feels like youāre not even trying. did something happen here?
Erā¦ Owen and I have aā¦ complicated relationship. Right now. Itās part of why I transferred out. That andā¦ iāve sort of recently been realizing thereās something.. larger? at play here? Bigger than ghosts and monsters and weird haunted books.. I feel sort of insane for thinking that but itās.. itās getting hard to ignore. Tim set something on fire by kicking it yesterday.
hm. you planning on quitting?
I canāt. Need the money. Iām barely scraping by as it is.
hm. fair enough.
[zeph looks around, mostly at what seems to be nothing. he closes his eyes. somethingā¦ shifts. that constant, unrelenting feeling of being monitoredā itās gone. zeph looks weaker now.]
not much time. i can hold it for around an hour at most without needing to eat, though i wonāt be too coherent by 30 minutes. listen to me.
if youāre going to stay and youāre getting involved in shitāwhich i do not encourage, find another goddamn job and leave without putting in your two weeksāyouāre gonna need more than vague shit. how much have you been told so far about how things work?
I havenāt really been told anything I- Owen and I have beenā¦ piecing things together, though I suspect he knows more than I do, about.. everythingā¦ er.. Iāve been mentally classifying theā¦ weird stuff.. into different categories. Thereās the thing that- that watches? Elias always seems to know more than he should aboutā¦ everythingā¦ and thereās that feeling of being watched. Thereās.. there was a book. A āLeitnerā, as you put it, that was aboutā¦ mold and sickness andā¦ stuff. We knew it had made its way back into the library before we found it because all the books started to grow mildewā¦ Thereās Tim, and his fire and wax stuff. And thereās-
*He hesitated, not sure he wanted to mention the next part. He decided to anyways*
This.. thing that happens. When I- get in fights or- or feel like someone important to me doesnāt really care about me.. My glasses get- get all foggy? Andā¦ I start feeling like Iād be better off totally isolated. Uhmā¦ yeahā¦
ā¦arenāt you the one whoās, uhā¦ nevermind. hi, iām zeph. new in the library.
@zeph-b
oh er- hi! I donāt actually work in the library anymore but itāsā¦ itās nice to meet you! you must be who they brought in to fill my position
thatās what the boss assumed. youāre martin, right?
yeah! i work in research now, itās nice to meet you zeph
you too. uhā¦ any advice for working in the library, and all?
watch out for any books marked āLibrary of Jurgen Leitnerā. They doā¦ weird stuff. Hard to explain. And if you can, make sure to go outside on your breaks. Being in the dark for so long does things to your mind.
ā¦when the hell did they move the leitners from storage to the library?
i meanā nevermind. that feels very standard.
Ah actually theyāre meant! to be in storage! but they keep ending up back on the library shelvesā¦ Owen and I sort of gave up fighting them a couple years backā¦
keyās to be apathetic. orā anything other than afraid. but that includes excited, and thatās a whole other thing you shouldnāt do.
uhā¦ not that i. know too much about all thatā¦
itās not a very exciting job. i think youāll be just fine
oā¦ kay. you really have no other advice? nothing practical, regular job stuff?
oh er! yeah sorry! sometimes i forget this is also just a normal jobā¦ thereās a cheat sheet for the shelving system on the end of each shelf and on the carts, make sure you empty the returns bin every day around lunch so it doesnāt overflow, and the computer sometimes doesnāt want to scan certain books so make sure you get Owen to show you how to input the codes manually
thanks.
i know iām bad at pretending to be normal but it feels like youāre not even trying. did something happen here?
Erā¦ Owen and I have aā¦ complicated relationship. Right now. Itās part of why I transferred out. That andā¦ iāve sort of recently been realizing thereās something.. larger? at play here? Bigger than ghosts and monsters and weird haunted books.. I feel sort of insane for thinking that but itās.. itās getting hard to ignore. Tim set something on fire by kicking it yesterday.
hm. you planning on quitting?
