About 2 months ago I was the most stressed I have ever been- working on a research poster presentation, working on a grant proposal, working on a research paper, in addition to all the other stresses I seem to pile on myself in my day to day life. I finished the presentation and accomplished the first of, I hope, many academic and career feats in scientific research. It all paid off. I was elated. My grandma couldnāt have been more proud.
Five weeks ago my brother graduated high school. The Olivas siblings, out in the real world ready for whatever is to come. It was the first time I was home in months, so I Snapchatted the hell out of that visit and that day. I took videos and pictures of everyone, including my grandma. I had one of her laughing at my grandpa because he didnāt realize I was trying to take a picture of him. I shouldāve saved that. I drove back up to LA that night, the next morning received my first parking ticket, shattered my phone, was behind on all assignments.. I went home that Saturday for my brotherās party. My grandma told me to stop goofing around and take a nice picture with my brother. My grandma ate lunch across from me. Thatās the last day Iād ever see my grandma healthy and happy again.
About three weeks ago I left for Hawaii with my family, the first family vacation weāve taken in years. Life has always seemed to get in the way, so this trip was very special to us. We walked around Maui, the next day took a day long tour of Maui. It was on this tour we got the call. The call that changed it all and sent us packing right on back to CA. My grandma was in the hospital for 10 days. She was intubated, on sedatives, diuretics, antibiotics. She couldnāt speak but oh did she try. I was there every day. I spoke to her and sheād respond with the raise of her eyebrows, the squeeze of her hand, the wiggle of her toes. My grandma was a fighter. I sang to her the only 2 verses ofĀ āAmazing Graceā that I know. I prayed with and for her. I got her blankets, told her stories, shut her blinds. Iād leave every night saying I lover her and sheād mouth it right back despite the ventilator. I said Iād see her tomorrow.Ā
Two weeks ago God called my grandma into His Kingdom at 3:21AM, June 25, 2015. I literally became sick to my stomach at the news and was dry heaving in a house full of wailing. Everything was wrong, this was not supposed to happen. I was planning that the rest of the month my grandma would be in rehab or something, getting better to be home in time for her birthday. I was supposed to move into their house to watch over grandpa and drive him to see grandma at wherever she was getting better and stronger. My heart shattered into a million and one pieces and it causes me actual, physical pain when I think about my grandma being gone.Ā
Today was her funeral. Iād been mentally preparing for this day for a while now and, in my mind, I could get through the whole day just fine. In my mind, this was a day of celebration that my grandma was finally at peace, getting the rest she more than deserved after her ever-full life of love, happiness, and helping others. This day was a day in which I would see my whole family gathered together in remembrance of our Matriarch. But in actuality, I was a train wreck and a half.Ā
Never again will I see her, hear her laugh, hug her, listen to her scold me, listen to her console me. Never again will I be able to sit on the arm of her chair like I always do and lean into her and hug her in front of all her friends. And I know she liked when I did that because it gave her something to brag about, that even her oldest had no problem loving her and being her baby. Never again will I eat her cooking, run errands with her, surprise her in her chair when I stop by her house and quietly sit beside her, receive her wordy birthday cards that say exactly what she feels.Ā
Everyone says I look like my mom and act like my grandma. And I proudly agree with them 500000000%. I liked to think that the 3 of us together were unstoppable, and now one of us is missing and I feel like everything has come to a halt. She unconditionally loved and supported me, let me follow her around for about 21 years, taught me the most precious lessons about love and family and life and education and God. But even after her passing, she is still teaching me things. I have learned to forgive, I have learned to love unconditionally, I have learned to be even stronger, I have learned to make decisions- even the hard ones, I have learned to have faith. And I know I will learn to live through the pain, but that lesson wonāt come on its own, rather facilitated by the love and care of my dear family and friends. The same ones that have been there for me through the 2 month rollercoaster ride Iāve been on.
To my friends: I am so blessed to have you in my life. I canāt even articulate how grateful I am for each and every one of you. Whether you were physically there or sending your love across the many miles, I would not have gotten through any of this without you. And I know I suck at responding, but seeing my phone blow up with your messages and phone calls at the right times or just because mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for loving me even when its difficult, and thank you for being there for me through good times and bad.Ā
To my family: Iāve always known I was blessed to be a part of the Limbag-Minas-Olivas-Pantaleon family. Always. Our bond is unbreakable and our faith is unfailing. Our Matriarch is now our Guardian Angel, and how amazing is that knowing we have the best of the best watching over us. These past few weeks have reiterated how strong we are as a whole and how solid our foundation, as laid by grandma, truly is. Weāve spent every minute of every day together, and I wouldnāt have changed anything about that. And itās times like these that make leaving such a conflicting thing for me; its hard because I miss you, but its motivating because everything I do, I do for you and I look forward to all of your faces to come home too. I love every one of you loud, crazy, loving, silly, caring individuals.Ā
I miss you, Grandma. I always will. But I find solace knowing that you are at peace and will always be with me.Ā āI miss you, I love you love you love you, stay close to The Lord.ā
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