MoreWords

[mmmwords]

I recently moved into a new house. I really love the character of the house and certain features. As the owner of this home I see a lot of potential in what I can do with the space and how I can use the space. However I also feel a lot of pressure to think through how the space could best serve me and be true to its character.

Sometimes I look around and I realize I just see one work in progress project after another and I feel tremendously overwhelmed.

Today I thought about what it was like or what it feels like when I lived in Europe or I lived in Japan and I really sent felt a sense of being in some of those houses. The best way I could describe it is, When being in those spaces it felt like that scene had a life of its own and that it existed outside of what I could do to it and what affect I could have on it. Almost like viewing of portraits it just is and because it is it can be and it doesn’t need me to do anything for it. And the spaces the scenes they are not perfect they can be eclectic they can have its own character not everything is perfectly curated and yet because it is I don’t have to do anything to it and I can appreciate it as it is a part from me.

So now I am trying to view my home- the space that I have ultimate control over- as these moments, these spaces, that are separate from me and that I can appreciate as separate from me to try to lessen the pressure I feel about how I wanna improve it or you know put my stamp on it. Removing my ego and my own motivations from it and just being a spectator and enjoying it in the moment and knowing that that moment is fleeting.



[mmmwords]

On leading:

I follow Simon Sinek on social media. I find that his posts resonate with me very deeply and really inspires me.

I always start looking up more of his work, trying to get deeper into his mentality. His major work includes books about leadership, which for some reason really gives me pause, like are you sure this is relevant to me and what I aspire to be?

Growing up being introverted and shy (which I’m learning is different) the last thing I wanted was attention. The last thing I wanted was for people to be looking to me or even at me. I didn’t want to be a leader. But as I get older, there’s a natural progression in life towards seniority and leadership. And I have my doubts about wanting something like that.

But when I see Simon Sinek’s beautiful messages, I think maybe I’ve been thinking about leadership in a very narrow way. Maybe one can lead by supporting.

I’ve always known I love supporting others. I love contributing in my small way and feeling fulfilled that I was involved in something bigger than myself. Can this be leading? Can this be my version of leadership looks like?

It feels hopeful. I’ve had my share of toxic leaders where I’ve wondered, what am I aspiring to in this position? Do I learn from my leaders if I don’t agree with their methods? Sure, it may be effective to manipulate and gaslight me into surrendering my sense of self worth to you, but is this something I would want to perpetuate?

And not until recently have I had leaders I realize I respect and trust in. So maybe a good leader is like good design. It feels natural and you don’t question it. You may not even notice it because it’s too busy getting you where you need to be.

[mmmwords]

On Joy:

As an adult, I’ve noticed that there is a heavier focus on joy than when I was growing up. Maybe it’s not an age thing, but a general shift in the way we all see our lives and talk about our values. There’s been lots of ideas like “sparking joy”.

It occurred to me that for a lot of my younger days, I thought of myself as quite serious and somber. It felt to me like passion was correlated to being very very serious, self-sacrificing, and in general… miserable (but having an internal drive that conquers all of that).

When we were writing college essays, it felt like everyone always focused on what adversity they overcame. Something that shook you to your core and shaped you into the passionate and driven individual you are now.

Do kids nowadays talk about joy? Do they talk about what things energize them, inspire them, fill them with curiosity?

I hope so, and I hope we can all focus and celebrate the joy in our lives more.

[mmmwords]

Note to self:

My first inclination is always (feels like always but I don’t dare speak in absolutes) to be the contrarian and to find the weird edge case or some twisted way to finding an exception.

Then I have to talk myself back because ultimately, I am a people pleaser. I don’t want to be THAT PERSON who is always bringing up some weird example.

Truthfully I’ve always been that person.

I should embrace it as who I am?

I should play it as one of my strengths?

[mmmwords]

prompt: what makes me feel most alive?

At first I had no idea how to interpret this prompt.

The first thing I think of is when people feel a rush of excitement or adrenaline, like doing something adventurous, intense, or exhilarating.

Those kinds of experiences don't particularly interest me.

It sounds dark, but my answer is so simple and straightforward. What makes me feel most alive is taking life and producing something with those resources. When you catch a fish and kill it. When you drain the blood of a chicken before you blanche it and de-feather it. Even when you pluck the berries from a tree or dig up the roots that have been quietly growing.

It feels me with a calm respect for the ways we are all connected. It reminds me of the power and responsibility we all have as individuals. It also fills me with purpose and a striving to do better as I try to preparing a meal worth of the life and energy taken.

[mmmwords]

writing

I never felt literary. I never felt my words had any exceptional potential.

And while words do move me, I never felt like my opinion on the matter was worth anything.

But in an attempt to feel like myself, I am exploring all the things that bring me joy and give me energy.

I think of the part in I HEART Huckabees, where Jude Law stumbles upon the phrases: "how am I not myself". There are actually so many things that get in our way of being ourselves.

I believe it may be actually impossibly to fully (and radically) accept yourself, all the time. We can't be any one thing consistently all the time. We're always simultaneously being multiple opposing things at once.

Anyway, these kind of thoughts make me feel warm inside and bring me joy.

[mmmwords]

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Darkness is the dream. I sleep to see the obscured. Wake to what I know.

[mmmwords]

Are you aware.

Are you aware. Do you know of the ways that you sit. Do you know how you consume this space. You eat it up. Like it’s yours. Like a burden. 

[mmmwords]

I am resigned.

I am resigned, and dream within myself of an unreal future and everything I can remember, is better for it. 

[mmmwords]

---

As you breathe your heafty sighs, and look to the side to hide your eyes. This is the softest you, I have ever known.

And I want nothing more than to give a kind shoulder, a loving heart - any organ or limb that might ease your part.

I want this to be the softest me. You have ever known.

[mmmwords]

Loaf

the walls are thick and nice like thick thick bread (sliced) but they're too brittle to keep me safe and too warm for my cold cold heart it will melt me down and burn me up i too will be a loaf

[mmmwords]

Notes in flight

Writing as such, in pen and ink; suddenly feeling, large and crude.

As if a misshapen letter or a misspelled word, carried more weight in its error than all else combined.

As if I could carve

canyons in the earth

And grieve that my ego

Would dare to make any mark

As if distance had relinquished, all of her flaws; Its cracks and smears - the loveliest in the world

While I am an ogre

[mmmwords]

God's Play

Wanting to feel on my fingers, the tiny green stubs, and those winding lines flowing across the slopes. To dig deep into that miniature ground, and see how I can change more than I thought.

[mmmwords]

---

I dare not charge my voice to speak

from lack of use -grown dull and meek

And with my eyes, I can see,

when others are not, looking at me.

[mmmwords]

Free Verse

Such a simplicity encloses so gently, like a maple's shade. yet, it is nothing so dreadfully taxing - so wonderful ridiculously for a free soul, feeling as such a verse.

[mmmwords]

The Troublemakers

The troublemakers exchange quick glances, with hushed voices like secret lovers, and no more daring if not more foolish.