I canāt. Need the money. Iām barely scraping by as it is.
[Owen knocked on the door of martins flat. He picked at his nails, some of them bleeding]
Martin please open the door we need to talk
@loneiibrarian
Coming !
*Martin called from behind the door. A moment later, the lock clicked and the door swung open. He looked sort ofā¦ rough. He had changed out of his work clothes, instead wearing a pair of worn looking pyjama bottoms and a loose fitting Cambridge Uni t-shirt. His right hand was wrapped in bandages, and he was holding an ice pack in his left.*
Oh- Owen! Erā¦ Hi, love. Look if this is- if this is about Tim I- Iām sorry. I shouldnāt have hit him. Itās just he- Hold on come inside and sit down so we can talk properly.
*He stepped aside to let Owen in, sitting down on one side of the couch.*
[Owen walked into the flat, sitting on the floor away from the couch, not looking at martin]
I'm. I'm a little upset with you for hitting him. I'm a little upset with him for deserving it. I'm mostly upset with myself.
Iām upset with myself, too. I hate to get violent it really isnāt like me I just- he brought up my mum and- after what he said about you I just- I snapped. Iām sorry. I apologized to him, too. After I did it. I offered him an ice pack but heā¦ sort of stormed off and locked himself in his office. I left earlyā¦ didnātā¦ didnāt want to cause more trouble. Butā¦ why are you upset at yourself? Why are you sitting on the floor? Come and- and sit on the couch love the floor is dirty and cold
He kissed me. He called me to his office to talk about what happened and he. He kissed me.
*Martinās face fell. The edges of his glasses seemed to fog up as they had earlier.*
Oh. Oh and- and youāre here to- to tell me you made a mistake picking me. Right. Thatās- no thatās- thatās okay. I under-understand.
*His voice broke, but he tried his hardest to stay composed for Owenās sake*
[she reached under her glasses to wipe tears]
And- and i kissed him back... a... a few times. and i hate myself for it. So bad. i. I . I'm so sorry.. I love you I'm not- i- i didn't make a mistake picking you, martin...
*His voice was barely a whisper. It sounded far away, as if being heard as nothing more than an echo*
More.. more than once.. you- you kissed him more than once. right. if you want him you can- can just say that. i wouldnāt- wouldnāt want to hold you back. i love you. i just want you to be happy. if iām- im not enough to do that then- id rather you go be with someone who is.
*He was audibly crying now, his shoulders shaking with barely concealed sobs*
[rose moved over and took martins hands in his]
Martin love please... you do make me happy. you make me so happy. I'm so sorry i kissed him it was stupid of me to do... And i- i do... I do love him... I'm sorry.. But i love you. I love you i love you i love you
[Everytime she said it, he kissed one of martins knuckles but whimpered when we pulled his hands away]
I'm sorry....
*The skin to skin contact felt so good. The kisses on his knuckles felt so nice, so soft and gentle and genuinely remorseful that Martin was half inclined to tell Rose he could kiss Tim as much as she liked as long as he didnāt leave. But he didnāt. Instead, he pulled his hands away and drew a shuddering breath.*
Are you- are you going to keep kissing him. Was he- was he right? Do you just- just want me as a distraction?
You're- you're not a distraction... I love you.. And-
[His voice became small. how was she supposed to answer that. she loved Tim, and if liked the feel of their kiss]
I don't... i don't know...
I canāt- i canāt share you. It would kill me. I love you. I have for- for years. You know that. I told you that over and over again when you- when you stayed the entire weekend here. In my bed. With me. Telling me you loved me. You were the first person to- to tell me you loved me and then act like you meant it.
*He sobbed loudly, sounding as if he was in pain.*
I should have known this was coming. I havenāt been anyoneās first choice once in my life. I want you to choose me. To decide that you meant what you told me over and over again. I want you to stay with me more than Iāve ever wanted anything before. But I wonāt force your hand. Itās your choice. Me or him. Iāll always love you either way.
I-
[Rose chewed her lip. no matter what he'd say he would lose the other. He was shaking with tears, bawling his eyes out.]
I- I'm scared martin. i Don't want to lose either of you. i love you so much but- he's my best friend... my family...
He can be your best friend. He can be family. He can be in your life- in OUR life forever. Iām not mad at- at either of you for this. As much as I wish I could be. I just. I need to know youāre committed to me. That youāre- that youāre mine. Like you said you were.
Of course i choose you mart'n.... I- i meant everything i said to you... I... I can't let myself have anything good... You- you're so good martin...
*He reached out, grabbing Rose by the hand and pulling her carefully into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as he could without crushing him. He gently wiped her tears, pressing a careful kiss to the top of his head.*
Iā¦ I donāt know if I would call myself good. But if- if you think I am thenā¦ you deserve good things. Iām not going anywhere. I love you.
I'm so sorry.. I'm so so sorry
[She cried into martins shoulder, her chest feeling heavy]
i love you I'm so sorry please- please don't hate me
*Martin was sobbing too, clutching Owen to him like she would fall through his fingers if he let go.*
I could never hate you, Love. I love you I- I forgive you.
ā¦arenāt you the one whoās, uhā¦ nevermind. hi, iām zeph. new in the library.
@zeph-b
oh er- hi! I donāt actually work in the library anymore but itāsā¦ itās nice to meet you! you must be who they brought in to fill my position
thatās what the boss assumed. youāre martin, right?
yeah! i work in research now, itās nice to meet you zeph
you too. uhā¦ any advice for working in the library, and all?
watch out for any books marked āLibrary of Jurgen Leitnerā. They doā¦ weird stuff. Hard to explain. And if you can, make sure to go outside on your breaks. Being in the dark for so long does things to your mind.
ā¦when the hell did they move the leitners from storage to the library?
i meanā nevermind. that feels very standard.
Ah actually theyāre meant! to be in storage! but they keep ending up back on the library shelvesā¦ Owen and I sort of gave up fighting them a couple years backā¦
keyās to be apathetic. orā anything other than afraid. but that includes excited, and thatās a whole other thing you shouldnāt do.
uhā¦ not that i. know too much about all thatā¦
itās not a very exciting job. i think youāll be just fine
oā¦ kay. you really have no other advice? nothing practical, regular job stuff?
oh er! yeah sorry! sometimes i forget this is also just a normal jobā¦ thereās a cheat sheet for the shelving system on the end of each shelf and on the carts, make sure you empty the returns bin every day around lunch so it doesnāt overflow, and the computer sometimes doesnāt want to scan certain books so make sure you get Owen to show you how to input the codes manually
thanks.
i know iām bad at pretending to be normal but it feels like youāre not even trying. did something happen here?
Erā¦ Owen and I have aā¦ complicated relationship. Right now. Itās part of why I transferred out. That andā¦ iāve sort of recently been realizing thereās something.. larger? at play here? Bigger than ghosts and monsters and weird haunted books.. I feel sort of insane for thinking that but itās.. itās getting hard to ignore. Tim set something on fire by kicking it yesterday.
[Owen knocked on the door of martins flat. He picked at his nails, some of them bleeding]
Martin please open the door we need to talk
@loneiibrarian
Coming !
*Martin called from behind the door. A moment later, the lock clicked and the door swung open. He looked sort ofā¦ rough. He had changed out of his work clothes, instead wearing a pair of worn looking pyjama bottoms and a loose fitting Cambridge Uni t-shirt. His right hand was wrapped in bandages, and he was holding an ice pack in his left.*
Oh- Owen! Erā¦ Hi, love. Look if this is- if this is about Tim I- Iām sorry. I shouldnāt have hit him. Itās just he- Hold on come inside and sit down so we can talk properly.
*He stepped aside to let Owen in, sitting down on one side of the couch.*
[Owen walked into the flat, sitting on the floor away from the couch, not looking at martin]
I'm. I'm a little upset with you for hitting him. I'm a little upset with him for deserving it. I'm mostly upset with myself.
Iām upset with myself, too. I hate to get violent it really isnāt like me I just- he brought up my mum and- after what he said about you I just- I snapped. Iām sorry. I apologized to him, too. After I did it. I offered him an ice pack but heā¦ sort of stormed off and locked himself in his office. I left earlyā¦ didnātā¦ didnāt want to cause more trouble. Butā¦ why are you upset at yourself? Why are you sitting on the floor? Come and- and sit on the couch love the floor is dirty and cold
He kissed me. He called me to his office to talk about what happened and he. He kissed me.
*Martinās face fell. The edges of his glasses seemed to fog up as they had earlier.*
Oh. Oh and- and youāre here to- to tell me you made a mistake picking me. Right. Thatās- no thatās- thatās okay. I under-understand.
*His voice broke, but he tried his hardest to stay composed for Owenās sake*
[she reached under her glasses to wipe tears]
And- and i kissed him back... a... a few times. and i hate myself for it. So bad. i. I . I'm so sorry.. I love you I'm not- i- i didn't make a mistake picking you, martin...
*His voice was barely a whisper. It sounded far away, as if being heard as nothing more than an echo*
More.. more than once.. you- you kissed him more than once. right. if you want him you can- can just say that. i wouldnāt- wouldnāt want to hold you back. i love you. i just want you to be happy. if iām- im not enough to do that then- id rather you go be with someone who is.
*He was audibly crying now, his shoulders shaking with barely concealed sobs*
[rose moved over and took martins hands in his]
Martin love please... you do make me happy. you make me so happy. I'm so sorry i kissed him it was stupid of me to do... And i- i do... I do love him... I'm sorry.. But i love you. I love you i love you i love you
[Everytime she said it, he kissed one of martins knuckles but whimpered when we pulled his hands away]
I'm sorry....
*The skin to skin contact felt so good. The kisses on his knuckles felt so nice, so soft and gentle and genuinely remorseful that Martin was half inclined to tell Rose he could kiss Tim as much as she liked as long as he didnāt leave. But he didnāt. Instead, he pulled his hands away and drew a shuddering breath.*
Are you- are you going to keep kissing him. Was he- was he right? Do you just- just want me as a distraction?
You're- you're not a distraction... I love you.. And-
[His voice became small. how was she supposed to answer that. she loved Tim, and if liked the feel of their kiss]
I don't... i don't know...
I canāt- i canāt share you. It would kill me. I love you. I have for- for years. You know that. I told you that over and over again when you- when you stayed the entire weekend here. In my bed. With me. Telling me you loved me. You were the first person to- to tell me you loved me and then act like you meant it.
*He sobbed loudly, sounding as if he was in pain.*
I should have known this was coming. I havenāt been anyoneās first choice once in my life. I want you to choose me. To decide that you meant what you told me over and over again. I want you to stay with me more than Iāve ever wanted anything before. But I wonāt force your hand. Itās your choice. Me or him. Iāll always love you either way.
I-
[Rose chewed her lip. no matter what he'd say he would lose the other. He was shaking with tears, bawling his eyes out.]
I- I'm scared martin. i Don't want to lose either of you. i love you so much but- he's my best friend... my family...
He can be your best friend. He can be family. He can be in your life- in OUR life forever. Iām not mad at- at either of you for this. As much as I wish I could be. I just. I need to know youāre committed to me. That youāre- that youāre mine. Like you said you were.
Of course i choose you mart'n.... I- i meant everything i said to you... I... I can't let myself have anything good... You- you're so good martin...
*He reached out, grabbing Rose by the hand and pulling her carefully into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as he could without crushing him. He gently wiped her tears, pressing a careful kiss to the top of his head.*
Iā¦ I donāt know if I would call myself good. But if- if you think I am thenā¦ you deserve good things. Iām not going anywhere. I love you.
